My boyfriend will not stop enabling his daughter
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Join Date: May 2011
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My boyfriend will not stop enabling his daughter
Hi everyone...I'm new and have been doing research on parents and enabling behavior. I have been with my boyfriend for ten years...we were actually engaged. He has a daughter who is 19.5 years old who has been using drugs for several years. He's in a pattern of bailing her out, coming to her rescue, helping her, she drops the ball, he jumps again to help her.
My boyfriend was totally blind to what his daughter was doing, mainly because he will never check up on her (if he'd checked her PUBLIC myspace page, he would have seen pictures of her doing drugs), and he believes every excuse she gives him. He has asked her in the past if she was doing drugs and she'll tell him NO and he believes her. She was recently arrested for drug dealing and is facing 11 felony charges. My boyfriend said none of it was her fault, she was just driving the car, it was the OTHER person's fault whom she was with. He of course bailed her out of jail. The car he'd given her was impounded when she was arrested. Due to the massive fines and tow fees (about what the car was actually worth), they never recovered it. He gave her his car to drive, he bought another one (OH, he says he didn't GIVE it to her...okay...he just lent it to her indefinitely...same thing in my book). He sat her down after the arrest and told her he was giving her ONE LAST CHANCE and if she screwed up this time, she was out for good and he was finished with her. He was letting her live at his house (rent free), paying her car insurance, buying her food, doing her dishes, not making her do any chores or be home by a certain time (or be home at all...according to him she was an adult and could do what she wanted to do and stay out all night if she wanted). All she had to do was attempt to find a job. She did manage to find a part-time job, and stopped looking for a full-time job.
Well, she screwed up again. He says he overheard her talking on the phone about getting drugs. I think this was a lie, since her phone doesn't get cell service at his house. I think he found drugs in the car he was "lending" her.
So, he kicked her out. She called him crying saying she had nowhere to go. He let her come back saying that he didn't want her living on the streets and being a prostitute to survive. He says he always has to help her no matter what because she is his daughter and she has no one else. Her mother is finished with her...she has stolen from her mother, and her mother has paid the attorney for her upcoming court case, and told her she wasn't doing anything else for her.
I told my boyfriend that his word means nothing at this point. His daughter knows she can do whatever she wants, and he can't do anything about it. She is now telling him that if she wants to live at home until she's 25, he has to let her. She told him that he lived at home until he was 25, so he can't expect HER to move out before then, or he's a hypocrite.
I begged my boyfriend to do one of the two things: Have his daughter join the military where she'd have a structured environment and consequences; or get an apartment with a roommate along a bus route and a job along the bus route. That way, he wouldn't have the burden of the car issue, and she would be forced to save her own money if she wanted a car and to buy food and pay rent. He would also be keeping his word that she wasn't coming back to live with him.
Well, he told me she didn't want to do any of those things. She then threw the "I don't have to leave home until I'm 25" guilt trip on him.
So, he told me I had to "support" him with what he wants to do. He wants to help her again, he thinks THIS time will be different and that THIS time she really wants to change. I told him as long as he was there to help her, she wouldn't change...she had to hit rock bottom and do it for herself. He said that wasn't true...she just needed "help" to change. So, she's living with him, not working, he's getting her another car (3rd one). She tried to get into a drug rehab treatments center about a month ago (when she wasn't living with him) but they wouldn't take her because she'd been there already (for one week) after the drug dealing arrest several months ago. They told her the state would only pay for one stay per ever six months. Her parents private insurance won't cover it. So, I told my boyfriend that he had a drug addict living with him. He told me she wasn't addicted to drugs anymore. I asked him how that was possible when she was so recently trying to get into rehab. He said she wasn't THAT addicted and was able to stop on her own. ???? He says that for five days straight she never left his house and they were together the whole time so she didn't leave to buy drugs (probably because she already had some on her), and that she didn't have money anyway to buy drugs (she's stolen from him and others countless times). I can't believe the dumb excuses that come out of his mouth. He is SO blind and so gullible.
I don't see this cycle ever ending. So, our 10 year relationship is over. It's very painful that he would so easily cut me out of his life in order to chase after his daughter's dysfunction.
Sorry this is so long...I'm now seeing the havoc that drug addiction creates. It effects so many people. It's heartbreaking.
My boyfriend was totally blind to what his daughter was doing, mainly because he will never check up on her (if he'd checked her PUBLIC myspace page, he would have seen pictures of her doing drugs), and he believes every excuse she gives him. He has asked her in the past if she was doing drugs and she'll tell him NO and he believes her. She was recently arrested for drug dealing and is facing 11 felony charges. My boyfriend said none of it was her fault, she was just driving the car, it was the OTHER person's fault whom she was with. He of course bailed her out of jail. The car he'd given her was impounded when she was arrested. Due to the massive fines and tow fees (about what the car was actually worth), they never recovered it. He gave her his car to drive, he bought another one (OH, he says he didn't GIVE it to her...okay...he just lent it to her indefinitely...same thing in my book). He sat her down after the arrest and told her he was giving her ONE LAST CHANCE and if she screwed up this time, she was out for good and he was finished with her. He was letting her live at his house (rent free), paying her car insurance, buying her food, doing her dishes, not making her do any chores or be home by a certain time (or be home at all...according to him she was an adult and could do what she wanted to do and stay out all night if she wanted). All she had to do was attempt to find a job. She did manage to find a part-time job, and stopped looking for a full-time job.
Well, she screwed up again. He says he overheard her talking on the phone about getting drugs. I think this was a lie, since her phone doesn't get cell service at his house. I think he found drugs in the car he was "lending" her.
So, he kicked her out. She called him crying saying she had nowhere to go. He let her come back saying that he didn't want her living on the streets and being a prostitute to survive. He says he always has to help her no matter what because she is his daughter and she has no one else. Her mother is finished with her...she has stolen from her mother, and her mother has paid the attorney for her upcoming court case, and told her she wasn't doing anything else for her.
I told my boyfriend that his word means nothing at this point. His daughter knows she can do whatever she wants, and he can't do anything about it. She is now telling him that if she wants to live at home until she's 25, he has to let her. She told him that he lived at home until he was 25, so he can't expect HER to move out before then, or he's a hypocrite.
I begged my boyfriend to do one of the two things: Have his daughter join the military where she'd have a structured environment and consequences; or get an apartment with a roommate along a bus route and a job along the bus route. That way, he wouldn't have the burden of the car issue, and she would be forced to save her own money if she wanted a car and to buy food and pay rent. He would also be keeping his word that she wasn't coming back to live with him.
Well, he told me she didn't want to do any of those things. She then threw the "I don't have to leave home until I'm 25" guilt trip on him.
So, he told me I had to "support" him with what he wants to do. He wants to help her again, he thinks THIS time will be different and that THIS time she really wants to change. I told him as long as he was there to help her, she wouldn't change...she had to hit rock bottom and do it for herself. He said that wasn't true...she just needed "help" to change. So, she's living with him, not working, he's getting her another car (3rd one). She tried to get into a drug rehab treatments center about a month ago (when she wasn't living with him) but they wouldn't take her because she'd been there already (for one week) after the drug dealing arrest several months ago. They told her the state would only pay for one stay per ever six months. Her parents private insurance won't cover it. So, I told my boyfriend that he had a drug addict living with him. He told me she wasn't addicted to drugs anymore. I asked him how that was possible when she was so recently trying to get into rehab. He said she wasn't THAT addicted and was able to stop on her own. ???? He says that for five days straight she never left his house and they were together the whole time so she didn't leave to buy drugs (probably because she already had some on her), and that she didn't have money anyway to buy drugs (she's stolen from him and others countless times). I can't believe the dumb excuses that come out of his mouth. He is SO blind and so gullible.
I don't see this cycle ever ending. So, our 10 year relationship is over. It's very painful that he would so easily cut me out of his life in order to chase after his daughter's dysfunction.
Sorry this is so long...I'm now seeing the havoc that drug addiction creates. It effects so many people. It's heartbreaking.
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Hello Dustygirl01: Just wanted to welcome you to SR. You will find wisdom and compassion here as you go through your own grieving process. We have all been where you are at, and yes, drug addiction does destroy families.
Can you see the similarities between the daughter's obsession with drugs and your boyfriend's obsession with his daughter? That's a pretty toxic boyfriend you had/have, and he is no more able to be a "helpmate" to you than drugs is able to enhance the daughter's life. And you are no more able to make him aware of that than he is able to make his daughter stop drugs. It is sad.
But the good news is that you have sought out this website. Keep reading the stickies and posting when you like. As time goes by, hopefully you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel for yourself.
Can you see the similarities between the daughter's obsession with drugs and your boyfriend's obsession with his daughter? That's a pretty toxic boyfriend you had/have, and he is no more able to be a "helpmate" to you than drugs is able to enhance the daughter's life. And you are no more able to make him aware of that than he is able to make his daughter stop drugs. It is sad.
But the good news is that you have sought out this website. Keep reading the stickies and posting when you like. As time goes by, hopefully you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel for yourself.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Thank you for the welcome. I've tried for so many years to try to get my bf to see what his daughter was. His only reaction was to tell me I was wrong, tell me I was the one with the problem, and break up with me. It's less stressful for him to just cut me out of his life, I suppose, than to face what his daughter really is and to make the changes necessary with her. I feel his only future is bailing out his daughter. I guess that's what he wants at this point, because he keeps doing the same exact things over and over. Word for word each time. His daughter knows how to play him so well. All she has to do is say THIS time I really want to change...oh...and I want to go to COLLEGE too!!! He become literally rabid to help her. Of course, nothing changes...
Her latest thing now is that she wants to work in a nursing home (???!!!! probably so she can steal from the elderly and take their drugs!!!!). She wants him to pay for her schooling to become an LPN. She has felony charges on her record! Are they both totally blind? No school is going to accept her unless all those charges are totally dropped (which thanks to her attorney, they probably will be). He told her he will gladly foot the bill 100% for her schooling. With her record now, she won't get financial aid, and her mother has written her off and won't give her any more $$. My bf said she can't help pay because she can't find a job.
Her latest thing now is that she wants to work in a nursing home (???!!!! probably so she can steal from the elderly and take their drugs!!!!). She wants him to pay for her schooling to become an LPN. She has felony charges on her record! Are they both totally blind? No school is going to accept her unless all those charges are totally dropped (which thanks to her attorney, they probably will be). He told her he will gladly foot the bill 100% for her schooling. With her record now, she won't get financial aid, and her mother has written her off and won't give her any more $$. My bf said she can't help pay because she can't find a job.
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Congrats..my daughter is a recovering addict and the things he is doing can actually winding up killing his daughter..it's called "loving them into their grave".It is really frustrating to watch all this, but the most loving thing you can do is be the sane one..and walking away seems to be a really sane thing for you to do.
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Thank you. I really did question my sanity...my bf was always telling me that I was the one with the problem. He tried to tell me that she's just not ready to "grow up" yet, and when she is, all of this will go away, she just made some bad choices, and I'm just not being patient enough or understanding enough. He's saying that she may not be ready to start growing up until she's 25. He also blames everything on the fact that he divorced her mother and she comes from a "broken" home (divorce guilt) and he says it's society's fault as well. Excuses aren't going to fix his daughter.
It's hard to walk away from a ten year relationship.
It's hard to walk away from a ten year relationship.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Dusty, I'm so sorry for your pain. I agree with you. BF hasn't learned a thing and AD, being an addict, is using his guilt and naivite against him.
The good news is, you aren't married. Unlike many of us, you can walk away without too many consequences. My advice is to do so - at least give the relationship a cooling off period and then re-evaluate where you are.
The good news is, you aren't married. Unlike many of us, you can walk away without too many consequences. My advice is to do so - at least give the relationship a cooling off period and then re-evaluate where you are.
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Yes, I am thankful that we're not married. We never even moved in together, which I am also thankful for. His daughter's behavior prevented me from moving in with him many years ago (before she was even on drugs). We had discussed me moving in with him, but I knew I'd end up homeless...he'd kick me out before he would deal with her behavior.
Maybe, in time, he will accept what she is and want to make the changes he needs to make. It's just the two of them living together, however, no one else in the household (his other children have moved out)...so it's like two addicts having a free for all. His daughter has always wanted me out of the picture because I could see her for what she was and didn't fall for her lies and manipulations. I guess she got what she always wanted! No one around to hinder her playing games with her father.
Maybe, in time, he will accept what she is and want to make the changes he needs to make. It's just the two of them living together, however, no one else in the household (his other children have moved out)...so it's like two addicts having a free for all. His daughter has always wanted me out of the picture because I could see her for what she was and didn't fall for her lies and manipulations. I guess she got what she always wanted! No one around to hinder her playing games with her father.
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Originally Posted by Dustygirl01 
Thanks. I know I have to save myself. I can't save my bf, and he can't save his daughter (at least not the way he's going about it presently). I'm just trying and struggling to make sense of it all.
Addiction and/or spoiled children have runined many relationships.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. You will find support here on SR through our experiences, sharing and hope.
You are watching/participating in the dance of addiction. It is not entertaining. It is very painful to watch or be a part of. And it is easy to get sucked into it. The addicted individual creates chaos that the enabler/codependent tries to control; the loved one of the enabler/codependent tries desparately to make them see what is going on and tries to control what the enabler/codependent is doing. And it can go on and on like this. Everyone's behavior begins revolving around the chaos that the addict creates. It is a family disease.
Once we recognize our role in the dance of addiction, we can begin to change our own behavior. This is how we find sanity again.
I am the enabler/codependent (in recovery). My dear and wonderful husband is the person who tried to help me understand what was going on with my addicted son. He was so smart though. He recognized that his own participation in the dance would lead to the demise of our relationship so he stopped dancing. It saved our marriage.
I don't know how my dear husband managed without the assistance of Naranon or Alanon. He seemed to instinctively know that just as I can't get between my son and drugs.....he couldn't get between me and my son.
I had to have my own AHA moment and realize that I was a primary player in the dance of addiction. The more he tried to tell me about it....the more I resisted or argued.
My addiction is my son.
I am in recovery for my addiction. My son is not.
But a team of wild horses couldn't have pulled me away from my son or "cured" my addiction or convinced me that I was part of the problem. I had to come to that realization on my own....in my own time......and not a moment sooner.
I do understand how very hard this is for you. I do understand what my dear husband went through for years. Even though my son is still active in his addiction, my husband and I are ok. But it has been very hard on all of us.
I found help in a 12 step program for families (Alanon and Naranon).
gentle hugs
ke
You are watching/participating in the dance of addiction. It is not entertaining. It is very painful to watch or be a part of. And it is easy to get sucked into it. The addicted individual creates chaos that the enabler/codependent tries to control; the loved one of the enabler/codependent tries desparately to make them see what is going on and tries to control what the enabler/codependent is doing. And it can go on and on like this. Everyone's behavior begins revolving around the chaos that the addict creates. It is a family disease.
Once we recognize our role in the dance of addiction, we can begin to change our own behavior. This is how we find sanity again.
I am the enabler/codependent (in recovery). My dear and wonderful husband is the person who tried to help me understand what was going on with my addicted son. He was so smart though. He recognized that his own participation in the dance would lead to the demise of our relationship so he stopped dancing. It saved our marriage.
I don't know how my dear husband managed without the assistance of Naranon or Alanon. He seemed to instinctively know that just as I can't get between my son and drugs.....he couldn't get between me and my son.
I had to have my own AHA moment and realize that I was a primary player in the dance of addiction. The more he tried to tell me about it....the more I resisted or argued.
My addiction is my son.
I am in recovery for my addiction. My son is not.
But a team of wild horses couldn't have pulled me away from my son or "cured" my addiction or convinced me that I was part of the problem. I had to come to that realization on my own....in my own time......and not a moment sooner.
I do understand how very hard this is for you. I do understand what my dear husband went through for years. Even though my son is still active in his addiction, my husband and I are ok. But it has been very hard on all of us.
I found help in a 12 step program for families (Alanon and Naranon).
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2011
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Thank you so much. The way you describe the dance of addiction is exactly what has been going on. I was the hyper-vigilant one...trying to piece together her lies, get my bf to see he needed to check up on her, questioning her actions, etc. He would just get even more defensive and bury his head even deeper. She would just lie to him even more. He would go back on his word when it came to her, and I would try to hold him accountable. It was ugly. I think on some level he's addicted to the chaos she causes. Eventually he told me I wasn't allowed to even say her name. I was to just mind my own business and let him deal with what happened at his house. Since we weren't married or living together, maybe it really wasn't any of my business. But...we were at the stage of our lives and relationship where we were starting to plan OUR lives together finally after ten years of dating. We were looking into selling our homes, relocating and buying a house together...enjoying semi-retirement! I just saw none of that happening due to his daughter's addiction and him chasing after her. So, I felt that it was, indeed, my business because it was affecting OUR future.
I'm glad you and your husband are still together. My bf decided it was easier and less stressful to just get rid of me so he could ignore his daughter's problems.
He really does need to go to meetings and talk to other parents who have gone through this. He won't. I've been seeing a counselor since October. He came to counseling one time, and refused to go back.
But, he truly believes at this point she's not doing drugs. A month ago he told me she needed to go to rehab for a month (he doesn't realize that a month of rehab really isn't that long). Then, she was actually trying to go but they wouldn't take her. He really believes she wasn't "that addicted" and has decided to stop using. I guess as long as she can hide it from him, he'll believe the lie and all will be wonderful in his world.
No one is blinder than he who will not see.
I'm glad you and your husband are still together. My bf decided it was easier and less stressful to just get rid of me so he could ignore his daughter's problems.
He really does need to go to meetings and talk to other parents who have gone through this. He won't. I've been seeing a counselor since October. He came to counseling one time, and refused to go back.
But, he truly believes at this point she's not doing drugs. A month ago he told me she needed to go to rehab for a month (he doesn't realize that a month of rehab really isn't that long). Then, she was actually trying to go but they wouldn't take her. He really believes she wasn't "that addicted" and has decided to stop using. I guess as long as she can hide it from him, he'll believe the lie and all will be wonderful in his world.
No one is blinder than he who will not see.
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It’s far easier to avoid drugs or alcohol in the first place than to treat drug abuse after the fact. Educating young people is a good place to start. There are, however, several factors that can influence whether someone starts using drugs or alcohol, including:
Accessibility
Curiosity
Genetics
Mental Health Issues
Self-image issues
Peer Pressure
Unfortunately, simply vowing to avoid drugs or alcohol may not be enough to avoid developing an addiction, just like a purity ring on a celebrity is not enough to guarantee sex will be avoided until marriage. To truly overcome dependence or substance abuse, the individual must seek the professional help found at an addiction treatment facility.
Accessibility
Curiosity
Genetics
Mental Health Issues
Self-image issues
Peer Pressure
Unfortunately, simply vowing to avoid drugs or alcohol may not be enough to avoid developing an addiction, just like a purity ring on a celebrity is not enough to guarantee sex will be avoided until marriage. To truly overcome dependence or substance abuse, the individual must seek the professional help found at an addiction treatment facility.
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 25
My boyfriend's ex (his daughter's mother) is an alcoholic. This makes him feel even more guilty that he had children with someone who could pass this down. His wife didn't start drinking until after they had kids. He feels total responsibility and guilt that his daughter has a genetic problem (addiction) that isn't her fault, he feels it's HIS fault for choosing a bad partner to have children with. Just more and more guilt on his part. I think he plans on spending the rest of his life paying for what he did (having children with someone who became an alcoholic). So, he believes that he did cause her issue.
His daughter has mental issues as well. I'm not exactly sure what. She has had issues with chronic lying (much more so than what is typical for kids), stealing, and manipulating. She's been this way since I met her (she was going into 5th grade). My boyfriend was recently admitted that he felt she had a mental health problem. I think she fits the description of a psychopath, but it could just be the drug use. However, she had this personality issue prior to the drug use.
I tried and tried to make him see how he was treating her when she was younger was doing her a disservice. There were no boundaries, no discipline, no rules. His other three children (boys) all had to follow rules and act right. His daughter was told she was "special" and didn't have to follow the rules, etc. I begged him to discipline her and make her act right, hold her accountable, etc., and all he would say was, "I just can't do it..." or "I'll try...". She grew up literally not comprehending that rules and laws applied to her. She spent most of her senior year of high school suspended. Her father just laughed about it and would threaten to yell at and scare the principal for punishing his daughter. When she turned 18, he literally had to talk to her and tell her that laws and rules of society DID apply to her and she was going to start getting into trouble if she didn't obey the law. Didn't have much impact on her. Even after she was arrested for drug dealing, she still doesn't get it. This girl went to get her hair cut, tried to pay for it with a bank card that didn't have any money on it, told them she'd be back with the money and never came back. They called the cops on her...she did go back the next day with the money and they didn't press charges. Who does that kind of thing with they have an upcoming criminal jury trial for drug dealing?
His daughter has mental issues as well. I'm not exactly sure what. She has had issues with chronic lying (much more so than what is typical for kids), stealing, and manipulating. She's been this way since I met her (she was going into 5th grade). My boyfriend was recently admitted that he felt she had a mental health problem. I think she fits the description of a psychopath, but it could just be the drug use. However, she had this personality issue prior to the drug use.
I tried and tried to make him see how he was treating her when she was younger was doing her a disservice. There were no boundaries, no discipline, no rules. His other three children (boys) all had to follow rules and act right. His daughter was told she was "special" and didn't have to follow the rules, etc. I begged him to discipline her and make her act right, hold her accountable, etc., and all he would say was, "I just can't do it..." or "I'll try...". She grew up literally not comprehending that rules and laws applied to her. She spent most of her senior year of high school suspended. Her father just laughed about it and would threaten to yell at and scare the principal for punishing his daughter. When she turned 18, he literally had to talk to her and tell her that laws and rules of society DID apply to her and she was going to start getting into trouble if she didn't obey the law. Didn't have much impact on her. Even after she was arrested for drug dealing, she still doesn't get it. This girl went to get her hair cut, tried to pay for it with a bank card that didn't have any money on it, told them she'd be back with the money and never came back. They called the cops on her...she did go back the next day with the money and they didn't press charges. Who does that kind of thing with they have an upcoming criminal jury trial for drug dealing?
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He really believes she wasn't "that addicted" and has decided to stop using.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2011
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Yeah, that's kind of what I thought. BUT...again...I was told I didn't know anything...I was wrong, he and his daughter are right. That's why I came here...looking for help to make sense out of all of this.
Thank you so much for helping me.
Thank you so much for helping me.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Just found your post- are you still here?
I googled my problem with my boyfriend and found your post! So I just joined this site to get some similar support. I have just been with this man 6 months and his 27 year old daughter nearly died last week from DTs and is living back at home with him. He's trying to get her into Rehab and all the help he can. I'm really disappointed as I see and feel this is putting an end to our relationship. I see the manipulation and how she's got him around her little finger. I don't know what if anything I can do to help or even if I should. He's just started a heavy schedule for the next several months and he's taken on way too much. I really don't feel he really has the time for me now though I think he thinks I'm just going to hang on. There's more but that's a start. Let me know how you're doing at this point if you're still on this site or with your boyfriend.
Thanks,
Clarity4us
Thanks,
Clarity4us
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Welcome to SR, Clarity4us. You have found a place of wonderful support. I suggest you start your own thread introducing yourself and telling us a bit about what brings you here. You are not alone!
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Dustygirl,
Welcome to SR. You are in a difficult situation; I know I have been there. My story is slightly different but the basic issue was the very much the same. My now XBF enabled his son in very much the same way. The son also felt very entitled and I also think had some underlying mental health issue. I honestly didn't get to know the son very well in the 4 yrs I was involved - in the beginning he was too high, then he went to court ordered rehab and when he came back home he was very cautious not to get too close to me. I had serious issues about his being allowed to drink, sleep all the time, not work, not go to school etc. He was just hanging around having fun and not working a program at all.
I was also dealing with my son's addition and recovery. My son was not allowed home, went to a 30 day program, attended meetings, had a sponsor, sees a therapist every week, goes to college and turned into a gym fanatic. He is not perfect by any stretch and he has a long road ahead of him. But.....he is working it!
So anyway the difference in my BF's son and mine where so marked that I never really talked about things with him. Couldn't it caused too much tension. Then it became to much of a trigger for me to be in his house with his son there - who was always there. So after my BF hosted a huge New Years party for all of his son's friends who came over for dinner (which I helped cook) and then drank all night I told him I couldn't be there any more with all the drinking. Too much of a trigger For Me. I explained that I would come visit but if I started to feel uncomfortable that I would leave. I had to leave a few times.
Needless to say we just started to drift apart and not spend as much time together. He kept at it though and talked about us retiring together etc etc. I was skeptical. So in April we went on vacation together for 2 weeks......I left and came home after 8 days. Realized that I didn't like this man any more - that part of him that enabled his son was really a very controlling nature. He wanted to control everything in his life - direct it all and direct all the people in it. I decided that I did not want to be controlled (enabled) or directed so I walked away.
Painful absolutely!! But essential if I wanted to live my own life. When you can find a calm moment sit back and envision all of that enabling/controlling behavior focused at you and experiment with how that makes you feel. I was surprised at the conclusion I reached since so much of that type of behavior appears caring and nurturing on the outside. Once you have a better incite about his motivations though.....the way you look at it may change. It did at least for me.
Just another perspective. I am very sorry you are going through this though - the end of a long term relationship is always difficult no matter the reason. Make sure you are taking care of YOU!!
Welcome to SR. You are in a difficult situation; I know I have been there. My story is slightly different but the basic issue was the very much the same. My now XBF enabled his son in very much the same way. The son also felt very entitled and I also think had some underlying mental health issue. I honestly didn't get to know the son very well in the 4 yrs I was involved - in the beginning he was too high, then he went to court ordered rehab and when he came back home he was very cautious not to get too close to me. I had serious issues about his being allowed to drink, sleep all the time, not work, not go to school etc. He was just hanging around having fun and not working a program at all.
I was also dealing with my son's addition and recovery. My son was not allowed home, went to a 30 day program, attended meetings, had a sponsor, sees a therapist every week, goes to college and turned into a gym fanatic. He is not perfect by any stretch and he has a long road ahead of him. But.....he is working it!
So anyway the difference in my BF's son and mine where so marked that I never really talked about things with him. Couldn't it caused too much tension. Then it became to much of a trigger for me to be in his house with his son there - who was always there. So after my BF hosted a huge New Years party for all of his son's friends who came over for dinner (which I helped cook) and then drank all night I told him I couldn't be there any more with all the drinking. Too much of a trigger For Me. I explained that I would come visit but if I started to feel uncomfortable that I would leave. I had to leave a few times.
Needless to say we just started to drift apart and not spend as much time together. He kept at it though and talked about us retiring together etc etc. I was skeptical. So in April we went on vacation together for 2 weeks......I left and came home after 8 days. Realized that I didn't like this man any more - that part of him that enabled his son was really a very controlling nature. He wanted to control everything in his life - direct it all and direct all the people in it. I decided that I did not want to be controlled (enabled) or directed so I walked away.
Painful absolutely!! But essential if I wanted to live my own life. When you can find a calm moment sit back and envision all of that enabling/controlling behavior focused at you and experiment with how that makes you feel. I was surprised at the conclusion I reached since so much of that type of behavior appears caring and nurturing on the outside. Once you have a better incite about his motivations though.....the way you look at it may change. It did at least for me.
Just another perspective. I am very sorry you are going through this though - the end of a long term relationship is always difficult no matter the reason. Make sure you are taking care of YOU!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Dusty,
Unfortunately, it's IMPOSSIBLE to make other people see what they can't see for themselves. I know it hurts you to see him so taken advantage of by his daughter, but it has to be his own revelation. He will realize before it's over. All you can do is be supportive of him, if you choose to stick around...stay as far out of it as possible because you will only get hurt if you get involved. A father/daughter relationship is a strong bond...very difficult to break a Dad's natural instinct to protect his little girl (no matter the age). There's really not alot you can do about the two of them. But you CAN make the choice for yourself to not participate in the "crazy"!! Thanks for sharing!
Unfortunately, it's IMPOSSIBLE to make other people see what they can't see for themselves. I know it hurts you to see him so taken advantage of by his daughter, but it has to be his own revelation. He will realize before it's over. All you can do is be supportive of him, if you choose to stick around...stay as far out of it as possible because you will only get hurt if you get involved. A father/daughter relationship is a strong bond...very difficult to break a Dad's natural instinct to protect his little girl (no matter the age). There's really not alot you can do about the two of them. But you CAN make the choice for yourself to not participate in the "crazy"!! Thanks for sharing!
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