jalapenolover

I have not posted much lately but have certainly been lurking quite a bit. Seems as if my AS choices have finally caught up with him. He was arrested a few weeks ago for a few infractions, the longer he is in jail; seems like the list of charges keeps growing.

I can honestly say if it were not for my friends in Alanon and SR, I would be a blubbering mess. I can honestly say that even with only 3 months of Alanon under my belt - I am okay with everything! I feel peace for the first time in 2 years. I just knew that I would get 'THE CALL' one day. Either that my AS was not alive or in jail.

I do have a question for you veterans though. Since we were doing some 'heavy detachment', almost NC before he was arrested- seems as if our AS feels like he can call all the time (collect of course). Honestly, I have no pity for him and don't even know what to say. Any advice? I am thinking of telling him that we simply cannot afford to chat frequently and perhaps he can call once a week. Poor Mr. jalapeno had to clean out his apt. this past weekend and found more drug paraphenilia which just irritated us even more.

Thanks again and in advance for each and everyone of you who have gently guided us through this hellish journey.

Hugs to all!

Nina Kay

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you & your husband are going through this with your son. I can empathize since my son has been in jail several times & several times due to different circumstances each time, we cleaned out the place where he had lived & found things that we really wished that we hadn't. It's very upsetting to say the least. It is a hellish journey. I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to say that I can understand what you're going through. I know that the others will be along soon to help you out.

Impurrfect

When I was in jail, for about a month, my dad allowed me to call collect once a week, and that was it. My stepsister was in jail for over a year, and he did the same thing with her, and when she was moved to a halfway house, he bought her a calling card.

I wrote a LOT of letters while in jail. Some will say keep the NC, but I can only give you my experience. It was my first time in jail (for more than 4 days, once, overnight another time) and I WANTED to call them a lot more, but I didn't.

Collect calls from jail are extremely expensive, my stepsister ran up a couple hundred dollars before dad/stepmom found out how much it was costing.

If you want to talk to him, I would only recommend once a week..tell him you won't accept the calls more frequently. I know I needed that time in jail to think about how I'd gotten there, and being forced to deal with it, and separation from my family, while sober (had distanced myself entirely when using) was something I needed.

I'm sure I did a bit of whining, with my phone calls, but I also grew up, quite a bit, while in jail. I'm glad you're getting some peace, that he's safe, and I pray this is a turning point for him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

sojourner

Glad you are doing so well. I still like that picture and imagine myself walking to the foot of those mountains and back with the dog.

Speaking of dogs, my advice is to continue to be the alpha dog. Your son's addiction is trying to be in charge of you right now, and you are rightfully uncomfortable with it. Would you rather limit phone calls to perhaps once a week, perhaps on a certain day of the week? You could communicate that to your son, but you are also going to need to follow that up with action by not answering the phone when he calls more often. You really do not have to communicate that to your son right away but just ignore the calls when they come in except for that time when you have decided ahead of time when you will take them. Would you rather not accept his phone calls at all? Again, you could communicate that also to your son. But then you know you would have to follow that up with actions by not answering the phone calls from him because his addiction is trying to be the alpha dog and challenge you on that teeny, tiny border.

Let us know how this goes, Ms. Alpha Dog!

Kindeyes

I would suggest that you do what YOU need to do for you. If that means you limit the phone calls, then so be it. If it means that you send him a tablet, envelopes and stamps, so be it. If it means that you have some continued peace time and continue NC, so be it.

At this point, he is dealing with the consequences of his actions. And at this point, his HP has placed him where he needs to be. Allow your gut (HP?) to tell you what you need right now and do that.....whatever that is.

Sometimes I find it helpful to sit still in a quiet room and listen.

gentle hugs
ke

keepinon

My RAD never went to jail (how I do not understand!)But, while in rehab, I wish I would have let her sit with herself more instead of having so much contact..when she got out we went VERY limited contact and that is when change happened..she got to really feel what had happened to our relationship, and take care of herself...now we text close to every day, but I agree with Sojourner..you weren't letting him call the shots when he was out, why let him now that he's in jail?

jalapenolover

Thanks so much to everyone! I like the 'once a week' call concept. I just don't have much to tell him, he will be spending his 20th birthday in jail on Saturday. Half my heart is telling me to go see him Saturday and the other part just doesn't wanna do it. I hate how addicts feel that when they are down n out: ie hospital, jail, etc. That it is an open invite to call everyone for pity.

mooselips

My youngest son just called, (he couldn't call before, cause we were in Florida, and he can't call a cell phone) anyway, we walk in the door today, and he called.

I told him to limit the calls to every 2 weeks, or I will not accept the call.
You do have a choice whether or not to accept the call.
Really what possible meaningful conversation can I have with him in jail, that he can't write in a letter?

I send him stamped envelopes and paper.

Hugs and hugs.
from the jailbirds mom

litehorse

as is true of every situation here each one has to choose their own path with the addict in their life - my prayers are with you and your son as you travel this difficult road -

jalapenolover

@Mooselips - Boy I hear ya! What could he possibly have to report to me? Last call he told his dad he is working in the kitchen. Hmm.. I'm not feelin' it.

I have however made arrangements to visit him on Saturday for his b-day.

Justfor1

It's good to hear he found a job. The kitchen jobs in jail are usually the best. He will be fed well because they usually get extras. My cousin who is in and out of jail/prison refuses to work inside and rather spend every minute in his cell. Hopefully, he can take the job experience out into the free world.

jalapenolover

Good grief, I sure hope he can use the experience too! Being fed extra won't hurt him a bit, 2 years ago he was a big exercise buff weighing in near 190, now he is a staggering 140 lbs. So sad...

katie44

Enjoy some time for yourself. Our AS has been in jail approx. 3 months. He just spent his 24th birthday there. He was only there once before for 2 weeks, swore he would never go back, but breached his conditions. Know your son is safe, 3 hots and a cot. Our AS is limited to two calls a week. At first he was calling 4 times a day, it got to where we would not accept the calls, Our AS was 140 when he went in, he has put on 15 lbs since there, and looks 100% better then we have seen in years. As for the pity party I can relate mostly on his birthday. Never in a million years did I think I would feel content knowing he was in jail. As we continuosly tell him he put him self there.

jalapenolover

Well I did it - visited him this morning. Total culture shock environment for me. Had a civil chit chat and told him he can only call on Thursdays. He was okay w/it. What got me was when I said, 'Bummer you have to spend your b-day here'. His response was, "Its okay Mom, everything happens for a reason". Not sure if it was meant in an I don't give a sh** tone OR that he has come to terms with his consequences. Then proceeded to tell me he needs more $$ in his account but failed to say, "Happy Mother's Day". (suppose jail can't take his selfishness away from him)