ThatLittleGirl

It's good to hear from you Callie!!! Reading your posts, I think I too have a little (OK, maybe more than a little) PTSD. I'm still working on me...and I am soooo much better than I was when I began my journey...but I'm not nearly where I want to be. I think no matter what path you pursue, it will take time to heal. And, at least for me, there will be a part of me that is changed forever by my experiences.

You should know you're an inspirational person...and I have been inspired by your never-give-up attitude! I wish you the best at you continue to move forward...and will pray that you find the answers you seek!

Callie

Thank you guys. I know that I moved @ turtle paced slow @ getting myself out of the marriage with xah. My life certainly is better than it was before. I am glad that I'm able to take the time to now focus on myself. I guess I'm not surprised about PTSD, to see me recap the last 3 years and the state that it put me in (nervous, shakey, on the verge of tears, racing thoughts etc). It was clear that I need to deal with these things that caused me to be in this state. We've all been in that panic, frantic, what to do state when our addicts are out of control.

I have very, very minimal contact with xmil, and when we do talk, it's only about the facts and not about xah. That has helped immensely. Also, just re-incorporating myself back into society again has been huge. I'm amazed @ how isolated I became. With my new job, I'm way more involved with people again (which I love) but I find myself doubting myself and my abilities. I am fully capable @ what I do, but it's nice to be among people who respect and credit me on my capabilities.

I truely did not think my self esteem took the nose dive that it apparantly did. I don't view myself differently for myself, but around other people I do.

Abundance

Daisy - such a good point about who you were/are attracting in your life.

Callie- while working with people now (more-so) - check out the connections you make? Who really wants to relate with you...

I don't want to be a victim to PTSD. So - I won't give it too much power - but man - when it creeps - it seriously creeps! Kind of like Ann - I was having dreams... and that was a bad thing - because I certainly can't control my dreams - but also a good thing - because I can't control my dreams..!!!!
So - those dreams I would wake up crying ... like this heavy deep cry ... and I would be so happy to realize it wasn't in my present life anymore - and that is behind me now. It also reminds me that loving an addict isn't for the faint of heart
Anywho - that's so great you are getting into this therapy business. I started therapy in the last 6 months of my relationship - and I took it so seriously - like a job. Like - this is going to make a difference!!!! (I went in saying - I have got to figure out just why I'm not able to "let go"!!!! I surrender to your knowledge in therapy because what I'm doing is not working. Like - I'm just getting sicker in his addiction.
So she asked me how I felt about 'cognitive' and I said to her - "I'm literally doing what you think will help me... and quickly!" It just so happened that ... that very night - a depression and anxiety workshop was starting. (Every Wednesday from 5pm-730pm.) They had church (Awana) that night - and got rides ... so I could go and come back - before they got home!
So - I did the workshop (which was just myself and 1 other woman and my therapist)... and I also met with my therapist for an hour the same week (rarely same day). So I was having about 3.5 hours of intense therapy a week! I was given lessons and homework to do in both sessions. She ended up releasing me around 9 months.

Anywho - I am so excited for you to do this- it's amazing to know that we can grow and continue moving forward. And this therapy - it was a "treat" for me to just look after me. It was like a crash course of "Learn how to stay in your own box and out of his!"... "*THIS* is your time!!!" There were some times (early on) that I would ask for her to tell me - "It's okay ..."

coffeedrinker

Callie,

This is so weird...I was reading here tonight, and saw a name I hadn't seen in awhile.

And I thought of YOU

Then, five minutes later, there was your post. Cool.

I am glad you are persuing treatment.

It makes perfect sense to me, that you would have some PTSD. Perfect sense.

The manicure and such are good little treats, but can I offer a different kind of advice?
Your kiddos are seeing you DO for everyone. The last thing you want is for them to grow up with this notion or sense that they are supposed to be "done" for. I hope you can have structure for them, with regular chores and responsibilities. I did that a little for my children, but should have been more rigid and unbending.

Just my 2 cents....

(Glad to see you!)

Callie

Coffee - thanks for that. Yes, I worry about that for the kids. Yes, they have daily chores that they are supposed to do. They're also in 4-h and have hogs to take care of daily, pens to keep cleaned out. They do have to keep their rooms clean, put their own clothes away etc. I'm pretty adamant about them picking up and tending to their stuff. I'm also teaching them both to cook. They're 10, so we don't get too carried away, but they help me cook, set the table, clear it etc.

Actually for mothers day both kids made me breakfast in bed! Eggs and a pb&j cut out in the shape of a heart! lol. I got THE NICEST home made cards from the kids. My dd made comments about how she looked @ other moms and realized that I am much stronger than them because I was doing the role of both mom and dad. It was nice to hear that, but unfortunate for her to realize.

I have another appointment with the therapist tomorrow. I'm going to try to go every 2 weeks. I've been swamped with baseball, softball, games and of course work. I tend to get wrapped up in that stuff and not focusing on myself like I should. I need to work on that.