husband please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
husband please help
My husband is a addicted to opiates and decided to get on methodone. today was his first day. i moved out monday night after realizing (although he won't admit it) that he was cheating on me on top of all of it. Anyway, I disagree with the methadone, although I went with him and paid for his first appointment at the clinic. i just need to feel like i'm supportive i guess. After all, he really believes that the methadone is going to work. (i think it is a crutch.) anyway, i need some advice about practicing "tough love." obviously i moved out so that he would maybe realizing he was losing his wife and son. not to mention being disgusted with his lying about his affair. but i still love him. and he is getting on this methadone and starting NA meetings today. How do I know when he is better and I can move back in with him? How do i know what is enabling and what is supporting him? my addict friend said I should not even talk about us getting back together until he stops methadone but that could be 6 months to a year. I have a big heart and don't like seeing anyone hurt. I want my family back. i wish none of this had ever happened. and i'm so mad at myself for caring how he feels when he has hurt me so much, but i just am having a hard time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
(((welcome)))
I am sorry for your pain. I am glad that you have boundaries in place and have followed through on them and moved out. I think that with time, the right choices will become clear to you. And, you will learn, by your husbands actions over the next few months, or years, just how committed he is to his recovery and your marriage vows.
This is your time to heal from the infidelity and drug abuse that has destroyed your marriage and upset your life. Patience is hard. But if you are patient, the path you need to follow will reveal itself. Recovery isn't something that he can rush. Or you can rush either. It takes a lifetime.
Have you heard of a book called Co-dependent No More? I suggest picking up a copy of it and reading it. It may help you deal with your conflicted feelings and help you learn the difference between supporting vs. enabling. Additionally, if you have the means, maybe you could try some counseling. It's very helpful!
This doesn't mean that some day in the future, you won't reconcile or whatever. But for now, take care of yourself and let him figure out this mess he got himself into. That's what he has to do in order for recovery to take hold.
I am sorry for your pain. I am glad that you have boundaries in place and have followed through on them and moved out. I think that with time, the right choices will become clear to you. And, you will learn, by your husbands actions over the next few months, or years, just how committed he is to his recovery and your marriage vows.
This is your time to heal from the infidelity and drug abuse that has destroyed your marriage and upset your life. Patience is hard. But if you are patient, the path you need to follow will reveal itself. Recovery isn't something that he can rush. Or you can rush either. It takes a lifetime.
Have you heard of a book called Co-dependent No More? I suggest picking up a copy of it and reading it. It may help you deal with your conflicted feelings and help you learn the difference between supporting vs. enabling. Additionally, if you have the means, maybe you could try some counseling. It's very helpful!
This doesn't mean that some day in the future, you won't reconcile or whatever. But for now, take care of yourself and let him figure out this mess he got himself into. That's what he has to do in order for recovery to take hold.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
I'm afraid I don't have experience to share with you..I just wanted to say 'hi and welcome'. There are tons of people on here in your position. Have a good read through other's postings when you have the time- what you wrote is echoed time and time again and there is some great advice and support. I'm sure someone with your experiences will soon be along to advise and support you and share their stories.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 37
You want him to be fixed and thank-you-very-much if it would happen yesterday. I know. Been there.
My AD has been using opiates for 4 years. I found out about 14 months ago and have spent those 14 months learning how to detach.
There is no answer to your question about how long the recovery process takes. It takes as long as he needs it to take. It's up to him.
The only thing you can do is decide how long you're willing to wait. For me, she's my daughter. She's always welcome back into my life when she's sober and working her recovery. (That doesn't necessarily mean I'll let her live with me. The jury's still out on that one.)
I wish you courage, strength and peace. *hugs*
My AD has been using opiates for 4 years. I found out about 14 months ago and have spent those 14 months learning how to detach.
There is no answer to your question about how long the recovery process takes. It takes as long as he needs it to take. It's up to him.
The only thing you can do is decide how long you're willing to wait. For me, she's my daughter. She's always welcome back into my life when she's sober and working her recovery. (That doesn't necessarily mean I'll let her live with me. The jury's still out on that one.)
I wish you courage, strength and peace. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Meggie
Welcome to SR......you've found a great place with so many people who understand what you are going thought. There is a tremendous amount of collective strength and wisdom here. I hope you'll come here often and share your experiences and learn from the experiences of others.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR......you've found a great place with so many people who understand what you are going thought. There is a tremendous amount of collective strength and wisdom here. I hope you'll come here often and share your experiences and learn from the experiences of others.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by meggie122 
i moved out monday night after realizing (although he won't admit it) that he was cheating on me on top of all of it.
Anyway, I disagree with the methadone, although I went with him and paid for his first appointment at the clinic. i just need to feel like i'm supportive i guess. After all, he really believes that the methadone is going to work. (i think it is a crutch.) anyway, i need some advice about practicing "tough love."
He's addicted to opitaes and has been cheating and somehow it's your responsibility to support him? Who supports you in all of this?
There is a slim, very slim, chance that there will be a prize at the end of this journey. While Methadone can be a life saving crutch for some, many addicts just switch their drug of choice to something else to take the edge off of life.
They don't have the skills to deal with life on life's terms and seek magical relief from substances.
obviously i moved out so that he would maybe realizing he was losing his wife and son. not to mention being disgusted with his lying about his affair.
So you moved out to teach him a lesson, eh? Sounds like an attempt to control him not the same thing as a healthy boundary for you.
but i still love him.
The 5 most repeated words we codependents use to rationalize our own sick behaviors and roles in all of it.
and he is getting on this methadone and starting NA meetings today. How do I know when he is better and I can move back in with him?
Better? No one just snaps out of it. He will be an addict forever. He will always be one lousy choice away from disaster.
How do i know what is enabling and what is supporting him? my addict friend said I should not even talk about us getting back together until he stops methadone but that could be 6 months to a year.
Some remain on Methodone forever. Most eventuallyjump off into another substance. A few do the really hard work it takes to sustain recovery.
Methadone eliminates the craving for opiates. Methadone does not eliminate the craving for a buzz. Has he gotten a job yet to support his Methadone Program?
I have a big heart and don't like seeing anyone hurt. I want my family back. i wish none of this had ever happened. and i'm so mad at myself for caring how he feels when he has hurt me so much, but i just am having a hard time.
YOur local library will have a copy or you can find it at Amazon used.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
Outtolunch. He has maintained his job while using the last year and a half. I didn't leave because I wanted to control him but because I could no longer stand to look at someone I knew was cheating on me. However I take my wedding vows seriously and he is the father of my son. Also, he is a good man inside. It is the addiction that has been feeding his lying, manipulating, cheating behavior. Shouldn't I have hope that he will find a way
to get where he was before when we met and he was a good person? I know addicts that have recovered for 30 years or more. I know I can't force him into anything obviously but how can I not have hope?
to get where he was before when we met and he was a good person? I know addicts that have recovered for 30 years or more. I know I can't force him into anything obviously but how can I not have hope?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
[QUOTE=anvilhead;2951475]give time time. QUOTE]
That one phrase says so much Meggie. He needs time, and so do you. Maybe something will work out, maybe not, but there's no crystal ball to tell you.
I know it hurts, but life is a journey with lots of twists and turns. But usually we find that if we work real hard, we can come out the other side happy and fulfilled.
I've been there, a few times in my life. Heck, right now I'm dealing with the pain of a hard break-up. But even though it hurts, I know from experience that whatever happens, I will be OK, in time.
Welcome to SR
Hugs
That one phrase says so much Meggie. He needs time, and so do you. Maybe something will work out, maybe not, but there's no crystal ball to tell you.
I know it hurts, but life is a journey with lots of twists and turns. But usually we find that if we work real hard, we can come out the other side happy and fulfilled.
I've been there, a few times in my life. Heck, right now I'm dealing with the pain of a hard break-up. But even though it hurts, I know from experience that whatever happens, I will be OK, in time.
Welcome to SR
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
