Hard Day
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Hard Day
Well I have finally stopped crying (had to take my sweatshirt off and use it for klenex..a new low).Just got back from dropping off my daughter..almost brought her back here and had codie relapse fantasies of knocking sense into her.
She is sober and working her program BUT Dear God is she far from healthy.She is in yet another abusive,controlling relationship..(w/ a sober ex con, tatooed on his FACE, married, and 30 years old.He called her about 6 times on the 2 hour ride..hanging up on her once when she asked if she could call him back.)That's all she's ever had ..do not understand why..may never understand..maybe it's not for me to understand.I immediately went into..what did I do/what could i have done to prevent this?Then into my defensive mode..her father and I have a great relationship..I worked at the women's shelter !)Stopped that and called an Alanon freind who listened to me bawl as drove the 2 hours home.
My head hurts, my heart hurts.I've said before..sobriety doesnt fix everything..she's got a serious process addiction with men goin on and it is just as heartbreaking to watch and she is in just as much danger as when she was sticking needles in her arm.The ray of light is that the relationships are getting shorter with sobriety..but she finds another one right away.No easy fix.Nothing I can do.I am worn out and really just need to focus on the things I have.
The topic of my Monday meeting was..we can't make someone want to get better..and when I try to force solutions it almost never works.I hope I can remember that..
She is sober and working her program BUT Dear God is she far from healthy.She is in yet another abusive,controlling relationship..(w/ a sober ex con, tatooed on his FACE, married, and 30 years old.He called her about 6 times on the 2 hour ride..hanging up on her once when she asked if she could call him back.)That's all she's ever had ..do not understand why..may never understand..maybe it's not for me to understand.I immediately went into..what did I do/what could i have done to prevent this?Then into my defensive mode..her father and I have a great relationship..I worked at the women's shelter !)Stopped that and called an Alanon freind who listened to me bawl as drove the 2 hours home.
My head hurts, my heart hurts.I've said before..sobriety doesnt fix everything..she's got a serious process addiction with men goin on and it is just as heartbreaking to watch and she is in just as much danger as when she was sticking needles in her arm.The ray of light is that the relationships are getting shorter with sobriety..but she finds another one right away.No easy fix.Nothing I can do.I am worn out and really just need to focus on the things I have.
The topic of my Monday meeting was..we can't make someone want to get better..and when I try to force solutions it almost never works.I hope I can remember that..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm so sorry. If I could bring you a box of tissues and save that sweatshirt from its icky fate, I would.
I feel the heartache in your post.
Can only hope through recovery, she finds within herself the reason for these doomed relationships and tries a new way.
Take tender care of yourself.
Oh, and maybe run a load of laundry before that sweatshirt dries
Just trying to make you smile maybe just a little.
Gentle hugs to you,
Alice
I feel the heartache in your post.
Can only hope through recovery, she finds within herself the reason for these doomed relationships and tries a new way.
Take tender care of yourself.
Oh, and maybe run a load of laundry before that sweatshirt dries
Just trying to make you smile maybe just a little.Gentle hugs to you,
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Keep)))- big hugs! My story is similar to hers, though I did the "totally wrong men" before I got into addiction. I vividly remember sitting on the couch, talking to my mom about XABF#1 and her crying, asking "what did I do to make you think this is what you deserve?" and she's been gone for almost 20 years.
I told her SHE didn't do anything wrong, but I know if I tell you the same, that doesn't mean you'll believe it or feel it. Don't know if mom ever got over the "what did I do wrong" feelings.
I'm hoping your daughter reaches the point I have...I've had it with the "bad boys". It took me a while, in recovery, until I stopped seeing someone who was SO not a good choice, and thinking "hmmmm, he looks interesting!!".
I'm glad you called your sponsor and came here.
Lots of love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I told her SHE didn't do anything wrong, but I know if I tell you the same, that doesn't mean you'll believe it or feel it. Don't know if mom ever got over the "what did I do wrong" feelings.
I'm hoping your daughter reaches the point I have...I've had it with the "bad boys". It took me a while, in recovery, until I stopped seeing someone who was SO not a good choice, and thinking "hmmmm, he looks interesting!!".
I'm glad you called your sponsor and came here.
Lots of love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I was driving and had no kleenex...so disgusting..wonder what the other drivers thought!
all you guys..I know these things take time ..hellokitty said on another thread today that rmembering and telling the person that they can handle this and that we believe they are strong enough is important..I forgot about that! She has worked hard on her recovery and can work on this as well..maybe just not as soon as I'd like but...
all you guys..I know these things take time ..hellokitty said on another thread today that rmembering and telling the person that they can handle this and that we believe they are strong enough is important..I forgot about that! She has worked hard on her recovery and can work on this as well..maybe just not as soon as I'd like but... Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
keepinon,
Well, there's good stuff in that post.
She is SOBER.
She is working HER program.
And, IMO, as she grows with her program, she'll find more self esteem, less codependency, and her "man picker" will improve.
I've always had thoughts regarding how my oldest AS always has a GF, including the baby momma...he is pushy, possessive, cruel, etc.
But I think he preys on young women who don't know who they are yet.
It takes a little while, but the girls always end up finding a way to get rid of him, and I bet your daughter will too.
You're doing okay, snotty sweatshirt and all...
Well, there's good stuff in that post.
She is SOBER.
She is working HER program.
And, IMO, as she grows with her program, she'll find more self esteem, less codependency, and her "man picker" will improve.
I've always had thoughts regarding how my oldest AS always has a GF, including the baby momma...he is pushy, possessive, cruel, etc.
But I think he preys on young women who don't know who they are yet.
It takes a little while, but the girls always end up finding a way to get rid of him, and I bet your daughter will too.
You're doing okay, snotty sweatshirt and all...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting right now. I think CynicalOne is right......your dear daughter may have codependency and self esteem issues and those will hopefully work themselves out as she progresses in her recovery.
I have no idea what it is about the "bad boys" that girls seem to be attracted to. Its bad for them and it's bad for the guys too. I wish the young women of the world would unite and proclaim "bad boys" a major turn off. Perhaps there would fewer bad boys and the young women would have a better selection of quality partners. Dreamin'......
Wish I could give you one of my gentle hugs in person.
ke
I have no idea what it is about the "bad boys" that girls seem to be attracted to. Its bad for them and it's bad for the guys too. I wish the young women of the world would unite and proclaim "bad boys" a major turn off. Perhaps there would fewer bad boys and the young women would have a better selection of quality partners. Dreamin'......
Wish I could give you one of my gentle hugs in person.
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Ah, the ole shirt for a snot rag bit. I know it well.
The tatooed face/ex con/married/controlling thing would put me over the top, too.
Many young women have a hard time grasping the power they have when they take responsibility for themselves.
I love the ending of the Wizard of Oz where Glinda, the Good Witch, tells Dorthey that she's had the power all along.
Where's Glinda when we need her, eh?
.
The tatooed face/ex con/married/controlling thing would put me over the top, too.
Many young women have a hard time grasping the power they have when they take responsibility for themselves.
I love the ending of the Wizard of Oz where Glinda, the Good Witch, tells Dorthey that she's had the power all along.
Where's Glinda when we need her, eh?
.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Did you know that Danielle steele the gazillionaire author married a guy in jail?
Yup!
And what about Nichole Kidman (ok, Keith U isn't too bad),
Madonna, Britney Spears, Sandra Bullock, Laura Bush?
She will come to her senses and as long as he doesn't start calling you "Mom", You will be ok. It sucks to see my friends doing this, so can't even imagine when it is your kid!
Keep telling her that you think he is fantastic, and she will break up with him.
:ghug3
Yup!
And what about Nichole Kidman (ok, Keith U isn't too bad),
Madonna, Britney Spears, Sandra Bullock, Laura Bush?
She will come to her senses and as long as he doesn't start calling you "Mom", You will be ok. It sucks to see my friends doing this, so can't even imagine when it is your kid!
Keep telling her that you think he is fantastic, and she will break up with him.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Keep telling her that you think he is fantastic, and she will break up with him.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Oh, laughing out loud here, for you are probably so right, and I wonder, is it worth a try? My luck, they would be married in a week, and ask to live with me....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I have an idea of the pain you are in b/c I have seen my addict mom make these kinds of poor choices over and over again. I also know how hard it has been on my grandmother to watch my mom's behaviors. Sending hugs to you and prayers for both you and your daughter.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I am doing a lot better today..went to a Families Anon meeting..while we were hanging out before..this mom there gets a call"your son isn't breathing" he overdosed..the friend did cpr and saved him, but holy crap.Just grateful right now for her sobriety..several of my recovering friends have said that this is not uncommon and they have hope for her..and guess what.. I am so freakin powerless over her life choices..duh right! Well I keep coming back cuz I constantly need to be reminded..thanks you guys..it does suck, but I am going to take the..you can change this approach..let her know we love her and there is something better for her out there..like I eventully did with her addicton..the physical distance helps too!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Keepinon)))
Wow- sure puts things into a different perspective, doesn't it? So glad that they were able to save this ladys son, surely hope that it was his bottom.
Bless your heart, Keep, it is so hard sometimes,but you are doing awesome. There are bound to be things that will get in her way in life, and you surely cant stop that, but she is in recovery, and thank God for that. She is in HP's hands, not yours, remember.
sending prayers for good things, take care of yourself.
hugs
chicory
Wow- sure puts things into a different perspective, doesn't it? So glad that they were able to save this ladys son, surely hope that it was his bottom.
Bless your heart, Keep, it is so hard sometimes,but you are doing awesome. There are bound to be things that will get in her way in life, and you surely cant stop that, but she is in recovery, and thank God for that. She is in HP's hands, not yours, remember.
sending prayers for good things, take care of yourself.
hugs
chicory
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((keepinon))
my hearts goes out to you - as a mom to five daughters & a bunch granddaughters - I have been thru similiar situations!
For the longest I carried lots of guilt over this because really they were doing exactly what they were raised to do ~ My relationship was so unhealthy - they had no other examples. . . but then I made healthier choices; Today i show them another way . . . I pray that they will find their way out before they are 45 yrs old. . .
I see some of them already making some changes - so there is HOPE my friend -
I pray the same for your beautiful daughter - It all comes from learning to love themselves. . .and realizing they are worth more!
Please keep taking care of YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
my hearts goes out to you - as a mom to five daughters & a bunch granddaughters - I have been thru similiar situations!
For the longest I carried lots of guilt over this because really they were doing exactly what they were raised to do ~ My relationship was so unhealthy - they had no other examples. . . but then I made healthier choices; Today i show them another way . . . I pray that they will find their way out before they are 45 yrs old. . .
I see some of them already making some changes - so there is HOPE my friend -
I pray the same for your beautiful daughter - It all comes from learning to love themselves. . .and realizing they are worth more!
Please keep taking care of YOU!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Yup......the difference between a good day and a bad day? One day.
You're doing fine. You are well grounded in YOUR recovery and your daughter benefits from that too.
There is always more to learn with this recovery stuff.......we never learn it all. That's kinda cool, huh?
gentle hugs
ke
You're doing fine. You are well grounded in YOUR recovery and your daughter benefits from that too.
There is always more to learn with this recovery stuff.......we never learn it all. That's kinda cool, huh?
gentle hugs
ke
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