Jail, Institution or Death
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Jail, Institution or Death
Of these three, my AS advised me that death is preferable.
This insidious disease is progressive. It is relentless.
It's very sad when, as a parent, you come to the conclusion that you cannot deal with the addict in any way. You cannot extend even the smallest bit of kindness--it will backfire.
I decided to invite my son to Easter dinner. I decided to treat him like I would any other member of my family. The thing is.....he has something that makes him different from any other member of my family--he is addicted to meth. He showed up on Saturday.....and spent the next three days in my guest bedroom sleeping....or in the refridgerator eating. I knew I had made a terrible mistake within the first few hours but I allowed it to continue for three days.
This morning was the first time that I truly feared him. I asked him to leave. He went ballistic. I called 911. He drove away before the police arrived but they stopped him down the road. Because he had not caused property damage (just made a LOT of noise slamming doors and throwning things) and had not hurt me, they let him go. They advised him that he was never to return to our home again or it would be considered trespassing. They advised me to get a restraining order against him.
I guess there are stages of letting go.......just like there are stages of addiction. Today I realized that in order for me to truly surrender--to really let go--I need to step away from the addict.....completely. If I could right now, I'd step away.....to another country!
No contact. It's so sad that it has come to this.......but it has.
Where is my recovery in all of this? Well, I pulled myself together after the tirade and subsequent visit with our local police department; I took a shower, got dressed, and came to work.
Jail, institution or death...........those are the results for an addict in the late stages of the disease if they don't seek treatment. I never thought I would get to the point where I no longer fear these outcomes. There is no useful purpose in fearing that which you cannot control.
ke
This insidious disease is progressive. It is relentless.
It's very sad when, as a parent, you come to the conclusion that you cannot deal with the addict in any way. You cannot extend even the smallest bit of kindness--it will backfire.
I decided to invite my son to Easter dinner. I decided to treat him like I would any other member of my family. The thing is.....he has something that makes him different from any other member of my family--he is addicted to meth. He showed up on Saturday.....and spent the next three days in my guest bedroom sleeping....or in the refridgerator eating. I knew I had made a terrible mistake within the first few hours but I allowed it to continue for three days.
This morning was the first time that I truly feared him. I asked him to leave. He went ballistic. I called 911. He drove away before the police arrived but they stopped him down the road. Because he had not caused property damage (just made a LOT of noise slamming doors and throwning things) and had not hurt me, they let him go. They advised him that he was never to return to our home again or it would be considered trespassing. They advised me to get a restraining order against him.
I guess there are stages of letting go.......just like there are stages of addiction. Today I realized that in order for me to truly surrender--to really let go--I need to step away from the addict.....completely. If I could right now, I'd step away.....to another country!
No contact. It's so sad that it has come to this.......but it has.
Where is my recovery in all of this? Well, I pulled myself together after the tirade and subsequent visit with our local police department; I took a shower, got dressed, and came to work.
Jail, institution or death...........those are the results for an addict in the late stages of the disease if they don't seek treatment. I never thought I would get to the point where I no longer fear these outcomes. There is no useful purpose in fearing that which you cannot control.
ke
no words today..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
There is no useful purpose in fearing that which you cannot control.
It still hurts, though, that it has come to this with your son. I acknowledge your hurt.
Sending support and encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
Kind eyes I just read my husband the first part of your post and he too without hesitation said "death" - that shocked me... And then he said "good thing I'm not going to relapse" (head shake)
You have weathered something terrible and I'm proud to read your posts and thoughts on your personal journey
Hugs
You have weathered something terrible and I'm proud to read your posts and thoughts on your personal journey
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
As a mom, my heart is with you.
Something else has taken over the boy you love.
God willing, your son will be back in your life.
I have a son who is severely autistic. All his life I had this vision of who he could be, that he would somehow overcome this and I wouldn't have to worry or stress over what his future holds.
I want to protect him all the time but I know I can't. Knowing we can't fix or protect and that the world may swallow him up stays with me always. I grieve a lot. You have been grieving too.
I refuse to let my grief and sadness dictate my life. Yet I let it wash over me because it has to, and yours is does too from time to time, like this past weekend. It comes up but it subsides again and we go on.
Peace and blessings mom.
BB
Something else has taken over the boy you love.
God willing, your son will be back in your life.
I have a son who is severely autistic. All his life I had this vision of who he could be, that he would somehow overcome this and I wouldn't have to worry or stress over what his future holds.
I want to protect him all the time but I know I can't. Knowing we can't fix or protect and that the world may swallow him up stays with me always. I grieve a lot. You have been grieving too.
I refuse to let my grief and sadness dictate my life. Yet I let it wash over me because it has to, and yours is does too from time to time, like this past weekend. It comes up but it subsides again and we go on.
Peace and blessings mom.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((((Ke))))),
My heart hurts for you, and for your son.
Tears, and prayers for strength for you to do what you should do, and for your son to find his bottom very soon.
I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, Ke. You are doing what you have to do, for both of you.
xoxoxo
Chicory
My heart hurts for you, and for your son.
Tears, and prayers for strength for you to do what you should do, and for your son to find his bottom very soon.
I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, Ke. You are doing what you have to do, for both of you.
xoxoxo
Chicory
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
He showed up on Saturday.....and spent the next three days in my guest bedroom sleeping....or in the refridgerator eating. I knew I had made a terrible mistake within the first few hours but I allowed it to continue for three days. It's so sad that it has come to this.......but it has.
in my eyes when I read your post. I dont know how many times I did the same thing, letting my son stay and him smashing the door window as he left screaming and shouting. Wow, its sh_t!youre right, we cant control them or it. Today is my eldest sons birthday and there I was this morning thinking about that day he was born and I could still see this little baby as clear as the day in my arms. Today I see a very angry frustrated man.
We've done all we can do and I feel so sad for your son. If our sons could only see what life could be. JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I know that all of you understand this hurt to one degree or another and your kind words feel like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders.
Justjo
I can also picture that little baby boy I had almost 30 years ago too. I can see his little eyes trying to focus on my face--searching. I can still see him fall asleep in my arms while I nursed him or standing next to his crib just amazed at how perfect and beautiful he was. I can see the laughing child so full of fun, enthusiasm and lots of questions! And the young man who was as handsome as any leading man in Hollywood. What happened to him? Where did he go?
Chicory
I have no way to think of or imagine his bottom. Right now he is in a free fall and I just can't bring myself to think about him hitting bottom. He's in God's hands.
Thank you all for reading my long posts and the gory details of loving a meth addict. I swear that drug is the devil himself.....snatching the souls of people who dare to challenge him. The support I receive here on SR keeps me focused on my recovery. As I've said before....it's not a perfect science but it's a far cry better than where I was four years ago....at least I am able to sleep now.
I had an interesting thought about the fear issue mentioned in my post.....that there is no useful purpose in fearing that which we cannot control. Perhaps it has been fear of his death that has kept me engaged. If I lose the fear, there is nothing that can hold me emotionally/psychologically hostage anymore.
Let go and let God. Turn fear into faith.
ke
Justjo
I can also picture that little baby boy I had almost 30 years ago too. I can see his little eyes trying to focus on my face--searching. I can still see him fall asleep in my arms while I nursed him or standing next to his crib just amazed at how perfect and beautiful he was. I can see the laughing child so full of fun, enthusiasm and lots of questions! And the young man who was as handsome as any leading man in Hollywood. What happened to him? Where did he go?
Chicory
I have no way to think of or imagine his bottom. Right now he is in a free fall and I just can't bring myself to think about him hitting bottom. He's in God's hands.
Thank you all for reading my long posts and the gory details of loving a meth addict. I swear that drug is the devil himself.....snatching the souls of people who dare to challenge him. The support I receive here on SR keeps me focused on my recovery. As I've said before....it's not a perfect science but it's a far cry better than where I was four years ago....at least I am able to sleep now.
I had an interesting thought about the fear issue mentioned in my post.....that there is no useful purpose in fearing that which we cannot control. Perhaps it has been fear of his death that has kept me engaged. If I lose the fear, there is nothing that can hold me emotionally/psychologically hostage anymore.
Let go and let God. Turn fear into faith.
ke
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hello Kindeyes. I am also the Mother of a meth addicted grown son, so I do feel where you are coming from & I've been in that situation many times before. I'm a slow-learner to put it mildly. You sound like a strong person in your recovery, so I'm betting on your survival here. As far as your son goes, always remember: where there is life, there is hope. But you are right that it is all out of our control. We can't do a thing about any of it. It's up to them to want something better for themselves & we can't make them want that. Just don't lose hope. We didn't see their addiction coming, so their recovery could come just as unexpectedly. ((((((((((((Understanding Hugs))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
You are so right about the fear...for a while I really had faith that my daughter would find recovery..and it freed me to step back and let her go..we had 6 weeks nc and it was ok..I need to get that back..I am thinking this was my HP letting me know that..Thanx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
KE: I understand completely how you just want to have them around for the holidays. I have been through many holidays as you described.
However, my family member has been replaced by a stranger I would never invite to my house. It still hurts, though.
Sending huggs and prayers your way.
However, my family member has been replaced by a stranger I would never invite to my house. It still hurts, though.
Sending huggs and prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
(((hugs)))) to you Kindeyes. It has helped me to read your thread starter and all the responses. Because I am no-contact with 25-YO AS, I don't know what is really going on. But from a distance it seems that he has found this nice, comfortable little nitch of enablers that he bounces around - chiefly the live-in girlfriend (who has the job, decent credit, and car) and his addict father who just lets him crash whenever. So I'm not fearing my son in a free-fall, I am fearing that he will not survive this because he has found this little subculture where the enabling never ends and the only bottoms are death (mental and/or physical) or jail. I found out from another family member that he had a second operation on his eye. He is soooo angry at me right now that he didn't want to ask for any kind of help from me with that. Why is he angry? Because I interfere with addiction by naming it.
This Easter I decided to e-mail him. His addiction has so distanced me that even to e-mail him takes me weeks to decide to do. So I just e-mailed him, said I missed him at Christmas, and re-stated that I was still available to help in any way I could should he think he was ready for that. He knows what I mean by that is getting off drugs/alcohol and getting help for that. As usual, there was no response. I know his e-mail account is active because I did not get back an e-mail failure message, so he will eventually read that.
His father has managed to follow that same path that I fear for my son - so this father has a lot to teach him on how to successfully live to an fairly old age and still maintain that life.
Perhaps if your son shows up at your house and you have to call the police, perhaps you and your husband could use that as a tool to get this son of yours into treatment. But i know what you mean about being afraid of them. I don't know about you, but there have been times when I've looked into the eyes of the addicted and seen evil. And at those times I go into survival mode and only want to get away from that.
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope."
Lewis Smeades
My God bless you today, Kindeyes, and may you grasp even the slightest bit of hope during this time of waiting.
Sojourner
This Easter I decided to e-mail him. His addiction has so distanced me that even to e-mail him takes me weeks to decide to do. So I just e-mailed him, said I missed him at Christmas, and re-stated that I was still available to help in any way I could should he think he was ready for that. He knows what I mean by that is getting off drugs/alcohol and getting help for that. As usual, there was no response. I know his e-mail account is active because I did not get back an e-mail failure message, so he will eventually read that.
His father has managed to follow that same path that I fear for my son - so this father has a lot to teach him on how to successfully live to an fairly old age and still maintain that life.
Perhaps if your son shows up at your house and you have to call the police, perhaps you and your husband could use that as a tool to get this son of yours into treatment. But i know what you mean about being afraid of them. I don't know about you, but there have been times when I've looked into the eyes of the addicted and seen evil. And at those times I go into survival mode and only want to get away from that.
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope."
Lewis Smeades
My God bless you today, Kindeyes, and may you grasp even the slightest bit of hope during this time of waiting.
Sojourner
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((((Kindeyes))))) What a weekend, huh? I'm sorry you had to live through that....
I remember the hissy fit, box throwing, full-on tantrum my A stepson threw when his father still insisted he move out at the end of his "30-day eviction notice" on the crack binge, get arrested, lose the job weekend. There were a lot of "You just don't love me"'s and "How could you do this to me?"s and so on.....it was quite flurry of clothes, belongings, boxes, and one major huff out the door.
I'm glad that you took the steps necessary to protect yourself, your peace, and your sanity. Knowing it's the right thing doesn't make it any easier, does it?
You, your son, and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, HG
I remember the hissy fit, box throwing, full-on tantrum my A stepson threw when his father still insisted he move out at the end of his "30-day eviction notice" on the crack binge, get arrested, lose the job weekend. There were a lot of "You just don't love me"'s and "How could you do this to me?"s and so on.....it was quite flurry of clothes, belongings, boxes, and one major huff out the door.
I'm glad that you took the steps necessary to protect yourself, your peace, and your sanity. Knowing it's the right thing doesn't make it any easier, does it?
You, your son, and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by sojourner
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
The sliver of hope is so very small at this point. I couldn't even talk to him while he was here for those three days. He'll say things like "I just need to be in a clean and sober environment." (he mean our house) When I mention Oxford Housing, he flips out. He wants things his way.....in our house.....and I'm not ok with that.
Waiting is the hardest work of hope.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Im so sorry Kindeyes, to you and other parents on here I want you all to know my thoughts and prayers are with you all, its heartbreaking to read your posts. I cant imagine what you all are going through with having a child dealing with addiction..very sad, I am so sorry.
Please dont give up hope and keep praying.
hugs to you all
Please dont give up hope and keep praying.
hugs to you all
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 37
Kindeyes, I'm so sorry. Letting go is hard. I have to keep reminding myself that it is for my AD's good as well as my own. You want a loving, fun-filled relationship with your AS. What good mother wouldn't?
Before my AD left for her current rehab stay, I found a two-word note on her desk. It looks like she wrote to herself, but I don't if she meant for anyone to find it.
It says: "Live or die?"
Blows you away, doesn't it? What mom wouldn't hurt or want to protect her child from death?
But in the end, she is the only one - as your AS is the only one - who can decide whether she lives or dies.
Sending positivity and prayers your way.
*hugs*
Before my AD left for her current rehab stay, I found a two-word note on her desk. It looks like she wrote to herself, but I don't if she meant for anyone to find it.
It says: "Live or die?"
Blows you away, doesn't it? What mom wouldn't hurt or want to protect her child from death?
But in the end, she is the only one - as your AS is the only one - who can decide whether she lives or dies.
Sending positivity and prayers your way.
*hugs*
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
