Jail, Institution or Death
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
If I lose the fear, there is nothing that can hold me emotionally/psychologically hostage anymore.
I was asked, by an addictionologist at my daughter's first detox, what I feared the most for her. Then he asked me to imagine how I survived it. After imagining every conceivable bit of terrible anguish for who knows how long, and of course wanting to die from the pain, I saw myself almost literally slowly coming out of the fetal position and asking "now what do I do?" I answered myself with "find a way to live."
That doctor asked me to go through the pain so that I could put it behind me. When my daughter was in the trauma unit after a car wreck, and I didn't know if she'd live or die, people here and in real life wondered at how calm I was. It wasn't easy, but I'd already gone through a dress rehearsal.
I remember hearing a voice while I raced to the airport, trying to get to her. That voice said, "it's not you, you're OK" and I realized it was true.
Kindeyes, you're going to be OK
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm sorry. I've been through this kind of stuff with my addict mom. We've had to call the police on her, etc. It must have been really scary and upsetting for you. The fact that you were able to pull yourself for work is good. It sounds like you didn't let your hurt take you completely over. Sending prayers for you.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Geez, I came back to see how you were Kindeyes and I re-read all of the posts here. To be honest It makes me feel so sad but comforting at the same time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sojourner
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
sojourner, this is so true for me and like kindeyes said, we loved our children and watched them grow (what happened to them)? It seems Ive been waiting for all these years, hoping my son will 'get it all together' but I guess thats not my choice, is it now. This made me realize alot sojourner.
All I want to do, is give all of you my blessings and love. Thankyou for being such beautiful mums. JJ
Quote:
Originally Posted by sojourner
"Waiting is our destiny. As creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for, we wait in the darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a 'not yet' that feels like a 'not ever.' Waiting is the hardest work of hope." Lewis Smeades
sojourner, this is so true for me and like kindeyes said, we loved our children and watched them grow (what happened to them)? It seems Ive been waiting for all these years, hoping my son will 'get it all together' but I guess thats not my choice, is it now. This made me realize alot sojourner.
All I want to do, is give all of you my blessings and love. Thankyou for being such beautiful mums. JJ
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kindeyes, you touch my heart with this post because I've been there too, as have many here, and we know your pain.
I finally shook free of the chains of fear when I found enough faith to trust God to take care of him...regardless of the outcome. I couldn't reach that kind of acceptance until I had worn myself out trying and I rest easy today knowing I did everything in my power to save him. Now it's up to a Power greater than myself.
Your boy is in my prayers tonight, and so are you.
Hugs from another mama's heart.
I finally shook free of the chains of fear when I found enough faith to trust God to take care of him...regardless of the outcome. I couldn't reach that kind of acceptance until I had worn myself out trying and I rest easy today knowing I did everything in my power to save him. Now it's up to a Power greater than myself.
Your boy is in my prayers tonight, and so are you.
Hugs from another mama's heart.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Accept outcomes even if they are different than what was "planned". And always have a Plan B. ~Kindeyes~
Maybe we're both being reminded of "acceptance" today.
More hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Well, I unfortunately relate to that same identical behavior as well. It is frustrating, numbing, infuriating, depressing, and crazy making to watch. Then you finally decide to say something, do something, and they blow up. I am so sorry that what you intended to be a sweet time turned so ugly. I too look at my husband and wonder where the heck that awesome guy I married went. I wish I could understand why they choose this... It simply evades sense.
Hugs to you. It hurts like hell...that I do know unfortunately.
Hugs to you. It hurts like hell...that I do know unfortunately.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
kindeyes- i am so sorry for your heart wrenching experience with your son - my prayers are with you as you continue this process of letting go - it cannot be done in one big effort - it comes about gradually - when we grab less and less back from God each time until we do not have anything left to grab back with - i also pray for your son - where there is life there is hope - keep pressing in - blessings
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