CanfixONLYme

Sigh - so like my last posts indicated my ah left treatment and is now at his aunts place - I went over today to help start cleaning the place because we are putting it on the market soon and the proceeds are going to her relatives.

Now. We were having a pretty great morning and he was happy cleaning etc and I was feeling good (not hopeful but good in the moment). So I'm in the kitchen and am purging the garbage - my ah doesn't recycle so I was seeing what stuff he was chucking away - I honestly was not looking for anything incriminating I swear. I see a crumpled ball of paper in the garbage and unravel it to see it's a receipt for a porno.

Now I have to say that I never used to have issues with this stuff as I liked a little of it myself here and there but my ah has admitted to being addicted to it AND it ends up being a gateway to him using eventually . He also said it makes him less attracted in having sex with me.

I approached him about it and he stares at it for a second and then looks at me with this blank look and balls it up and chucks it in a box beside him and then turns away to the chore of washing the floor that he was doing just leaving me to stare at his back.

I'm furious by this time but I go deadly quiet and walk into a different room to do my task and to calm down. I wait for 5 min and then approach him with a firm but quiet voice and tell him we need to talk. He is literally looking and acting like a 12 year old and quacks out "here you go snooping through my garbage making me feel like crap like my mum used to..."

I was dumbfounded and almost started to laugh. "are you kidding me?! The point is you have porn and both of us know where this leads to ... You relapsing! That's the point!"

He got all red in the face and I said "you're mad at me?!?" to which he mumbled that he was mortified. "Good. You should be."

It took him another 20 min before he'd even look at me and I tried once more to try to discuss it saying that normally I don't have a problem with that kind of stuff to which he started squirming around and looked at me with this painful look "can you just leave with me to deal with... Please?"

I said "fine im not going to nag you about it anymore - you've got a choice to make... Ill leave it at that."

Now an hour later and he seems back to normal but I'm disappointed - that he reverts to being so childish and of course is able to turn this all around to focus on his feelings - not how disrespectful he's being to me and his recovery.

Q: have any of you had this experience and if so, what did you do (or not do)'about it? Is just lettin him make this choice part of me working my own program?

BarelyHere

I can so relate.... If its not porn on the computer its stealing $ from the business or lying about something. Even now that my rah is sober from opiates he has picked up a lot of bad habits he didn't have when we got married and before he got addicted. I am not sure how much longer I can hold out.
Sorry, this probably didn't help. I am very unhappy with my own situation right now.

Babyblue

Yup, letting him make the choice is part of your program. Not acting like a mom because shaming him really won't help.

I know that wasn't what you intended but if I didn't know this was your AH, I could have believed you were talking about your teenaged son

Abundance

Very good for you to have calmed down before approaching him.

Question:
What kind of response did you *want* to get out of him by approaching with your "AH - HA" moment?

I had many "ah - ha" moments- and when I was bringing them to his attention to "show him" what I found ... I was really just doing this to myself:

Because - for him it was just another thing for you to be mad about and believe me ... when he is doing something that you won't like - he really doesn't care about you liking it or not. He's going to do what he is going to do - regardless.

You allow what you teach and you teach what you allow.

Like Anvil said - It's his stuff.

CanfixONLYme

I was thinking these things during and afterwards - which is a HUGE step for me (yay!). I would usually obsess about it for days and question his mood and if he were attracted to me... Why why blah blah pbbbbbbbt!!!

And I didn't this time! Woo hoo!

Abundance

Good stuff! Keep that attention and focus on you!

rose

I understand where you were coming from, it would be very hard turning a blind eye and not commenting to him on it. All the more of a reason why you stood your ground with him on not allowing him to move back home with you, he is not leaning towards recovery and you just proved your point to him without even trying. The chips just fell where they needed at the time.

Rose

Seren

Ewwwww...... and

:codiepolice

You are the one who deserves all your time and energy!!!!

HG

newnormal4me

****{hugs}}}

Nina Kay

I have learned that I have to accept others as they are & their choices for their lives. But I also have to realize that I have the power & the right to choose how I want to live my life & what I will allow into my life.