right thing?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
HI Steve1840,
I've read some of your posts and so totally relate to you! I just read your comment on the thread in substance abusers on whether or not people resent their enablers. I wanted to answer there, but thought it's probably better here.
I also found it incredibly hard to step away from my ex, and 3 months after I stepped away he died. So I was left with wondering if I'd done the right thing, and also wondering if I'd stepped away sooner he would have had more chance of getting better.
I do believe the latter now, and I hope you can find the strength to do it!
But I do feel that people are altogether too hard on those that love someone with an addiction! It is not easy to leave someone you love in a desperate state knowing they could die. I used to fall into a black hole all the time and weaken. You are not alone. It's a really steep learning curve and I think those that love someone with an addiction need as much support as the person with the addiction, and they also need understanding!
Personally, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you because you love this woman. I don't think there was anything "wrong" with me either. I didn't fall in love with an addict, I fell in love with a person who became an addict.
In the end I realised I was just getting hurt all the time and he wasn't getting better. I didn't want to lose him, but I also realised he'd let me go. The drugs mattered far more than me. That's when I got to be able to let go.
But I don't think you're foolish for loving her. I think it's sad that she doesn't see what she's passing up to continue on the path she's on because everything you write tells me you've got a heart of gold. Wishing you peace xxx
I've read some of your posts and so totally relate to you! I just read your comment on the thread in substance abusers on whether or not people resent their enablers. I wanted to answer there, but thought it's probably better here.
I also found it incredibly hard to step away from my ex, and 3 months after I stepped away he died. So I was left with wondering if I'd done the right thing, and also wondering if I'd stepped away sooner he would have had more chance of getting better.
I do believe the latter now, and I hope you can find the strength to do it!
But I do feel that people are altogether too hard on those that love someone with an addiction! It is not easy to leave someone you love in a desperate state knowing they could die. I used to fall into a black hole all the time and weaken. You are not alone. It's a really steep learning curve and I think those that love someone with an addiction need as much support as the person with the addiction, and they also need understanding!
Personally, I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you because you love this woman. I don't think there was anything "wrong" with me either. I didn't fall in love with an addict, I fell in love with a person who became an addict.
In the end I realised I was just getting hurt all the time and he wasn't getting better. I didn't want to lose him, but I also realised he'd let me go. The drugs mattered far more than me. That's when I got to be able to let go.
But I don't think you're foolish for loving her. I think it's sad that she doesn't see what she's passing up to continue on the path she's on because everything you write tells me you've got a heart of gold. Wishing you peace xxx
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Sorry Steve, but that bone has been chewed to death. It's time to get a new bone.
Amen. This habitual bone is getting old. Steve go back and re-read from day one. You're still @ square one. There is so much help here on SR, but you've gotta take it. Really take it for it to make a difference. She's poison to you on every level, yet you still keep taking sips waiting for it to kill you.
Amen. This habitual bone is getting old. Steve go back and re-read from day one. You're still @ square one. There is so much help here on SR, but you've gotta take it. Really take it for it to make a difference. She's poison to you on every level, yet you still keep taking sips waiting for it to kill you.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Just wondering Steve, do you go out with any friends or co-workers where there is no conversation regarding her. Have you noticed a decline in any friends or invites to places resulting in your obsession with her. After so long if we are not careful, people get wornout with the constant woes, samething over and over. You don't want to end up isolating yourself.
Rose
Rose
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
yes, i am basically at square one. i started therapy today. should be an ok fit. she said for me not to beat up on myself for being stuck, that i'm just not at the right place yet to make the cut, but we'll work on me to see if i do get there.
milo- thank you. i am sorry to hear about your experience. that's one of my fears. she and i talk now and then, and that's a big thing for her, she always says she doesn't know how much worse she'd be without me in her life. could be nothing, but for now i still feel i mean a lot to her despite everything.
rose-
i actually only talk to a few people about this. however, i have isolated myself to a degree.
milo- thank you. i am sorry to hear about your experience. that's one of my fears. she and i talk now and then, and that's a big thing for her, she always says she doesn't know how much worse she'd be without me in her life. could be nothing, but for now i still feel i mean a lot to her despite everything.
rose-
i actually only talk to a few people about this. however, i have isolated myself to a degree.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Hi steve1840 (again)
I know I'm swimming against the tide here, but I do really relate to you and I also isolated myself to a dangerous degree! It doesn't help to feel ashamed of the love you feel, and you know I'm sure I'm not the only one who understands how you feel. And it's really really difficult (and isolating) to be going through this on your own.
It was my biggest fear too, that A would die. You obviously do really love this woman, that's why you can't let go BUT it's true that you can't help her.
I try to think of how I could have done it better. I don't know! But I do wish I'd been able to walk away earlier, saying see me when you get better. I do think that's the only thing that might have helped both of us.
You do have to face the fact that drugs are more important than you are. I had to face that one too, because the pain it brought into my life was excruciating, and that's not loving someone to bring so much pain to them. I knew that he still loved me when he obeyed my wishes and stopped contacting me and told me I was not getting harder, I was getting smarter.
He knew the pain he was causing, but he couldn't stop what he was doing. he was trapped.
So is your friend. There are ways out of that trap, but she has to want to get out and you can't make her want that.
In the meantime, your life is also important! YOU are important! Something that I forgot about myself.
Tell her what it's doing to you. Tell her you need her to stay away until she decides she wants to get over it all, because only then can you help her. The way it is she is causing you heartbreak on heartbreak. Heartbreak she is somewhat immune to because she's using a drug that deadens pain.
Tell her you love her, but you need her to love you too!
From my experience the pain of being on the other end of it is no less than the pain of the one addicted. You need help yourself!
It's not good isolating yourself - you need support.
I see it now as something that was way beyond my control. I don't think I could protect myself from the pain because I already loved him. I have always found it hard to separate from another, even friends.
It was the most difficult thing in the world to say those words to him, Don't contact me any more, but I know I had to. It could have had a different outcome if he'd wanted that, but we have no control over others!
Love her and let her go. Love yourself and understand that you are suffering too and need all the help you can get to get through this.
She's not being fair on you, neither was A on me and I think he hated himself for it. That's why he said those words to me - not harder but smarter.
He knew. She does too. I think he also knew he wasn't going to stop.
I know I'm swimming against the tide here, but I do really relate to you and I also isolated myself to a dangerous degree! It doesn't help to feel ashamed of the love you feel, and you know I'm sure I'm not the only one who understands how you feel. And it's really really difficult (and isolating) to be going through this on your own.
It was my biggest fear too, that A would die. You obviously do really love this woman, that's why you can't let go BUT it's true that you can't help her.
I try to think of how I could have done it better. I don't know! But I do wish I'd been able to walk away earlier, saying see me when you get better. I do think that's the only thing that might have helped both of us.
You do have to face the fact that drugs are more important than you are. I had to face that one too, because the pain it brought into my life was excruciating, and that's not loving someone to bring so much pain to them. I knew that he still loved me when he obeyed my wishes and stopped contacting me and told me I was not getting harder, I was getting smarter.
He knew the pain he was causing, but he couldn't stop what he was doing. he was trapped.
So is your friend. There are ways out of that trap, but she has to want to get out and you can't make her want that.
In the meantime, your life is also important! YOU are important! Something that I forgot about myself.
Tell her what it's doing to you. Tell her you need her to stay away until she decides she wants to get over it all, because only then can you help her. The way it is she is causing you heartbreak on heartbreak. Heartbreak she is somewhat immune to because she's using a drug that deadens pain.
Tell her you love her, but you need her to love you too!
From my experience the pain of being on the other end of it is no less than the pain of the one addicted. You need help yourself!
It's not good isolating yourself - you need support.
I see it now as something that was way beyond my control. I don't think I could protect myself from the pain because I already loved him. I have always found it hard to separate from another, even friends.
It was the most difficult thing in the world to say those words to him, Don't contact me any more, but I know I had to. It could have had a different outcome if he'd wanted that, but we have no control over others!
Love her and let her go. Love yourself and understand that you are suffering too and need all the help you can get to get through this.
She's not being fair on you, neither was A on me and I think he hated himself for it. That's why he said those words to me - not harder but smarter.
He knew. She does too. I think he also knew he wasn't going to stop.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Phew! Sorry - I'm taking up all the space here. I just wanted to add that your thread is helping me, Steve! It's helping me understand myself and all that happened.
And I think my biggest battle was believing in myself, still is.
Sorry if I got a bit over the top. I'm still trying to process it all myself.
People are right when they tell you to let go, but I do think you need support and to know that your feelings are normal. Sorrow is a huge part of it all, and your feelings matter no less than hers or anyone's, but sorrow is a part of life unfortunately.
And I guess it's along the lines of the sorrow anyone feels to watch someone they love doing something, ANYTHING, that you can see is destroying them. The trick is not to let it destroy you too because that's not what we're here for and doesn't help them at all.
Just wanted to say that too. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist too for support. Good luck xxx
And I think my biggest battle was believing in myself, still is.
Sorry if I got a bit over the top. I'm still trying to process it all myself.
People are right when they tell you to let go, but I do think you need support and to know that your feelings are normal. Sorrow is a huge part of it all, and your feelings matter no less than hers or anyone's, but sorrow is a part of life unfortunately.
And I guess it's along the lines of the sorrow anyone feels to watch someone they love doing something, ANYTHING, that you can see is destroying them. The trick is not to let it destroy you too because that's not what we're here for and doesn't help them at all.
Just wanted to say that too. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist too for support. Good luck xxx
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milo-
i am glad this thread is helping you too and it is nice to read your posts.
thanks everyone for the therapy support, i need it. i realize that i am armed with information, but unable to pull the trigger. i'm trying not to dwell on things which is why i am not posting as much. sometimes over posting keeps me stuck. plus work is still killer busy- i cannot understand why some many people are doing research.
i'm trying to keep from giving updates about her, there isnt much to say though.
same for me- not much new to say. i'm a little better than last week, but still a long way off from better altogether.
i am glad this thread is helping you too and it is nice to read your posts.
thanks everyone for the therapy support, i need it. i realize that i am armed with information, but unable to pull the trigger. i'm trying not to dwell on things which is why i am not posting as much. sometimes over posting keeps me stuck. plus work is still killer busy- i cannot understand why some many people are doing research.
i'm trying to keep from giving updates about her, there isnt much to say though.
same for me- not much new to say. i'm a little better than last week, but still a long way off from better altogether.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Letting go doesn't have to mean total devastation.. no trigger is there to pull. It is a process of acceptance. You may be surprised at how quickly you will regain your footing. No one is saying erase her from your mind, forget you ever knew her, or anything like that. It is about moving forward with your life in a healthier way. Try to at least break away from her for as long as you can.. It gets easier. From farther away, you'll get a better perspective on what you need to do.
You will get off the ride when the time comes and I think now you are finally closer to it. One day you will just wake up and realize 'I can't feel like this anymore, I want to feel good again'. I woke up one day and realized that I deserved better. Didn't mean I loved him less but that I was shortchanging myself.
It isn't all gloom and doom, it is about re-opening possibilities in your life and not getting stuck on someone who isn't healthy. She isn't dependent on your involvement in her life at all. She will find another Steve quickly.
My suggestion would be TO post here because you won't feel so alone in the process. It helped me. I dont think about him when I post, I think about myself and how his disease has affected my life. It helped me to let go of my fantasies and to stop beating myself up.
Just my feedback as always.. you will be ok!
You will get off the ride when the time comes and I think now you are finally closer to it. One day you will just wake up and realize 'I can't feel like this anymore, I want to feel good again'. I woke up one day and realized that I deserved better. Didn't mean I loved him less but that I was shortchanging myself.
It isn't all gloom and doom, it is about re-opening possibilities in your life and not getting stuck on someone who isn't healthy. She isn't dependent on your involvement in her life at all. She will find another Steve quickly.
My suggestion would be TO post here because you won't feel so alone in the process. It helped me. I dont think about him when I post, I think about myself and how his disease has affected my life. It helped me to let go of my fantasies and to stop beating myself up.
Just my feedback as always.. you will be ok!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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kiki-
very nice. sounds much like me.....only if the volume is at zero. i like that stuff. i', italian and that music always reminds me of being at one of my great grandmother's houses. i think her boy was mario lanza.
thanks
very nice. sounds much like me.....only if the volume is at zero. i like that stuff. i', italian and that music always reminds me of being at one of my great grandmother's houses. i think her boy was mario lanza.
thanks
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