steve1840

rita-
i know. i know i should be tryingto havea happy life again. what scares me too is that somehow i am comfortable in this quagmire. i'm used to it. someone above said about water rising to its level- or sinking to it is more like it here. i no she'll do whatever she is going to do whether i am there or not. i know i should be wanting a healthy happy life. its been a while.

i have this sympathetic/empathetic part of me that i guess dictates my being. i dont expect anyone to say i should stay with her or not try to better myself.

i guess where i am lost now is how to do it. i think i have been hit with the reality that this is finally it. she's made her choice. i have to choose not to follow her into the fire, but dam i i know how to. i want to follow her in justot be there for her. we'd both die if it were a burning building. i'm seeing a new therapist monday. i feel i have totally lost it again. i dont know whats what. i dont know how i keep getting back here. i think i had a lot of false confidence. it was easy to say i can go no contact after only a dat or two of it, I have put no real work into this, but i feel at odds with myself to work at something that my being is fighting against.

kiki5711

and that's exactly what will happen if you so CHOOSE. You can die with her, or start a new life without her.

There's no OTHER option.

tam

steve, I havent replied to your posts because I felt frustrated that you keep repeating yourself and you seem to be obsessed about her, this forum is about recovery and helping others understand what addiction does to family/friends and how we,together cope..so I thought of things to post that would not have been kind to you and having been in your position I didnt want to hurt you as I know your suffering.

BUT, I think your problems are not all related to addiction. we all have had
difficulties,trajedies, family issues in our lives and adding addiction to it just
adds to it.

I think you need professional help, a therapist to work you through whats in your head besides her. once you do that I think you can work on your own recovery with dealing or not dealing with her.

why do I say that? I was told to talk to a therapist many months ago , I said why me? Im not the problem, my addict is!! well, I was in a deep dark hole
just like you, I couldnt work on myself, I didnt know how. so I finally went
to a therapist (crawled in almost) and she was able to help me deal with
not only my AH but life itself. MY LIFE, MY ISSUES,MY THOUGHTS, MY NEEDS,MY SELF ESTEEM, MY WAY OF DEALING WITH EVERYTHING..steve, that took such a huge burden off my shoulders to talk about
things in my life that have affected me, deep inside, things I didnt release or want to acknowledge..then and only then was I able to see that it wasnt
just the addict interfering with my recovery, it was ME..

we are not professionals on here, we are here to support people, educate them and share our exp. with addiction. I seriously advise you to seek professional help for YOU.

I hope you do steve, I know it will help you.

Babyblue

I'm glad you are getting a new therapist. This is no way to live.

Letting go is really about letting go of the idea that we can understand the A better than they understand themselves. They know the addicts life far better than we do.

Some want a different way of living and get help, some don't. She is quite comfortable in that life. Or she would seek help.

I have been hard on you but I or anyone else here is no stronger than you or we'd not be here. Understanding & acceptance happens at a different rate, that is all.

I'm still anxious sometimes, sure. I pray about him and hope he gets well. That is ALL any of us can do. I don't think about his future, our future etc. I think about MY life as it is right now, immediately around me and all the blessings I have. But it took months of curled up in a ball sobbing to get to this point.

It isn't easy but it is possible.

steve1840

thanks for the thoughts. i actually did find a new therapist i'll be seeing on monday.

btw- man have i looked into myself the past several years!
i've learned a lot, but have not dealt with it, so maybe this therapy thing will help with t
hat.

steve1840

babyblue-

you've been fine, not too hard at all. i think i am atthe point of there having to be change and i am experiencing growing pains.

i dont know if i agree that she is comfortable, but it is true she is not seeking help. at least not enough to makea differnece. in time i am sure i'll be better

kiki5711

of course she's not comfortable in the true sense of being "comfortable".

who would be happy and comfortable like that?

perhaps she's also addicted to that life style. if she's stronger than you with her addicted mind and draws you into that cesspool, instead of you being stronger and setting a better lifestyle so that she can look upon you and wish she could be there, it will end badly for both of you.

she looks at you and see nothing promising other than providing her with her addiction necessities. You are not showing her that it can change. You are showing her that her addiction is stonger than your desire to create a better life. She's stronger than you because she has a hold on you.

If you got your life together and she got hooked on trying to be there with you, then there might be a chance.

steve1840

kiki- that is inspirational.

Babyblue

I heart kiki!

steve1840

another weird thing- i ca nread a million booksthat paint this as a toxic relationship and every word will ring true, but it still wont change me.


i am lookingforwardto therapy. i hope she is a good fit.

Babyblue

I get more out of therapy than al-anon. I am someone who 'awfulizes'. I think the worst of things in almost a masochistic type of way. My therapists helps me pick through those crazy thoughts and points out how I am putting myself under way more stress than there really is.

Hope it is a good fit for you as well!

kiki5711

MsPINKAcres

prayers for good results on monday for you Steve!!

hang in there -

There are good things in store for you - I can just feel it!!!!!!!!!
(well maybe that was just my spicy cajun breakfast, but I'm just trying to positive & lighten the mood a little ) Everyone deserves a SMILE too!

PINK PINK HUGS!
Rita

steve1840

i'm taking my meds. i'm trying not to obsess. but it's happening again. i feel like i am falling apart. i'm sinking to that place where i just wantto be in her arms again before all this started. i know its wrong, i know i am crazy. i am normally such a together person. nothing feels right, except my memories of better times with her. i'm sorry. i know i cant give up on myself, but i dont feel like i have any fight in me for me, only for her.

kiki5711

Sorry Steve, but that bone has been chewed to death. It's time to get a new bone.

The ball's in your court. There's absolutely "NOTHING" that you're doing now that shows any kind of "fighting for her".

steve1840

good point kiki. its that morning depression that really messes me up. you wrote this above: You are not showing her that it can change That is helping me.

there's another thread abundance re-posted about hands off the addict. it seems so easy when i read it. it makes sense. it somehow makes me live the fantasy that it will work out, but that gets overtaken by the fears. hope hope hope. thats all i have left.

Abundance

Two people in a relationship - looks like this: I I AND %. If you are not a STRONG *I* ... then you can't have a strong *%*.

So ... be hopeful for YOU ... GET STRONG in the *I* and the rest will fall into place.

Chart your progress... on your own work. GET excited about YOU!

steve1840

abundance-
i'll get there again. i'm just in a funk right now. this time the whole thing feels different, like its for real now. there is no back up plan, no going back to old ways. in the past i think i lied to myself that i would be done, just like an addict, knowing that i'd let her back. there is no going back this time and maybe thats why its hitting me hard.


i am grateful for you all, and thankful for those who have been around for years- i see join dates 07, 08, etc. i hope that your pain has greatly diminished.

steve1840

i'll pull out of this

Abundance

Yup .. you will Steve... pull out of it.

AH - dang woman!!!! You are sooo good!

There really should be a book of Anvilhead out and published by now!!!!!!

Steve... PS... btw .... AH was and still is a right big ol' foot up my arse which is probably LOTS better than having my own head up there! She does a great job of kicking it out!