CanfixONLYme

I'm going to be very short (I hope). I've posted my stories of what's going on with my AH who will have been in treatment for 2 months this coming week.

I found out last night we owe money for taxes (quite a bit actually) and I was really stupid and stressed out about it to him. He immediately got upset and said he was going to 'come home' to start work in order to pay this off.

I told him to stay where he was... that I was going to figure it out and that his recovery was more important.

Well today the spit hit the fan because he has this 'exit plan' he showed his sponsor and the people at the treatment facility and was planning on leaving this Tues. When he was out with the rest of the house volunteering, the two workers there called me very concerned with this 'plan'.

I told them that I wasn't in agreement of him leaving... that I want him to stay for the full duration of the program (another 2 months - hell, that might not even be enough - sigh) and they strongly feel that he's using this 'money' thing as an excuse to eventually relapse.

So, I chatted with my AH during his brief phone time and I went right into it saying that he's made some great strides being there etc. over the past few months and I need him to stay and keep his promise. He was livid. He wanted to read me this 'plan' and I said I wasn't interested. I wanted him to stay PERIOD.

"I'm not learning anything here though!!! All I do is sit around and do nothing. Also, the money that is owed is in my name NOT yours...and I've got to get that under control."

All these things are just EXCUSES because he's NEVER cared about his finances etc. and has just started (since last night) to obsess about this PLAN - and was furious I wouldn't take the bait. I was calm and said that he's not welcome home and he knows the consequences if he leaves (his family will cut him off and I'll start looking at separating etc).

If he can't keep his word about staying in treatment (he PROMISED us all he'd stay no matter what), then he's going to f-up soon somehow with other 'promises' he's made. I'm tired of it.

Anyway, he almost left but his family wouldn't answer their phones to take his calls and he's realized that he doesn't have any other place to go to.

His attitude though really stinks ... and his moods have fluctuated drastically from one day to the next (that he likes it there, to hates it, to concern that it's not enough time) etc.

The director has gotten to the point where he's thinking "Enough is enough" - Basically either my AH wants to get better or I think they may kick him out. I'm really worried about that because I'm firm with my decision of him not coming home.

I can't do anything more except let it go. It SUCKS big time because I hate the 'wait' for tomorrow to be able to call to see if he's 'back to normal' again... (another huge reason why he needs to go see a psychiatrist - his moods are just insanely fluctuating, but everyone there thinks it's the addiction talking).

All I know is that I'm tired of his baby, all about me attitude and I'm standing firm in that he's not welcome home at this time.

Hugs to all of you,

laurie6781

Just a thought, but how about NOT calling on Friday or Saturday, Calling on Sunday to day you will call once a week.

This is why many Re-habs have a No Contact policy for families and Significant Others. So the A can totally and completely concentrate on their recovery and not have that 'hook' to the outside.

What are you doing for YOU while he is gone? Unfortunately, we also become 'sick' while living with an A and need some therapy, or AlAnon, or some really good self help books, like "Co Dependent No More" to get our own heads turned around and back on track.

We are here for you, but we can only be with you in spirit, whereas with therapy and/or AlAnon you can get some face to face local support.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so much.

Love and hugs,

Kindeyes

Whooooooo.....breathe.........the anxiety you are feeling comes through your post clearly. The emotional cycles that an addict (using and early recovery) are so dramatic that it's really tough to be around......or even talk to them.

You're doing your part by holding your boundary. The rehab will do their part. But the most important thing is your husband has to want to do his part.......and he's the only one who can do it.

It's very hard not to obsess about what will happen tomorrow. I find that when I get into those very high anxiety times.....I pray and that's the only way I find relief. I have to let it go and let my HP handle those things that I'm just not strong enough to manage or have no control of.

You and your husband will be in my prayers. This is really tough disease....not only on the addict but those who love them.

gentle hugs
ke

kiki5711

There's one thing I didn't want my family to do while I was in rehab and that is to CONTACT ME. I told them, to NOT call me unless the house is on fire and even then, maybe.

However, I was only there one week. THE best one week vacation I had in YEARS. I don't know if I could be there several months.

Francismcan

"I'm tired of his baby, all about me attitude"

If he surrenders his will and stays he will make progress.
If he exercises his will and leaves he will regress.

outtolunch

Believe them.

Nothing you can do about your husband's choices.

You do have control over your reaction to the " what ifs". Not having a bed/couch with you or family might compel him to reconsider. Maybe not.

Nothing you can do or say will keep in in treatment and nothing you do or say can cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

In the meantime, have you considered not calling him/taking the calls and instead putting the focus back where it belongs, on yourself?

kiki5711

I'd like to take a different point of view. I don't think it's a good idea to force him to stay at rehab as if in prison. It sounds like it will backfire and not be productive.

Chino

kiki, no one is suggesting 'forcing' him to stay. It's an option for him to choose from him.

Babyblue

No one can force him to stay but I think the rehab also needs to do their part in working with him to participate in the program.

Ultimately it will be your husband's decision and whatever consequences that follow but the red herring here is the program. Two more months isn't that long of a time so I'm just looking at this objectively here. Not laying fault but the job of staying is between him and the program... them calling you about the 'plan' seems a bit odd to me.

I know no one can force him to stay but it says something about the program's effectiveness (or lack of). Can you tell the counselors that you are not allowing him back into your home unless he completes the program? See how they can handle it from there?

He isn't the first person to threaten to leave so they should be able to deal with it without involving you.

CanfixONLYme

Thanks to all of you for posting your thoughts on this. I just opened another thread because my AH left today...

I'm not sure of the details behind the scene about my husband's 'plan' but I wouldn't put it past him to have 'suggested' to them that I was on board with it. I think they called me to see if that was true. They were really concerned with him leaving and thought that I was okay with it (I'm not). So, they went back to him to tell him that this plan wasn't going to fly (they didn't want to see or discuss it and I didn't either).

He needed to DO things, not just chatter... he's done this so much (I've lost count) of his GREAT plans he has... and I know this wasn't going to be any different because he wouldn't put them to use. He lives in this dream world where if he feels he thinks about doing something, it's just as good as doing it... so messed.

I HATE ADDICTION!!!

Justfor1

Yeah rehab is suppose to be about help not punishment. I suspect that other patients at the rehab know his mind set quite well. If they are thinking that he is planning a relapse they are probably correct.

Impurrfect

The "I need to get out of here to help you....." is something most A's say when they are looking for a reason to get out. He just wants you to THINK it's for a "good reason". It's quacking. I can't tell you how many times my XABF#3 wanted me to bail him out of jail because he "had a job waiting". I didn't, his brother did, and he went back to crack. The man hadn't HAD a job in close to 30 years, unless you consider selling the crack you didn't smoke a "job"

Rehab may very well kick him out if he's putting no effort into getting better. They do this for a living...they can tell when people really WANT recovery and when someone is just pretending to want it.

Thing is, stick with your boundaries..he doesn't come home, and hopefully his family won't let him come home either.

I do agree with cutting back on the phone calls. He needs to work on him, and you need the time to work on you. Daily phone calls just keep the **** stirred up. Maybe not hearing from you but once a week will help him to see the position he is in. It, most certainly, will give you more peace of mind.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CanfixONLYme

Hi Immpurfect, he left today... I posted another threat "AH Left the Building..." earlier on.

I should have not have called so much, nor should I have gone to visit him the two times that I did... It started to take his mind off his recovery and he started thinking of ways to get out of there... this one succeeded (in his mind). That he needed to come home to 'help' the situation.

He's now at a bar 1.5 hours away from here drinking (his mum told me her stepdaughter saw him)... so he's def. not helping the situation at all now eh?! He tried coming home and I said no - his family has also 'disowned' him right now unless he goes back to treatment and gets better (he says he's never going again)...

So unless some miracle happens, he may never get better. That makes me just so sad. What a wasted life.

hope all are having a peaceful eve...

Impurrfect

(((Canfix))) - don't beat yourself up over what you did. HE made this decision, and we only grow in recovery by learning from what has, and hasn't worked in the past.

He's doing exactly what he wants to do, with no thought of the consequences. Allow him to deal with the consequences...it's what eventually led ME into recovery, not only from my addiction, but also my codependency.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CanfixONLYme

Thanks Immpurfect... I will release that (and if I'm having troubles, keep trying!) --

However, with that said, he's got one person in his family who thinks i'm a total hag (his cousin who he was really close with a long time ago but who doesn't give a crap about the family or my AH... never calls, never hangs out etc.).

I got this scathing email this eve from him because I had asked him not to give my AH a ride if he asked. My AH was in treatment just down the street from his cousin and my AH had left his car at his sisters (one town over). To give my AH a ride would be enabling him to get what he wanted (his vehicle) to go and do what he pleased. His cousin is FURIOUS with me (and his mum and sister). This is his email (which at first I was a bit miffed, but he has no freaking clue what's been going on and has only gotten my AH's version.

- So will Brad (that's his cousin) now think that my AH went drinking because everyone abandoned him and that it's my fault?? I just don't get it...

His cousin's email (who seems very neandrathal):
i drove Chris to get his car today because that is what he wanted im so tiered of everyone turning there back on him when he is doing good those treatment places are the worst thing for him and told him to stop going to them you all should know by now they dont work he has been to them 100 times. He called his mom to come by there and she said do not come to her house i just dont get you people the only time you guys love him and treat him nice is when he is doing bad.Then i seen him later on in the day and he said you wouldnt let him come home its your husband and you married him knowing what he was about if you dont whant to be with him anymore then get a divorce.You all need to support him and love him when he is doing good like now not not when he is doing bad like you guys always do. "

Whaaa? I then responded as politely as I could saying he didn't know what he was talking about... and that if my AH was doing good, then WHY was he in a bar drinking? That's called a relapse Brad and NOT doing good at all.

sigh

kiki5711

I doubt the other patients are worrying what his mindset is. They've got their own stuff to deal with.

I was being pressured to stay longer in rehab too. I told my doctor my insurance won't cover any extended stay and we don't have the money. He tried to tell me we should borrow money or file for bankruptcy because my sobriety comes first.

I almost hit the ceiling with anger when he said that. I told them very clearly that I'm not going to stay past the one week that's covered by insurance. They try to make me stay. I got so angry that the whole week of my progress almost got all squashed because I got so upset with this. I felt imprisoned and held hostage for money. I didn't feel like they cared about me or my family, only that they make more money off me.

I promised that if I ever needed help again, I would NEVEr come back to this place. I was steaming with anger. How dare they tell me how to spend my money and how to take care of my family.

I called my husband and told him I feel like a criminal held hostage and they wont give me my release. He came and picked me up. I made such a stink they were glad to see me go.

I feel it was very unprofessional to "force" me to stay.