Newbie-my husband is an opiate addict
LOVE will conquer all
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 18
I sincerely want to thank HelloKitty, wife2anaddict, newnormal4me and atalose.
This is the "POSITIVE SUPPORT" i was anticipating. Your welcome words and advice from BTDT (been there done that) has truly given me the strength I think I'm looking for.
I plan to stick around and I hope I can be an avid poster in time. My ultimate goal is for my family to be what it was and for my AH to find happiness elsewhere again instead of those effin pills & pops.
AND if I can help anyone in this battle...
This is the "POSITIVE SUPPORT" i was anticipating. Your welcome words and advice from BTDT (been there done that) has truly given me the strength I think I'm looking for.
I plan to stick around and I hope I can be an avid poster in time. My ultimate goal is for my family to be what it was and for my AH to find happiness elsewhere again instead of those effin pills & pops.
AND if I can help anyone in this battle...
LOVE will conquer all
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 18
It's funny when I sit here and think about it. How can one person withdraw that many times?!?!? He has honestly gone through withdrawals 35 times. And every time (like now) that he's down and out he looks at me and says "omg I'm such an idiot!" okay then stop being an idiot.
For my AH it's once he starts feeling okay not so sick. Once the upset stomach, diarrhea, aches, pains, sleeplessness, hot & cold flu-like symptoms go away that's when he wants to use... And that's when my job gets tougher.
I do want everyone to know that if he chooses to relapse this time around I have prepared myself to leave. I guess I need to say this out loud or see it written on the screen for my own mind.
For my AH it's once he starts feeling okay not so sick. Once the upset stomach, diarrhea, aches, pains, sleeplessness, hot & cold flu-like symptoms go away that's when he wants to use... And that's when my job gets tougher.
I do want everyone to know that if he chooses to relapse this time around I have prepared myself to leave. I guess I need to say this out loud or see it written on the screen for my own mind.
LOVE will conquer all
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 18
I am not sure if you meant that in a negative demeaning way?
I am educated. I have graduated from a 4-year well known University located in NY. I worked for an appraisal firm for a few years appraising commercial real estate. I met my husband at a networking event he swept me off my feet asked me to give up my career and get married start a family. My life was amazing.... Then he became hooked on pills and it started turning for the worse. That's why I have so much faith it will get better because I can remember the "good" times vividly as if they were yesterday...
I am educated. I have graduated from a 4-year well known University located in NY. I worked for an appraisal firm for a few years appraising commercial real estate. I met my husband at a networking event he swept me off my feet asked me to give up my career and get married start a family. My life was amazing.... Then he became hooked on pills and it started turning for the worse. That's why I have so much faith it will get better because I can remember the "good" times vividly as if they were yesterday...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CT
Posts: 20
I can relate to your situation. Addiction is a slippery slope. My husband, a 'functional addict' was hiding a growing addition to pain pills when we met. He was holding a great job, owned property and seemed to have it all together. I knew he 'dabbled' but didn't know the extent of his use and subsequent addiction until after we were married & had our 1st child. Things went from tolerable to horrible quickly. He makes good money, but he leaked away our savings. He too was a doting father, but when faced with demands and pressures, folded. Luckily my son was too young to see his dad hit rock bottom on the pills.
4 years ago he got help and has kicked the pills. BUT substituted with alcohol. Now with 3 kids and my oldest 'getting' what is happening with his father -I have my escape plan. He is currently in recovery and since admitting he's an alcoholic has been clean for 2 months.
My BTDT advice to you is to know your limitations and stick to them. I vowed that I would leave as soon as it started to affect my children (or they were in school full-time so I could more easily go back to work to support them.) If his recovery doesn't continue to move forward, I am leaving.
Just keep in mind that addiction is progressive and that things very well may get worse. Also that your child will one day have the insight as to what is going on. I am so afraid of my children seeing their dad and thinking that this is acceptable behavior and one day following in his footsteps. To me that is enough for me to say enough is enough - but we all have our own limits.
HUGS to you.
4 years ago he got help and has kicked the pills. BUT substituted with alcohol. Now with 3 kids and my oldest 'getting' what is happening with his father -I have my escape plan. He is currently in recovery and since admitting he's an alcoholic has been clean for 2 months.
My BTDT advice to you is to know your limitations and stick to them. I vowed that I would leave as soon as it started to affect my children (or they were in school full-time so I could more easily go back to work to support them.) If his recovery doesn't continue to move forward, I am leaving.
Just keep in mind that addiction is progressive and that things very well may get worse. Also that your child will one day have the insight as to what is going on. I am so afraid of my children seeing their dad and thinking that this is acceptable behavior and one day following in his footsteps. To me that is enough for me to say enough is enough - but we all have our own limits.
HUGS to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Neglected wife....
Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. This is fairly new to me too.
I have been here since Dec. But what a rollercoaster the last 5 months have been. But so had the last 6 yrs.
My ah of 20+ yrs had been addicted to opiates for the last 6 yrs. I did not know. I did know that for at least the last 4 yrs our once loving marriage was no longer. I knew that someone had him & it wasn't me.
Long story short, I had decided to leave at the beginning of the new year. I could not continue trying to make any sense of our lives.
He confessed in Dec., after going through withdrawals for what I found out was far from the first time. He admitted everything & that he could not do it alone. He went to rehab.
Our lives are going in a positive direction. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't work, for both of us, everyday. But I am staying as long as I feel safe & he is committed to recovery. My ah is healing mentally & physically. I try to be supportive, but realize this is his battle.
Wishing you much hope.
Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. This is fairly new to me too.
I have been here since Dec. But what a rollercoaster the last 5 months have been. But so had the last 6 yrs.
My ah of 20+ yrs had been addicted to opiates for the last 6 yrs. I did not know. I did know that for at least the last 4 yrs our once loving marriage was no longer. I knew that someone had him & it wasn't me.
Long story short, I had decided to leave at the beginning of the new year. I could not continue trying to make any sense of our lives.
He confessed in Dec., after going through withdrawals for what I found out was far from the first time. He admitted everything & that he could not do it alone. He went to rehab.
Our lives are going in a positive direction. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't work, for both of us, everyday. But I am staying as long as I feel safe & he is committed to recovery. My ah is healing mentally & physically. I try to be supportive, but realize this is his battle.
Wishing you much hope.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The one thing I have learned here at SR and witnessing real life is that once they are detoxed from the pills/alcohol then it comes down to living life on life’s terms. Facing life head on, coping with the normal stressors, work, family, bills without wanting to retreat back into pills/booze. This is where some kind of recovery program needs to be in place. Because thus far his best decision has been to take drugs again and again and again. What’s his plan this go around? What’s he going to do that is different than the 35 other times?
Addicts will always be one bad decision away from using, that’s a fact. Chances of them using again when their recovery is left up to themselves alone without some kind of outside interventions is pretty great. After all their best thinking has been to take drugs, so you have to ask yourself where is his new thinking going to come from if he doesn’t have something other than himself?
Addicts will always be one bad decision away from using, that’s a fact. Chances of them using again when their recovery is left up to themselves alone without some kind of outside interventions is pretty great. After all their best thinking has been to take drugs, so you have to ask yourself where is his new thinking going to come from if he doesn’t have something other than himself?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Up and onwards... :)
Posts: 274
When I read about the stories of people having addicted loved ones while taking care of children full time, my heart breaks for the clean spouse... what a trial you are going through NWife! Being new to this forum I welcome you and hope that you keep coming back.
It's hard to make choices "I'm going to leave" and NO ONE should be judging you on how and when you should be making that choice. Only you know the real situation and only you know deep down when enough is enough.
Just know that people do care in their own way. Sometimes, it comes off condenscending and "I know everything" but really they don't... cause why would they keep coming back here if they did?
Give them and yourself extreme Grace during this very stressful time.
I pray that your husband is 4 days on his way to a clean life forever and that his stinky attitude gets cleaned up. I did read through most of the posts here but I can't recall if you've suggested a longer term rehab for him? He may balk at the idea, but IF he slips up again, you may put that on the table as an option instead of you leaving.
Big hugs to you.
It's hard to make choices "I'm going to leave" and NO ONE should be judging you on how and when you should be making that choice. Only you know the real situation and only you know deep down when enough is enough.
Just know that people do care in their own way. Sometimes, it comes off condenscending and "I know everything" but really they don't... cause why would they keep coming back here if they did?
Give them and yourself extreme Grace during this very stressful time.I pray that your husband is 4 days on his way to a clean life forever and that his stinky attitude gets cleaned up. I did read through most of the posts here but I can't recall if you've suggested a longer term rehab for him? He may balk at the idea, but IF he slips up again, you may put that on the table as an option instead of you leaving.
Big hugs to you.
LOVE will conquer all
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 18
*** update ***
*** UPDATE ***
Almost 8 months ago I joined this site and posted on this forum looking for positive and helpful advice. My husband was at a low and finally said he was ready to quit and having stood by his side through a 4 year battle with Oxycodone pills & Morphine lollipops I was reluctant to believe him. I did receive some encouraging and kind words but quite a few people on this site were a bit harsh with their advice. Not sure if that is what I needed to hear especially since addiction is a harsh topic. I choose to stay one last time by my husband's side and I am overjoyed to tell you all that he has been 100% CLEAN & SOBER since April 2011. This was a long time coming. He struggled for years with his addiction. He has made a complete change in all aspects of his life. He is healthier and has he lost over 60 pounds. He cut out all the toxic people in his life. Our relationship has changed in so many ways. He is like a different person the OLD person I fell in love with 8 years ago.
I just want to say that there is HOPE for our loved ones fighting addiction. They of course have to want it even more than we want them to be clean & sober. I am so glad I choose to stand by my husband and help him through this. 8 months later he still thanks me every morning that I stayed with him and helped him through.
I know my story may not be anything like yours but if we don't believe in our loved ones recovery who will? I only posted a handful of times but I lurked on this site awhile and gained a ton of knowledge on addiction which helped me tremendously. I hope your story can end just like mine. God Bless <3
Almost 8 months ago I joined this site and posted on this forum looking for positive and helpful advice. My husband was at a low and finally said he was ready to quit and having stood by his side through a 4 year battle with Oxycodone pills & Morphine lollipops I was reluctant to believe him. I did receive some encouraging and kind words but quite a few people on this site were a bit harsh with their advice. Not sure if that is what I needed to hear especially since addiction is a harsh topic. I choose to stay one last time by my husband's side and I am overjoyed to tell you all that he has been 100% CLEAN & SOBER since April 2011. This was a long time coming. He struggled for years with his addiction. He has made a complete change in all aspects of his life. He is healthier and has he lost over 60 pounds. He cut out all the toxic people in his life. Our relationship has changed in so many ways. He is like a different person the OLD person I fell in love with 8 years ago.
I just want to say that there is HOPE for our loved ones fighting addiction. They of course have to want it even more than we want them to be clean & sober. I am so glad I choose to stand by my husband and help him through this. 8 months later he still thanks me every morning that I stayed with him and helped him through.
I know my story may not be anything like yours but if we don't believe in our loved ones recovery who will? I only posted a handful of times but I lurked on this site awhile and gained a ton of knowledge on addiction which helped me tremendously. I hope your story can end just like mine. God Bless <3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
neglectedwife Welcome to SoberRecovery. I'm Hanna - sister with one recovering addicted brother and one that I'm pretty sure isn't recovering. I can relate to the "fun" bit and even how a pill-popper could be a good Dad most of the time. My father would call and say "Your brother seems like he is doing really well!" and that's when I would know he was using. When he wasn't using, he was dealing with major depression and he was very very difficult to be around. When he was on drugs - in the beginning - most of the time he seemed better than when he wasn't.
The pill-popping might not seem so very terrible compared to the underlying problems that rear their heads when our loved ones are sober. The problem is, the beast demands more. As the effects of the lower dosages wear off, they take more in an effort to get back to that initial feeling of euphoria they felt the first time. That need for "more" takes over every aspect of their lives - nothing can get in the way of getting "more". It seems like your husband hasn't gotten to that point yet, but without help it is almost a guarantee that he will. Nothing ever stunned me so much as the Christmas morning I walked in to see my wonderful big brother sticking a needle in his arm - right in our Father's kitchen. I never would have believed he'd allow himself to get to that point but what I know now is that he didn't - he had lost all control.
I am glad you are making a contingency plan, and grateful your husband is on a path to getting help before things got any worse.
About Al-Anon - you can go and not share. You can go to an open meeting and not even acknowledge that you are there as anything but a guest. People have no clue what others are there for - trust me. I've never looked at another person in a meeting and thought I knew what brought them there, or even had a clue if they'd ever MET an alcoholic. Listening helps and you'll see that although people listen, they aren't looking at you and hearing your story as a source of entertainment at all.
The pill-popping might not seem so very terrible compared to the underlying problems that rear their heads when our loved ones are sober. The problem is, the beast demands more. As the effects of the lower dosages wear off, they take more in an effort to get back to that initial feeling of euphoria they felt the first time. That need for "more" takes over every aspect of their lives - nothing can get in the way of getting "more". It seems like your husband hasn't gotten to that point yet, but without help it is almost a guarantee that he will. Nothing ever stunned me so much as the Christmas morning I walked in to see my wonderful big brother sticking a needle in his arm - right in our Father's kitchen. I never would have believed he'd allow himself to get to that point but what I know now is that he didn't - he had lost all control.
I am glad you are making a contingency plan, and grateful your husband is on a path to getting help before things got any worse.
About Al-Anon - you can go and not share. You can go to an open meeting and not even acknowledge that you are there as anything but a guest. People have no clue what others are there for - trust me. I've never looked at another person in a meeting and thought I knew what brought them there, or even had a clue if they'd ever MET an alcoholic. Listening helps and you'll see that although people listen, they aren't looking at you and hearing your story as a source of entertainment at all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by NeglectedWife 
*** UPDATE *** I hope your story can end just like mine. God Bless <3
I agree, the responses to your plight were very harsh.
I love hearing success stories. I wish you a happy and healthy, sober relationship for a long time to come.
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