has he been right this whole time?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: knoxville tn
Posts: 6
has he been right this whole time?
my boyfriend of 8 years has had a pill prob for the past 3 years! now we have alomost lost eveything we have because of his spending on his habit! he finally comes to the terms he needs rehab, and was trying to lower his amount own his own, at home with me getting him anything he needed besides pills,..so he finally checks in to in patience rehab today, and the whole time he has been going through this, he has been trying to tell me what it is like for him, what these pills was doing to him, why he couldnt just stop taking them, like i thought he could! as i read more and more post about other peoples experience with addicts, its like there living our life, has he been right the whole time? and i keep reading that "i" need "recovery" too! and at first it didnt make any sence to me, why would i need recovery, maybe a day at the spa for dealing with his BS all the time, but "recovery" im not the addict he is! and im starting to see, that this is bigger, alot bigger then i thought it was! i was thinking and hopeing he would go into rehab and come out my old lovable guy i met when i was 16 all over again,..and the more i read, starting to think there is a big possibility they he is not going to be,..well he wont be the same person! he has also told me he wants me to just go, because he knows i could and would do better without him,. he keeps dragging us(me and our daughter) down! still trying to wrap my head around this, because when he said it was a disease, i thought he was full of sh*t--because OUR daughter has a disease, something that is and will kill her, thats a disease- to me and when he told me that, i just get so mad because our baby didnt choose to have her disease but yet he choose to get his,..maybe not in the the same since that what he was going after but i figuar if you know you cant go two days with out it,..something is going on!! So was he right the whole time?? the more i read about everyone experiance and how close it is to mine, do i need to say sorry for not taking it so seriuos? do i really need recovery from all the hurt, pain, confusion, loss, the everything that i just delt with because i want to help him, i thought the more i help him the closer we would be together,..the more i read the conclusion is there is a huge chance that he still wont be back to "normal" when he gets out and that scares me because i already have enough on my plate with our daughter and he should and needs to get clean for her, her dr says at 4 years old these are the best years of her life, why dose he want to spend them blowed away,..its not fair to me or her,..i just want him better, i have seen alot of people say "they hope" they hoped for so long, that nothing ever happen,..they went clean then went back or they never went clean,..i cant imagne my life without him, i know i could do better, but i want to help him and every way shape or form,...thats why i let him hit rock bottem, i stop being his place to just lay out all day,..so he has to get better right? for our daughters sake!! and his too! i hope he proves me wrong,..i know i should tell him im so so sorry for not taking this serious but when shoud i do it, next phone call or what,..i feel bad because he was trying to tell me and i didnt listen,...
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First I will say WELCOME to SR. There is a lot of great information here and a lot of really great folks who have been where you are or are where you are and they will share their experience, strength and hope (ES&H) with you freely (myself included).
I notice you keep saying over and over you want to 'help' him. Well sweetie you CAN NOT help him. The only one who can 'help' him is himself.
Yes, addiction is a disease, a disease that:
You didn't CAUSE.
You can't CONTROL.
You can't CURE.
The above by the way is one of the first things you will learn at AlAnon. Please give that a try, at least 6 meetings, to find one or two that you might feel just a teeny bit comfortable in.
Yes, we need help also. Without realizing it, over the years we become as 'crazy' and with just as much 'off the wall' thinking as our A's just from having to deal with the A on a daily basis.
Look at this time away as a chance to work on you, to figure out your boundaries, (apparently one of your did kick in as you did kick him out! way to go).
Something else to start thinking about, is if he stays the full time in rehab and is 'working' on his 'recovery' I and others too will probably suggest that he go to a Sober Living Residence rather than returning to your home.
OH NO you say, he will have already been gone 90 days. Yes, that is true, but those 90 days have been him learning tools to live sober, now in a Sober Living House, he will learn how to USE those tools, will still have 'rules and regulations' to follow, just like life, from people he is not 'emotionally' attached to and cannot 'manipulate.' As he follows the rules, and continue to grow and change he will earn privileges. Later curfew. Away all day on a Saturday. Then maybe an 'overnight' here and there, etc
And the whole time, he is continuing to learn how to 'live' sober. How to interact with others sober. How to do his share of the chores, sober. How to follow rules.
You get the idea.
I am sorry about your little girl, and right now she needs her mom more than ever. So this is the time for 'mom' to focus on mom to be the best 'mom' she can be. Don't worry about what you will say to him on the phone, heck some re-habs don't even let them have phone calls from home for a few weeks.
SR is for YOU. AlAnon is for YOU. We are here for YOU. This is about YOU now, not him. There are no guarantees that he will stay clean and sober. There were and are no guarantees that I will stay sober and clean, however, with a lot of ongoing hard work, I will celebrate 30 years in June.
As Amy said in your other thread, some do, some don't. Plan your life now, working on you, the way you would like your life to be, then if he gets clean and sober and joins you great, if he cannot stay away from his drugs, you still have a goal for you and your child.
Remember we are here for you, and although we may not be there physically we are with you in spirit.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
I notice you keep saying over and over you want to 'help' him. Well sweetie you CAN NOT help him. The only one who can 'help' him is himself.
Yes, addiction is a disease, a disease that:
You didn't CAUSE.
You can't CONTROL.
You can't CURE.
The above by the way is one of the first things you will learn at AlAnon. Please give that a try, at least 6 meetings, to find one or two that you might feel just a teeny bit comfortable in.
Yes, we need help also. Without realizing it, over the years we become as 'crazy' and with just as much 'off the wall' thinking as our A's just from having to deal with the A on a daily basis.
Look at this time away as a chance to work on you, to figure out your boundaries, (apparently one of your did kick in as you did kick him out! way to go).
Something else to start thinking about, is if he stays the full time in rehab and is 'working' on his 'recovery' I and others too will probably suggest that he go to a Sober Living Residence rather than returning to your home.
OH NO you say, he will have already been gone 90 days. Yes, that is true, but those 90 days have been him learning tools to live sober, now in a Sober Living House, he will learn how to USE those tools, will still have 'rules and regulations' to follow, just like life, from people he is not 'emotionally' attached to and cannot 'manipulate.' As he follows the rules, and continue to grow and change he will earn privileges. Later curfew. Away all day on a Saturday. Then maybe an 'overnight' here and there, etc
And the whole time, he is continuing to learn how to 'live' sober. How to interact with others sober. How to do his share of the chores, sober. How to follow rules.
You get the idea.
I am sorry about your little girl, and right now she needs her mom more than ever. So this is the time for 'mom' to focus on mom to be the best 'mom' she can be. Don't worry about what you will say to him on the phone, heck some re-habs don't even let them have phone calls from home for a few weeks.
SR is for YOU. AlAnon is for YOU. We are here for YOU. This is about YOU now, not him. There are no guarantees that he will stay clean and sober. There were and are no guarantees that I will stay sober and clean, however, with a lot of ongoing hard work, I will celebrate 30 years in June.
As Amy said in your other thread, some do, some don't. Plan your life now, working on you, the way you would like your life to be, then if he gets clean and sober and joins you great, if he cannot stay away from his drugs, you still have a goal for you and your child.
Remember we are here for you, and although we may not be there physically we are with you in spirit.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 18
I have to learn that I can't help AB recover - but I know that I can support him in his recovery.
I can support him by not providing the financial means to get high. I can support him by not covering for him - or making excuses for him. I can support him by not giving him the attention he so craves when he is using.
And because I choose to stay with him - I can support him by expressing my love and concern for him.
I can support him by not providing the financial means to get high. I can support him by not covering for him - or making excuses for him. I can support him by not giving him the attention he so craves when he is using.
And because I choose to stay with him - I can support him by expressing my love and concern for him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Misconceptions about alcoholism and addiction are common. Most people don't realize that is recognized by the medical field as a disease. And no one actually chooses to get a disease. So an addict does deserve our compassion but this is a disease that reacts poorly to coddling. Our recovery helps us understand how best to deal with the disease and it's affects on US.
I'm sure that your daughter's disease affects you and it might be normal for a parent with your daughter's disease to seek out other parents for support who have children with the same disease. That holds true for us as people who are dealing with addicted loved ones. We need support too.
The disease of addiction is very insidious. Most people believe that the addict can just "snap out of it". And we often try to "help them" or "make the understand how off kilter their thinking is". It doesn't work....
This isn't a bad idea!
Part of our "recovery" is not losing ourselves in the disease of another. With a small daughter with a disease and an addicted husband, you have a double whammy. All the more reason to make sure that you don't lose yourself.
Taking care of you is the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and your sweet daughter.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm sure that your daughter's disease affects you and it might be normal for a parent with your daughter's disease to seek out other parents for support who have children with the same disease. That holds true for us as people who are dealing with addicted loved ones. We need support too.
The disease of addiction is very insidious. Most people believe that the addict can just "snap out of it". And we often try to "help them" or "make the understand how off kilter their thinking is". It doesn't work....
why would i need recovery, maybe a day at the spa for dealing with his BS all the time
Part of our "recovery" is not losing ourselves in the disease of another. With a small daughter with a disease and an addicted husband, you have a double whammy. All the more reason to make sure that you don't lose yourself.
Taking care of you is the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and your sweet daughter.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Yes, addiction is a disease..no, it is not the same as what your daughter has.
Repeated behaviors get you to to addiction..there are many turnoffs on that road.Addiction has a treatment that many afflicted choose not to take.Your husband is an adult and can decide whether or not he wants to live the rest of his llife in active addiction or in recovery.Your daughter does not have this choice.
It appears he is taking care of business at this point.Let him.Go to alanon for yourself and so your daughter can have a healthy mom.All the energy you are spending worrying about him would be better spent healing yourself and spending time with your daughter who is minus one parent at this point.
Repeated behaviors get you to to addiction..there are many turnoffs on that road.Addiction has a treatment that many afflicted choose not to take.Your husband is an adult and can decide whether or not he wants to live the rest of his llife in active addiction or in recovery.Your daughter does not have this choice.
It appears he is taking care of business at this point.Let him.Go to alanon for yourself and so your daughter can have a healthy mom.All the energy you are spending worrying about him would be better spent healing yourself and spending time with your daughter who is minus one parent at this point.
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