Brittany86

Hi My name Is Brittany and today, My long time boyfriend Jon of 8 years, checked into inpatient rehab for 90 days from a NA from the past 4 years! im very proud of him for making the decision, but with my help, but overly he made the decision to go! we tried so hard for the past month to do "it" at home but i dont think it helped any, maybe lowerd hes amount but he was so so sick! i hated for him to hit rock bottom but it was, what i thought, needed to be done, he needed help and i couldnt give him that help he desperately needed! im still trying to get all my emotions together on what is to except for the next 3 or so months ahead,..i have tried to read about, when i talk to him on the phone, how to act and what happens when they come home from rehab, and what i thought and what i read was totally different then what i had in mind! we have a 4 year old little girl, who has a terminal illness, im trying to be there for both of them,plus me and im just having a hard time dealing with two totally different emotions at the same time,...i, myself have never used or anything, so with saying that, yes i have been around it, but has never used it,..so yeah i dont know what he is going through, i just know what the addiction has done to him, changed him, completely into monster,..i just hope this rehab works for him, i want my old guy back,..like i said what i read and what i had in mind was different-i thought as soon when he gets done, he would be "ok"-i didnt think about regrouping to get in the world again,..so any advice on everything i guess on how to help him go through this, showing him im here, and im not going anywhere, whats to except when he is there,..this will be the longest time we have spent away from each other in our whole relationship,....i have gone this far with him, i not planning on giving up yet,...i have poeple tell me, to just be "done" with it, i will find someone better,..but i cant see myself being with anyone but him, i dont want to find better because i got him! Please Advice is a must for me!! thanks thanks thanks!!

eaglette

Hey Britt--

My boyfriend just got out of rehab too. I was also freaking out, and that's how I found this site. The people here told me to focus on ME, and that was the best advice I could ever have gotten. You need to do you and create some emotional boundaries. You are not him, and this is not your addiction. Also, he doesn't need you to overcome this, and you both need to know it. It was awful hearing these things for the first time, but I swallowed my pride and examined my own behaviors...and in 16 days I have grown more than I ever would have dreamed. Also, my boyfriend and I have begun to talk more openly and honestly, and have begun to grow together naturally through growing as individuals. It's great having him focus on him and me focus on me. Once I detached myself and stopped trying to control everything, I realized that there is more to it than I can see and surrendered myself to the experience of my own recovery and my own journey in life. If your boyfriend is going to be in rehab for the next 90 days, this gives you an awesome opportunity to examine your own life and what you really want for yourself, your relationship, and your daughter--but you have to put yourself first because you are recovering too.

Welcome to the forum!

Brittany86

thanks so much,..just wondering,..when is it ok to start talking about all whats going on,..like i dont want our first convertation on the phone to be about just him, whats the place like and so on,..to me that seems pushy, i dont want to push him away or anything, just trying to figuare out the boundaries where i dont want to care too much but then i dont want to not care eough,..if that makes any since

Impurrfect

(((Brittany))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.

I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a recovering codie (codependent - have/had loved ones who are A's - addicts/alcoholics).

First of all, rehab is definitely not a cure. We are A's for the rest of our lives. Rehab teaches an A the tools to use, to stay in recovery, but it's up to him whether he will use them.

Secondly, recovery takes time. Most of us spent years in active addiction, and it takes time to learn how to live life without the dope. In all honesty, getting off the dope is the easy part..it's learning to live life, with all the ups and downs, and not pick up again, that's the hard part.

Recovery is possible, though. I have over 4 years clean from crack, and I had a really low bottom.

I don't really know how to answer your question about what to say....he's going to be going through all the emotions that he's numbed out, for a long time, and it's like being on a roller coaster.

What helped me, when I first got here, was to read, and read...and read some more. I read about how other people had dealt with the A's in their life. You'd think I'd know, since I AM an A (though in recovery) but it's totally different when you're on the other side of the fence.

Many people got to nar-anon or al-anon meetings...those are for people who love A's. It's really important to know that it's okay to have whatever feelings you have, to have support from people who "get it". Some people think you have to be careful what you say to a newly recovering A...that if you say the wrong thing, it will lead them to relapse.

We have what we call the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't change it. I can tell you, as an RA, that NOTHING anyone says or does to me is going to make me go back out and use, unless I want to. I came back from a relapse, found a job, started working on paying back an enormous amount of debt, and dealt with the anger of my family. That's life...we have to deal with consequences, and TBH, it was the consequences that got me into recovery in the first place.

I would focus on your daughter and think about what YOU want from your life..is it realistic? Are you prepared to know that he can relapse, no matter how much time he has in recovery, if he quits working his recovery? There are people, here, who have decades of recovery, others who have years and years and go back out. It's just a part of loving an A.

We, as loved ones of A's have our own recovery to work. I didn't have a clue about this, until I came here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

eaglette

Yeah--Britt, I went through all of this a little over a week ago. I'd say that, as far as what you should say to him, just go with what comes naturally to you....Try to stay positive for the time being. If you are both committed to reestablishing your relationship, chances are that he'll probably want to talk to you about what he is going through to some degree. I'd say let him do whatever he needs to do while he's in there. Don't even focus on what you are or aren't going to say to him. Just say what feels right, but shift your focus from things like that to YOUR healing and what you need to do to care about you. The rest will fall into place.

eaglette

Side note: I say 'just shift your focus' like it's easy, but in reality I just did it myself. It is definitely confusing at first, but the physical distance will make it easier if you allow it to happen. Detachment is difficult at first because there is the fear that it will create permanent separation. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But clinging and resisting change is an almost definite path to permanent separation and damage or stagnance on a spiritual level.

Brittany86

well right now, until he gets out he is 8 hrs away from us! we had a big fall out monday afternoon with cops and the whole thing,..i knew what i had to do, to make him better, i wasnt helping him by leating him stay on the couch all day then when he got to the piont where he was going to be sick he would take off and come back lay on the couch some more,..i know he is mad at me, but i see it as im was doing something to help him, i didnt want him to do this anylonger and he needed help i could do, he wants to get help, he would cry and cry becuase he wanted off them soo badly,..so now he is in a placeto get help, i just hope he stick it out and stays with it...i hope oneday he see that, i did it out of love and not that i didnt want to be with him anymore! and i see "i need to focus on me" so much through so many post! and its like im just hanging out til he gets out,..never really thought of doing anything with or for me! its like why i didnt do anything wrong but get punished for what he has done,...and with being apart ,yesterday was a nightmare today i had my moments were i was thinkning did i do the right thing kicking him out, i miss him, i miss him being here but..not the guy i have been living with for the past 3 years but the guy i fell in love with, and i dont want to give up until i have no other choice but too i told him if he goes back, im done,..deep down i know i have too, but im surely dont want to leave him,..hes my everything, we have been through so much i mean so so much and i just think well we can get through this and we will be fine,... i hope,..

hello-kitty

Hi and welcome. For me it was very hard to accept that no matter what I did, I was not charge of my (now)X's recovery from his drug addiction. I was not more powerful than drugs. I was not more desireable than crack. I was not more beautiful than being high. And neither was our son. My ex had to want to get better. I couldn't force him to hit bottom. I had to let him go so I could focus on me and my child. That didn't mean walk away and dump him, although eventually I realize that was my only option if I wanted to be true to myself.

Have you heard of the 3 c's? You may want to memorize them:

You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.

The only thing that you control is yourself, how you react to others and the kind of behavior you allow around your child and yourself.

I like to repeat a special version of the serenity prayer to myself. It helps remember just who I am in relationship to others around me:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

There are great resources out there that will help you focus on being the best strongest person you can be as you find a way for YOU and YOUR CHILD to be fine, no matter what your ABFs choices are. Have you heard of Al-anon? It's a great resource for friends and family members of addicts. There's also some great books out there that you may want to check out from your local library or get at the book store:

Codependent No More
Getting Them Sober

There's also a great website out there that teaches about setting boundaries:

joy2meu

Lots of great resources. Good luck to you!