Some thoughts on enabling...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Some thoughts on enabling...
I just wanted to share some things that others have shared with me that truly changed my life...
Do NOT feed this disease..in any way..not with the obvious..like money, but also a soft bed at night,food,laundry service,transportation...EVERYTHING you give goes towards drugs or provides them with something they can trade, or provides them with something they now don't have to provide for themselves thereby freeing up other money/energy that they will use towards their addiction
PAIN causes CHANGE..when you soften the blow, pad the bottom,the addict has no reason to change..feeling EVERY horrible consequnce of their addiction is what makes people want to get better..PAIN made me go to alanon and do whatever the hell they told me to do (quite unlike rebellious know-it-all, my way, me!)I had to have my ego torn to shreds to be ready to SURRENDER and recieve the help I needed..newly recovering alcoholic David Arqutte described himself as a building that had to implode and be completly destroyed before he could rebuild..
Take your eyes off the addict...wow..that was hard for me, but addiction =chaos and when you stop focusing all your energy on the sick person, refocus on yourself, other family members,friends,your LIFE in general, it really is a game changer...the addiction thrives on your energy and who wants to fuel that?
watch your thoughts...yes, our beloved children,spouses,parents can die from this disease.Obsessing on that kills YOU.I really believe once I started changing my thoughts/attitude towards my daughter when she was using from a fear based "You're gonna die!" to a calm "There is recovery and I see miracles every day" vibe..that she could no longer use my fear/negativity anymore and it created a hope that had not been present.
People on here taught me this one...we are not their only or best option.Dr's don't treat their family members and most of us ain't Dr.'s anyway so why do WE feel qualified to treat addiction?..your home is not a rehab and you're not Dr.Drew so quit trying to treat this very complex medical/mental health/spiritual issue.Addicts need other addicts to heal...they need proper medical treatment, and in my opinion a spiritual 12 step program..we are not it..consider yourself fired as they say on Intervention:rotfxko
Being loving is being the SANE one..buying in to the bullshi%& lies,excuses,justifications isn't loving it's becoming part of the disease.Being clearheaded and sane is what the addict needs, not another enabler. How does ME getting sick help..(and holy crap was I sick!)
and now my new one..eyes on your own recovery..not my place to be her sponsor, make sure she goes to meetings,stays healthy
Just some things that changed my thoughts and my life..take what you like and leave the rest friends!
Do NOT feed this disease..in any way..not with the obvious..like money, but also a soft bed at night,food,laundry service,transportation...EVERYTHING you give goes towards drugs or provides them with something they can trade, or provides them with something they now don't have to provide for themselves thereby freeing up other money/energy that they will use towards their addiction
PAIN causes CHANGE..when you soften the blow, pad the bottom,the addict has no reason to change..feeling EVERY horrible consequnce of their addiction is what makes people want to get better..PAIN made me go to alanon and do whatever the hell they told me to do (quite unlike rebellious know-it-all, my way, me!)I had to have my ego torn to shreds to be ready to SURRENDER and recieve the help I needed..newly recovering alcoholic David Arqutte described himself as a building that had to implode and be completly destroyed before he could rebuild..
Take your eyes off the addict...wow..that was hard for me, but addiction =chaos and when you stop focusing all your energy on the sick person, refocus on yourself, other family members,friends,your LIFE in general, it really is a game changer...the addiction thrives on your energy and who wants to fuel that?
watch your thoughts...yes, our beloved children,spouses,parents can die from this disease.Obsessing on that kills YOU.I really believe once I started changing my thoughts/attitude towards my daughter when she was using from a fear based "You're gonna die!" to a calm "There is recovery and I see miracles every day" vibe..that she could no longer use my fear/negativity anymore and it created a hope that had not been present.
People on here taught me this one...we are not their only or best option.Dr's don't treat their family members and most of us ain't Dr.'s anyway so why do WE feel qualified to treat addiction?..your home is not a rehab and you're not Dr.Drew so quit trying to treat this very complex medical/mental health/spiritual issue.Addicts need other addicts to heal...they need proper medical treatment, and in my opinion a spiritual 12 step program..we are not it..consider yourself fired as they say on Intervention:rotfxko
Being loving is being the SANE one..buying in to the bullshi%& lies,excuses,justifications isn't loving it's becoming part of the disease.Being clearheaded and sane is what the addict needs, not another enabler. How does ME getting sick help..(and holy crap was I sick!)
and now my new one..eyes on your own recovery..not my place to be her sponsor, make sure she goes to meetings,stays healthy
Just some things that changed my thoughts and my life..take what you like and leave the rest friends!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Oh indeed..loving detachment is a hard concept..letting them go out to fall on their face is difficult, BUT the best, healthiest thing you can do..don't stand in the way of their recovery.
Boundaries..someone on here always says..they are for YOU, not others.It's the behaviors/situations that YOU will not tolerate .they are not there to control another persons behavior.
Please everyone add your sayings/slogans/lessons on enabling!
Boundaries..someone on here always says..they are for YOU, not others.It's the behaviors/situations that YOU will not tolerate .they are not there to control another persons behavior.
Please everyone add your sayings/slogans/lessons on enabling!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 5
This is good stuff. Thanks for the reminder. I needed this today.
Awhile back someone commented about a fourth C. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure, and I can't Contribute to it. Easier said than done, but so true.
Awhile back someone commented about a fourth C. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure, and I can't Contribute to it. Easier said than done, but so true.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
* Repeatedly bailing them out - of jail, financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
* Giving them "one more chance" - ...then another...and another
* Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
* Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, gambling, etc.,
* Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
* Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself with alcohol because I'm depressed".
* Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
* Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
* Softening or removing the natural consequences of the
problem behavior
* Trying to "fix" them or their problem
* Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"
* Trying to control them or their problem
* Giving them "one more chance" - ...then another...and another
* Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
* Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, gambling, etc.,
* Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
* Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself with alcohol because I'm depressed".
* Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
* Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
* Softening or removing the natural consequences of the
problem behavior
* Trying to "fix" them or their problem
* Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"
* Trying to control them or their problem
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