pacificsunrise

good afternoon, everyone.

i thought that maybe if i write every day or two about what's going on, it will help me sort things out better in the long run b/c then i can come back an re-read stuff as i need to.

thank you guys in advance for putting up w/ my personal log and for responding.

talked to AH last night. now i'm not supportive of him and i have abandoned our marriage. we got married for better or worse and i am not there for him. he never abandoned me or moved out. he wants to know do i want this marriage or not.
all i said was, i don't want any lies or drugs any more.
woke up this morning to several texts, saying that we're over since i chose to leave and it's time to move on.

thank you guys for letting me post and vent. hope everyone is having a good day.

hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

well after all those "we're over" texts, he send one saying he was working on the roof on the house. why would that be important to me, if we're through. his thinking is just beyond me.

hugs and prayers.

Kindeyes

He's just trying to push your buttons.....it's what they do.

You just keep taking care of you!

gentle hugs
ke

pacificsunrise

thank you Kindeyes for taking the time to keep up w/ my daily non-sense.

this is actually proving to be rather beneficial, i mean to have everyone's input on my daily dilemmas.

what he actually meant was that he was getting the roof done by someone. i guess he was just casually informing me, as if i should not have any input in such a big investment. also, unless he cashed in his retirement, i'm not sure how is he coming up w/ this kind of $.

what is really bothering me is that he hasn't even bothered to pay any significant amount of $ to his children for over a month (i have been using $ out of my own bank accounts), but yet has enough $ to take the dog to the vet and to be fixing a whole side of the roof.

well, i'll just have to hurry up and fill out that child support application that i got last week.

thank you guys for offering your advice.

pacificsunrise

thank you cynical one for your reply.

it seems as though you are absolutely right. again. i just wonder why is it so hard for me to see him as the bad guy in all this? i mean i am making progress, but evidently not fast enough.

the thoughts of court scare me to death. i have never been in any kind of legal trouble before and am petrified of not being knowledgeable enough to defend my case. i saw a lawyer about a week ago and it's taking him a whole week to just write up a letter about my AH seeing the kids in a supervised environment. i have a suspicion that i'm gonna have to find another one that is more productive. again, my lack of experience is a huge disadvantage.

thank you so much for the advice.

by the way, we do not have any joint accts, due to the fact that he drained the one that we did have about 3 yrs ago.

hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

i know that he has about 10K in his retirement acct and gets $500 per week unemployment. the mortgage has been paid for march and april b4 i left. that's about what i know. since i took over bill paying (after joint acct fiasco) he has found other ways to get his drugs and $ for them.

newnormal4me

now i'm not supportive of him and i have abandoned our marriage. we got married for better or worse and i am not there for him.

Are we married to the same guy? Seriously, this is like a script. It is the deception of denial and seems they all play the same games. If he has seen a lawyer already (which didn't you get a certified letter?) then CO could be right.

I feel so much the same as you right now. But I am legally apart from my AH, so I've gone through the motions. Doesn't mean that my heart has caught up yet, but I'm getting closer and closer thanks to AH's stupid antics.

My first appearance in court was the hardest and most devastating of all! I couldn't believe this was US...facing off in court. It all is so ridiculous and unnecessary, yet until someone comes up with a way to infuse sense into an addicted person's head, it is what it is! After court the first time, I cried and cried and cried, but you know what, I made it through. You will too. I'm not lying when I say it was literally two years almost to the day between my first visit with a lawyer and us facing off in court. I have been SLOW to come around. But all my stalling and hoping and praying didn't do a darn thing for my AH's actions. He still has yet to humble himself and repent and do the right thing - treatment and beyond!!! It is a stinking mess and I do know that I don't want it anymore.

The reality is that until these guys show us with REAL ACTIONS, then it is all just a waste of time and energy interacting with them. The words your AH has used (seriously so similar to mine!) are exactly what KE said, he is pushing your buttons. He wants you and the kids to some degree, but he absolutely wants to keep going on "business as usual". Same for mine!

I had to take a stand, no matter how painful it has been, because I simply couldn't keep living that way and MY KIDS most especially don't deserve any of it.

****{HUGS}}} to you. Keep processing any way you need to. This is what is going to help you get to the other side, whatever that may be.

pacificsunrise

hello guys,

i haven't had a chance to write yesterday. talked on the phone to AH today, seems to be a good day for him. pressure washing the house, all nice and lovey dovey, no mentioning of not seeing the kids for this whole time.

my lawyer is supposed to send him a letter today informing him that i am interested in negotiation. wonder if his mood is gonna change when he gets it.

i also feel a little guilty about the letter, but i do need to have things documented legally. overall, i'm doing good and trying to make progress.

thank you everyone for your support and encouragement.

hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

hello,

supposed to meet AH at my lawyer's office next week. also got arranged through my lawyer to go to the house and pick up some more stuff. very excited about that.

overall doing ok.

i'm a little concerned about negotiating his visitation w/ kids. it should be supervised, but i'm still concerned, since i'm not familiar w/ the whole process. should i request that he be drug tested before he can see the kids? also, they have been doing really well, and i'm concerned that the visit w/ him will upset them all over again.

i know that i cannot simply keep them away from him forever, but still. i just want it to be the right thing for my little ones.

what are your experiences on the topic? thanks in advance.

hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

thank you, cynical one.

we were talking about "family house" where he could meet the children and where someone is present to supervise the visit, I guess. i plan on going there myself first to find out more details.

the more i think about it, though, the more uneasy i get. my kids are 4 and 1. the 4yr old is girl and she absolutely adores him. little one is a boy and pretty much indifferent or too young to show too much right now. as long as he has his mommy in sight. so i'm not even sure that he will cooperate in staying without me (he might not even know who he is).

i am mostly worried about him manipulating my little girl. she gets very upset over the fact that he's not around and has been doing a lot better lately. she seems to enjoy things a little bit better than when we first left (we have been gone for 6 weeks, they haven't seen him since, and the last she talked to him on the phone was about a month ago). she still talks about him, but does not bring him up all the time or get overly sad every time she talks about him. and i just worry that seeing him and whatever he tells her will be emotionally hard on her. not that he will be overly concerned, as long as he conveys his message. he could also try to use her to get to me. anyways, very worried about it.

thanks for the support.

pacificsunrise

well, it seems like my daily notes have turned into my weekly notes. i have just been so busy w/ everything, which i guess is the good thing.

big disappointment today. got a call from my lawyer that my AH has canceled the meeting and will have his lawyer contact us. also drove by the house hoping that he would at least keep the agreement about me getting some of my stuff out and him not being there for only 1 hr. did not happen, his car was there and obviously he was home. drove on w/ my list of items that i was hoping to get out. once again, agreements not followed through, as usual. i don't even know why am i so surprised. i really did believe it. maybe i was hoping since other people were involved (my lawyer) that he would take the whole thing a little bit more seriously. i mean he just left a message for my lawyer in the last minute canceling, and we all have made plans for this meeting. like i said, i don't know why am i still surprised.

but on the bright side, i got me and the kids an apartment and will get the keys in 9 days (you can tell i'm counting the days down). that was very exciting. also a little scary, b/c it is such a definite decision, but a necessary one. did not tell anyone yet. i'm sure my parents won't approve and will think it such a foolish idea and throwing away money, etc., etc. i'm happy though. both kids and i deserve to have some normalcy back in our lives. i am grateful to my parents for giving us a place to stay, but i find it best for my family to have my own place.

well, that's about it for updates. thank you guys for keeping up w/ my story. i wish each and everyone of you the best in your journeys.

hugs and prayers.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry to hear about the cancelled plans and the disappointment. In divorce, there is often one party who tries to throw a wrench into stuff. I read a book (many many years ago) about the games that divorcing people play. It helped me to identify the games and react differently than I would have instinctively.

It sounds like you are doing remarkably well. Disappointed is a lot better than devastated every time he throws a wrench into the works! And getting your own apartment is wonderful. I hope your parents understand and support you in this decision. It'll be nice to be able to establish your own routines.

Keep up the good work!

gentle hugs
ke

pacificsunrise

thank you Kindeyes for your support. also thank you for keeping up w/ me.

i am excited about getting the apartment, even if i don't have any furniture yet.

i appreciate your understanding. hugs and prayers to you.