CanfixONLYme

Has anyone experienced listening to their loved ones in treatment admit they have responsibility in issues surrounding their recovery but will just as easily point the fingers at others to justify them being the " victim" in the situation?

My husband has a slipped disc in his neck which has caused his left arm to go numb. As a result he said anti-inflammatories are not helping and he hasn't slept in days. He's coming up to 2 months and has 2 more to go... and I told him he doesn't have a home until the end of June

He was upset at his mum for not taking him to the doctors yesterday and felt he hasnt asked much in his life and was "hurt" she said no (she had plans already and said she would take him tomorrow).

That wasnt good enough for him and he was sad she didn't invite him along.
I listened for a min and then I couldn't take it any longer - " if you're going to start playing the blame game, be prepared to have it pointed your way. We could ask why weren't you there for us when we tried calling several times whole you were doing drugs ? Let's just deal with our own issues and stop obsessing about what others are/not doing" He went quiet and then apologized for "downloading"'on me.

He also has this habit of focusing on how others are "worse" than him and that drives me crazy

I'm worried this type of chatter is going to lead to a relapse ...or is this stuff not that easy to let go even when in recovery?

How do I deal with this childish behaviour without alienating myself from him? He does seem to be making efforts

Hugs to all,

CanfixONLYme

Ps - this injury seems to have happened when he was using but he doesnt remember - I think he may have passed out and fell weird thus the slipped discs in his neck. Anyway he is really feeling sorry for himself and just won't stop obsessing about it (which is preventing him from thinking of others and his/their recoveries...

japabp2000

Hello CanfixONLYme. My husband is still an active user, so I have no experience with recovery yet, but I pray he will do well in rehab (he goes in Friday) and recover. Anyway, I really have no advice, but am curious how long your husband has been clean/sober? I haven't read through your threads, and so I'm sorry if you have mentioned this in a previous post. Also, does your husband attend NA/AA meetings..again forgive me if you have mentioned in a previous thread. Hugs!!

FindinGrace

Absolutely! Everytime the EXABF went in.....

Kindeyes

Recovery is a process. Rehab alone doesn't "fix them". The self realization that occurs with recovering addicts isn't a lot different than the self discovery that occurs with us as we recover. We can't make all of the changes all at once....we make one small change and get use to it until it becomes our normal. Then we are able to make another change....and so on.

I have found that my focus needs to stay on me and when I let it stray to what my AS should be or shouldn't be doing, that is when I begin to falter in my own program. I am learning that when my AS vents to me, I don't have to do anything about it. I don't have to comment. I don't have to agree or disagree. I don't have to "correct" his thinking. And if it gets to a point that I am having difficulty or begin to feel uncomfortable, that's my cue to disengage from the conversation.

The blame game is a common one for addicts. Everything is everybody elses fault. The process of recovery helps them to begin to take accountability for their own lives. And there is nothing we can do to speed that process up.

The blame game is also common for codependents......we think everything is our fault and our recovery enables us to allow others to be responsible for their own lives.

gentle hugs
ke

keepinon

wallowing in self pity and not taking responsibility are 2 things not condusive to recovery.but, like kindeyes said..you can't control that, work on yourself and let hime do what he's going to do..mmmhmmm and oh are some good commentsyou can use when he starts in..

Chino

I must be missing something here because a slipped disc and numbness would have my complete attention too. I know I'd be miserable until I found relief. Every now and then I have days where I can't walk because of previous injuries, and it's agonizing waiting to get in to see my orthopedic surgeon. My family knows to leave me alone and if there's any conversation between us, they know what I'm focused on - myself. They leave me alone and thank goodness because I don't need them adding to my anxiety.

nothing2011

Kind Eyes, you are so right! I did not even know I was codependent until yesterday. I have enabled so much to continue to go on that when he would say it was my fault that's why I belevied it. The truth is he would have used whether or not I tried to stop it or didn't and I eralize that now. And I thank God for this site because it makes me stronger knowing I have so many wonderful people I can discuss this matter with and feel comfortable. It makes me stronger day by day Thanks

outtolunch

Addiction is a symptom, not the real problem. Eliminate the drugs and the problem is still there.

This is his battle to fight or not.

Controlling myself and my reactions is more than a full time job for me. The more time I focus on how I think my daughter should behave/react/cope, the less time I have to focus on the only thing I do control, me and my own reactions.

FindinGrace

Addiction is a symptom, not the real problem. Eliminate the drugs and the problem is still there.
True! I remember reading a few years back when I was in deep with my EX addict that addiction went hand in hand with mental illness and/or underlying problems. One usually was not present without the other.