AlluneedisLOVE

Hi everyone, I'm so new to this world, and never in my life thought I would be exposed to it...

About a year ago (six months into out marriage), I began noticing that my husband would have strange mood swings, say crazy things, and just act crazy in general. I began to find pills here and their in our house, and eventually confronted him. He claimed that he only used them every now and then...being the naive fool that I was, I believed him. More time went on, and the pills began to grow in number. Then he told me they were just for a friend....once again, I believed him.

Long story short, eventually (after stealing over $1000 from our saving), he confessed, and went for a short detox stint...everyting was better, and we were happy for the last year.

In January, it started again. I began to find pills, and he would say that they were just old ones that he found...Money would go missing, and he blamed it on the guys who word in his store...I always knew in my gut that he was lying, but I always wanted to believe it. Finally, two weeks ago, I confronted him again, and over hours of talking and many tears, he swore up and down that he would never do that again, that it was over, and he wanted to start a family soon...I was the happiest woman in the world, so glad to have my husband (and our sex life) back.

Last night, my alarms went off again when he was acting funny...I asked, and he lied straight to my face and got very defensive...tonight I went through his phone, and saw text messages from someone telling him that the oxys would be there in the morning.

I'm devastated. Heartbroken, I don't know what to do anymore. How can he look me in the eyes and lie? Doesn't he feel bad that this hurts me so much? I love this man, I really do. I don't know what to do...I'm beginning to realize that it's never going to change...I'm so afraid this is going to ruin us. He just lies and lies and lies...I'm so tired of crying and being suspicious all them time. Is there hope for me? For us? Has anyone been through this before?

japabp2000

Hello, my name is Aimee and my husband of soon to be 11 years is also an addict/alcoholic. His DOC (drug of choice) is Hydrocodone (generic name for Vicodin, which I'm sure you know is a pain pill). My husbands addiction started in 2006 after his step father passed away unexpectedly. Not that this is an excuse to me, but it is an excuse for him if that makes sense. He says that a friend of his offered him a pain pill (a hydrocodone) to make him feel better, and so that's when the trouble began. He was taking them orally, needing more and more and more every day, and finally he was told snorting them would make him high almost immediately so he began to crush and snort them. All the while I was oblivious to this..in fact I was oblivious to this up until 2010 when our not even 2 year old business (a nightclub/package liquor store) failed. I was clueless and wondered where the hell the money was going, but he was in charge of the bills/money so I had no way of really knowing, I chalked it up to bad business, even though I knew that we were doing well. So, when the business started to get in trouble he came clean and told me everything...so I thought. Then came the lies, the deceiving, and eventually the stealing and selling things in order to get his "fix". It's been a long, hard, sad, lonely road for me..but as his wife, I have decided to stand by him. He has done other drugs too...crack, heroin, marijuana, hydrocodone of course, and now he is a full blown alcoholic. He is only 31 years old. We are high school sweethearts. He chased me around for 2 months before I gave in and started dating him when we were both only 17 years old. He had this charm about him, this way with words to make me feel like the most loved and appreciated girl in the world. He was my rock, my confidante, my everything...and HE still is...but I feel like he is temporarily gone..like on a vacation of sorts because THIS new man is someone that I do not know, someone that is not the man I fell in love with and married. It's all like a nightmare and I want to wake up and be held by HIM..the old him. SIGH. I feel your pain sweetie, I really do. I'm so sorry that you, or anyone for that matter has to go through this. I love my husband truly, madly, and deeply (that was our wedding song ), and I miss him terribly. I fantasize about the day he "comes back home to me" (gets completely sober and clean/free from his addictions)...and I pray that it is very soon, and I pray that yours does too. Keep the faith and hang on because it is one hell of a ride. My hope and prayers are that your husband seeks rehab and NA meetings fast and in a hurry.
God Bless you & hang in there.

AlluneedisLOVE

thank you <3 you're strength is unbelievable. I feel the same way, i just want my strong, confident, HONEST, loving husband back... Do you think threatening to leave would help? I have no intention of really leaving, but as a last resort maybe I could scare him into it? Or would that backfire on me? I pray everyday that God will give him the insight and the strength to just stop...

outtolunch

Time for boundaries which are not the same thing as threats/attempts to control him.

"I will not live with someone who is an active drug addict" is a boundary. It lets go of the outcome. It places responsibility for action on ourselves. If I find myself living with a drug addict, I will remove myself from the situaton.

"If you can't snap out of it I am going to leave" is an attempt to control someone else. It will backfire.

The Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Your husband owns his addiction. There is nothing you can do to fix him.

Consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You can find a copy at your local library.

japabp2000

Alluneed, thank you honey, but I certainly don't feel strong. I feel lost, in a whirlwind so to speak. I can tell you that joining this forum was one of the best things that I could have done for myself though. You have came to the right place. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless you. Hang in there.
-Aimee

booboo626

I wouldn't suggest threatening to leave. Don't think it would solve any problems. Leaving, whether physically or emotionally, can have a change.

To answer a question you asked - imho - many addicts do feel guilt for what they are doing after the fact. The sad thing is - the guilt doesn't make them change their tune - the guilt and shame makes them do more drugs.

Scoots826

Sorry, Allyouneedislove, but it started that way with my now-ex. They get cold & distant when they start the oxys, it progresses to craziness, they treat us like we're the enemy, it may go on to heroin b/c the pills will get too expensive, then there's all kinds of problems created like money problems and such, and you will feel totally alone & broken down. You will not have a partner - just a needy, whiny, bi-polar, hateful, spiteful little boy who acts like a horribly bad child. He will probably wind up in jail for something. He will probably lose interest in work, never have money, etc. Then he may get off of the oxys and harder stuff but will replace it with alot of drinking and percocets to maintain, all of the while blaming you for this & that & lying & manipulating everything. (Well, that's part of the craziness & insanity from the get go!) He may be off of the hard drugs but will still resent you though you stuck by him. You will be trying to handle alot of major bitterness - but he doesn't want you to bring up his oxy use or he gets angry. He will resent you when his addiction starts, resent you while he's using, while he's withdrawing, while he's getting off of the hard drugs, and will resent you in the end when you're destroyed & left bitter. This is from experience. I truly believe now that once they start an addiction to one of those opiate pills, you have no chance. Don't waste years like I did. I wish I had known what a long, road of insanity it would be & then it won't work again. I'm trying to heal & get over the bitterness. And I've never been a bitter person before. And I also believe they've brought mental illness on to themselves & it doesn't leave even when they recover some.

NeglectedWife

I am going through everything you are. Being like a detective is worst role I have taken on. As much as I despise going through cell phone records I still do it because "I NEED TO KNOW" having my husband look me in the eye and tell these ridiculous lies and thinking in my head how could he? Or when he would swear on all the deceased loved ones in our family's graves that he wasn't high.

My AH would take oxys and these other things called "pops" basically morphine on a stick. I am new to this site and my AH is only 4 days "sober" so I really am not even on the platform to give much advice however I am choosing to remain positive and if your AH can admit he has a problem and seeks help then why not have hope? All I know is my husband has admitted he has a problem and wants to change and although it's been said before and he would go back to using right away I can only have faith in him and God that our situation will change for the better.
My husband has been to a few AA/NA meetings and one thing they taught him was he needs to start every morning with a prayer and he needs to pray. And I have decided to use this skill in my own life as the wife of an addict. So every morning I start my day praying for him to beat this.
It's tough being the wife of a drug addict....