mystictree

Hi all, I am new & would like some advice. My AH's opiate addiction started about 3 years ago. In the last year it has become so advanced that he can not keep a job. So when he was no longer working & making a paycheck, he then ruined his credit in order to charge things he could pawn & receive cash for. Once that was no longer an option, he wrote MANY checks at various cash advance businesses. Once he could no longer do that is when the stealing from his own family (even our own 3 sons) began. Well after the 1st time of stealing a BUNCH of things out of our family home he went into rehab (he has now been out about 3 months). About a month ago I began to notice things disappearing again & LOTS of odd, familiar behavior.

Long story short, he admitted to relapsing & pawning things from our home & his parents home. He moved out almost 4 weeks ago. I told him that I did not want a divorce, but I had decided the children & I could no longer live under the same roof with him while he was in active addiction. I hoped he was going to begin pursuing his recovery with the same vigor he has been pursuing his addiction. At least then there could be hope of reconciliation for our family in the future. However, he has continued to use & EVERY weekend he disappears with no indication of where he is staying or even contact information in case there is an emergency with one of our sons!

The reason why I'm posting today is because this is the longest disappearence so far. The last time I spoke with him was Saturday morning & he hasn't been seen by any friends or family since Sunday. I DO NOT want him living here, but I get through the day without worry when I at least have the knowledge that he is staying somewhere safe & warm. The days when I don't know, I keep picturing him out on the street. For those of you who have been in times like these, when someone you love so much is out there in the world & you have NO idea where they are or if they're even still alive, how do you manage to go on with your everyday life? I am attending Al-Anon meetings & that is helping, but when that nagging worry starts to creep into my mind it consumes my thoughts SO quickly.

tam

hello and welcome to SR..so sorry you had to find us, but please know your at a great place for support and not alone.
The knowledge, coping skills and support here truly got me through what sounds like the same situation as yours 14 months ago.

My advice is to change your door locks, when my AH left in dec.2009 I too
worried he would come back and steal things, so I had the locks changed..low
and behold he did attempt to enter the premises (for some personal belongings he said)..thankfully I was ahead of him.

I too worried where he was, if he was safe, tried to rescue him, get him help..nothing worked if anything it did more damage on me. It took me a long time to learn about addiction, it took me time to learn to focus and take care myself. it tore me up inside and out to see him destroy his life, but there will come a time when you come to terms with the fact that ultimately you cannot control someone and you learn how powerful addiction is over us.

Keep coming here for support, go to meetings, try talking to a therapist and try your best to take care of yourself and protect yourself.

hang in there..we are here for you

hello-kitty

I drew boundaries about the kind of behavior I was willing to accept in my life and around my son. It wasn't about HIM. It was about me. It was to protect my emotional well-being and the emotional well-being of my son.

One of my boundaries was/is:

If you disappear or no show/no call, I will immediately change the locks and I will no longer allow you in the house or around our child without a court order.

And you know what? He violated my boundary and I followed through on the consequences. So now, I no longer have to put up with it.

Chino

I allowed myself about 15 minutes of obsession. After I read all the news sites, looking for descriptions of my daughter because I feared the worst, I let it go. Every time I thought of her after that, I said a prayer and let it go again. I turned up the music, I read here. I looked for inspiration everywhere, I made plans. I read a book, I came here, etc. Sometimes I said "stop" out loud, and more than a few times in front of a mirror.

If you need more face to face support, go to more meetings if you can. Do whatever you can and however often you need, to stop the cycling in your head.

JMFburns

mystic,

Welcome to SR. Sounds like you're starting to work on yourself by attending AlAnon, that's great. But I know how it feels to worry about a loved one.

My (30 yr old) son is the addict in my life. When I read your post about "staying somewhere safe & warm" I looked at your location and had to laugh . . . it's probably decent weather where you live?

I know it's difficult, but these are grown men, my son and your husband. They should be able to take care of themselves. If we make it easy for them, a place to live, food on the table, money, etc. there is no "NO" reason for them to change themselves. Keep posting, reading and attending AlAnon, you'll get stronger for yourself and kids. My thoughts are with you.

outtolunch

Binges are like an express elevator to hell.

Having free room and board and no obligations means he is free to engage without experiencing immediate consequences.

I assume he is still unemployed? It takes a lot of stealing/pawning to sustain a habit. He's likely going to get caught and end up serving time.

How old are the kids?

Babyblue

You just go on. Life goes on but that gnawing worry stays in your gut regardless. I Pray and when he did resurface I am almost glad I didn't know based on some of the risky situations he got himself into. But he also has (as do most addicts) a circus freak show of friends and 'connections' to get basic needs met. Remember, if your husband was around you and your family right now, he'd be stealing

When I feel that 'worst' thoughts stuff, I let go. Then I try to refocus and stay in the moment, today, here, right where I am and what it is I am doing. If I was going to 'obsess', I'd set aside time to get that out of my system and then move along to something tangible (doing laundry, cleaning house...my house is immaculate when I'm under stress!).

Kindeyes

mystictree
Welcome to SR......I see that this is your first post and although I'm sorry that loving an addict has brought you here, you have found a wonderful place to come to for support.

It is very difficult to deal with the disappearing acts. With a spouse, the "expectation" is that you should know where they are......the addict in my life is my adult son so I don't have that expectation of knowing where he is all the time so my situation is a little bit different but I'll share what I do to maintain my serenity (lol) when he's "out there somewhere".

I pray a lot.....that helps me. The Serenity Prayers is indelibly imprinted on my brain and I must send that prayer up to my HP 5-10-20-30 times a day (depending on how I'm feeling on that day). I always emphasize the word "courage" when I say it because it takes a great deal of courage to get through the day when your addicted loved one is doing what they do.

I focus on my work. It requires my attention as I own a business and other people's lives and welfare depend upon me to keep them employed and thriving.

My son is homeless.....living in his car, couch surfing, and staying in a friend's garden shed...on the concrete floor with dirty blankets. It's heartbreaking. But I try to imagine him on a journey.....the "road to find out".....with a backpack on his back learning life's lessons.

Again.....welcome to SR. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

drinkingwater

I'll be honest, I don't deal well with them at all. My ABF started disappearing before I even knew what was going on. He just said he needed to be alone sometimes. I didn't understand at ALL and I was terrified every time he did it. Once he came clean with me and I knew what was really going on, I asked him not to disappear like that anymore. He finally promised not to and hasn't in quite a while which I am grateful for. However, I now know that if he does disappear again, I just need to go about my business and do whatever I'd normally do, instead of sitting by the phone waiting for him to call or text. There's nothing you can do when they're gone like that, you know? Worry and terror are a waste of energy.

I do agree that setting a boundary around it is a good idea. I wish I'd thought to do that when I gave my ABF my list of boundaries. I may change it up a bit on him. Give him a consequence and then stick to it.

Good luck to you... I'm sending you all my good juju for today.

drinkingwater

Latte

Welcome, I'm glad you are here.

If he has been able to get drugs in his situation, he can find a way to get the essentials when he wants to.

You've taken all the correct steps. I hope you continue to come here for support also, there are some wonderful people here.

outtolunch

We codependents tend to use the term boundaries to disguise our real intention to control other people.

There is an enormous difference between the two. Boundaries are the limits we place on ourselves in terms of what's acceptable to us. Boundaries let go of the outcome and respect that others are free to decide for themselves.

hello-kitty

The boundary and the consequences are for us. Not them.

I will not accept disappearing acts from the loved ones in my life. If someone disappears, I will not allow them back into my life. I will change the locks. I will not answer the phone. I will focus on myself and surround myself with people who don't exhibit that type of disrespectful, mean behavior.

It's that simple.

nothing2011

I agree we are not in control and so often I found myself thinking I can change him, and I cannot and have recently learned thislike days ago. I have not made him leave yet he is still in home, just got out of a psych ward for a suicide attempt that all of the kids witnessed and it isn't the 1st time they have witnessed this. While he was gone I had my locks changed and he DOESN'T have a key and I am prepared at any given moment to say goodbye. I love him but I do not love his addictions and will not tolerate it anymore. I have appointments for my older children to start therapy for all this they have seen. It only has gotten worse for me, it goes from one thing to something else to something else and then the verbal arguments turn physical and I'M TIRED. I am at the point it's a little to late to say I'm sorry. So my 1st clue that he is using and/or drinking again, the boot will come. Keep your head up I have lost a job, house, & three cars so worried about him and disappearing acts, etc. to worry about myself and I have woke up and oh what a world

FindinGrace

Honey, I think you have more to worry about than him disappearing. Please be careful with the "therapy" for the children. Therapy is not a fix all, rather an aide to what is being changed IN the child's life. Hugs...

coffeedrinker

mystic,

well, welcome to soberrecovery. please come here often -- when you're hurting, when you feel lost, when you have questions. we're open 24/7

the disappearing is, of course, part of this horrific lifestyle. i started smoking because although i hadn't been a smoker in years, i had insistent and strong cravings as soon as my xabf started to disappear. didn't help, now i'm hooked. yuck.

to get to a place where you're at peace with this kind of thing is very close to impossible. for me, i had to extricate myself from his life. you have a marriage and children. i'm so sorry.

asking him to leave was the best thing you could do. allowing him back any time soon will likely be the worst. be strong. care for your children.

nothing2011

FindingGrace, you are right I do have way more to deal with than just a addict his drug use and alcohol use turns him into a demon. I appreciate the concern with therapy, but at this point I don't know what else to do other than keep my head up and let my kids know that this lifestyle is not good. I have suffered from him being a addict/alcoholic, him being high or drunk and degrading me and it's all my fault to physcially fighting him over his drugs/alcochol because I felt at that point you know what I'd rather have a few black eyes as do deal with this pain from watching the way he looks and acts when he's high or listening to the mental and verbal abuse. My wounds will heal my heart won't. I have dealt with pretty much anything you can name in my situation and just now reaching out for support. He made me feel like it was my fault no kidding and my dumb tale beleieved him beacause I knew no different. This is my first marriage and the only man I have ever loved but I love him enough to let him go at this point. Thank you so much for just responding it means the world to me

outtolunch

Not that you need it.....you have our permission to love yourself and your kids enough to let him go.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

You deserve to treat yourself better than this. No woman deserves a beating. No child needs to grow up thinking this is normal.

FindinGrace

I know exactly how you feel... I have been there. Amazing how much we really believe can be our fault? Please don't get me wrong, I believe therapy IS good. It's just part of the help though...that's all. I feel that if the children go to therapy but are still in the bad situation, it may make things more confusing for them. I was reading a post a minute ago about a young girl and she said her dad used to say "you can't go around your problems, you have to go THROUGH them". I thought that was really cool, and true. My mother had a rough ride and was married to an A. We all stayed strong and wound up ok because SHE was our constant. SHE went through all the problems and we just knew happiness....because of her. My concern for you and your children at this point, is safety. If he has attempted suicide, he has no care for himself and anyone that might get in his way. God bless and stay strong. Your kids need you!!

lyssabee

When my RAH would disappear, I would remind myself that he was smart and cunning enough to find money for drugs when there was no money, to find drugs wherever we happened to be, and to have made it through several previous disappearances relatively unscathed. So if he was smart enough to do all those things, he was smart enough to get through this all on his own too.

Then, if I was still thinking about it, I would give myself a set time in the future that I would allow myself to worry about it. As in, "if in an hour I still want to think about it, then I can". Chances are that in an hour I had moved on.

What I used to get wrapped up in was "what should I do when he gets home" - which is doesn't look like you have to concern yourself with if he isn't living there. But in that case I would say to myself that he wasn't home yet so I didn't have to decide just then.

Deciding not to decide was a huge help for me - I'm pretty good at knowing what I want to do, so when I don't know, I try to hang tight till the answer arrives.

Good luck!

nothing2011

I am realizing this NOW and it feels really good which is why I have reached out for help and support because it's time my life turns from a revolving tornado to a warm sunny day Thank you so much for listening, understanding and supporting me God Bless You