found out that bf stole from job (long post)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
found out that bf stole from job (long post)
My boyfriend admitted to me that he had a drug addiction in August 2010, went to a program for 6 months, relapsed after that for a week but I got him to start going to meetings after that. He's actually been going to them (he comes home with papers and worksheets that they hand out there, so I know he's really going) and I bought a bunch of home drug test kits that I make him take randomly, he hasn't failed one yet.
So yeah, ever since he started going to these meetings things HAVE been getting better, which feels good because the last time he relapsed I basically figured it was hopeless.
Now, when he admitted to me that he had a drug problem in August, he had to do so because he lost his job and was close to being in credit card debt because he had been using everything in the bank on drugs and was using the credit card for everything else until it came to the point where he didn't have the money to pay his next bill; he came clean and agreed to go to the program in exchange for his parents helping him pay his credit card bill before it began to really affect his credit rating.
Other than this and what drugs he was doing, he didn't tell me much. And honestly, I cried so much over it that I probably wouldn't have been able to handle any of the more specific details.
Let me explain something: I did see the signs, for many months, but I didn't believe them and didn't want to believe them. Several times his friends approached me about his drug use and I'd just blink at them and be like "What are you talking about? He doesn't do drugs." Maybe you could say I was stupid, but one of the factors that contributed to my not being able to see the truth was the fact that a girl who I considered to be my best friend was lying to me for my boyfriend. She was my best friend and also a friend of his, which is basically how I started hanging out with him. At the beginning of our relationship, this so-called best friend would tell me all about how he had stopped doing drugs since I had started going out with him, constantly going on and on about how great he was doing and how proud she was of him and going so far as to say he must really love me for him to be able to get over his addiction like that...in reality, this "best friend" was selling drugs to him and telling me these things so she could keep getting money from him without my interfering. Needless to say, she's now an ex-best friend.
Anyway, a few nights ago we were driving home from a friend's house and he told me that the people at the meeting had encouraged him to open up about the stuff I didn't know about how bad his addiction was to me, and gave me an open invitation to ask anything I was curious about seeing as he had put so much effort into hiding things from me. So, one of the things I asked was exactly how he lost his job, since I assumed that it had something to do with drugs.
He got fired because he stole over $500 from his job one night and the boss noticed a discrepancy in his books. Everyone at his job had already pretty much knew that he had a problem so the boss figured it out pretty quickly. So, he came into work one day and the boss told him that he could either "quit" and leave quietly or he would call the police. My boyfriend of course picked the first option. I had no idea he was capable of something like that! He really is a good person who made bad choices, now that he's better people who don't know about his addiction are like "He's such a gentleman, you're so lucky!" And I just take a deep breath and say "thanks." I asked him why he did it and he said that he owed money to a couple of drug dealers and they were starting to give him problems so he stole the money to get them off his back.
I was just so SAD when I heard this. You see, when this happened, I was away for the summer studying abroad. I feel terrible thinking about how everything went from bad to worse while I was gone. He keeps telling me that I shouldn't feel like that because everything was his fault and that he's glad that I was away living my own life and not having to deal with all of his problems. He even says that it was good for him that I went away because he feels that something like that would have happened anyway whether or not I had stayed home, but that he would have just gone on trying to hide it longer and wouldn't have had to admit that he had a problem as soon as he did. I know this is true and I do feel that I deserved to have to great summer I had (except for the part where I came home, of course), but I feel so sad thinking about him being depressed, sick, in trouble, and ALONE while I was across the ocean having a great time. When I think back to that summer, instead of thinking about all of the great memories, I feel GUILTY that I wasn't there for him, even though I know in reality that it probably wouldn't have changed anything.
Does anyone else deal with guilt the way that I do? How do I get over it? I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it.
So yeah, ever since he started going to these meetings things HAVE been getting better, which feels good because the last time he relapsed I basically figured it was hopeless.
Now, when he admitted to me that he had a drug problem in August, he had to do so because he lost his job and was close to being in credit card debt because he had been using everything in the bank on drugs and was using the credit card for everything else until it came to the point where he didn't have the money to pay his next bill; he came clean and agreed to go to the program in exchange for his parents helping him pay his credit card bill before it began to really affect his credit rating.
Other than this and what drugs he was doing, he didn't tell me much. And honestly, I cried so much over it that I probably wouldn't have been able to handle any of the more specific details.
Let me explain something: I did see the signs, for many months, but I didn't believe them and didn't want to believe them. Several times his friends approached me about his drug use and I'd just blink at them and be like "What are you talking about? He doesn't do drugs." Maybe you could say I was stupid, but one of the factors that contributed to my not being able to see the truth was the fact that a girl who I considered to be my best friend was lying to me for my boyfriend. She was my best friend and also a friend of his, which is basically how I started hanging out with him. At the beginning of our relationship, this so-called best friend would tell me all about how he had stopped doing drugs since I had started going out with him, constantly going on and on about how great he was doing and how proud she was of him and going so far as to say he must really love me for him to be able to get over his addiction like that...in reality, this "best friend" was selling drugs to him and telling me these things so she could keep getting money from him without my interfering. Needless to say, she's now an ex-best friend.
Anyway, a few nights ago we were driving home from a friend's house and he told me that the people at the meeting had encouraged him to open up about the stuff I didn't know about how bad his addiction was to me, and gave me an open invitation to ask anything I was curious about seeing as he had put so much effort into hiding things from me. So, one of the things I asked was exactly how he lost his job, since I assumed that it had something to do with drugs.
He got fired because he stole over $500 from his job one night and the boss noticed a discrepancy in his books. Everyone at his job had already pretty much knew that he had a problem so the boss figured it out pretty quickly. So, he came into work one day and the boss told him that he could either "quit" and leave quietly or he would call the police. My boyfriend of course picked the first option. I had no idea he was capable of something like that! He really is a good person who made bad choices, now that he's better people who don't know about his addiction are like "He's such a gentleman, you're so lucky!" And I just take a deep breath and say "thanks." I asked him why he did it and he said that he owed money to a couple of drug dealers and they were starting to give him problems so he stole the money to get them off his back.
I was just so SAD when I heard this. You see, when this happened, I was away for the summer studying abroad. I feel terrible thinking about how everything went from bad to worse while I was gone. He keeps telling me that I shouldn't feel like that because everything was his fault and that he's glad that I was away living my own life and not having to deal with all of his problems. He even says that it was good for him that I went away because he feels that something like that would have happened anyway whether or not I had stayed home, but that he would have just gone on trying to hide it longer and wouldn't have had to admit that he had a problem as soon as he did. I know this is true and I do feel that I deserved to have to great summer I had (except for the part where I came home, of course), but I feel so sad thinking about him being depressed, sick, in trouble, and ALONE while I was across the ocean having a great time. When I think back to that summer, instead of thinking about all of the great memories, I feel GUILTY that I wasn't there for him, even though I know in reality that it probably wouldn't have changed anything.
Does anyone else deal with guilt the way that I do? How do I get over it? I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
dear itsmee,
welcome to SR.
feeling guilty is normal, but it's not productive. most of us who are in relationships w/ addicts do feel guilty about things. in reality, though, your presence or absence probably wouldn't have made much difference. we all think at some point that we could have helped, controlled, or prevented things, but it is not true.
the addicts will do and continue to do what they want. we cannot control them or anybody for that matter other than ourselves.
sorry to hear about your situation.
stay strong and take care of yourself. hugs and prayers.
welcome to SR.
feeling guilty is normal, but it's not productive. most of us who are in relationships w/ addicts do feel guilty about things. in reality, though, your presence or absence probably wouldn't have made much difference. we all think at some point that we could have helped, controlled, or prevented things, but it is not true.
the addicts will do and continue to do what they want. we cannot control them or anybody for that matter other than ourselves.
sorry to hear about your situation.
stay strong and take care of yourself. hugs and prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sadly, addiction doesn't escalate or decline just because we are around to supervise the addict. I know that for years I thought I had some control over whether my son used or not, but I was sadly mistaken. Thinking we can change anyone is an illusion, one that can make us very sick while we try to save them from their sickness.
What happened in the past is over and done. Neither he nor you can change a day of it. But you can learn and grow from the mistakes, and move forward better for the lesson. Or you can live your life in regret and shame for the past, thus losing today and the future and all the joy it may bring.
Meetings have helped many of us regain our balance and move forward, whether or not the addict moves forward in their own recovery. Maybe find some in your area and give it a try,
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs
What happened in the past is over and done. Neither he nor you can change a day of it. But you can learn and grow from the mistakes, and move forward better for the lesson. Or you can live your life in regret and shame for the past, thus losing today and the future and all the joy it may bring.
Meetings have helped many of us regain our balance and move forward, whether or not the addict moves forward in their own recovery. Maybe find some in your area and give it a try,
Welcome to SR, I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Is he working now?
Originally Posted by cynical one
Are you doing anything for YOUR recovery?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by itsmee
He keeps telling me that I shouldn't feel like that because everything was his fault
I used to fool myself into believing that I alone stood between life and death as it related to my daughter and her addiction. Eventually, I came to terms with this and realized that this was my ego talking. This is codependency.
If getting him to go to meetings and making him take random pee tests is the only thing that's keeping him clean, he's not going to stay clean.
There is nothing you can do to cause him to stay clean just as there is nothing you can do to cause a replapse. He owns this monkey.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Great that he is working on things now and communicating with you but if it is now making you worried and feeling guilty then before you ask, be really sure that you are prepared to hear the answer.
You don't have to hear it all if it is painful. I personally don't want to know. It doesn't change the fact that they are addicts.
What he may tell you may be 'shocking' and inconsistent with the person you know but as an addict, it isn't.
It would be good if you read up about addiction and how it affects them.
As for feeling sad because he was depressed, sick and alone...
Was he feeling depressed? Not while he was high.
Was he feeling sick? Not while he was high.
Was he feeling alone? Not while he was high.
He wasn't feeling anything but the affect of his drugs. The addict can numb their pain, we don't. No need to feel guilty.
You don't have to hear it all if it is painful. I personally don't want to know. It doesn't change the fact that they are addicts.
What he may tell you may be 'shocking' and inconsistent with the person you know but as an addict, it isn't.
It would be good if you read up about addiction and how it affects them.
As for feeling sad because he was depressed, sick and alone...
Was he feeling depressed? Not while he was high.
Was he feeling sick? Not while he was high.
Was he feeling alone? Not while he was high.
He wasn't feeling anything but the affect of his drugs. The addict can numb their pain, we don't. No need to feel guilty.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
