Why did he break up with me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
I'm still going strong, everyone. Just a quick update. I read alot on this site and your personal stories really help me. I draw strength from so many of you. Just know that!
It has now been one month since I have spoken to my ex. He is still calling and sending messages, so that is how I am kept up to date on his life. Lucky me. I haven't responded or spoken to him. It appears he is starting to "wonder" where I went. He let me go!
At this point, I'm resentful towards him. I thought I made peace and I was starting to feel really good about the decision he so honorably made for me. I can say that I do feel the presence of God in my life and I do feel a very strong confirmation that I WILL BE OKAY. But today I'm struggling with feelings. Bad ones. I am remembering everything he ever did to hurt me. And it's those feelings that are keeping me away from him. Defense mechanism? It's easier to hate him than to love him? I have no desire to see him or speak to him. I hate him, secretly. And I hate him even more for trying to lure me back after he told me I deserve more. Some days are hard. Most are not. I want to believe all of the promises in his last letter. He really is so eloquent ... on paper.
A friend suggested that I change my phone number and mailing address and block him from any social networks NOW so he could not reach me. I just can't do it. Because I would be closing that door. Right now, we can't have contact. It's easier to digest because he's in jail, so the communication is limited and you become accustomed to the routine. I'm finding it very hard to let go. I still miss him every day. I still love him every day. How do you cut the cord of this soul tie?
A
It has now been one month since I have spoken to my ex. He is still calling and sending messages, so that is how I am kept up to date on his life. Lucky me. I haven't responded or spoken to him. It appears he is starting to "wonder" where I went. He let me go!
At this point, I'm resentful towards him. I thought I made peace and I was starting to feel really good about the decision he so honorably made for me. I can say that I do feel the presence of God in my life and I do feel a very strong confirmation that I WILL BE OKAY. But today I'm struggling with feelings. Bad ones. I am remembering everything he ever did to hurt me. And it's those feelings that are keeping me away from him. Defense mechanism? It's easier to hate him than to love him? I have no desire to see him or speak to him. I hate him, secretly. And I hate him even more for trying to lure me back after he told me I deserve more. Some days are hard. Most are not. I want to believe all of the promises in his last letter. He really is so eloquent ... on paper.
A friend suggested that I change my phone number and mailing address and block him from any social networks NOW so he could not reach me. I just can't do it. Because I would be closing that door. Right now, we can't have contact. It's easier to digest because he's in jail, so the communication is limited and you become accustomed to the routine. I'm finding it very hard to let go. I still miss him every day. I still love him every day. How do you cut the cord of this soul tie?
A
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Fortunately, my ex moved to Florida. I doubt you will get so lucky. One of the things which has helped me the most is to analyze patterns. One of them for me was: Broken promises, pretense at a recpvery attempt, manipulation, substance abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, breakup, moving out for a few days, either calling him and begging to work everything out or having him call me with his pleas, a short period of resistance and no contact, caving in, promises made, moving back in, broken promises, broken promises, substance abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, etc, breakup, sweet words, etc, etc. It was a vicious cycle, and it didn't end until he moved a thousand miles away, and I had time to breathe and look at it for what it was objectively. I then to be a part of it anymore. The sweet words and promises felt good temporarily, but they meant nothing in comparison to the rest I endured.
Addicts are excellent manipulators. Your ex can and will say anything and everything to keep you in his life if he wants you there. He can and will do and say anything to manipulate you into doing exactly what he wants. He knows that he is eloquent with words and will use that to his advantage. Your friend's idea might be your best option--Even better if you can be somewhere he won't be able to find you when he gets out.
Since you have a relationship with God, maybe you could pray to him to help you find the boundaries you need and to lovingly detach yourself. If you are Catholic, St. Michael is great with that too. I haven't explored the religious section of this board yet, but there is a Christian forum you might find some solace in.
Good luck on your journey, and take good care of yourself!
Addicts are excellent manipulators. Your ex can and will say anything and everything to keep you in his life if he wants you there. He can and will do and say anything to manipulate you into doing exactly what he wants. He knows that he is eloquent with words and will use that to his advantage. Your friend's idea might be your best option--Even better if you can be somewhere he won't be able to find you when he gets out.
Since you have a relationship with God, maybe you could pray to him to help you find the boundaries you need and to lovingly detach yourself. If you are Catholic, St. Michael is great with that too. I haven't explored the religious section of this board yet, but there is a Christian forum you might find some solace in.
Good luck on your journey, and take good care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Bel Air, MD
Posts: 16
Hi Hades. Glad you're still going strong. I went through that, too. Needing space & not seeing/hearing from my now ex for a time period. And he kept calling, etc. Until I guess I guess we were at such a stalemate someone else caught his attention. At least yours is in jail where that can't happen until you decided what you want to do! LOL! Or am I the luckier one that it's finally truly over? I don't know. I'm having crazy thoughts that maybe the bitterness is leaving over the drug use & there's still love left and now he's gone. Arrghh... Ca-razy!! And then I go back to remember so much bad stuff, pain & disappointment & come back to my senses...
I feel alot of hate & anger towards my ex, too. So much. Anger & bitterness before....and hatred & bitterness now that he didn't want to deal with the mess & jumped right into another relationship. I can't wait for the day to come where it's just indifference..... My ex husband from years ago I tried not to have much contact with....but I have some ex's that I'm still friends with. But this is pure bitterness & when I try to visualize myself running into him or having a first conversation some time in the future with him (if it was to happen) and I just can't see it!! I can't see him, I can't talk to him, I can't even imagine looking at his face or eyes. I guess I just wanted this relationship soooo much & just got worn down over time like water over rocks where I couldn't look at it objectively, knowing it was wrong and not healthy for me. Soooo I'm angry at myself, too, for staying too long.
Yes, I'm drawing strength from the stories here, too, and the good pointers. I was fine again today then some more triggers happened that sent me into some uncontrollable crying spells. And he never was worth even one of my tears!! Wow---too many emotions all of the time!!
I feel alot of hate & anger towards my ex, too. So much. Anger & bitterness before....and hatred & bitterness now that he didn't want to deal with the mess & jumped right into another relationship. I can't wait for the day to come where it's just indifference..... My ex husband from years ago I tried not to have much contact with....but I have some ex's that I'm still friends with. But this is pure bitterness & when I try to visualize myself running into him or having a first conversation some time in the future with him (if it was to happen) and I just can't see it!! I can't see him, I can't talk to him, I can't even imagine looking at his face or eyes. I guess I just wanted this relationship soooo much & just got worn down over time like water over rocks where I couldn't look at it objectively, knowing it was wrong and not healthy for me. Soooo I'm angry at myself, too, for staying too long.
Yes, I'm drawing strength from the stories here, too, and the good pointers. I was fine again today then some more triggers happened that sent me into some uncontrollable crying spells. And he never was worth even one of my tears!! Wow---too many emotions all of the time!!
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