New Here--Spilling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
New Here--Spilling
Hi all,
I posted this on the new to recovery page too.
I am new here, but I have been dealing with addicts for several years, and I am finally seeking help with it. For me it started with weed and then progressed into cocaine, meth, painkillers, and eventually heroin.
I was with my ex fiance for nearly 7 years. About 2 years into the relationship he started smoking weed. At first we fought about it, then I started smoking too. Initially it was about a weekly thing for me, but it quickly developed into a lifestyle for him. He smoked all day, every day, and would do anything to get it. Once we moved in together I too began smoking every day, often several times a day. This pattern continued on for me for the duration of our relationship. Although I had begun smoking as a recreational thing, as things progressively got worse with him, I smoked more and more to deal with the stress and sadness I was experiencing. Instead of dealing with those emotions, I covered them up with the temporary peace of marijuana.
Things got worse with him quickly. He was, and perhaps still is, a highly intelligent man in many ways, but his downfall was his addictive personality. He decided very shortly after he started smoking to experiment with other drugs. I argued with him the whole way. Our first argument was over cocaine. He went through binge phases with every drug he could get his hands on. Being very young and stubborn, I did not want to admit that he was going downhill and it was more than I could handle. He was extremely manipulative, and I allowed him to manipulate me. I admit that I tried a few of the drugs myself, but fortunately I didn't take to them.
The one that took him was oxycontin. Once he got hooked on painkillers, he never came back. I stayed beside him, alternately enabling and screaming at him. Eventually he lost himself completely and became extremely emotionally abusive, bordering on physical abuse, especially when I would stop enabling him. His mom, who we lived with, enabled him even more often than I did and never came out of denial, even after I informed her he had resorted to doing heroin at least 3 times that I knew of.
Fortunately he moved to Florida. He essentially said that he had to go and I could come too or we would have to break up (I live in PA). I was originally going to go with him a few months after he went. However, we had been really distant for some time, and I had already found another person who I was extremely attracted to and shared an intense and undeniable spiritual connection with. Being very loyal, I allowed myself a friendship with this man, but nothing more in spite of our obvious and increasingly strong feelings for each other.
After about two months of being alone while my ex was in Florida, nature took its course, and I ended up kissing the man I found myself attracted to. I realized then that I wanted to pursue this interest. I called my ex and ended it and never looked back. I found that I had really found myself in the 2 months that I spent alone and I enjoyed embracing my shining, independent nature rather than being a constant attachment to another person. Through this realization I found that I COULD enter gradually into this new relationship which had fallen unexpectedly into my lap and still maintain a sense of who I am, separate from him. I spoke with him candidly about this and emphasized firmly that I never wanted us to be co-dependent on each other.
Our romance blossomed magically, and I found what it is truly like to love someone, and have the other person love me back. It is so different and more fulfilling than I ever expected. We are still passionately in love with each other, and I would never trade him for the world. He treats me like a queen, I treat him like a king, and I still get to be me with my own friends and interests, although all of my friends and family like him and have welcomed him into their lives as well.
We have always been honest with each other, and he told me early on that he knew what I had been through, but he had also been taking painkillers, and eventually heroin. The difference is, he quit. Our relationship was beneficial to him in his determination to stay away from it because I am so anti-almost everything drug-related at this point that the one time early on in the relationship that he did consider snorting a xanax at a festival we went to when it was offered to him by a friend, I freaked out and mentally considered leaving if he did take it. Seeing my reaction, he realized that he was falling back into old patterns and declined. We stayed away from his friends for the rest of the fest. He has been on suboxone to help him to quit the pain killers. He doesn't want to be on it anymore because he does not want to be dependent on anything. One night he came over to my house and attempted to withdraw there. He made it through one night, but it was an awful experience for him, and I did not know how to help him properly. He decided that day that he was going to have to go to rehab.
A month later he was still talking about it. I told him he needed to pick a day. No one wakes up and thinks, 'This seems like a great day to go to rehab'. There are always reasons to wait. I am proud of him though because he picked a day, and on that day he found out what he needed to do and did it. He went to welfare the next day to apply, got a rejection letter, and left for rehab 2 Fridays ago.
Today is his 9th day. He is still experiencing some withdrawal symptoms because the facility he is in gave him subutex initially to help him wean off. They switched him a day or to early from detox to rehab, but the physical worst is over, and he is quickly gaining energy at this point.
I got to visit him yesterday for about two hours, with his mom. We got pulled aside for a visitor's orientation, telling us that he needs structure and discipline and to be held accountable (He agrees.). I miss him incredibly. It is strange not to be able to see or even talk to him.
Over the past month or two there has been a new distance between us. He admitted yesterday that during that time he had started to use the suboxone more heavily to get high instead of only to help him abstain from other things. I find that when he is on it, it does block opiates and his impulse to do them, but it also seems to block out the rest of the world, myself included.
I want to talk to him about it and about my desire to mend this distance. However, I know he needs to focus on himself and only himself right now, so I am not sure when an appropriate time to have this conversation would be. I am not sure what to do with the emotions I am experiencing from this either. I want to use this time to heal for myself as well, but I don't know where to start. I am happy to be a huge part of my boyfriend's support system, but I don't know the best way to do that either at this point....I have been writing him letters all the time while he is in there and encouraging him to stay. I have also quit smoking pot entirely, for him and for myself. We both agree that it will be good for him to be entirely away from all substances that could potentially be abused.
He was thinking about leaving early, but I told him he needed to stay as long as he can. It took him a lot to commit to this, and he needs to follow through and get it done right so he doesn't have to go back. He also has a good support system in there helping him to get through this and family and friends rallying around him out here. He has mentioned the possibility of an extension (the state is paying and will only pay for 2 weeks), and I advised him to apply for it and get as much out of the program as he possibly can before coming back.
It is hard for me to advise him to do that though because I do miss him, and I know he is growing, while I am not sure where to go from here to get my life organized. I am probably going to seek counseling, but I have no idea where to start with that either. I find myself legitimately praying for the first time that I can remember.
I know this was long, but thanks for reading if you made it to this point. I have no clue how to handle this, and I would love any advice that anyone could offer on anything. Thank you!
I posted this on the new to recovery page too.
I am new here, but I have been dealing with addicts for several years, and I am finally seeking help with it. For me it started with weed and then progressed into cocaine, meth, painkillers, and eventually heroin.
I was with my ex fiance for nearly 7 years. About 2 years into the relationship he started smoking weed. At first we fought about it, then I started smoking too. Initially it was about a weekly thing for me, but it quickly developed into a lifestyle for him. He smoked all day, every day, and would do anything to get it. Once we moved in together I too began smoking every day, often several times a day. This pattern continued on for me for the duration of our relationship. Although I had begun smoking as a recreational thing, as things progressively got worse with him, I smoked more and more to deal with the stress and sadness I was experiencing. Instead of dealing with those emotions, I covered them up with the temporary peace of marijuana.
Things got worse with him quickly. He was, and perhaps still is, a highly intelligent man in many ways, but his downfall was his addictive personality. He decided very shortly after he started smoking to experiment with other drugs. I argued with him the whole way. Our first argument was over cocaine. He went through binge phases with every drug he could get his hands on. Being very young and stubborn, I did not want to admit that he was going downhill and it was more than I could handle. He was extremely manipulative, and I allowed him to manipulate me. I admit that I tried a few of the drugs myself, but fortunately I didn't take to them.
The one that took him was oxycontin. Once he got hooked on painkillers, he never came back. I stayed beside him, alternately enabling and screaming at him. Eventually he lost himself completely and became extremely emotionally abusive, bordering on physical abuse, especially when I would stop enabling him. His mom, who we lived with, enabled him even more often than I did and never came out of denial, even after I informed her he had resorted to doing heroin at least 3 times that I knew of.
Fortunately he moved to Florida. He essentially said that he had to go and I could come too or we would have to break up (I live in PA). I was originally going to go with him a few months after he went. However, we had been really distant for some time, and I had already found another person who I was extremely attracted to and shared an intense and undeniable spiritual connection with. Being very loyal, I allowed myself a friendship with this man, but nothing more in spite of our obvious and increasingly strong feelings for each other.
After about two months of being alone while my ex was in Florida, nature took its course, and I ended up kissing the man I found myself attracted to. I realized then that I wanted to pursue this interest. I called my ex and ended it and never looked back. I found that I had really found myself in the 2 months that I spent alone and I enjoyed embracing my shining, independent nature rather than being a constant attachment to another person. Through this realization I found that I COULD enter gradually into this new relationship which had fallen unexpectedly into my lap and still maintain a sense of who I am, separate from him. I spoke with him candidly about this and emphasized firmly that I never wanted us to be co-dependent on each other.
Our romance blossomed magically, and I found what it is truly like to love someone, and have the other person love me back. It is so different and more fulfilling than I ever expected. We are still passionately in love with each other, and I would never trade him for the world. He treats me like a queen, I treat him like a king, and I still get to be me with my own friends and interests, although all of my friends and family like him and have welcomed him into their lives as well.
We have always been honest with each other, and he told me early on that he knew what I had been through, but he had also been taking painkillers, and eventually heroin. The difference is, he quit. Our relationship was beneficial to him in his determination to stay away from it because I am so anti-almost everything drug-related at this point that the one time early on in the relationship that he did consider snorting a xanax at a festival we went to when it was offered to him by a friend, I freaked out and mentally considered leaving if he did take it. Seeing my reaction, he realized that he was falling back into old patterns and declined. We stayed away from his friends for the rest of the fest. He has been on suboxone to help him to quit the pain killers. He doesn't want to be on it anymore because he does not want to be dependent on anything. One night he came over to my house and attempted to withdraw there. He made it through one night, but it was an awful experience for him, and I did not know how to help him properly. He decided that day that he was going to have to go to rehab.
A month later he was still talking about it. I told him he needed to pick a day. No one wakes up and thinks, 'This seems like a great day to go to rehab'. There are always reasons to wait. I am proud of him though because he picked a day, and on that day he found out what he needed to do and did it. He went to welfare the next day to apply, got a rejection letter, and left for rehab 2 Fridays ago.
Today is his 9th day. He is still experiencing some withdrawal symptoms because the facility he is in gave him subutex initially to help him wean off. They switched him a day or to early from detox to rehab, but the physical worst is over, and he is quickly gaining energy at this point.
I got to visit him yesterday for about two hours, with his mom. We got pulled aside for a visitor's orientation, telling us that he needs structure and discipline and to be held accountable (He agrees.). I miss him incredibly. It is strange not to be able to see or even talk to him.
Over the past month or two there has been a new distance between us. He admitted yesterday that during that time he had started to use the suboxone more heavily to get high instead of only to help him abstain from other things. I find that when he is on it, it does block opiates and his impulse to do them, but it also seems to block out the rest of the world, myself included.
I want to talk to him about it and about my desire to mend this distance. However, I know he needs to focus on himself and only himself right now, so I am not sure when an appropriate time to have this conversation would be. I am not sure what to do with the emotions I am experiencing from this either. I want to use this time to heal for myself as well, but I don't know where to start. I am happy to be a huge part of my boyfriend's support system, but I don't know the best way to do that either at this point....I have been writing him letters all the time while he is in there and encouraging him to stay. I have also quit smoking pot entirely, for him and for myself. We both agree that it will be good for him to be entirely away from all substances that could potentially be abused.
He was thinking about leaving early, but I told him he needed to stay as long as he can. It took him a lot to commit to this, and he needs to follow through and get it done right so he doesn't have to go back. He also has a good support system in there helping him to get through this and family and friends rallying around him out here. He has mentioned the possibility of an extension (the state is paying and will only pay for 2 weeks), and I advised him to apply for it and get as much out of the program as he possibly can before coming back.
It is hard for me to advise him to do that though because I do miss him, and I know he is growing, while I am not sure where to go from here to get my life organized. I am probably going to seek counseling, but I have no idea where to start with that either. I find myself legitimately praying for the first time that I can remember.
I know this was long, but thanks for reading if you made it to this point. I have no clue how to handle this, and I would love any advice that anyone could offer on anything. Thank you!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well, the only thing I can suggest at this time is for you to go to AlAnon or Naranon and start working on you. Get more incite into you. Learn about you. Learn how to make boundaries for you. Start to understand the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this.
You can't CURE this.
AlAnon and/or Naranon will also help you to delve within yourself to see why you are 'attracted' to addicts or those with addict tendencies.
It is the weekend, so things are slow, but others will be along shortly to add their ES&H.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this.
You can't CURE this.
AlAnon and/or Naranon will also help you to delve within yourself to see why you are 'attracted' to addicts or those with addict tendencies.
It is the weekend, so things are slow, but others will be along shortly to add their ES&H.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Your job is to take care of yourself, not to advise your boyfriend on what to do. He is exactly where he needs to be and has people there who have the qualifications to advise him.
Google al-anon meetings in your area, then go.
Google al-anon meetings in your area, then go.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
I'm new too. My husband is also in treatment, so I don't have much advice, but just saying "Hey, I read your post--I'm listening and I'm in it with ya"
I hope he decides to stay. Hopefully you can find that independence and self discovery you found during the hiatus w/ your first boyfriend. Good luck!
I hope he decides to stay. Hopefully you can find that independence and self discovery you found during the hiatus w/ your first boyfriend. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I agree with Laurie..BOTH of you need a program to work..recovery is absolutely not the same as stopping using the substance of choice..left untreated, the addictions just seem to "shift"..gambling, porn, another substance, etc. Old people ,places and things are to be avoided.They say the only thing you have to change is everything..
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
This is the perfect opportunity for you to...work on YOU!
Alanon meetings, is a good support group for you, and you can work on your codependency issues....
Perhaps pick up the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie...
Hugs and hugs...
remember...you FIRST!
Alanon meetings, is a good support group for you, and you can work on your codependency issues....
Perhaps pick up the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie...
Hugs and hugs...
remember...you FIRST!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Thanks for the advice, guys; it means more than you know that you all took the time to read my story and to offer your support. I looked up NarAnon meetings, and I am going to my first one tomorrow night. A woman who I work with met with me yesterday to talk to me a little bit more about the recovery process, having been through it herself. She had AA reading material rather than NA or NarAnon, but it was still helpful to look over them and to hear her story. It was also nice to have someone who I could talk to about myself. She gave me a notebook to write down a list of what I'm grateful for each day, as well as a picture frame which says "Life is a journey, not a destination" and a framed copy of the Serenity Prayer. I am also looking into making sure that our relationship is not codependent. I do want us to grow as a couple, as does he, as we both grow separately. I am thinking it will come naturally if I focus on my own growth and give him room to focus on his as well. I started meditating again yesterday, and got in touch quickly with the strength within me. I will probably be doing it on a daily basis. Thank you all for being such a caring and supportive community!
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