trapped in a relationship with an addict
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 7
trapped in a relationship with an addict
hi, tks for this forum. i have a relationship that started last September. We met at a common friends party. there were loads of different drugs there (cocaine, mdma, weed). He was on holidays. he is 41 years old and i am 38.Both single and no kids.
He doesn't live in my town and country. we spent the following entire day together. I liked him, he was very sensitive and need for love and me too. The following month he came to my country for 5 days to see me, we went to the coast and it was great. We kept contact through email. Than 3 weeks later he came back for 10 days. He was working, through internet he can work anywhere.
During these days he drank a lot, since morning (beer and wine) like from 1 to 3 liters. We had 2 lines of coke together but socially. He brought coke and he did it, but irregularly.
I wasn't in love , neither him, but there was a strong connection, he attracted me. Even if he wasn't much giving person. He had to go for 2 months to another country (where he has his house, in Latin America, even if he is European). Apparently he lived there when he was a kid with his parents, and bought a house and propriety near the coast. he had admin issues to solve there.
Before he left he told me that he wasn't prepared for commitment, even if he liked me.
I said to him, that i liked him, and would wait for him to come back,and than he would see. Meanwhile we skyped, emailed during 2 months. he showed me the house, garden, the beach there through skype. He has a friend there, who lives there and owns a restaurant. his mate that i knew in skype.
He came to europe and came to my house,stayed 6 weeks. the first 3 weeks it was odd. he was sarcastic, ironic, not giving, criticize me, unpredictable humor and drank everyday. He feared intimacy.
One day when he was drunk he told me that he sold his house in europe, where he spent 15 years and had his house sold there because he had hard times with crack-smack (heroine) smoked and injected, cold turkey, and did methadone.
I don't know for how long he did these drugs. He told me: I am a drug addict.
I was interior devasted, but didn't show him. He told me he was replacing alchool for drugs. Here more, cause he wasn't doing drugs.
But i could not bear his l behavior and told him sadly that or he would change or this relationship would work. So he changed. The following three weeks he was calmer, more giving, nicer, had initiative, he surrender himself. Was cooking and i was inviting friends to come along. he would appreciate a lot this. Me too. I was astonished of his behavior change. He drank wine together during meals and here and there i was not drunk, but almost.I always drunk wine but with him more often.
He got ill with stiff neck and he went to the hospital, he had high blood pressure (alchool, tabaco and stress work)..and i was taking care of him,he was pale and weak. He appreciate my care. for me it was a normal thing to do.
Our relationship developed into a girlfriend/boyfriend romantic relation.
I fell in love for him and i think he too. But can addict fell in love? i doubt it.
He was please to stay here and was postponing his travel to his first town in europe (for 3 weeks) where he had to go for admin and meeting with his boss ( i saw her email asking for the meeting).
I knew that we would have coke and MDMA now, besides alchool.
After 5 days he was changed again. No communication, no initiative to speak with me. When we skyped he seemed distant, cold, not interested. i was surprise and confused. Told him he was changed, but he denied, he said he had a lot of stuff to do (neck specialist to see and admin and work).
He returned to his former pattern?
He is suppose to come back here this week to stay for one month.
I don't know what to do, is this a normal behavior for addict person, being detached, being cold, like nothing has happened before. I even though he met another girl. Why did he change. When he went to Latin America we communicated much more than now. But now we have a deeper relationship. It doesn't make any sense to me.
I quited asking him (asked twice). I don't email. Only sms once last week. But i sleep less and this is a turmoil for me, for not knowing WHY he is like that. To defend himself from love?
thank u very much for your listening.
He doesn't live in my town and country. we spent the following entire day together. I liked him, he was very sensitive and need for love and me too. The following month he came to my country for 5 days to see me, we went to the coast and it was great. We kept contact through email. Than 3 weeks later he came back for 10 days. He was working, through internet he can work anywhere.
During these days he drank a lot, since morning (beer and wine) like from 1 to 3 liters. We had 2 lines of coke together but socially. He brought coke and he did it, but irregularly.
I wasn't in love , neither him, but there was a strong connection, he attracted me. Even if he wasn't much giving person. He had to go for 2 months to another country (where he has his house, in Latin America, even if he is European). Apparently he lived there when he was a kid with his parents, and bought a house and propriety near the coast. he had admin issues to solve there.
Before he left he told me that he wasn't prepared for commitment, even if he liked me.
I said to him, that i liked him, and would wait for him to come back,and than he would see. Meanwhile we skyped, emailed during 2 months. he showed me the house, garden, the beach there through skype. He has a friend there, who lives there and owns a restaurant. his mate that i knew in skype.
He came to europe and came to my house,stayed 6 weeks. the first 3 weeks it was odd. he was sarcastic, ironic, not giving, criticize me, unpredictable humor and drank everyday. He feared intimacy.
One day when he was drunk he told me that he sold his house in europe, where he spent 15 years and had his house sold there because he had hard times with crack-smack (heroine) smoked and injected, cold turkey, and did methadone.
I don't know for how long he did these drugs. He told me: I am a drug addict.
I was interior devasted, but didn't show him. He told me he was replacing alchool for drugs. Here more, cause he wasn't doing drugs.
But i could not bear his l behavior and told him sadly that or he would change or this relationship would work. So he changed. The following three weeks he was calmer, more giving, nicer, had initiative, he surrender himself. Was cooking and i was inviting friends to come along. he would appreciate a lot this. Me too. I was astonished of his behavior change. He drank wine together during meals and here and there i was not drunk, but almost.I always drunk wine but with him more often.
He got ill with stiff neck and he went to the hospital, he had high blood pressure (alchool, tabaco and stress work)..and i was taking care of him,he was pale and weak. He appreciate my care. for me it was a normal thing to do.
Our relationship developed into a girlfriend/boyfriend romantic relation.
I fell in love for him and i think he too. But can addict fell in love? i doubt it.
He was please to stay here and was postponing his travel to his first town in europe (for 3 weeks) where he had to go for admin and meeting with his boss ( i saw her email asking for the meeting).
I knew that we would have coke and MDMA now, besides alchool.
After 5 days he was changed again. No communication, no initiative to speak with me. When we skyped he seemed distant, cold, not interested. i was surprise and confused. Told him he was changed, but he denied, he said he had a lot of stuff to do (neck specialist to see and admin and work).
He returned to his former pattern?
He is suppose to come back here this week to stay for one month.
I don't know what to do, is this a normal behavior for addict person, being detached, being cold, like nothing has happened before. I even though he met another girl. Why did he change. When he went to Latin America we communicated much more than now. But now we have a deeper relationship. It doesn't make any sense to me.
I quited asking him (asked twice). I don't email. Only sms once last week. But i sleep less and this is a turmoil for me, for not knowing WHY he is like that. To defend himself from love?
thank u very much for your listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
earings
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find answers here.
Many of us enter into relationships with addicts because we think we can change them. We can't. Drug addiction/alcoholism is a progressive disease and IF (and that's a big IF) they decide to get clean and sober, it often gets much worse before it gets better.
I hope you stick around and arm yourself with education about this disease.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find answers here.
Many of us enter into relationships with addicts because we think we can change them. We can't. Drug addiction/alcoholism is a progressive disease and IF (and that's a big IF) they decide to get clean and sober, it often gets much worse before it gets better.
I hope you stick around and arm yourself with education about this disease.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
When I was in rehab there were two men there who looked like they felt out of place. I eventually learned they were both very rich, very intelligent, and yes they were both very good looking. Living the high life. I guess it cought up with them, like it does for the rest of us.
addiction does not discriminate. it loves everyone.
addiction does not discriminate. it loves everyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 7
What do u think, shall i keep quiet ? my will is to shout with him telling everything i am feeling...confused, abandoned, unfairness. That he thinks always abt his needs.
He is suppose to come this week, and nothing, no contact. The best thing it would be not to come at all. I am surprised and sad.
He is suppose to come this week, and nothing, no contact. The best thing it would be not to come at all. I am surprised and sad.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Putting his addiction aside, you can't forget that he told you.
When a person tells you who they are and what they want or don't want, please believe them. It sounds like you invested your emotions into someone who isn't looking for the same thing in life, sorry.
I fell in love with someone years ago who stated up front that he was not interested in a committed relaitonship, we got along great, talked all the time and saw each other from time to time...........I took every word and every action as a sign of his love for me.....I kept buildilng and building a relationship with someone who clearly had told me.........that was not what he wanted. It was a very hurtful and dissapointing lesson I had to learn in life.
It's hard to hear what we don't want to hear, but you can't ignore it.
Originally Posted by earings 
Before he left he told me that he wasn't prepared for commitment, even if he liked me.
I said to him, that i liked him, and would wait for him to come back,and than he would see.
I said to him, that i liked him, and would wait for him to come back,and than he would see.
I fell in love with someone years ago who stated up front that he was not interested in a committed relaitonship, we got along great, talked all the time and saw each other from time to time...........I took every word and every action as a sign of his love for me.....I kept buildilng and building a relationship with someone who clearly had told me.........that was not what he wanted. It was a very hurtful and dissapointing lesson I had to learn in life.
It's hard to hear what we don't want to hear, but you can't ignore it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Welcome! I'm sorry for your sadness. Acceptance that something isn't what we hoped it would be is so difficult.
He told you he is a drug addict. And he can't change that. That's who he is.
Do you know what do you want out of life? Are you willing to settle and chase after a drug addict who isn't able to give you what you want?
It's very sad when we love someone who is unable to love us back. But you can't change him. You can't change how things are.
He told you he is a drug addict. And he can't change that. That's who he is.
Do you know what do you want out of life? Are you willing to settle and chase after a drug addict who isn't able to give you what you want?
It's very sad when we love someone who is unable to love us back. But you can't change him. You can't change how things are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 7
Hello Forum, have some news.
I decided to write him an honest email with my head and heart. basically saying that i like very much, but was disappointed, lonely, with rage cuz of zero initiative of contact me. Only answered my contacts. Told him that may be he didn't want to go forward with this. I described him how was our time 6 weeks in my house (ups and downs), and that if he couldn't give himself in this, to tell me. Because i couldn't do it like this, cuz i like me.
In fact, my email was in order to call him to reality, him to face he has a relationship and has to know what he wants. I wanted reaction and not running away from the subject.
After 2 days he answered saying that he didn't know what he wants but i was right that he is hesitating over this. That he likes me a lot and when we are together, but doesn't care enough and he isn't prepared for a relationship right now.
I was relieved. anxiety went away and came sadness and tears. But feel more freedom and lighter.
I like him but will move on. He is not able to love anybody or himself in the first place. Don't think he is prepared for any rehab, he will continue to be a globetrotter and having no affection references. It hurts me but it is his choice. yet I don't regret anything.
And would like to be in contact with him, this time with no anxieties or expectations. Each one following its way.
many thanks for listening me
I decided to write him an honest email with my head and heart. basically saying that i like very much, but was disappointed, lonely, with rage cuz of zero initiative of contact me. Only answered my contacts. Told him that may be he didn't want to go forward with this. I described him how was our time 6 weeks in my house (ups and downs), and that if he couldn't give himself in this, to tell me. Because i couldn't do it like this, cuz i like me.
In fact, my email was in order to call him to reality, him to face he has a relationship and has to know what he wants. I wanted reaction and not running away from the subject.
After 2 days he answered saying that he didn't know what he wants but i was right that he is hesitating over this. That he likes me a lot and when we are together, but doesn't care enough and he isn't prepared for a relationship right now.
I was relieved. anxiety went away and came sadness and tears. But feel more freedom and lighter.
I like him but will move on. He is not able to love anybody or himself in the first place. Don't think he is prepared for any rehab, he will continue to be a globetrotter and having no affection references. It hurts me but it is his choice. yet I don't regret anything.
And would like to be in contact with him, this time with no anxieties or expectations. Each one following its way.
many thanks for listening me
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by earings
He told me: I am a drug addict.
Sounds like he was detoxing when he stayed with you. Detox is not recovery.
Words are meaningless. It's all about his actions and behaviors.
Either you accept him as is or not.
You have no control over him or his choices.
None of us are that powerful.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
I'm sorry you are going through this. Trying to have a real relationship with an addict is almost impossible. You are much better off without him and I agree with John in that you are not trapped. You hold the keys to the invisible chains keeping you involved in the madness. I hope you use them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 7
that person had an addiction?
Originally Posted by atalose
Putting his addiction aside, you can't forget that he told you.
When a person tells you who they are and what they want or don't want, please believe them. It sounds like you invested your emotions into someone who isn't looking for the same thing in life, sorry.
I fell in love with someone years ago who stated up front that he was not interested in a committed relaitonship, we got along great, talked all the time and saw each other from time to time...........I took every word and every action as a sign of his love for me.....I kept buildilng and building a relationship with someone who clearly had told me.........that was not what he wanted. It was a very hurtful and dissapointing lesson I had to learn in life.
It's hard to hear what we don't want to hear, but you can't ignore it.
When a person tells you who they are and what they want or don't want, please believe them. It sounds like you invested your emotions into someone who isn't looking for the same thing in life, sorry.
I fell in love with someone years ago who stated up front that he was not interested in a committed relaitonship, we got along great, talked all the time and saw each other from time to time...........I took every word and every action as a sign of his love for me.....I kept buildilng and building a relationship with someone who clearly had told me.........that was not what he wanted. It was a very hurtful and dissapointing lesson I had to learn in life.
It's hard to hear what we don't want to hear, but you can't ignore it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
that person had an addiction?
Why?
A very helpful mantra that I repeat to myself often is "It is what it is." It helps me focus on the reality of a situation, not my fantasy of how I want or hope things could be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 7
hi guys,
outtolunch u said:Sounds like he was detoxing when he stayed with you. Detox is not recovery.
would like u to explain better that please, i think i know, but i am not sure.
Meanwhile i replied his email saying that he preferred to ignore his feelings that had developed more. And that i suppose he is unable to have an intimate relationship with me or anybody. That i was surprised for his not contact behavior for the first time in 6 months, just after us being so close.
i also told him that apart from everything, it is sad that we like each other a lot and can’t be together. People asked for him here (my family), and i din't tell the truth, only to my closest friends.
I m feeling empty and sad. This is a process. I m trying to mental myself the lost. It is impossible not to like him a lot from one moment to another.
Hope is able to be in touch with me through internet, now that are no expectations from anybody. I don't know if he is able. I know he was fragile before leaving here. It seemed he felt he would leave comfort, love and some serenity. Now i hate drugs more than never before, and i am an irregular pot smoker since ages.
thks for your words of experience
outtolunch u said:Sounds like he was detoxing when he stayed with you. Detox is not recovery.
would like u to explain better that please, i think i know, but i am not sure.
Meanwhile i replied his email saying that he preferred to ignore his feelings that had developed more. And that i suppose he is unable to have an intimate relationship with me or anybody. That i was surprised for his not contact behavior for the first time in 6 months, just after us being so close.
i also told him that apart from everything, it is sad that we like each other a lot and can’t be together. People asked for him here (my family), and i din't tell the truth, only to my closest friends.
I m feeling empty and sad. This is a process. I m trying to mental myself the lost. It is impossible not to like him a lot from one moment to another.
Hope is able to be in touch with me through internet, now that are no expectations from anybody. I don't know if he is able. I know he was fragile before leaving here. It seemed he felt he would leave comfort, love and some serenity. Now i hate drugs more than never before, and i am an irregular pot smoker since ages.
thks for your words of experience
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
us codependence so want to change that man! and go down and down with him...and loose ourselves in the process...
time for boundaries? does HE really have to stay with you the next time he comes to the country? no...ask him to stay elsewhere? that you feel uncomfortable with his addicted behaviours?....
Melody Beattie, CODEPANCE NO MORE is an awesome read...and Nar Anon or Al anon is a great place for "us" to be...
I miss my NA but not his crap....i am worth more
time for boundaries? does HE really have to stay with you the next time he comes to the country? no...ask him to stay elsewhere? that you feel uncomfortable with his addicted behaviours?....
Melody Beattie, CODEPANCE NO MORE is an awesome read...and Nar Anon or Al anon is a great place for "us" to be...
I miss my NA but not his crap....i am worth more
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I see Toxic from your very 1st encounter with him, he is using, you are using, but your using is not as bad as his? What part of "I am not interested in a relationship or making a commitment" would give your any reason to feel trapped?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 7
Rose,
I don't feel trapped anymore. I felt it, when i didn't understand his shift behavior, from one week to another. when u love someone, u feel desperate to understand different attitudes your loved one has and if there are links with addiction behavior.
Now having read so much about addictions and behavior and codependency (it s a long education work), i feel calmer and accepted reality. I wait and see what happens with no expectations at all. It his health and his decision.I m out.
Concerning drugs, yes he uses drugs: alcohol (replacement for opiates) and coke if he has. Concerning me, i smoke pot irregularly. It never controlled my life... i don't think about, and don't look for it. If it comes, among social environment or alone and if i feel like it, yes. If i don't feel like it, no. anyway, thks very much for your reply and interest.
I don't feel trapped anymore. I felt it, when i didn't understand his shift behavior, from one week to another. when u love someone, u feel desperate to understand different attitudes your loved one has and if there are links with addiction behavior.
Now having read so much about addictions and behavior and codependency (it s a long education work), i feel calmer and accepted reality. I wait and see what happens with no expectations at all. It his health and his decision.I m out.
Concerning drugs, yes he uses drugs: alcohol (replacement for opiates) and coke if he has. Concerning me, i smoke pot irregularly. It never controlled my life... i don't think about, and don't look for it. If it comes, among social environment or alone and if i feel like it, yes. If i don't feel like it, no. anyway, thks very much for your reply and interest.
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