Distrust and Insecurities
 

Hello Everyone,
Its been a while since I have been here. I have been trying to apply all of the tools and advice learned here and through books to my life. I have been doing alot better! My exabf seems to be on the path to recovery, although I have thought so before. I have seen some real changes this time though. Through phone calls, texts and FaceBook we have maintained contact. He has been the one initiating this. We have had some difficulty with this "remaining friends", but are working through them. I have had to draw the line at face to face contact which we tried once. I met him at a resteraunt and cried all the way home and just felt very sad. I paid attention to this a realized that I was not ready for this. I am proud of myself for putting myself first. Any way the reason for this post is because he has mentioned several times that he hopes that I am involved in therapy because he "would hate to see himself get better and and not me". I have been taking offense to this and have said some harsh things to him. I then feel bad. I am insecure and extremely distrustingI am defensive about this because I believe that it is because my whole life I have been involved with addicts who lie, cheat, and try to make me feel bad about myself in various ways in order to control me. NOW I say -who the hell wouldnt be distrusting and insecure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have been getting help for a lot longer than he has. I have made a lot of changes which includes moving on with my own life and trying very hard not to focus on his. He is the one who wants me in his life because he loves me and wants to someday make it work.
I honestly dont think I will ever be able to trust him again even with all the counceling in the world!!!!!!!!! as far as I am concerned I am better off alone!!!! Do I need therapy because I think this way or is this just a normal reponse to seeing and experiencing all the bs from people in this world. UUgghhh I am so frustrated! Is it possible to learn to trust again and would alanon meeting help with these feelings??????:react

Funny you should ask... about two hours ago, I told someone I was ready to trust them again because I finally trusted myself. It's taken these 12 steps and therapy to get here.

Time4me,

I have not been on here in a long time because I didnt think i needed the support anymore. I broke up w a heroin addict in october, and had a conversation with him on text tonight. The whole point of the conversation for him was to tell me that I am horrible, ugly, fat, spoiled, and disgusting (he never talked like this while in relationship but woo!) I have been sitting on the floor of my room googling how I can be more secure so I dont have any answers for you, and i might need some therapy myself :) but I know that we are headed in the right direction (not in a relationship w an addict, and I am thinking, processing and verbalizing my own feelings). I like the idea of trusting myself first because that seems to be where my problem lies. I am in a new relationship now, and i feel incredibly insecure ( like something is going on behind my back, and I need constant verbal reassurance to know that everything is still all good). I really want to be able to provide this assurance for myself - I am valuable, beautiful, good enough just the way I am....And, maybe its a leap of faith, but i think humans need other humans! There are healthy people out there who want to have real, level relationships --- sigh.

Trust your self in what way???

I really think the reason why I am so unhappy again is because he is trying so hard to be involved with my life and this is causing extreme conflict with my emotions. On one hand I thought I wanted and liked his desire for friendship and frequent contact. On the other hand I feel the "magnetic pull" towards becoming too involved in him.
FaceBook has been an issue.I like Face Book because it has helped me reach out to family and friends and regaina social life. However he and I are constanly "checking up" on the other. I really believe that we would be better off not having that much to do with each other. I really have been trying to get a life again as this is what therapy has taught me to do. Have friends, have hobbies, interests and learn to be ok alone. I am reaching out to you all because I need help sorting out these feelings. I think I am going to have to tell him that we have to go our seperate ways if we are ever to come back together. I have so much that I have yet to do for myself and that may include experiencing a relationship with a "non addict". I know that he has so much to do as well and this all may take years. I have been afraid of knowing about him being with someone else as well as being resentful that he is doing well and rebuilding his life. Why couldnt he do this for me!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to find alanon as I am yet again struggling! I just wanted to know if alanon would be the appropriate place to get help with these specific issues and are they common.

We can't answer this question for you. And the only way you can find out is to attend and keep going (getting past the discomfort of going in the first place) to see if it helps you.

Naranon/Alanon have been crucial to my recovery. Reading books to help me understand myself and the addict in my life have been crucial to my recovery. And it is a process.....I'm not done yet......and I may never be "done".

And just like the addict, I had to want it more than anything in order to really commit to my own recovery.

You'll never know the answer to this questions unless you try. My suggestion to anyone considering going to Naranon/Alanon.....don't go to just one meeting and decide it's not for you. Commit to going 6 - 10 times.

gentle hugs
ke

It's trusting myself to make the right decisions for me.

It means knowing myself, a full accounting of all my strengths and weaknesses, all my needs and wants, then honoring them. Having healthy strong boundaries, my own identity, and being willing to protect myself. Being able and willing to say yes or no.

"We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I trust that others will be exactly who they are and the same goes for myself.

"To thine own self be true"

When I am certain of my own truth, myself, nothing anyone else does or says will cause me confusion or suffering.

He couldn't do it 'for you' because that's not how recovery works. He has to do it for himself. Just like you have to do your own recovery work for yourself.

Just my two cents.... If having contact with your addict on Facebook is an issue, block him. Tell him why you don't want contact and just block him - it's in the privacy settings.

I do think that an AlAnon group would be helpful to you in working through the feelings you're having AND also in staying strong if you decide to have no contact. I've found such comfort in my NarAnon group and having people around who know what I am experiencing.

I also think that, based on what you said, you're not focusing on yourself like you should be... you're so focused on him with your resentment and what he's doing. I totally get why you're angry and resentful, but you will only begin to heal when you accept him for what he is and what he's doing and then let all of that go. Then you can focus 100% on recovery for yourself.

Hang in there, you can do it.

drinkingwater