BarelyHere

What a crazy last couple of weeks.

Ah has been doing well for over a month. Today is 120 days off of Oxy. The first month off, he was using a lot of alcohol & the moods & rages were horrible. Then he stopped the alcohol & went to rehab. Since being back from rehab, he is seeing a private counselor & with the exception of some adjustments seemed to be doing well.

Last week after one of his sessions, insteaded of going to work, he came & poured his heart out that even though he was doing great, he was only doing 80%. That he had been sneaking alcohol. That he had poured out more than he drank, but he was still keeping secrets. That he had to come clean & no more secrets. I had noticed a few times he seemed out of sorts, but had blamed that on PAWS. We had a great weekend. Talking, sharing, etc. Then we had our session with our counselor & we discussed what had happened the week before. It was all very positive.

Then Wed eve he seemed snippy, Thurs I had strep throat. He slept over 5 hrs on his day off. This was not like him. Then Fri. eve when he got home I asked if we could talk about the last couple of days. He didn't want to right then, he was going to our sons game at 10 pm. We could talk when he got back or the next am. He always kisses me goodbye. But no kiss. Came home after midnight. Came to bed, rolled over. Nothing.
This morning he kissed me goodbye. Acting like nothing is going on. Its now Sat afternoon and we still haven't talked. Last night I found the receipt from the grocery he stopped at on the way home. There was alcohol on there. I specifically asked if he had been drinking because I didn't want him to drive if he had. He said he hadn't.

So he is on his way home from work & I am going to confront him.

Wow. This total honesty didn't even last 10 days!

I am just so tired. Three steps forward & two steps back.

I really dread the fight that is getting ready to happen. We are supposed to be having dinner & a movie with our daughter & her new boyfriend tonight.

Thanks for listening & letting me vent. You all are the best!

outtolunch

Back when I was on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with my daughter, I too was not capable of communicating, unless it was about her.

What might be the outcome if you took the focus off him and put it back on yourself?

Your husband owns his own recovery or not. You can't love him sober. You cannot badger him sober. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

You have the power to get off the rollercoaster any time you want to do so. You can accept him as is/where is or decide you do not want to live this way, anymore. It's that tween part ( where we fool ourselves into believing we can control someone else and their choices) that's the reall killer.

BarelyHere

Thanks for the advice.

I gave my husband the chance to come clean. He of course lied again & said there was nothing he needed to tell me. I told him he was a liar & showed him the receipt. There was a brief discussion. Not much else to say.

I went on out with my daughter, it was not her problem. Yesterday we discussed it a little more. More for me to just let him know how upset I was.

My two biggest problems: The lie, this one I can't blame on he was under the influence. The other problem was his "breakthrough" less than 10 days before that he had to stop lying to me or we were not going to survive.

I spent yesterday in bed having my own self-pity party & trying to make some decisions.
I know I need to let this go. It hurts a lot. I know I need to leave.
We have four kids, 21 yr marriage, and a very large business together. It is going to be hard on a lot of ppl & and not as easy as just leaving.

And all of this is so silly. He is a 40 yr old man, seeing two counselors, kicked oxy, & still lying like a 10 yr old.

I am in a very dark & lonely place. No decision I make is right. Everybody around me thinks I am depressed. While my husband is still perceived as mr great. Because no one but me & the counselors no the truth.

Thanks again. I am going to be off making some tough decisions.

drinkingwater

BarelyThere,
I know it's scary but taking care of yourself should be #1. Even in the face of all the other stuff that may or may not happen if you decide to leave. Hang in there, I'm proud of you for trying to figure out how to take care of yourself and your kids.

drinkingwater

pacificsunrise

BarelyHere,

i am sorry to hear about your situation. i can understand how hard it must be. i have known my husband for 13 years now, married for over 5, 2 small kids and third on the way. and it is still hard. i have been staying at my parents house for 25 days now.

i understand the pressure of trying to keep everything together. i haven't even told anybody yet that i don't live at home. i am so embarrassed to even talk about it to anyone. i'm sure neighbors have noticed that my car isn't there and i really hope that i don't accidentally run into one of them.

it is so true. my husband is also 40 and after a while you start seeing right through the lies even when you try really hard to make yourself believe them.

that's how it usually is. they are the greatest, always happy go lucky and we are stuck with the "real" reality and what is worse noone seems to believe us b/c after all we are usually the one "with the problems".

hang in there and keep posting. thank you for your support in my situation. hope you find some answers for yourself. i know that you already have the answers, but acting on them is so hard sometimes.

my hugs and prayers are with you. stay strong.

Kindeyes

barelyhere
I'm sorry that you're having a tough time right now. Take your time making those difficult decisions....they don't have a time limit. For me, prayer helps a lot....that and opening my heart for my HP's guidance.....then I don't feel so alone.

gentle hugs
ke

cj86

Barelyhere, I'm not going to tell u to leave ur husband. But I realized a long time ago that if ur unhappy or depressed then something NEEDS to change. Ive been through it all to well. He wouldn't change so I had to. being unhappy all the time not only effects u but everyone around u that cares. It eventually broke me down. My mind, spirit, and body. Since I made the change I'm in a much better place. Best wishes for u going through ur journey cj

dancingnow

BH I agree with cj, please focus on yourself and forget about trying to make your AH not lie to you. It is battle not worth fighting.

I see my 3 years ago self when I read your post. It just got uglier and uglier. We are separated now and I am getting happy again and finding my own peace.

It's not my problem anymore whether AH is drinking or not, unless he is putting my kids in an unsafe situation. I am getting healthy and we are separated and will remain so until he embraces recovery.

No more lies, because I don't ask (still slip every once in a while). Amazingly when we were going to couples counseling he would tell me he's been sober for blah, blah, blah amount of time and then when the couselor asked it turns out well, yeah there was this 1 time when blah, blah, blah.

So glad to be stepping away from that and yes it is hard, real hard to care for 3 kids on my own but in many ways easier, happier and more fun.

Think about it when you go out with your daughter and her boyfriend - would you rather be laughing and enjoying yourself or all stressed out about AH drinking.

JMO but wanted to share - been where you are, but finding many bright spots in my life through Alanon, SR, counseling, meditation and not caring or trying to figure out why my AH continues to lie to me.