seacup

I have not posted her for quite some time. My life with and without my AS has continued and to no surprise seems to have only gotten deeper and darker. I am now trying to accept that he may be sent to prison for 5-7 yrs. Last year he spent 6 mo in county jail, and 10 days before Thanksgiving was released. I allowed him to move home with me for the first time in close to 2 yrs. He had been accepted into the Drug Court system, and I was so hopeful. I enjoyed the holidays with my son for the first time in years, his brother and sister all enjoyed the time we had with him. He was doing what appeared to me as pretty good. About 11 weeks into his return home and active participation in Drug Court he phoned me at work and told me that he had injected medication he had been prescribed, (wellbutrin) and had just had a seizure. I instructed him to call 911. He did and was taken to the hospital, where he was kept for 5 days then released home. Within a weeks time, I found paraphernalia in his room, and he was clearly using. I then phoned a team member from Drug Court and shared that my son was in crisis and he needed help, more support and that I was concerned that my home was not a good place for him, that he needed more structure and support. I work a FT job, he is 23 now and does not drive and I do live in a rural area, so there is not much available within walking distance ie: na meetings etc. I got little response except that he needs to do what he needs to do to stay out of jail, and obviously that is stay clean. Maybe I am making excuses for him, but he is an addict and Drug Court is about treatment...? Well within a week he was back in a psychiatric hospital I "think" because he is feeling suicidal. What concerns me now and did then is the hospitals have actually become a legal drug dealer for him, but anyway....from there he went to residential "safe house" very close by my home. This worked for about 3 weeks before he got kicked out from there and was on "the run" from the law and on a mission of self destruction. While he was there at the safe house run by a pastor, the pastor stopped his medication of celexa, and cut his suboxone in half, he said that god would heal him he did not need these drugs. I don't know, I guess all this would have happened anyway, but what if????? I have done all I can to assist the law in arresting him. I decided I would rather visit him in jail than sit at his grave. He has been in jail for 4 days now sick with detox and has just phoned me for the first time. I am so thankful to know he is safe, but so sad to think he my go to prison for the next 5+ yrs. UGHHHH I have mixed feelings on if jail is the answer. He is hopeful that he will be allowed another chance and be able to continue with Drug Court, and has asked me if he can come home and try again. I wish I could love my baby clean. This is torture in my heart and in my head. Thank you for allowing me share. I love my son so very much, he is so young this breaks my heart.

cece1960

I'm sorry things have gotten worse (((Seacup))).

My son is currently in County Jail, due to be released next week. I am glad he has done his time, clean, but I'm uneasy about his release for many of the reasons that are currently causing you pain.

I keep telling myself that if he does slip up, he will return to jail and it is out of my control,completely, as is your sons situation.
For me, that's not a bad thing, because I'm better at being pushed back than I am at stepping back myself.

There's nothing about this that is easy...hang in there...we're walking with you

(((Hugs)))

EJG123

I'm sorry for your pain and I understand. My 22 yr old AD is supposedly doing drug court but is not committed to succeeding so IMO it is just a matter of time before she will wind up in prison. If that's where she needs to be to stop using, then so be it.

Kindeyes

seacup
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I know your mother's heart must hurt terribly.

It is torture to think of the consequences that our adult sons are facing due to their drug use. There are so many "if onlys" but that doesn't do any good....for them or for us.

I am currently dealing with my son once again being homeless because we would not allow him to move back into our home. It was so hard to say no. It is so hard not to know where he is, if he's ok, and not be able to get in touch with him.

I can tell you that I am filling my mind and heart with things to help me feel better because I know that I can't help my son. I am reading some really good books and putting myself 120 percent into my work. I'm exercising and just trying to keep my mind on positive things.

I do know how you are hurting right now and if I could I would offer you gentle hugs in person.

ke

Impurrfect

(((Seacup))) - I'm sorry things have gotten worse for you. I'm an RA (recovering addict) and it took a lot of concequences before I finally chose recovery. They included jail, and when I relapsed, I was on the verge of going to prison, and that was when I drew the line.

I've known people who have been in prison, long-term treatment (3 years), yet still didn't get it. We each have to find our own bottom.

I know how bad it hurts, as I am also a codependent. I've had 3 relationships, and all were with A's (addicts/alcoholics). I have no idea about the first 2, but my last XABF died from his addiction. I was sad, but I also knew that I did what I could for him. I detached, I wrote him letters in jail about how great recovery was, and told him I would always love him, but will never be with him again.

I have a 17-year-old niece. Her mom died in a car wreck, when Brit was 1. Her dad has been an A since he was in junior high. My stepmom never disciplined her, and she is following the path of her dad. I love her as if she was my own child, but I have detached and we aren't speaking. I will text her that I still love her, but get no response.

She has her own path to walk, as does your son. It's hard to watch them destroy their life and it hurts like he!!, but we can't fix it.

I've found peace, in this situation, by being involved in this forum, and hearing of other's stories.

Five years in prison may be just what he needs. He'll have "3 hots and a cot" and plenty of time to think. MY last jail term made me realize that I never wanted to go there again. However, I relapsed, but it was a short one, and I finally said "I can't do this any more".

I pray that your son comes to the same realization.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

keepinon

I too, wanted to "love my daughter clean"..if that worked, none of us would be here.There is hope, when I got to alanon I had none, but they showed me that i don't have all the answers, I may have been underestimating my daughter (I was), that only SHE could make the decision to live a healthy life.DO you go to alanon? It completely changed my thinking..its worth driving 45 min. for..restored me to quasi-sanity..and that's saying something.

katie44

Im sorry, we do understand here, praying for your son. My son has been in jail for a month going to be sentenced at the end of May. He just turned 24 actually had his birthday in jail. It is heart wrenching. He most likely will be sentenced to a year. Today I know he is safe, he has a bed, and he is alive. I think the hardest part is we grieve the loss of our hope and dreams for them. When AS was small I used to wonder what University he would attend, would he be an engineer, the list goes on.? Now I pray that he finds recovery. Doesnt matter what he does for a living anymore, as long as he is clean and leads a productive life. It took a very long time for me to realize if he never faced consequences for what his addiction has done to his life, there would be no reason for him to work on his recovery. There are many wonderful people here that have walked in your shoes. Glad your here, and keep sharing. This site and naranon has restored my sanity.

seacup

Thank you everyone, this is what I need to hear now. I so appreciate knowing others know how badly I am hurting. Thank you!

mooselips

(((seacup)))
My youngest son, age 32 is currently in prison, and will be serving about 2 years, give or take a few.

It took me a long time to detach from both of my son's and let their H.P. do his work. There was nothing I could do, and believe me, I gave everything a good try.

The last option for my son was prison, or death, I'm glad prison won.


Yes, I know how it hurts your heart, mine hurts for you too.

seacup

Thank you! Yes, I must agree...I have spent the last few weeks thinking exactly that....I can visit my son's grave or I can visit him in prison. I too am glad that prison won. But, you are so right, it does hurt very badly. Guilt I think is what is getting the best of me right now. As much as I know it is not my fault my son is an addict, and I tried everything within my power to help him and even things that set me back, and I lost the mission to save him. I pray that he will some day find his true recovery. It is the loss of hope right now that hurts, but I must find hope again and move on. I will be here when my son is released good lord willing and my support will be here for him then should he be ready. I guess for now all I can do is pray for him, send him letters and books and of course some money to make his time more comfortable. Anyone have any thoughts on the sending money part? He says that they don't feed them very much, and a little money so he can purchase commissary items like snacks, soap, shampoo and things like that. I have no idea how much he really needs to have.....???

mooselips

seacup.
Throw that guilt away! Remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

There is NOTHING you did that caused your son to be an addict.

Anyway, unfortunately, I have a bit of experience with this prison/jail thing, since my oldest son has been in 4 TIMES.

When my oldest was initially sent to prison, I treated him like he was away at college, or living at a country club, always sending money, making it OH SO comfortable for him. In fact, I did without, so HE would be more Comfortable.

My attitude on this has changed a bit. They're in jail for goodness sake, they should be a tad UNcomfortable! Now I send enough for basics, shampoo, underarm deodorant, just essentials. I will send enough for tennis shoes if he needs them, but I sure will try to not overextend myself.

I have heard from my oldest son, that $30.00 a month can get them by, I'm not sure if that is true, maybe someone can answer that for me, and you.

Hugs from one mom to another.........

keepinon

[QUOTE=seacup;2918605]. As much as I know it is not my fault my son is an addict, and I tried everything within my power to help him and even things that set me back, and I lost the mission to save him. I pray that he will some day find his true recovery. It is the loss of hope right now that hurts, but I must find hope again and move on. QUOTE]


Alanon helped me find hope again.I used the exact same words as you..I was out to SAVE her..thing is, it isn't our job and never was.You absolutely didn't fail your "mission" because it was never yours..it's your son and his HP.
AND the good news is HE hasn't failed either..it ain't over till it's over and I don't count people out of the game anymore after some of the miracles I've seen in recovery.
I really hope that you find hope again..my sponsor helped me to think of the fearful energy I was putting out as harmful to my daughter.So I made a concerted effort to start thinking and saying hopeful thoughts and words..instead of all my fear that she would never get sober and die..I started saying that I knew recovery was possible, that a new life was waiting for her when she wanted it.Now I'm not saying it fixes everything, but the shift in energy was amazing..I no longer gave her addiction my attention and thoughts, but gave RECOVERY my thoughts and power.Worked my own recovery really hard and looked around me for the miracles that I now see all the time.You can have peace and hope back..