Help-I am Scared
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Help-I am Scared
I am really scared and do not know where to turn or what to do.Background-my son 24yrs old has been doing drugs on and off since he was 19.It got really bad and then he got sick and stopped for awhile. He was diagnosed with Cronhs Disease last year and has no insurance so his medical bills are very high.He works for my husband and pays on them a little at a time.He lives with us(mom,dad, and 12yr sister).He went to a doctor who gives him methadone to help with the pain of crohns and for his drug addition.He does not abuse the methadone as we keep it in a safe and give him his dose each day.He did fairly well but about 1 or 2 a month he either gets very drunk,smokes pot or takes a xanax.When he does that with his methadone it makes him so loopy and my husband starts going off on him,it upsets his sister well you get the idea.Then my son promises not to do anything and for about a month he does good and then 1 day he does some kind of drug and here we go again.If we threw him out he would really haveno where to go, he does not even have a car.He would lose his job as he rides to work every day with hubby.Tonight he took some nightquill(at least that is what he says) and is messed up.We told him to go to his room-no phone computer etc(its hard to reason with someone who is messed up)well he took my laptop and when i noticed it was gone i went to his room and said you thief you took my laptop. well he went crazy calling me names that he has never said to me so i told him tomorrow morning to pack his clothes and get out.then he burns his arms with cigerattes and threatens suicide (which he used to cut on his arms and was diagnosed bi polar but that was before the drug addiction.So now what do i do?If i throw him out he really has no where to go no money and i really think he will try to kill himself. If i threw him out my daughter would go nuts.She is very mad at him but loves him so much and i think she would blame me.I know this is long and there is much more to tell but i need to know what i can do now.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Posts: 13
He has fallen asleep and i guess i will just try to figure out what i should do.I think it would be easy to throw him out if he was using daily but he is really trying i think(maybe foolishly).I am also concerned about my daughter she is close to him and they spend so much time together(other than the days he uses).Thanks for the advice for 911 but i guess i will figure something out.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Do you go to alanon/naranon? You are living with an active addict..active addicts use, say they won't , lie, steal, curse, throw things, and threaten suicide.The drugs he is mixing are deadly...have you suggested in patient treatment..tthey can deal with dually diagnosed addicts and help the family as well.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I can see how this is causing you so much grief and worry, trying to do the right thing and not adding anymore upset. I think though, you are going to have to put your daughters feelings aside for this. Of course she is upset and far to young to understand how sick her brother is. I myself don't really think your son being around her is the best thing for her to be witnessing. There are no easy answers, nor any easy solutions when we are dealing with an active addict, it just seems so heartbreaking to have to make decisions regarding their safety. By harbouring them, not letting them take the fall is really no cure.
What I read from your post is you trying to protect his well being, your daughters feelings and your feelings that she is going to be mad and blame you, all natural things to do when your the mom trying to keep her family happy and safe. Something you should really give a try is al-anon or nar-anon meetings, some places have an ala-teen as well for your daughter. There is so much support and information in these meetings and you won't feel like you are the only one in this world dealing with this.
I do agree with the others above, call 911. Your son's actions are out of control and not something we know how to deal with, we could be causing more harm when we think we are helping, there are professionals out there for this.
Rose
What I read from your post is you trying to protect his well being, your daughters feelings and your feelings that she is going to be mad and blame you, all natural things to do when your the mom trying to keep her family happy and safe. Something you should really give a try is al-anon or nar-anon meetings, some places have an ala-teen as well for your daughter. There is so much support and information in these meetings and you won't feel like you are the only one in this world dealing with this.
I do agree with the others above, call 911. Your son's actions are out of control and not something we know how to deal with, we could be causing more harm when we think we are helping, there are professionals out there for this.
Rose
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Keepinon-I just found a meeting and if i cannot go tonight(my daughter has girls scout meeting tonight) then i plan on going next week.
Rose-I do try to talk to my daughter openly but its funny the things I tell her i cant tell myself.I do get that this is not my fault,its his choice,that it is interfering with me & my husband relationship and the stress it causes my daughter. I am not ashamed to tell people or to talk about it but i am just so deeply sad for him,so very sad.
Rose-I do try to talk to my daughter openly but its funny the things I tell her i cant tell myself.I do get that this is not my fault,its his choice,that it is interfering with me & my husband relationship and the stress it causes my daughter. I am not ashamed to tell people or to talk about it but i am just so deeply sad for him,so very sad.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
delldell,
Welcome to SR. I am the mother of a 30 yr old son. He is currently about 18-19 mo. clean.
I know that feeling of such sadness for your son. I've been there, believe. My son ended up living in homeless shelters for about 7 months, even then I tried to "help" him w/bus money, cell phone, little bits of money for food or whatever . . . but ya know what, it was going to drugs. I finally got so far in debt and crazy over it all that I said "no" and within a week he checked himself in at a hospital detox. They helped him apply to medical assistance to cover the detox and he goes to outpatient rehab. He lived in a recovery house for 6 months.
It isn't "perfect", but it's better than it was and there was NOTHING I could have done to help him get here on his own. God knows I tried . . . but in the deep, thick of it, he was lying to my face every day about his using. I guess the saying "If their lips are moving they're lying" is really true.
Good luck and get to meetings if you can. I go to NarAnon and AlAnon every week.
Welcome to SR. I am the mother of a 30 yr old son. He is currently about 18-19 mo. clean.
I know that feeling of such sadness for your son. I've been there, believe. My son ended up living in homeless shelters for about 7 months, even then I tried to "help" him w/bus money, cell phone, little bits of money for food or whatever . . . but ya know what, it was going to drugs. I finally got so far in debt and crazy over it all that I said "no" and within a week he checked himself in at a hospital detox. They helped him apply to medical assistance to cover the detox and he goes to outpatient rehab. He lived in a recovery house for 6 months.
It isn't "perfect", but it's better than it was and there was NOTHING I could have done to help him get here on his own. God knows I tried . . . but in the deep, thick of it, he was lying to my face every day about his using. I guess the saying "If their lips are moving they're lying" is really true.
Good luck and get to meetings if you can. I go to NarAnon and AlAnon every week.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
btw..I'd say MOST of the kids we have who are addicts have been diagnosed with SOME mental health issue.The prevailing logic seems to be..deal with the addiction first and THEN see how the mental stuff looks..sometimes it miraculously disappears..(because drug use and mental illness look ALOT alike)..sometimes it doesn't, but can be managed once the "self medicating" stops..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: a tn
Posts: 13
JMF-how awesome for you son to be 18-19 months clean.May I ask why you still come to this forum and how long he was on drugs? I wish we had a homeless shelter somewhere around here,we live a very rural area.I was not able to go to the meeting tonight because of girl scouts and next week we will not be in town so hopefully I can go the following tuesday.People seem to think it helps so I am looking forward to listening to what others have gone through and how they have handled things.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((DellDell))) - I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codependent. I spent 2 years on the streets, jumping into cars with strange men to get money for crack. We A's are VERY resilient.
I have a stepbrother who was on meth. He lived here, at my dad/stepmother's house, stole a lot of things from my dad. Dad finally got fed up with it and paid for a week at a motel to get him out of the house.
I also have a 17-year-old niece, who was about 14-15 when dad did this. She was FURIOUS with my dad for kicking R out. However, he will tell you it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He's clean, has a gf and a baby, and is very happy. My niece still has a grudge, but then she's got her own issues. She's following her "dad's" footsteps and dabbling in drugs and alcohol. She moved out 6 months ago, has basically shut my dad and I out and it hurts.
However, I know she knows I love her, and I do believe that we will eventually get a relationship again. It may take time for your daughter to realize why you are doing what you're doing.
I had no home, no car, slept in empty apartments, on porches, etc. and was perfectly content, as long as I got my crack. It took getting locked up, almost 6 months to clear my head and consider not smoking crack again. I was clean for the better part of a year, then relapsed for a short time. When the possibility of prison came up (I had violated probation) that's when I quit.
I will forever be grateful to my family for letting me fall on my face, dig a really deep hole, and then figure out a way to get back out of that hole. I didn't feel that way, at first, but it did come.
I know this is breaking your heart, but let me deal with the consequences of his actions. You're daughter will come around, soon.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's hard, it hurts, but IMO you really need to let the addict walk their path, and pray they hit bottom and choose recovery. For me, I had to face a LOT of consequences to get to that point.
I have a stepbrother who was on meth. He lived here, at my dad/stepmother's house, stole a lot of things from my dad. Dad finally got fed up with it and paid for a week at a motel to get him out of the house.
I also have a 17-year-old niece, who was about 14-15 when dad did this. She was FURIOUS with my dad for kicking R out. However, he will tell you it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He's clean, has a gf and a baby, and is very happy. My niece still has a grudge, but then she's got her own issues. She's following her "dad's" footsteps and dabbling in drugs and alcohol. She moved out 6 months ago, has basically shut my dad and I out and it hurts.
However, I know she knows I love her, and I do believe that we will eventually get a relationship again. It may take time for your daughter to realize why you are doing what you're doing.
I had no home, no car, slept in empty apartments, on porches, etc. and was perfectly content, as long as I got my crack. It took getting locked up, almost 6 months to clear my head and consider not smoking crack again. I was clean for the better part of a year, then relapsed for a short time. When the possibility of prison came up (I had violated probation) that's when I quit.
I will forever be grateful to my family for letting me fall on my face, dig a really deep hole, and then figure out a way to get back out of that hole. I didn't feel that way, at first, but it did come.
I know this is breaking your heart, but let me deal with the consequences of his actions. You're daughter will come around, soon.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's hard, it hurts, but IMO you really need to let the addict walk their path, and pray they hit bottom and choose recovery. For me, I had to face a LOT of consequences to get to that point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: a tn
Posts: 13
Impurrfect-thank you for that post.EverytimeI read what each person has wrote i cry.I cry for them,i cry that you each care enough to take time to post and i cry because i know that very soon i will break and will kick my son out of our home. I have always said i would die for my children but he is no longer a child so i guess i need to stop saying that because if i kick him out it would mean that i am no longer willing to die for him. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart for each and every post.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
delldell
I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you found this forum as a resource. I hope you find comfort here. I sure did.
I also have an AS. He is 29. We have done everything for him (that was part of the problem). We sent him to a wonderful university, he dropped out after a year and a half. We sent him to a trade school, he dropped out right toward the end of the two year schooling. We employed him off and on even though he resented the job and resented us and was constantly late and tried to tell us how we should run our business because he knew how to do it better than we did. He caused problems with other employees and was a daily pain in my neck at home and at work. We eventually had to fire him. We came to his defense when he got into legal trouble. We bailed him out of messes. We sent him to out patient, then in patient, then out patient, then in patient again.
That is the reader's digest version of all of the things we did for our son. None of it worked. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result. There is no doubt in my mind.....I have been a premier passenger on the crazy train.
20/20 hindsight.......I wish I had had the courage and mental fortitude to stop all of that enabling that I did for him sooner than I did.
He is currently living on the street or in his car. I don't know. I have surrendered to the fact that none of what I have done has worked. So I'm allowing him the dignity to figure it out on his own. The only way my mother's heart can do this without breaking down and crying daily is to envision him with a backpack on his back on his "road to find out".
By allowing him to walk his path alone, I feel that I have (finally) stepped out of God's way and have given my son the best chance to meet his "spiritual change agent". I pray daily that he will be guided by HIS HP and that he will be held in his HP's hands and kept safe.
For me......it has been similar (but different) than a mother sending her son to Iraq. But the battle is different and the enemy is different but no less dangerous.
I am learning to have faith that his life is unfolding as it should.
Welcome again to SR. We understand where, how and why your heart aches for your adult son. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you found this forum as a resource. I hope you find comfort here. I sure did.
I also have an AS. He is 29. We have done everything for him (that was part of the problem). We sent him to a wonderful university, he dropped out after a year and a half. We sent him to a trade school, he dropped out right toward the end of the two year schooling. We employed him off and on even though he resented the job and resented us and was constantly late and tried to tell us how we should run our business because he knew how to do it better than we did. He caused problems with other employees and was a daily pain in my neck at home and at work. We eventually had to fire him. We came to his defense when he got into legal trouble. We bailed him out of messes. We sent him to out patient, then in patient, then out patient, then in patient again.
That is the reader's digest version of all of the things we did for our son. None of it worked. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result. There is no doubt in my mind.....I have been a premier passenger on the crazy train.
20/20 hindsight.......I wish I had had the courage and mental fortitude to stop all of that enabling that I did for him sooner than I did.
He is currently living on the street or in his car. I don't know. I have surrendered to the fact that none of what I have done has worked. So I'm allowing him the dignity to figure it out on his own. The only way my mother's heart can do this without breaking down and crying daily is to envision him with a backpack on his back on his "road to find out".
By allowing him to walk his path alone, I feel that I have (finally) stepped out of God's way and have given my son the best chance to meet his "spiritual change agent". I pray daily that he will be guided by HIS HP and that he will be held in his HP's hands and kept safe.
For me......it has been similar (but different) than a mother sending her son to Iraq. But the battle is different and the enemy is different but no less dangerous.
I am learning to have faith that his life is unfolding as it should.
Welcome again to SR. We understand where, how and why your heart aches for your adult son. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Letting go and giving up are two different things entirely.Letting go means we release the other person and ourselves from trying to force a solution..we let go with love and we always have hope that things will improve.Giving up is saying..you have no hope for the person and are letting go, but with dusgust or frustration.
Your son, like my 18 year old (at the time) daughter are adults who are quite capable of finding help and working a program..IF THEY WANT IT.We can't make them want it, or want it for them, but when we stop enabling (providing clothing, food, shelter, money, bathing facilities, etc) they can begin to feel the consequences of their addiction.and it's painful...pain motivates change.Cushy living does not.My sponsor told me I should let my daughter "wallow in her addiction" and see how much she really liked it.She was sick, tired,dirty, emaciated..lived like an animal for 8 months..but she decided it wasn't what she wanted.She could've died while she was finding out, but she could've died of an overdose just as quickly while sleeping under my roof.Once I really accepted i was powerless, the decisions I needed to make became very clear.
Your son, like my 18 year old (at the time) daughter are adults who are quite capable of finding help and working a program..IF THEY WANT IT.We can't make them want it, or want it for them, but when we stop enabling (providing clothing, food, shelter, money, bathing facilities, etc) they can begin to feel the consequences of their addiction.and it's painful...pain motivates change.Cushy living does not.My sponsor told me I should let my daughter "wallow in her addiction" and see how much she really liked it.She was sick, tired,dirty, emaciated..lived like an animal for 8 months..but she decided it wasn't what she wanted.She could've died while she was finding out, but she could've died of an overdose just as quickly while sleeping under my roof.Once I really accepted i was powerless, the decisions I needed to make became very clear.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 4
Wow..Thanks to all. And to Impurrfect thanks for that lil glimpse into knowing what my 18 year old daughter is going through and doing with her life as i write this. I recently found out she went out of town with some girl to do escorting. It made me sick. I give no money and we have been battling this since she was 14. Drugs that is. She knows how i feel. She doesn't want to live here with me anymore and her lil sister 14. She stays with her boyfriend who wants her to get help too. I missed the chance to get her into rehab before 16. Up here in NY state. I was to scared to take serious action. Whatever the day has come and she now uses her body to get what she wants. We use to keep in close contact up untill her 18 birthday 3 weeks ago in which she was so xanaxed out she don't remember those 3 days after her birthday. I have been contemplating getting her caught by the police so she can sit in jail and hopefully write the judge to see if we can get her forced into rehab. I don't know seems girls truely put themselves out there if they have to. Her dad is a drug addict for the whole 17 years Ive known him. I have been seperated for 8 years now and been parenting all on my own. I have gotten alot stronger since she was 14. I just hope she doesn't o.d. now that she has worked her way up to dope. Shes did crack, oxys, morphine,percs, xans,vics, ugh list goes on ... now herione. I know her father taught her. She is moving so fast with this stuff. Just hope i can get her and her dad caught and have them both put in. Him being free doesn't do her any good either. Hopefully i can post back with better news weeks from now. Hate this life. But thankful im not alone!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((KSummer))) - before the crack, I did massive amounts of opiates. The stuff that killed Michael Jackson? I did it, and more (I was an RN, at the time...lost that career thanks to drugs).
I feel bad for what I put my dad through...he knew I was "turning tricks" (prostitution), homeless, etc. and I can only imagine the pain he went through. However, thanks to enough consequences building up, I found recovery. I just had my 4-year-"b'day" last month.
I should be dead...I never used heroin, but used morphine which is essentially the same thing. I'd shoot it up, pass out, wake up and push some more. I was beaten, got a few broken bones, choked, etc. while out on the streets.
You aren't alone. The people here are awesome. I came here, because I was an A (addict)...however, I was drawn to this forum because I was also a raging codie, and used the drugs to deal with what was going on in my codie relationships.
I pray your daughter hits her bottom soon. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I had not been let to feel my consequences, dig a really deep hole, and forced to find my own way out of it, I would not be here today. I'm STILL dealing with consequences, 4 years later, but I couldn't be happier. Bad days come and they go....there is always hope.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I feel bad for what I put my dad through...he knew I was "turning tricks" (prostitution), homeless, etc. and I can only imagine the pain he went through. However, thanks to enough consequences building up, I found recovery. I just had my 4-year-"b'day" last month.
I should be dead...I never used heroin, but used morphine which is essentially the same thing. I'd shoot it up, pass out, wake up and push some more. I was beaten, got a few broken bones, choked, etc. while out on the streets.
You aren't alone. The people here are awesome. I came here, because I was an A (addict)...however, I was drawn to this forum because I was also a raging codie, and used the drugs to deal with what was going on in my codie relationships.
I pray your daughter hits her bottom soon. I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I had not been let to feel my consequences, dig a really deep hole, and forced to find my own way out of it, I would not be here today. I'm STILL dealing with consequences, 4 years later, but I couldn't be happier. Bad days come and they go....there is always hope.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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