Habit

I have had NC with our 36 year old AD for several months. Basically, I sent her the "Dear Child" letter that is in the stickies on this website.

Today, she called and left a message on my a/m. In the message, she said, " I know you are not talking with me. I know you pray for me. I am asking that you pray for me as I start a new job tomorrow. " She went on to say, " I am only taking my Cymbalta." In the past she abused Ritalin, Klonopin, Adderall, and Xanex. She would use some to get high and the others as a downer. Prior to prescription drugs, she was a heroin addict.

Two times, in the message she told me that she loved me. I have played the message over and over. I know that is not healthy. But, gosh having NC is sooo hard. If I had my "rathers", I would pick up the phone and say, "Honey, I love you too. Let me pray with you." And, I would pray with her over the phone. But, in my spirit I know I should not respond. Yes, I have already prayed for her. My HP has heard my prayers even though she hasn't. But, my heart is so heavy. I love her so much.

Oh God, give me the Grace to "keep on keeping on".

Sweet SR friends, thank you for allowing me to vent.

laurie6781

If in fact she is off all of her substances and is only taking Cymbalta (which she may have to take the rest of her life, or one like it) and can maintain a job and is getting her act together, her actions will show over time.

You will know in your heart and head when it is time to return a phone call.

With me, it was 3 years into my continuous recovery before my mom decided I was 'serious' about recovery and that was ok, because once in recovery I understood she had to be sure, I had disappointed her for so many years.

Love and hugs,

katie44

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. So, heart breaking being the parent of an addict.
Prayers for you & your daughters recovery.

Dignity

Hi Habit, I hear you hon and sympathize from the bottpm of my heart. We have had almost no contact with our son since before Xmas. He is trying but until he shows he can live life on lifes terms it has to be this way. We have spent so many years worrying and helping and the only healthy thing we can do for ourselves now is 'wait"~~~I've had my tearful breakdowns but I know this is for the best. Stay strong and hopefully your daughter can start working on herslf and prove to you that she's ok now. Big hugs~

Kindeyes

Oh I do understand the pain in your mother's heart. Your daughter (and you) will be in my prayers. That was a nice message she left you. She loves you and she knows that you love her and that you're praying for her. That gives her comfort and you too.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

Ya know, I never went NC with my daughter. I did however, disengage and would not allow her to live in my home. Finding that balance was tough work on my part.

Habit

There are many reasons that I decided that it was time for NC. I guess if I had to summarize it, I would write...after riding on the roller coaster for 15 years, I had to get off to take care of my own health.

In the past, our lives were in danger. Her drug dealer boy friend came to our home at 2:00 am and she left with him. She was living with us at the time. My daughter had already warned us that if we went to the police(I knew his name) that he and his friends would kill us. Mr. Habit and I went to the police and she went into rehab. That occurred 4 years ago. She stayed sober for awhile. But, eventually she switched her DOC from heroin to prescription drugs.

In January, she lived with us for two weeks while she recovered from having a miscarriage (twins). The father of the babies was another drug addict boyfriend who physically abused her. At the end of the two weeks we told her that she had to move out. The verbal abuse was non stop. She walked around in a stupor most of the time. (high on prescription drugs) When she left she continued to leave messages and send e-mails that were abusive. She forwarded to me an article on "abusive mothers". Her cousin had sent it to her. She also is an addict. And, DFACS is involved in her life due to her relationship with her two small children. And, I am thinking...and I??? am an abusive mother. When she is high, she always refers to me as "Mommy". She is referring to "mommy dearest". When she is sober...I am the best mother in the world. I concluded that enough is enough.

Mr. Habit and I are in our 60's.

One time in counseling our pastor looked at her and pointed to Mr. Habit and me. He said, "Nobody loves you more than those two people sitting right there." She knows we love her. I know she loves us.

Addiction is a cruel disease!

I want to thank everyone on SR for their kind remarks, prayers, and support. I know that I am not alone.

Kindeyes

Habit
We each have to choose what we need to do in order to deal with our addicted loved ones and we have to choose what is healthiest for us. Some will choose NC and some will not. There is no judgement is what we choose to do. We are here to support you in whatever difficult decisions you make.

I do understand loving an adult addicted child who has made one destructive decision after another and that it is far too painful to watch from up close. I do understand not being able to engage with the A because historically it always becomes mentally or psychologically abusive. I do understand that NC is sometimes the only way that we can protect ourselves because we are human and cannot always be perfectly strong.

Keep doing whatever you need to do for you. And may your daughter continue to find a positive direction. And yes.....there's no doubt that our addicted children know that we love them. No doubt.

You and your daughter will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke

keepinon

Take as much time as YOU need with no contact.This is not about what she does or doesn't do in the moment..this is about years of trauma and YOUR need for healing right now.I know I used to feel like if I didn't applaud every time my daughter did the tiniest thing that I worried she would spiral..guess what..I don't have that kind of power and neither do you..being a grown up means you do things because you are supposed to..you are responsible..not to get our parents approval.If she is serious, belive me, you will know later..there is no rush.

Habit

keepinon, thank you.:ghug3 My emotional and physical state was deteriorating. Even though the NC has been very difficult. In some ways, it has been liberating. I feel like I can "breathe". Yes, of course my heart is heavy. But, I have hope that one day I will make that call.

Right now, I believe it is none of my business if she is using or if she is sober. She is an adult. She has the tools. It is her journey.

My journey is to allow my HP to change me.

keepinon

Bravo!Now THAT is what recovery sounds like!:day6 What a gift!

hope2be

Habit: I was feeling very low this am because of a phone call from one of my adult children saying he had not slept in 4 days. I felt the overwhelming need to nurture although he is miles away. I do not know if it is drugs or mental illness or having grown up in dysfunction.
All I know is that I cannot give him medication to sleep, I cannot comfort him by staying up with him and I cannot get into his mind and clear it up so he can rest. I cannot wrestle with the demons that keep him awake.

You have inspired me this morning. I am taking care of myself and not calling back to see if he is ok. I am not going to obsess over this as I have so many times in the past. The Serenity Prayer is my defense right now.

And...if I cannot stay on course with this, I too may have to decide to go NC with him also.

Huggs

Habit

(((hope2be))),

Thank you for your kind words.

I am praying for you and your son.

Hunny1116

Oh, Habit.... I've been away and only saw your post tonight.

I went NC with my AS for several months. After 18 years, his addiction and my addiction to rescuing him was literally killing me and slowly destroying my marriage. I made the decision to go no contact and work on my own program of recovery. For me, it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Like the addict, when I got serious about my own recovery, I began to grow and things in my life began to change for the better. My son and I now have limited contact.

No, it's not for everyone. And, as Cynical pointed out, motives must be examined. But, as you have seen, it is a way for us to protect and even nourish ourselves.

with love,
Hunny

Habit

Hunny,

It is so good to know that I am not alone as I travel my journey.

The support from SR has been tremendous.

I believe God is working in our lives and in the lives of our addicted children.

With love,
Habit

"Good habits are hard to develop but easy to live with". Bad habits are easy to develop but hard to live with." ~ Brian Tracy