summer017

It's been 8 months since I moved and my addict boyfriend and I ended things. It has been almost 8 months since we have spoken. When I left he had 5 months sobriety at an inpatient center. I have no idea his status right now, but am pretty certain he is back home (and if that's the case, not trying to be negative, but the setting does not provide for sobriety). In three weeks I will be returning home to visit friends and family and have been struggling with thoughts about running into him.

I was in a horrible state of codependency while we were together, and towards the end.. drained, weak and a shadow of the person I really am. I can say that the distance and no communication has changed me for the better. But, I still feel strong emotion towards the thought seeing him, being with him or the mere sight of him. No other man seems to compare to him and I still have dreams about him. I have definitely made a huge amount of progress in moving on, but I can see that the road is very long.

Regardless of everything, he is still my addiction after a stretch of sobriety.

I fight with wanting him close and needing to push him away. I am struggling with the fact that I know if we both lived out the rest of our lives without ever having contact with each other again, it would be for the best. But there is still that strong part of me that just wants to hold him in my arms again and know that everything was going to be okay... <-- Unfortunately, that's me in my little bubble world.

Even though we ended things on great terms, I don't think I can have him in my life. I don't think I will ever be strong enough to have him near me without reverting back to my codependent self. This is completely out of character for me to even say, as I have never cut someone out of my life before - but when it comes to him, there is no way I can have him back in my life with the chance of having to watch him slowly kill himself again. I cannot go back to that place. I love him and myself too much.

It's horrible as I am reminded of him over and over again as it's getting closer and closer to me returning home.

I keep reading and re-reading Letting Go of Worry.

Just needed to vent all that!

xo
summer

Kindeyes

Vent away Summer. All I can say is that when my gut speaks.......I listen......and when I don't, I usually regret it.

gentle hugs
ke

Rooberri

I'm sorry that you are struggeling right now~

I'm still learning as I go but here is some food for thought that may help:

Sometimes when you can't make your heart match your head (feelings versus logic) you have to make a choice.

Keep making the healthy choice ! one foot in front of the other, a day a time!

Sending prayers for strength~

Roo

Babyblue

Give yourself credit for having grown and discovered things in that time. Even if you did run into him, I doubt you'd run right into his arms. We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Do what you need to do to continue to take care of yourself. You've done well so far!