4everchanging

Hi everyone!

I am new here... well I have been lurking here for about 8 or 9 months and haven't yet posted anything. This forum has given me a lot of incite into my own relationship problems with my af but now I am looking for some advice. My story is so long that I am not sure where to start. A little backround...

I started dating my AF about 2 and a half years ago. We had grown up together and were long time friends. We drifted apart when he started using hard core drugs and then ended up a heroin addict. I was sad to think where his life had led him and when I herd he had become sober again we rekindled our friendship. I had just come out of a long relationship (8 years) with someone and we had a little boy together. He had just turned two when I left his father.

Our friendship soon developed into a loving relationship but I should have listened to those voices inside my head and all my friends that warned me about him. I knew if he relapsed we didn't stand a chance. He reassured me he would never go back and he made me so damn happy that I ignored all of them. Big mistake!!!

Well he did relapse after a wonderful year together and I knew pretty much right away... he denied till he was blue in the face. We got engaged around that time then a few months later I was pregnant.

Fast forward to now a lot has happened and I'm sure you can guess what my life has been like with an active addict. I stood by him time and time again through all the lies and broken promises, the two arrests. He entered rehab for thirty days around Christmas time and relapsed two days after being home.

Something in me has changed, the way I feel about him has changed. I am disgusted with him and I don't feel sorry for him anymore. He is a completely different man than the one I fell in love with. We have a six month old son together and at this point I just want to move on with my life. I have accepted what he is and that he will never change for me. I have also accepted that we will never have a future together. The problem is I can't get him to leave and having two small children I am not willing to leave either.

The other night he flipped out because I had made a comment. I said "see this is why I don't want to be with you anymore!" I had the kids and he started smashing anything he could get his hands on. I called the police and they said I should get a PFA and then I could legally get him removed from the house. His family is no longer talking to him and he has no where to go. They keep telling me not to get the PFA because then he will just have someone else to blame for all this. They said if he continues to use he will end up in jail soon enough and then he will have no one to blame but himself.

The problem is he claims he is trying to get sober that he wants this last chance to get it right. He says he would be lost without me and that I am his only reason for trying. I've heard it all before and I'm not buying any of it! I haven't seen him high in a few weeks but he's not doing anything to get help.

Should I get the PFA? Sorry this post is so long!

suki44883

If you don't believe anything he is telling you, then yes, I would go ahead and get the PFA. If you are done, then be done.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us.

I can't really answer your question....only you can really decide what to do. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this situation. Living with and loving an addict is hard. Add two small children to the mix and it's tougher still.

You do have choices. You do have options. Think things through and make decisions that are best for yourself and your children. In theory, your AF is an adult and can take care of himself. But those babies need you to make good decisions for them.

As far as the things that he is saying......they all say that. It's like they are reading from the same play book. So much of what they say is manipulation to guilt us into continuing to help them so that they can continue to use.

Take care of yourself and those little ones.....and know that you are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

I would not hesitate to get the PFA.

Sad that his family seems to think endangering young children is somehow acceptable. Perhaps what they really fear is that he will show up on their doorstep.

He is not using at you and cannot get straight for you.

His addiction has nothng to do with you or the kids.

Your head is on straight. You sound like one sharp lady. Do what's best for these kids.

jen13

I am new here as well but I can relate to your story. If you feel that you are done with the relationship then you should take the proper steps in making sure that you and your children are safe. I know how it is to have the "in-law" family turn away from you. I am pretty sure I am getting ready to go down that same road. However, they dont live with him, they havent dealt with it and they dont know what you have been through. It changes a person, I know it has changed me. Good luck to you and just remember to follow what your heart is telling you. Dont let anyone get in your head and tell you that you are making the wrong decision. I know, easier said then done!

4everchanging

I totally know what you are saying here suki44883 and you are right if I am done then I know what needs to be done. The problem is I am scared. I'm scared of what he could do. I'm scared that he will make my life harder. Every time I have kicked him out he seeks revenge and destroys something of mine. He broke into my house and poured water in a brand new tv after the last time I kicked him out. I know the PFA will put him in jail for anything he does but I don't think it will stop him from an initial attack. Who will pay for the things he destroys if he is in jail. I worry about him doing something to my car. Flattening my tires or breaking my windshield. How can I even prove it was him if he does that? I need to cover all bases because he is very smart and I need to think about what he is likely to do before it happens.

4everchanging

Thank you so much kindeyes for your words of support and encouragement. I am ready to let go now but wasn't ready to let go before... people have asked me why I haven't left already? The answer was I still believed he would change, I still loved him and I couldn't let go of all those dreams I had for us. It still is hard letting go but there comes a time when enough is enough.

I really think I would feel differently if I felt he was trying to do the right thing. When he went to rehab I was so proud of him for taking that step. I said when he got back that I couldn't handle a relapse. It was just too far for me to fall. I feel like he didn't even try to stay sober. I feel like he has been playing me for a fool this whole time. I don't want to be his fool anymore!