to do or not to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: fl
Posts: 37
to do or not to do
hello everyone.. its been about a month since i have posted anything but i have a question that i need help on. I have my 18 month old granddaughter living with me due to the fact that me AD cannot take care of her so the major question I have is when she text me wanting to know if I can bring her daughter over to see her for a little bit what should my answer be? I think that it should be no but my mother says there is no harm in letting her see her cause one of us will always be with her. my thinking is she choose to walk away from her daughter and contuine with her drugs her choice.. So why should she beable to see her daughter when she is feeling down. this is not an everyday thing she text me about once or twice a week to ask but like this week nothing.. everytime my granddaughter does see her she gets very sad and has a hard time after for a couple of days. am i wrong in wanting to keep her away??
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Just my opinion, but a parent in active addiction is just a detriment to the child. I think putting the granddaughters needs first are the most important thing..I wouldn't withhold visitation to punish my daughter, but I wouldn't give visitation if it was negatively affecting my granddaughter...FOR SURE I wouldn't be the one making an effort by "taking her " over there..she could get on a bus and see her child .is there any real effort being made on you daughters part? If not, a simple.."I'm very busy, you may come here for a half hour" might stop the whole thing..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 5
I would say no....She choose to continue using. I went thru the same thing w/my daughter and each time she felt guilty or down and ot she want to see her son and daughter. Everytime the kids saw her they would be so sad and upset that it was better not seeing her.
We never spoke ill of our daughter to them but they were old enough to know what mom was doing. All you can do is keep the safe, loved and have stucture in their lives everyday until your daughter comes around. It hurts so bad at times but I thank GOD everyday that my grandchildren have us if not only HE knows where they would be.
GOD Bless
We never spoke ill of our daughter to them but they were old enough to know what mom was doing. All you can do is keep the safe, loved and have stucture in their lives everyday until your daughter comes around. It hurts so bad at times but I thank GOD everyday that my grandchildren have us if not only HE knows where they would be.
GOD Bless
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I say NO. You should not have to run, nor do you need to run when she calls.
This is one of the CONSEQUENCES of her ACTIONS of using drugs.
It is not good for the grand baby and it is not good for you.
When your Mom gets on the subject maybe suggest she attend some AlAnon meetings, but you can explain to her that this is one of your boundaries to protect your grand baby. Your AD has to be clean and on the road of recovery before she can interact with her child.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps Thank you so much for stepping in and protecting that beautiful child!!!!
This is one of the CONSEQUENCES of her ACTIONS of using drugs.
It is not good for the grand baby and it is not good for you.
When your Mom gets on the subject maybe suggest she attend some AlAnon meetings, but you can explain to her that this is one of your boundaries to protect your grand baby. Your AD has to be clean and on the road of recovery before she can interact with her child.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
ps Thank you so much for stepping in and protecting that beautiful child!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Another vote for NO.
I found myself shuttling my daughter to and from her father's house every week-end and 1 night a week, because he demanded it and felt he deserved it. I provided diapers, wipes, food, a sippy with BM, change of clothing, etc. I also timed visitation to fit his drinking schedule...the weeknight visit feel through rather fast because he wanted to get to his drinking and suggested I pick DD up almost as soon as she got dropped of. The week-end visit happened early Sunday afternoons, when he was less likely to be hung over and not likely to have drunk yet. Crazy huh?
Even though my visitations were court ordered, my custody settlement did not indicate that I had to drive over to XAH's place, and it did specify that if I found visitation to be unsafe, that I had the right to refuse.
The same applies to you. Let your daughter find the money and get on a bus to see her child. You're already doing a lot by caring for your grandchild.
I found myself shuttling my daughter to and from her father's house every week-end and 1 night a week, because he demanded it and felt he deserved it. I provided diapers, wipes, food, a sippy with BM, change of clothing, etc. I also timed visitation to fit his drinking schedule...the weeknight visit feel through rather fast because he wanted to get to his drinking and suggested I pick DD up almost as soon as she got dropped of. The week-end visit happened early Sunday afternoons, when he was less likely to be hung over and not likely to have drunk yet. Crazy huh?
Even though my visitations were court ordered, my custody settlement did not indicate that I had to drive over to XAH's place, and it did specify that if I found visitation to be unsafe, that I had the right to refuse.
The same applies to you. Let your daughter find the money and get on a bus to see her child. You're already doing a lot by caring for your grandchild.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
thank you parentneeds help for your post and also everyone who answered.
this post is an answer to my prayers. i have been away from home for 2 wks now due to my husband's addiction to cocaine and staying with my parents. my kids are 4 and 1 and he did not see them since we left.
he has also been demanding that he be allowed to see the kids, since according to him he has a right to. i either do not answer his calls/texts or say no b/c it is not good for the kids.
this is not the first time i left. in the past i would go see him or allow him to meet us at the park, etc. it was very devastating for my 4 yr old girl, b/c she adores him and misses him terribly as is.
every time she would see him it would make her cry and be sad and have to "start over" the whole process.
so thank you for all who responded b/c it reiterates to me that i am in the right by putting my children first.
also the emotional stress on me was great. not to mention the idea of his drug friends/users/dealers coming around if i was to leave the kids w/ him.
the risks are just too great, and the children are just too precious for this kind of thing.
also kudos on stepping up and taking care of your granddaughter. it takes strength and courage to just get through the day sometimes.
take care and God bless.
this post is an answer to my prayers. i have been away from home for 2 wks now due to my husband's addiction to cocaine and staying with my parents. my kids are 4 and 1 and he did not see them since we left.
he has also been demanding that he be allowed to see the kids, since according to him he has a right to. i either do not answer his calls/texts or say no b/c it is not good for the kids.
this is not the first time i left. in the past i would go see him or allow him to meet us at the park, etc. it was very devastating for my 4 yr old girl, b/c she adores him and misses him terribly as is.
every time she would see him it would make her cry and be sad and have to "start over" the whole process.
so thank you for all who responded b/c it reiterates to me that i am in the right by putting my children first.
also the emotional stress on me was great. not to mention the idea of his drug friends/users/dealers coming around if i was to leave the kids w/ him.
the risks are just too great, and the children are just too precious for this kind of thing.
also kudos on stepping up and taking care of your granddaughter. it takes strength and courage to just get through the day sometimes.
take care and God bless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
This is just my opinion - which is based on my experience: We want our children to have their parents in their lives but sometimes it's not in the childs best interest. If you know your daughter is sick with the disease addiction the best thing to do is keep your granddaughter away from her until she gets better. Addiction makes people very unreliable and unstable and it's not fair to the kids to be exposed to that kind of behavior or treatment. Kids internalize it - even at the early age of 18 months - and they think it's their fault their parent is inconsistent. It hurts. It's better to wait until the parent is well on the way to recovery, and able to be a consistent presense in their childs life, before we let them be around the children that we love and are entrusted with protecting.
Kids don't need their parents coming in and out of their life on a whim.
Plus, a text message?! Give me a break.
Kids don't need their parents coming in and out of their life on a whim.
Plus, a text message?! Give me a break.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: fl
Posts: 37
Thank you everyone for your responses...my gut tells me NO so i will go with that feeling. She did text me again yesterday asking to see her and i just said i need you to think of this first. when she comes to see you it takes a couple of days for her to get back to normal and i feel it would be best until you are ready to be in her life on a regular basis and clean then it would be fine. she did not text back but i am ok with that. she knows i am right in what i am saying one way or another she knows..again thank you everyone i love this place 
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