Feeling a bit strange...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Feeling a bit strange...
I hesitate to even post this! Late last year I filed for a legal sep from my AH. In Dec we went through an expedited order and I was able to take possession of our home and custody of our kids. In early March I finalized the legal sep. NOW my AH seems to want to maybe talk...is willing to see someone with me.
The crazy thing is that I think I am FINALLY in a different place in my life. I no longer want to compromise on anything but that which brings peace to my life. 5+ years of craziness and his drug and alcohol addiction took a horrible toll on me. Only now, after having been on my own for a little over 3 months can I see some peace on the horizon. I pray I have let go. It feels like I have...I don't obsess over him much anymore. I don't worry non-stop about where he is, and what he is doing. I have discovered that despite not really working consistently, he is living with a friend for free, etc. that he seems to consistently find money to go to the bars. That is a sign for me that I can't just let him walk back into our lives. I say "our" in that we have two young children.
I am finding solace and a strange happiness in little things. I can look back and realize how I compromised so much more than I ever knew. He would always tell me how selfish I was, out for myself, blah, blah.
Well...let's just say that I am enjoying making choices that I withheld because of him:
*I love having my kitty back inside! He didn't want our cats in our house after we moved in (they were inside/outside cats) so I caved. Now my poor remaining kitty is elderly and struggling, and I'm happy to make his life comfortable! Plus my kids are loving having him close.
*I can choose to keep the garage door closed...see, I told you this was little stuff, lol
*I can choose to keep the darn windows closed right now in the height of allergy season. I used to ask for this all the time, only to come home from work to a house with every window open! This weekend my allergies hit and you know what? I not only kept the windows closed, I even turned on the air a bit, lol.
It is really a wake up call to see little things come to life for me. And yeah, there is big stuff that I let go by. Ugh...I am slowing climbing out of the hole.
But, really, just wonder if there is even a chance for us anymore. I do still love him. I sure would love for us to be together to train up our kids. But, definitely sure I can't have anymore chaos in my life. Just not sure if he'll ever do the steps to get there. How do you even tread in this direction??? I am very confused with myself at the moment.
Anyway, not sure what I want with this post! Maybe just getting some thoughts out. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
The crazy thing is that I think I am FINALLY in a different place in my life. I no longer want to compromise on anything but that which brings peace to my life. 5+ years of craziness and his drug and alcohol addiction took a horrible toll on me. Only now, after having been on my own for a little over 3 months can I see some peace on the horizon. I pray I have let go. It feels like I have...I don't obsess over him much anymore. I don't worry non-stop about where he is, and what he is doing. I have discovered that despite not really working consistently, he is living with a friend for free, etc. that he seems to consistently find money to go to the bars. That is a sign for me that I can't just let him walk back into our lives. I say "our" in that we have two young children.
I am finding solace and a strange happiness in little things. I can look back and realize how I compromised so much more than I ever knew. He would always tell me how selfish I was, out for myself, blah, blah.
Well...let's just say that I am enjoying making choices that I withheld because of him:
*I love having my kitty back inside! He didn't want our cats in our house after we moved in (they were inside/outside cats) so I caved. Now my poor remaining kitty is elderly and struggling, and I'm happy to make his life comfortable! Plus my kids are loving having him close.
*I can choose to keep the garage door closed...see, I told you this was little stuff, lol
*I can choose to keep the darn windows closed right now in the height of allergy season. I used to ask for this all the time, only to come home from work to a house with every window open! This weekend my allergies hit and you know what? I not only kept the windows closed, I even turned on the air a bit, lol.
It is really a wake up call to see little things come to life for me. And yeah, there is big stuff that I let go by. Ugh...I am slowing climbing out of the hole.
But, really, just wonder if there is even a chance for us anymore. I do still love him. I sure would love for us to be together to train up our kids. But, definitely sure I can't have anymore chaos in my life. Just not sure if he'll ever do the steps to get there. How do you even tread in this direction??? I am very confused with myself at the moment.
Anyway, not sure what I want with this post! Maybe just getting some thoughts out. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 37
You might could replace "strange" with "liberated" ??? I promise - I know that feeling of strange.
It will soon change to hope, and then strength and you can start walking on your way to peace and a joy that you may have not even ever felt before.
I guess I'm saying that strange (in this situation) is good - it means change, it means different.
I'm so happy for you that you are "climbing" up out of the hole!
Stay focused and keep moving forward!
Roo
It will soon change to hope, and then strength and you can start walking on your way to peace and a joy that you may have not even ever felt before.
I guess I'm saying that strange (in this situation) is good - it means change, it means different.
I'm so happy for you that you are "climbing" up out of the hole!
Stay focused and keep moving forward!
Roo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by newnormal4me 
NOW my AH seems to want to maybe talk...is willing to see someone with me.
Our actions, not the talk, define us.
I have discovered that despite not really working consistently, he is living with a friend for free, etc. that he seems to consistently find money to go to the bars. That is a sign for me that I can't just let him walk back into our lives. I say "our" in that we have two young children.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Hey newnormal,
If you typed that your AH has been clean and sober for a year, has been working on himself and had a program, has established a "home" for himself, and came to you in an adult manner wanting to know if you would be willing to go to a few therapy sessions together. Maybe it would sound reasonable to entertain the idea of finding common ground to work together to raise your children, with no pressure (hopeful feelings) about anything more than that now. BUT . . . he's drinking ? ? ? what's the point.
Your life sounds serene and wonderful and hopeful and promising . . . what more could you need or even want.
If you typed that your AH has been clean and sober for a year, has been working on himself and had a program, has established a "home" for himself, and came to you in an adult manner wanting to know if you would be willing to go to a few therapy sessions together. Maybe it would sound reasonable to entertain the idea of finding common ground to work together to raise your children, with no pressure (hopeful feelings) about anything more than that now. BUT . . . he's drinking ? ? ? what's the point.
Your life sounds serene and wonderful and hopeful and promising . . . what more could you need or even want.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Thanks for the thoughts everyone!
And OTL and JMFBurns, yeah, what you state is why I make my mom crazy. And, probably why I am not too keen on it all myself. So, I get the point. It is just so hard to let someone go that has been in my life for 20 years! I'm amazed at where I am really. I have made incredible progress. I actually never believed I could really go through with this and I did. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and pray for strength. It's crazy to read back thru what I wrote! I mean, yeah, he is NOT consistently working...AND still going to bars...AND not paying the support that is court ordered. Yikes!
And OTL and JMFBurns, yeah, what you state is why I make my mom crazy. And, probably why I am not too keen on it all myself. So, I get the point. It is just so hard to let someone go that has been in my life for 20 years! I'm amazed at where I am really. I have made incredible progress. I actually never believed I could really go through with this and I did. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and pray for strength. It's crazy to read back thru what I wrote! I mean, yeah, he is NOT consistently working...AND still going to bars...AND not paying the support that is court ordered. Yikes!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
