milo88

Hello,
I've been reading other people's posts and am amazed at how much I can relate to, but I still feel confused. My ex died almost two years ago as a result of alcoholism and drug abuse. I still feel incredibly sad about what happened to him, and am still recovering from the years of chaos and confusion before he died.
An old friend of mine who also struggled/struggles (not sure) with addictions became really abusive to me during the time he was sick. She felt I abandoned her (maybe?) or that I'd "changed". I was seeing a counsellor to deal with what was happening, and I guess I did change. I was struggling with the label of codependent and trying to be a "healthier" person, and trying to get some kind of normality into my life (!!!!) It wasn't really possible with the stuff that was going on, but I suppose what I'm saying is I wasn't just reacting to everything in my old way.
Anyway, she had abused me in the past and we'd kind of just both gotten past it although I didn't really trust her as I used to any more, but at that time I had so much else going on I kind of put up my hand and said No!!!
I cut her out of my life.
Gah! It's so hard to explain everything. What I'm getting to is she STILL contacts me occasionally to tell me how much I hurt her and attacks my character in really painful ways. She says she hasn't had anything to do with drugs for years - which may be true because I haven't seen her for years now - but it makes me so confused!! Because I think if she's not on drugs wouldn't she understand by now what happened and why??
If someone recovers from an addiction do their thinking processes recover too?
I came here because I am still having trouble dealing with what happened to my ex, but she contacted via email the other day and it sent me spinning again into confusion.
I grew up with this girl. That's what makes it so hard. She hints at suicide, and how I will have no right to grieve her when she goes. I feel crazy because I can't handle the thought of losing someone else I've been so close to in a horrible way, and especially if she blames me. I feel like she's torturing me emotionally. I did respond in the end, and tried to explain AGAIN why I feel the way I do, and to please just let it go.
It's hard to write this. I don't know why but apart from feeling angry and hurt, I feel ashamed. I don't know anyone else who's been through this.

outtolunch

She sounds like a manipulative, abusive whack job.

You don't owe her anything, including a response.

Seriously consider cutting this cancer out of your life. Block her emails.

Kindeyes

Milo88
Welcome to SR........I'm so sorry that you have experienced the worst of outcomes from addiction/alcoholism.

As far as the friend goes.....people can stop drinking/drugging and not change behaviors and she may fall into that category. Whatever choices she makes in her life, including to end it if she chooses to do so, are not your responsibility. If someone commits suicide or threatens it just because we don't do something the way they want us to or say what they want us to say or behave the way they want us to behave.......they are either very manipulative or mentally ill. Either way, you are not responsible for their choices or actions.

There are toxic people out there. Some more so than others. Some are people are toxic to me but they may not be toxic to someone else. I'm the one who decides whether someone is being a positive or negative influence in my life......and they don't get to vote.

You have a lot of healing to do and there are people out there who can truly support you with friendship. Seek them out.

gentle hugs

Impurrfect

(((Milo))) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.

As ((Kindeyes)) mentioned, A's (addicts) CAN stop using, but continue with the irrational behaviors. With an alcoholic, they're called a "dry drunk".

I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie. When I first quit using, I didn't change any of my behaviors, was angry at the world, and eventually relapsed. That was the bottom I needed to seek recovery.

I know you've grown up with this girl, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with her verbal/emotional abuse. I thinks she's either mentally ill, and/or she's picked you to blame everything on.

I would go NC (no contact) with her...don't accept her calls, delete texts/e-mails, and let her go. If she chooses to commit suicide, that is her choice and, in no way, your fault. If you do keep in contact with her and she talks about suicide, I'd call 911 on her and let her deal with the consequences.

You've been through a really hard time, and you don't deserve this. Toxic people are very, very bad for us. You can't fix her, you are not the cause of her problems, and you can't change her. She has to do that for herself.

I have a stepmom who is chronically depressed and really likes her pills to numb herself out. She was raised by, then married an alcoholic. I tried, forever, to boost her self esteem, but finally gave up. She is making the choice to be miserable, and it's taken me a lot of time on SR to realize that I can't do anything about it.

Thanks to my own addiction, and the hole I dug myself into, I live with her and my dad. I love her dearly, but I've learned to detach from her issues....again, thanks to the great people here. I've watched her pass out from too many pills, several times, and I finally told her that I will make sure she is breathing (I was an RN before losing that career from my addiction) but I will let her lay where she is. My dad is also a codie, but he finally got to that point, too. She hasn't done that in quite a while.

You deserve a life free of toxic people. You really, really do. When someone has our head spinning around in circles, it's time to take steps to get out of that situation.

It's hard, letting them go, but totally possible. Keep reading/posting here and you'll learn how to let her go.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

pacificsunrise

Milo88,

i am sorry for your loss. i am currently battling my own codependency from my addict husband.

i agree w/ others. you don't owe her anything and she has abused you enough for several lifetimes. if she does talk about suicide, call 911 like Impurrfect said.

for your sake and your sanity, you have to cut her loose. she is just like another addict in your life (whether she's using or not) who is trying to do anything to manipulate you. she probably knows how to say just the right stuff to get to you.

stay strong and think of yourself. there is nothing wrong w/ wanting to take care and better yourself, no matter what anyone says.

hugs and prayers. stay strong.

JMFburns

Milo,

I'm sorry for the loss of your ex.

I'm sorry that your friend is making you feel so sad, confused, etc.

Maybe some AlAnon or NarAnon meetings might shed some light of the stuggles you are feeling with this friend. Or a few appts. with a therapist to try to uncover why you feel any obligation to let your friend "abuse" you emotionally. It isn't fair. In the circumstances you describe, you losing a loved one to addiction, you certainly don't deserve to be treated harshly by this friend.

Keep posting here, there is plenty of supportive people.

hello-kitty

Some people are just sick and abusive - on drugs or off. I've had to cut friends out of my life because of it. My boundaries are not based on whether or not a person uses drugs. My boundaries are based on my values and the way I want to be treated by others. They also define how I will treat others:

I value treating people with respect and basic human dignity. Likewise, I will not allow myself to be disrespected by other people. If someone treats me in a way that is demeaning or disrespectful, I will not let them be a part of my life.

milo88

Thanks to everyone who replied. It's so nice to be able to talk about it and feel supported.
To the question of why I have felt obliged in the past to let my friend abuse me - that's something I'm trying to unravel, and is not simple - as with most things! Maybe because I've known her since I was a child and certain bad habits developed, but also I think because when she first started using drugs I did put up with a lot - she seemed too traumatised to bring anything up with her, and I thought it would be short-lived. But it wasn't. It went on and on and on.
It has been a huge learning curve, this whole journey with her and with my ex too, so I find out what I thought was loving someone was really just giving implicit approval - maybe??? I still don't know.
All I know is my self esteem is shot to pieces.
What happened with my ex was bad enough because I really did try so hard to help him, and it was all on my plate because nobody else was in there - including all the so-called services. I did not want him to die, but as it turns out I couldn't stop it anyway.
I am confused. I did get labelled codependent, but I don't know what else I could have done because there was no support for me or for him, and I did love him, and he really needed to know someone did still love him. He used to lay his head on my shoulder and cry. I still miss him so much, he was really my very best friend. )-:
But maybe I just never knew really enough about boundaries.
This old friend of mine, I once did love her too. Maybe deep down I still do because it hurts SO much.
I hate drugs!!! That's about the only thing I'm really sure of right now!

pacificsunrise

dear milo88,

good job on trying to get to the bottom of confusion. confusion can last a long time, but it is not permanent. it will get better.

don't be too hard on yourself. you love your ex and your friend and you gave your best. sometimes, though, your best is not enough and that is because we cannot control other people, no matter how much we love them and care for them. we can see the black hole that they are falling into and we try to stop them. over and over again.

in the meantime, we forget about ourselves and our needs, b/c obviously we are not on the edge of the black hole, so we don't need it. the truth is we do need it just as much, it's just that nobody notices our suffering.

i am struggling with all this stuff myself. some days are better than others. i am trying to remember how much fun and joy it used to bring me being able to just take care of myself.

hugs and prayers. stay strong.

milo88

Well, as it turns out I should not have responded. I got back a barrage of crazy-making abuse where everything was turned around and twisted. She even went so far as to say I am mentally ill that I see things the way I do, and went even further and rang my poor mother!!!
The one good thing, and yet again the sad thing, to come out of this is that my remaining feelings of compassion are gone. I have realised I am not as strong as I thought I was, as this recent event has had a terrible effect on me, even to the point of feeling fear now, and beginning to doubt my own sanity.
I am lucky to have the mother I have. She spent hours with me breaking down all over the place.
I think this person is seriously dangerous now. I even think I have to move from where I am to leave no cracks where she can get to me.
I have been on the edge since my ex died, but I feel like I've fallen over that edge now. Am hoping I can climb back up.
The manipulation and the emotional abuse that comes from her feels scary and evil and I cannot fight that!
How did I get here? I'm so angry and so sad, I feel so hurt!!!!
No more trying to understand!
Thank you for letting me vent!!!!!!!!!!

Freedom1990

Since I don't have much time to peruse SR these days, I do a hit and miss thing on posts, and am so glad I clicked on your thread.

Recently I had a childhood friend contact me on Facebook. I talked to my therapist about this very thing last week.

The bottom line is, this friend is not healthy for me. Thankfully she lives clear across the state from me, and does not have my telephone number.

I'll tell you what has helped me in all areas of my life, and that is Alanon. I have an ex who also died a few years ago as a result of his addictions. I am also a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, I have a daughter who's an active addict, and another daughter who's an untreated codependent.

I would have lost my ever-loving mind had it not been for the program of Alanon. It has taught me a whole lot about self-care, and setting boundaries with others.

An excellent book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. See if you can't get your hands on that and give it a go.

You are not alone. I know what it's like to have someone toxic chew you up and spit you out.

milo88

Thanks Freedom! I'm really glad you clicked on my message too, and really sorry about the loss also of your ex. My ex wasn't like this person. it's been a hard journey since he died )-:

thequest

No right to grieve when she goes? huh, telling you how to react after the fact??

Telling you how you abused her? uh, sounds the other way around

abandoned her?, the fact that you had somekind of contact says otherwise.


Our problem has that attitude to several relatives who don't like his attitude. He also thinks he didn't get enough sympathy & attention from them for being layed off during a holiday dinner.

And since most talk to distant relative a couple of times a year he's upset they aren't calling him monthly " in his time of need ". He acts like he was the only one in the family ever layed off from a job.

Certain people will never get it. They may get sober but they will never get it.