sue87

Hello everyone, I'm hoping someone here can give me so advice about a year ago I met and fell in love with a man I believed was a recoving user of rx pain meds. About a month ago I found out differently that he had been using the time we've been together alone with some heavier drugs. After me begging him to get help or I was leaving him he checks himself into a hospital staying for only five days and is on a waiting list for rehab. The poblem is I believe he is using again and only did this to get me off his back. My question is can he ever change or do I just need to give up on him and move on. He says that he loves me and wants to marry me.

hello-kitty

Hi Welcome. Many of us share your story. There are many seemingly wonderful, loving people who are addicted to drugs... and it ruins their lives. And if they are married, it ruins the life of their spouse as well. Loving someone will not cure their addiction.

When it comes to judging whether or not someone is committed to recovery, the best indication is to stop listening to their words and watch their actions. Unfortunately, addicts can't be trusted to tell the truth but their actions don't lie. Actions not words.

And yes, drugs addicts can get better but only if they want to. And only with a lot of hard work and commitment. And there are no guarantees that relapse won't happen. Recovery has to be a lifetime effort. You have to want it more than you want to use drugs. Most people don't find recovery until they've hit bottom and the pain that using drugs causes is worse than the pain that not using drugs causes. It's different for everyone.

Unfortunately you really have no control over what he does or whether or not he is committed to recovery. Trying to figure it out will drive you crazy. The only thing you can control is yourself and the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in a relationship.

One person put it so well on a post the other day. We are really into self-care on this website. We are also really into self-preservation. You cannot save an addict. You cannot cure an addict. You cannot control an addict. You have to take care of you. The best way that I know how to do this is to set firm personal boundaries about the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in your life. And then make sure that you are clear about the actions you will take if someone violates those boundaries.

Anyway, read all you can on this website. It's bound to be helpful. You may also want to look into Alanon. It's a support group for the friends and family members of addicts. There is also a highly recommended book out there called "Co-dependent No More" which has great advice when it comes to relationships with addicts and how to handle yourself.

outtolunch

This has nothing to do with addiction and all to do with how lot of women view themselves.

Either we chose or hope to get chosen. There is a difference.

As kitty mentioned, there is a disconnect between what he's saying and doing.
Ultimatums are attempts to control other people. They almost always backfire and then we get into the whole " he chose drugs over me" thing. Reality is addiction chooses drugs over all else.

Only you can decide if you value yourself more than playing second fiddle to addiction.

CheekyAngel

Hi,

Change IS possible... The thing is some people never change...

It is up to him to put the effort in and get clean. Remember that - up to him.

You done a brave and couragous thing by leaving him before. And if it comes to that again remember you have the courage and power to do it again.

I dont really have any advice for you, but dont let yourself get sucked into his addictions, by that meaning caring and looking after his every need.

It is his time to chose what he wants. It will be difficult for him to get clean (if he is still using), but it is difficult for you NOW.

Right now you look after no.1.........you...

Hope things work out for you, for the better

Kindeyes

This is going to sound absolutely awful but I'll share anyway. My daughter is loving and living with someone whom I suspect (lots of good reasons to suspect this) has a serious drug/alcohol problem. She doesn't see it as "addiction/alcoholism" and could be somewhat participating with him but it has not affected her relationships, job, etc. He has judgements against him, past legal problems, a felony record, and bankruptcy. Not exactly the guy I would pick for her but he treats her well and they seem happy.

I sat down with her and talked about marriage. And my views are not conventional and may be VERY contradictory to many religious beliefs--so please forgive me if I upset anyone. And ultimately, she is going to do whatever she is going to do. Here is what I said:

When you marry a man (or woman), you legally take on all that they are, all that they have been, and all that they will be. If they have a bankruptcy in their history, that bankruptcy becomes yours too when you marry them. If they have a drug or alcohol problem, that problem becomes yours too when you marry them. If they have a felony record, you now also take ownership of that felony record when you marry them. Marriage is a legal entanglement that you can choose....or not. You can still have a lifetime, committed relationship with another person without that legal entanglement. Making that commitment without marrying him allows for an exit strategy and maintains your autonomy. When you know that someone has these issues, but you are committed to loving them, consider having a good exit strategy.

My daughter took this talk well. She's a pretty practical and intelligent young woman. She understood and has elected not to marry him (even though he talks about it all the time). They seem to be very in love. They seem to have a good relationship and I am very happy for them. But I'm glad that she has a good exit strategy......just in case.

Again, I'm sorry if these views are offensive to anyone. That is not my intention. I am simply sharing the discussion I had with my dear daughter.

gentle hugs
ke

Seren

[QUOTE=sue87;2905692]...

The poblem is I believe he is using again and only did this to get me off his back./QUOTE]

Hi Sue, Welcome to SR!

This is probably pretty insightful on your part. Sadly, there is nothing you will be able to do to get him to change. No amount of love, begging, pleading, nagging, threatening or bribery will work. He has to want this change for himself.

What is in your control is you, boundaries for what sort of behavior you will accept in your presence. I hope that you will stick around, read the threads on this forum, learn what has worked for others......but mostly know that you are not alone.

Take good care, HG

RECF

I had the same thing with mine. Somehow I didn't come to until he cleared out my savings and we had cut off notices and the threat of eviction looming in the near future. There was a big disparity between the Promise of our love and the Reality of it. Once I was honest about what he is versus what he should be I was able to see him as he truly is. It didn't help me leave him immediately, but at least I wasn't lying to myself or my family. Mine did convince me to marry him. He also wanted kids. Luckily, I think he was using so much I think it rendered him sterile.

sue87

Thank you all so much for your replies. I know what I need to do is leave and not look back. It is easier said than done. At lot. Everytime I try I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to live this life anymore.

hello-kitty

Leaving is a choice, just like staying is a choice. If you choose to stay, then in order to survive with some sense of your sanity in tact, you will have to step back from trying to control his choices and focus on doing what you can to protect yourself and your future. Do something good for yourself. Go check out a copy of Co-dependent No More from the local library.

But, you are choosing to live this life. Why?

Kindeyes

Sue
I've said this many times here on SR but I think it bears repeating. Your decision will be made when the pain of leaving him is less than the pain of staying with him. Until then, you will be snared by indecision......and that's ok.

Time will reveal your answers.

gentle hugs
ke

hello-kitty

You should check out the post on addictive relationships. It has an action plan in it that may be helpful to you - it's not neccessarily about leaving. It's about understanding why you are where you are, and why you are choosing to stay in a relationship which is pretty unfulfilling and doesn't give you much happiness.

CheekyAngel

You DONT have to live like this anymore....