EJG123

Hi all. Well AD, who has been out of our home for 6-7 mos and living I don't know where, was finally arrested for felony drugs (probably heroin). She was in jail for 2 days and then released on bail and offered a chance for drug court with eventual dismissal with successful completion of the program. However, she says she won't make it and will likely wind up in jail or prison. I spoke to her and told her we would support her if she wanted to clean up and try to do the drug court program but she did not seem optimistic.

Either way, she continues to give out my address when she gets in trouble and then court papers come to my house. I have put them away for her but she does not want them and I am considering just marking them "return to sender" because she does not live with us. However, the court is very inefficient so sending something back probably would not stop this mail from coming...Still it is upsetting to have it come and be reminded about her circumstances. I've asked her to give her address -whatever it is- but sometimes she says she's homeless and the court will use the last known address. Have any of you had this kind of thing and how do you deal with it?

suki44883

If it were me, I'd just do the "return to sender" thing and let whatever happens, happen. If they keep sending mail, keep sending it back. It's not your responsibility to keep up with her court papers. If she's no more interested than that, then let her deal with the fallout.

EJG123

Thanks for the input/ideas. I had no luck telling the bank she did not live with us anymore. I was told that basically they don't care. Unless she changes it, they wouild keep sending her mail to my house because the address was on her drivers license when she opened the account. They only stopped when they closed her account for suspicious activity.

My husband and I feel bad about things spiraling down for her so quickly.

thequest

As long as you don't have to sign for it I guess there's no harm but I would put the onus on her to go through her mail. If nothing else let her trash her mail. Make her deal with some of the consequences of her actions.

It can get embarrassing if the law enforcement starts delivering subpeonas in marked cars. Tell her this. This happend in our family law enforcement delivering subpeonas in marked cars for the problem one-not good because his strategy is to ignore and blow off things as well.

Make them deal with the consequences of their actions.

In the past I've had some luck by putting 'not here' or 'moved'. You shouldn't have to be filling out paper work. I'd make her filled out the forms saying she moved with no forwarding address. Again make them think about the consequences of their actions. Maybe filling paperwork will make her realize how close she is to be banished or given up on by the family.

EJG123

I can't make her do anything nor do I see her enough to try. I've actually only seen her twice in 6 months. I can text her and ask her to submit a change of address form, but I know that she would rather not have police know her whereabouts and she won't tell us where she lives.

Anyway, I suspect the police will come looking for her eventually. Which makes me wonder- if the police ask to enter my home to look for her, should I let them in? She definitely won't be here but her clothes are in her room and I would not want to have people searching my house.

suki44883

If they have a warrant to search your home, you will have to let them in. Otherwise, no, but there's nothing to stop them from coming back with a warrant.

outtolunch

I still get mail for the original owners of my huse who have not lived here in 30+ years. I used to do the "return to sender" thing to no avail. Now I just put all the unopened stuff in the recycle bin.

keepinon

Some mandated sober time whether in rehab or jail may be just the thing..

EJG123

Keepinon- That's what we think.

Ann

I agree, this shouldn't be stressing you when it's her problem.

Return to sender, would be my first choice. Throwing it out would be next.

If she has no interest in any of this, it doesn't make it your responsibility.

Good luck from someone who's been there.

Hugs

Justfor1

If you live in a big high crime urban city the police will probably not actively seek your daughter for a simple drug possession case. While heroin possession is a felony it's still a minor non-violent offense. If they look for her then they do need a warrant and be sure to read the warrant & understand it before you let them in. You can request a copy also if you like. Sad to say but if she doesn't want to get clean then she will probably go into hiding.

EJG123

Yes thanks. I rather doubt they'd bother with a warrant but you never know. We live in a small suburb of a big city where she most likely got in trouble. I'd actually be shocked if the big city guys would bother with a warrant for her but if they did, I might ask our local cops to come too. They know our family and what we've been through with her.

sojourner

I gets lots of mail for AS because he owes money to lots of companies. As with your situation, this is either the address he put because he lived here at the time, or it is an easy address to track him to because this is the house I lived in when he was born.

Anyway, I used to put the mail in a pile and give it to him when I saw him with absolutely no comment. Then I started the "return to sender" thing. To my surprise, I liked that better because it made me feel better to have it out of my house where it was a reminder to me every time I saw that pile grow. In fact, it made me feel so much better that I started doing that with miscellaneous mail coming for ex-husband (he used to live here years and years ago). It's like I'm telling these companies, "You can't force me to take this stuff."

But I also like the suggestion above of filling out a change of address card for AS' mail to be forwarded to his new address. I like the idea of him getting this mail - it's one of those "consequence" things.

EJG123

I would forward it to her new address except that she has no intention of telling me where she is. For a change of address, I have to give the post office a new address I think. So, "return to sender" will have to do for now.

Seren

Hi EJG! Mr. HG and I have used a combination of "return to sender" and a standard letter for other mail (court orders, bench warrants, etc.). Seems to work OK, although we have additional problems because my A stepson is a "Jr." and Mr. HG is sometimes mistaken for his son by certain bureaucracies, and he has been 'served' in the past.

Good luck! HG