husband using cocaine
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(((PacificSunrise))) - we A's are famous for turning the blame onto the other person. Before I became an A, when I was in a long-term relationship with a "functioning alcoholic), I had a friend who's husband was the same. I asked her how, they could do something, so very wrong, yet in the end, I was apologizing for whatever I'd done to cause him to do this. She said "they just have a way of doing it".
It was ALWAYS something I had done, and I ALWAYS took the blame for it. I didn't know any better. I had zero self esteem, thought that he knew me better than anyone, so he MUST be right.
I understand your concerns that you went through the post partum depression...the fear that it will happen again. However, I agree...seeing a therapist doesn't mean you're "crazy"...it means you care enough about you and your kids to learn how to live a healthy life.
Most codies have, IMO, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from all they deal with. It's like you don't know up from down, blue from green, etc. I have PTSD from a violent robbery I was involved in, but I think I always had a bit of it from my years of being a codie, too.
It's manageable. It's a huge relief to find out that though, yes, you have had a part in the chaos (we codies do that), it's not TOTALLY our fault, and there is a way out of it. Some of my bestest friends, here, have gone through PTSD, depression, verified mental illnesses, but we've all helped each other.
He's blaming you because he doesn't want to admit that he's causing so many problems. It's time to let him deal with HIS problem, and you deal with YOU and your babies.
People tend to think they can shelter their kids from the issue. It may be hard, but you may want to read some threads on the forum of adult children of alcoholics/addicts. When things are wacko in the family, children think that it's something THEY are doing wrong.
Neither of my parents were an A, but I was born a codie (my opinion) and whenever my parents argued or things were tense, I thought it was my fault....that I could fix it. I felt like a failure, when I couldn't. 49 years later, I'm finally realizing that I can't fix anyone else or their situation.
Just some things to think about, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It was ALWAYS something I had done, and I ALWAYS took the blame for it. I didn't know any better. I had zero self esteem, thought that he knew me better than anyone, so he MUST be right.
I understand your concerns that you went through the post partum depression...the fear that it will happen again. However, I agree...seeing a therapist doesn't mean you're "crazy"...it means you care enough about you and your kids to learn how to live a healthy life.
Most codies have, IMO, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from all they deal with. It's like you don't know up from down, blue from green, etc. I have PTSD from a violent robbery I was involved in, but I think I always had a bit of it from my years of being a codie, too.
It's manageable. It's a huge relief to find out that though, yes, you have had a part in the chaos (we codies do that), it's not TOTALLY our fault, and there is a way out of it. Some of my bestest friends, here, have gone through PTSD, depression, verified mental illnesses, but we've all helped each other.
He's blaming you because he doesn't want to admit that he's causing so many problems. It's time to let him deal with HIS problem, and you deal with YOU and your babies.
People tend to think they can shelter their kids from the issue. It may be hard, but you may want to read some threads on the forum of adult children of alcoholics/addicts. When things are wacko in the family, children think that it's something THEY are doing wrong.
Neither of my parents were an A, but I was born a codie (my opinion) and whenever my parents argued or things were tense, I thought it was my fault....that I could fix it. I felt like a failure, when I couldn't. 49 years later, I'm finally realizing that I can't fix anyone else or their situation.
Just some things to think about, sweetie.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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PS, I'll go check your post on my thread now, that's too funny that we were posting on eachothers!!
I have the same problem with my boyfriend's family!! His mother, hates me. Everything is my faulyt, and her precious son can do no wrong. It's so sickening! My life is like that movie, Monster in Law!!!!
I have the same problem with my boyfriend's family!! His mother, hates me. Everything is my faulyt, and her precious son can do no wrong. It's so sickening! My life is like that movie, Monster in Law!!!!
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hello everyone,
a little ol me w/ question again. i haven't talked to my husband since saturday (4 days) or returned any of his texts. he kept calling my parent's house and i finally got on the phone b/c he was becoming a nuisance for my parents.
now he wants to go to counseling and wants to know if i would come w/ him. i didn't give him an answer b/c first i'm not even sure that he really means it, and second i am not trying to get all emotionally involved w/ his issues any more.
i mean part of me wants to be happy and then the other part wants to not care at all and let him do it all by himself.
i think i do care, but i don't want to sabotage my progress and get all wrapped up in him.
any suggestions?
a little ol me w/ question again. i haven't talked to my husband since saturday (4 days) or returned any of his texts. he kept calling my parent's house and i finally got on the phone b/c he was becoming a nuisance for my parents.
now he wants to go to counseling and wants to know if i would come w/ him. i didn't give him an answer b/c first i'm not even sure that he really means it, and second i am not trying to get all emotionally involved w/ his issues any more.
i mean part of me wants to be happy and then the other part wants to not care at all and let him do it all by himself.
i think i do care, but i don't want to sabotage my progress and get all wrapped up in him.
any suggestions?
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(((Pacificsunrise))) - counseling will do no good unless he is clean. When he no longer hangs around his using buddies, when he works a job, shows responsibility with money, when he actually DOES what he says he's going to do, then maybe.
He's grasping at straws. He wants you to think he's doing what he should, to get the family back together, when what he's REALLY doing is thinking he can fool the counselor, show you how YOU are a big part of the problem, and he can keep doing what he wants to do.
When I first got into recovery, I felt like a teenager, again...I told my parents where I was going, when I'd be home, called if I was going to be late. If they called, I answered. If I wasn't able to, I called back ASAP. The first sign of me going back out was that I would just disappear...not answer calls, they had no idea where I was.
Yes, it was a pain, at first, but I accepted that this is what I needed to do to build back trust. I would call dad, just to let him know how my day was going, check on him if he was on a trip (he's an expediter), call them if I was going to the store and see if they needed anything. I would tell them how I was paying down bills....told them they were more than welcome to see my accounts, but they never asked. I did everything I could, to work as much as possible to get back on my feet.
My actions SHOWED that I was being responsible, that I wanted to be part of the family again. He can SAY, all he wants, that he's doing nothing wrong, but you know, in your heart, that he is.
I know it's hard, that he's pulling at the heart strings, but he's just trying to get you to let him have his way, IMO. If he insists on counseling, I'd suggest he find himself an addictions counselor and see what he does. My guess is he'll balk at the very suggestion.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
He's grasping at straws. He wants you to think he's doing what he should, to get the family back together, when what he's REALLY doing is thinking he can fool the counselor, show you how YOU are a big part of the problem, and he can keep doing what he wants to do.
When I first got into recovery, I felt like a teenager, again...I told my parents where I was going, when I'd be home, called if I was going to be late. If they called, I answered. If I wasn't able to, I called back ASAP. The first sign of me going back out was that I would just disappear...not answer calls, they had no idea where I was.
Yes, it was a pain, at first, but I accepted that this is what I needed to do to build back trust. I would call dad, just to let him know how my day was going, check on him if he was on a trip (he's an expediter), call them if I was going to the store and see if they needed anything. I would tell them how I was paying down bills....told them they were more than welcome to see my accounts, but they never asked. I did everything I could, to work as much as possible to get back on my feet.
My actions SHOWED that I was being responsible, that I wanted to be part of the family again. He can SAY, all he wants, that he's doing nothing wrong, but you know, in your heart, that he is.
I know it's hard, that he's pulling at the heart strings, but he's just trying to get you to let him have his way, IMO. If he insists on counseling, I'd suggest he find himself an addictions counselor and see what he does. My guess is he'll balk at the very suggestion.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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thanks amy,
i replied him with a text that "i can try to come. please let me know the date, time, and place ahead of time so i can make appropriate arrangements". we'll see if i get a response. otherwise i do not intend to keep in touch w/ him.
funny thing you said about responsibility, b/c he is the picture perfect of it. he pays all of the bills ahead of time. told me today he paid all of my bills too that came to the house (i haven't changed my address yet, or went by to get my mail). he cut grass, got a haircut, etc., etc.
i am thinking that he does all these extra things to prove to everybody including himself that he is not the one with problem. it makes it so much harder to see him as the bad "guy".
thanks for the encouragement.
i replied him with a text that "i can try to come. please let me know the date, time, and place ahead of time so i can make appropriate arrangements". we'll see if i get a response. otherwise i do not intend to keep in touch w/ him.
funny thing you said about responsibility, b/c he is the picture perfect of it. he pays all of the bills ahead of time. told me today he paid all of my bills too that came to the house (i haven't changed my address yet, or went by to get my mail). he cut grass, got a haircut, etc., etc.
i am thinking that he does all these extra things to prove to everybody including himself that he is not the one with problem. it makes it so much harder to see him as the bad "guy".
thanks for the encouragement.
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(((PS))) - that's good that he's paying the bills. I think, though, that he will throw that in your face, if he doesn't get his way.
However, that doesn't make up for the hanging out with using friends, saying he's not doing anything wrong because he's not doing it at the house, and refusing a drug test.
If you do go to counseling with him, I'd make sure you bring up his addiction. If he downplays it or outright denies it, I'd never go back. Yes, counselors can be bluffed, but one who is knowledgeable about addiction is a bit tougher to BS. Maybe tell him you'll got to counseling if YOU get to choose the counselor (and find one with addiction knowledge) and see how he reacts. You don't have to tell him you want one with the addiction stuff, but just see what he says when you insist it be a counselor of your choice...may be very revealing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
However, that doesn't make up for the hanging out with using friends, saying he's not doing anything wrong because he's not doing it at the house, and refusing a drug test.
If you do go to counseling with him, I'd make sure you bring up his addiction. If he downplays it or outright denies it, I'd never go back. Yes, counselors can be bluffed, but one who is knowledgeable about addiction is a bit tougher to BS. Maybe tell him you'll got to counseling if YOU get to choose the counselor (and find one with addiction knowledge) and see how he reacts. You don't have to tell him you want one with the addiction stuff, but just see what he says when you insist it be a counselor of your choice...may be very revealing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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thanks amy,
good idea about the counselor of my choice. we'll see if he even replies to my text.
and you are right about paying the bills and throwing it in my face, b/c he still brings up paying off my college loans which i never asked him to do, but he insisted on doing it at the time. that was over 5 yrs ago.
anything that he ever does for me gets rubbed in my face. i have told him so often that i don't want him doing anything for me b/c it will come back to bite me in the a**.
i just don't have a good feeling about this. i think that he is up to something and i can't figure it out just yet.
i was able to check his cell phone bill online up to 2 days ago (he gave me password years ago) and that is how i would usually know who did he call and that he is still keeping in touch w/ his drug buddies. i asked him about changing the password b/c i could not log in and he flatly denied it. please! it must have been aliens that changed his password to his cell phone acct.
thank you for your insight and keep in touch.
your advice keeps me stay on track with my second guessing myself.
good idea about the counselor of my choice. we'll see if he even replies to my text.
and you are right about paying the bills and throwing it in my face, b/c he still brings up paying off my college loans which i never asked him to do, but he insisted on doing it at the time. that was over 5 yrs ago.
anything that he ever does for me gets rubbed in my face. i have told him so often that i don't want him doing anything for me b/c it will come back to bite me in the a**.
i just don't have a good feeling about this. i think that he is up to something and i can't figure it out just yet.
i was able to check his cell phone bill online up to 2 days ago (he gave me password years ago) and that is how i would usually know who did he call and that he is still keeping in touch w/ his drug buddies. i asked him about changing the password b/c i could not log in and he flatly denied it. please! it must have been aliens that changed his password to his cell phone acct.
thank you for your insight and keep in touch.
your advice keeps me stay on track with my second guessing myself.
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I'm about to go to sleep, but yep...he changed the password because he doesn't want you to know how he's calling, and he wants to keep lying to you.
Actions, sweetie....actions.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Actions, sweetie....actions.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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PS....
Trust your gut! If you feel something's up, it probably is!
Before I knew my husband was an A, in insisted we had to go to counseling. We went for a year & a half. Every other week, sometimes weekly. Our counselor was dumbfounded & suggested after all that time, maybe we needed a different counselor. He obviously was as confused as I was.
When my husband confessed in Dec, I told our counselor the next session. He would no longer see us together. Only me, until my ah had been through rehab. Because it was & had been a waste to try to change someone who wasn't really there. He seemed relieved & also apologized that we wasted the last year & a half. I told him clearly that it had been the only thing keeping me sane. That if it hadn't been for that time I feel sure that things would have been much worse. Also we now have someone working with us that knows us very well.
As far as the responsible ah. My ah was an opiate a. The first few yrs he used for the energy it gave him. After that it became just maintenance so that he could function. The last year had been a yr of nodding off, sleeping all the time, no memory, & no drive to do anything.
I don't have experience with coke. I knew ppl who did. They described it as energy & confidence to the highest degree. They were professionals in very demanding jobs. This was there "edge". But as with all doc, they stop working & there is always too much. There lives start falling apart. Don't be fooled just because he can get a lot of stuff done.
My ah came home after his last session with his counselor in terrible angst. He spent hours crying & apologizing. It took me forever to figure out what was going on. Long & short. He had only been giving me 20% of himself as a partner for the last 6 yrs. Since rehab he had been very proud of his change & accomplishment. But he realized he was still only giving 80%. And he had justified it by saying 80 was much better than 20.
A's always justify. They have too! It is their coping mechanism!
Thinking of you! Stay strong!
Trust your gut! If you feel something's up, it probably is!
Before I knew my husband was an A, in insisted we had to go to counseling. We went for a year & a half. Every other week, sometimes weekly. Our counselor was dumbfounded & suggested after all that time, maybe we needed a different counselor. He obviously was as confused as I was.
When my husband confessed in Dec, I told our counselor the next session. He would no longer see us together. Only me, until my ah had been through rehab. Because it was & had been a waste to try to change someone who wasn't really there. He seemed relieved & also apologized that we wasted the last year & a half. I told him clearly that it had been the only thing keeping me sane. That if it hadn't been for that time I feel sure that things would have been much worse. Also we now have someone working with us that knows us very well.
As far as the responsible ah. My ah was an opiate a. The first few yrs he used for the energy it gave him. After that it became just maintenance so that he could function. The last year had been a yr of nodding off, sleeping all the time, no memory, & no drive to do anything.
I don't have experience with coke. I knew ppl who did. They described it as energy & confidence to the highest degree. They were professionals in very demanding jobs. This was there "edge". But as with all doc, they stop working & there is always too much. There lives start falling apart. Don't be fooled just because he can get a lot of stuff done.
My ah came home after his last session with his counselor in terrible angst. He spent hours crying & apologizing. It took me forever to figure out what was going on. Long & short. He had only been giving me 20% of himself as a partner for the last 6 yrs. Since rehab he had been very proud of his change & accomplishment. But he realized he was still only giving 80%. And he had justified it by saying 80 was much better than 20.
A's always justify. They have too! It is their coping mechanism!
Thinking of you! Stay strong!
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thank you BarelyHere for the wise words.
also as an update. yesterday he was talking about drug counselor, today he is talking about family counseling (which i am not interested in at this point) and now he is back to my "mental illnesses". if it wasn't so pathetic i would make me laugh.
anyways, i listened to his voicemail and checked his texts, but didn't reply to either one.
sad to say, but i'm feeling better now that i see that he really didn't change any of his story. at least it confirms my gut feeling.
thank you all for hanging in there w/ me.
also as an update. yesterday he was talking about drug counselor, today he is talking about family counseling (which i am not interested in at this point) and now he is back to my "mental illnesses". if it wasn't so pathetic i would make me laugh.
anyways, i listened to his voicemail and checked his texts, but didn't reply to either one.
sad to say, but i'm feeling better now that i see that he really didn't change any of his story. at least it confirms my gut feeling.
thank you all for hanging in there w/ me.
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((PS)) - good for you for not responding. I know you may not believe it, but there will probably come a time when you will delete the voice mails/texts. I wasn't always able to do that, but I was, at least, not as affected when I did listen/read..it got to be "more of the same old BS".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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exactly right, Amy.
some of them i'm keeping just for the sake of having proof of all the nonsense.
i do have a question, though. some of the texts are "incriminating" in which he mentions his drug use and i wanted to keep them as a part of legal documentation. i am not sure how to do it. i don't have internet on my phone so i cannot e-mail them to anyone. any idea what would be the most legal thing to do.
i hate to be so heartless, but he has threatened and still is threatening to take the kids away from me and i know that it might be hard to prove his drug use if he passes the drug test (which i now see is rather easy to do).
he is very experienced in the mental health field (worked in it for 13 yrs, now has a title of qualified professional) and even though his "diagnosis" of me is made up (no psychiatrist has ever diagnosed me with stuff that he is talking about, only postpartum depression 4 yrs ago) i can see how he can stir some trouble if he decides to.
thanks in advance. love you all for caring.
some of them i'm keeping just for the sake of having proof of all the nonsense.
i do have a question, though. some of the texts are "incriminating" in which he mentions his drug use and i wanted to keep them as a part of legal documentation. i am not sure how to do it. i don't have internet on my phone so i cannot e-mail them to anyone. any idea what would be the most legal thing to do.
i hate to be so heartless, but he has threatened and still is threatening to take the kids away from me and i know that it might be hard to prove his drug use if he passes the drug test (which i now see is rather easy to do).
he is very experienced in the mental health field (worked in it for 13 yrs, now has a title of qualified professional) and even though his "diagnosis" of me is made up (no psychiatrist has ever diagnosed me with stuff that he is talking about, only postpartum depression 4 yrs ago) i can see how he can stir some trouble if he decides to.
thanks in advance. love you all for caring.
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(((((PS)))))
Buy yourself a small tape recorder and some tapes for it. Put your phone on speaker and record each voice mail onto the tape recorder. Take the tape and put it somewhere 'safe' where he will never find it, like at your attorney's, lol You can also make more than one copy that way before they are deleted.
I had to do that with one of my older cell phones and the tapes were played in court, and there wasn't a thing my stalker could do about it, it proved what I had been saying.
Hope that helps a bit.
Love and hugs,
Buy yourself a small tape recorder and some tapes for it. Put your phone on speaker and record each voice mail onto the tape recorder. Take the tape and put it somewhere 'safe' where he will never find it, like at your attorney's, lol You can also make more than one copy that way before they are deleted.
I had to do that with one of my older cell phones and the tapes were played in court, and there wasn't a thing my stalker could do about it, it proved what I had been saying.
Hope that helps a bit.
Love and hugs,
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thank you laurie6781.
i will definitely do that. thank you for your support and encouragement and for keeping up w/ my posts.
all you guys at SR have been wonderful and i love you all.
i will definitely do that. thank you for your support and encouragement and for keeping up w/ my posts.
all you guys at SR have been wonderful and i love you all.
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This takes me back 15 years ago I lived w/my ex coke addict for 7 very, very, long years. When I got out for the last time I was so exhausted I felt like I had been through a war and I had. It took probably 5 or 6 times of leaving before I left for good. Its hard cause they are not bad people they are just very sick and they live in their own fantasy world. I think most addicts swear they will go to counseling but most of it is just lies to get us back, and maybe at the time they really do believe they will.
The relationship comes second to his 1st love and that is the coke, and you can never compete with it cause it will always win out till it has really kicked his butt good.
My ex lied so much that if he said it was raining out I had better go to the window and look, cause I just never knew anymore?
Of course they are going to point the finger at us and make it seem like we are the crazy one's cause they have to protect their using at any cost.
My ex didn't get help till he lost everything and conned and used every person till the very end. Sad to say he started drinking very heavy and died at the age of 48.
Do yourself a favor go get help for yourself because without help you will keep falling prey to his dillusions.
Glad you found SR this is an awesome site.
The relationship comes second to his 1st love and that is the coke, and you can never compete with it cause it will always win out till it has really kicked his butt good.
My ex lied so much that if he said it was raining out I had better go to the window and look, cause I just never knew anymore?
Of course they are going to point the finger at us and make it seem like we are the crazy one's cause they have to protect their using at any cost.
My ex didn't get help till he lost everything and conned and used every person till the very end. Sad to say he started drinking very heavy and died at the age of 48.
Do yourself a favor go get help for yourself because without help you will keep falling prey to his dillusions.
Glad you found SR this is an awesome site.
Last edited by newby1961; 03-24-2011 at 10:46 PM. Reason: spelling
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cynical one - that's a really interesting link. My exAH was also a coke addict, but my counselor felt that some of the things that went on were also indicative of him also being a Narcissist or Sociopath. I have struggled with this idea. I know that mental illness and drug abuse often go hand-in-hand, but how do you separate the drugs from the underlying personality? It seems like many of the things that are indicators of mental illness are also traits of an addict. This has probably been mentioned many times on these forums. I'm new here and am finding all of the info incredibly helpful. I wish I had found this place 3 years ago.
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thank you cynical one for the link,
i haven't checked all of the replies for the past few days and i did check out the link. honestly, is scared me half to death, b/c i saw things that do apply that i really did not want to see (and i only read a few pages).
i am not sure any more if i really have any idea what kind of person my husband is. i've known him for 13 yrs and i always knew he had some issues ( i mean who doesn't), but now i am no longer sure that even if he magically becomes a non-addict overnight, he would be the person that i want to be around.
that really scares me a lot. thanks again for the support.
i haven't checked all of the replies for the past few days and i did check out the link. honestly, is scared me half to death, b/c i saw things that do apply that i really did not want to see (and i only read a few pages).
i am not sure any more if i really have any idea what kind of person my husband is. i've known him for 13 yrs and i always knew he had some issues ( i mean who doesn't), but now i am no longer sure that even if he magically becomes a non-addict overnight, he would be the person that i want to be around.
that really scares me a lot. thanks again for the support.
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newby1961,
thank you for the encouragement. sorry to hear about the loss of your ex.
thank you for helping me stay strong. the whole last year i spent either kicking him out or leaving myself w/ children and hopefully this time i will have what it takes to stick it out. it does get easier with time and experience is a wonderful teacher.
thanks again. i'm glad you're feeling better and moving forward with your life.
thank you for the encouragement. sorry to hear about the loss of your ex.
thank you for helping me stay strong. the whole last year i spent either kicking him out or leaving myself w/ children and hopefully this time i will have what it takes to stick it out. it does get easier with time and experience is a wonderful teacher.
thanks again. i'm glad you're feeling better and moving forward with your life.
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thailand,
you are right about different issues going on with addicted people. i know that anyone can get addicted at any time, but often there are underlying causes that make certain people more prone to it than others.
i am currently also having a hard time deciding what is really the addiction and what is really something else that is going on. not an easy thing to do.
thanks for the encouragement and insight.
you are right about different issues going on with addicted people. i know that anyone can get addicted at any time, but often there are underlying causes that make certain people more prone to it than others.
i am currently also having a hard time deciding what is really the addiction and what is really something else that is going on. not an easy thing to do.
thanks for the encouragement and insight.
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