Overwhelmed!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: St. Paul, MN
Posts: 8
Overwhelmed!
I just can’t believe I am going through this again. My oldest son was a meth addict. He would spend his summers with me (and my husband and two younger sons) in Maryland and spend the school year with his father in Iowa. The addiction took hold so fast that I didn’t even know about it until it was too late. It’s a really long story, but he was selling marijuana to support his meth habit. His supplier (and 9 other people) kidnapped and tortured him, took him to an abandoned farm house, and shot him in the back of the head. He was only 15.
My two younger sons were just 8 and 4 at the time. They both vowed to never use drugs. Five years ago my middle son started drinking and experimenting with drugs. He has done almost everything – pot, cocaine, ecstasy, and pills – lots of pills. At first it was mostly the drinking that was a concern. He would drink on a regular basis to the point of blackout. He spent time in jail, lost an eye. I kept thinking, “He has finally reached bottom and will stop.” Nothing helped. He dropped out of high school and couldn’t keep a job.
Two years ago I moved with my youngest son to Minnesota. It was a relief to not have to deal with the middle son’s daily BS. But things just got worse. He found Oxy. I would talk to him on the phone and not be able to understand anything he said. He couldn’t keep a job or a place to live. But he was 21 and I figured he’d have to find his own way. Little did I know at the time that he was dealing pills to support his own habit. He was making regular trips to New York City to get them from his supplier there… Then I got the news that his girlfriend was pregnant.
She gave birth two months ago to a healthy beautiful little boy. She is living with her parents who have forbidden my son from being on their property (not that I blame them). He has finally agreed to rehab. He flew to Minnesota 23 days ago and I think has been clean since then. He has been with me almost every minute since he got here. He has gone through some pretty ugly withdrawals but is finally eating and sleeping again. His personality is back and he seems committed to making real, lasting changes in his life. I just took both sons to Maryland for a quick spring break trip (which was planned before middle son came to live with me) and got to spend some time with my beautiful grandson. I think my son is more committed than ever to making real changes in his life. He has an assessment next week and should then be admitted to a rehab program.
My concerns at this point have to do with him moving back to Maryland once he gets through the program. I know he wants to be with his girlfriend and his little boy. But all he knows there is the party lifestyle and his only friends are the ones he does drugs with. I am mortified to think of him going back there. But do I want him here? Will I have to babysit him for the rest of his life?
I’m sorry to ramble. I’m just feeling a little overwhelemed with it all at the moment!
My two younger sons were just 8 and 4 at the time. They both vowed to never use drugs. Five years ago my middle son started drinking and experimenting with drugs. He has done almost everything – pot, cocaine, ecstasy, and pills – lots of pills. At first it was mostly the drinking that was a concern. He would drink on a regular basis to the point of blackout. He spent time in jail, lost an eye. I kept thinking, “He has finally reached bottom and will stop.” Nothing helped. He dropped out of high school and couldn’t keep a job.
Two years ago I moved with my youngest son to Minnesota. It was a relief to not have to deal with the middle son’s daily BS. But things just got worse. He found Oxy. I would talk to him on the phone and not be able to understand anything he said. He couldn’t keep a job or a place to live. But he was 21 and I figured he’d have to find his own way. Little did I know at the time that he was dealing pills to support his own habit. He was making regular trips to New York City to get them from his supplier there… Then I got the news that his girlfriend was pregnant.
She gave birth two months ago to a healthy beautiful little boy. She is living with her parents who have forbidden my son from being on their property (not that I blame them). He has finally agreed to rehab. He flew to Minnesota 23 days ago and I think has been clean since then. He has been with me almost every minute since he got here. He has gone through some pretty ugly withdrawals but is finally eating and sleeping again. His personality is back and he seems committed to making real, lasting changes in his life. I just took both sons to Maryland for a quick spring break trip (which was planned before middle son came to live with me) and got to spend some time with my beautiful grandson. I think my son is more committed than ever to making real changes in his life. He has an assessment next week and should then be admitted to a rehab program.
My concerns at this point have to do with him moving back to Maryland once he gets through the program. I know he wants to be with his girlfriend and his little boy. But all he knows there is the party lifestyle and his only friends are the ones he does drugs with. I am mortified to think of him going back there. But do I want him here? Will I have to babysit him for the rest of his life?
I’m sorry to ramble. I’m just feeling a little overwhelemed with it all at the moment!
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
sbd - i am so sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation with your son - i understand your concern and your questions - i know i have thought the same thing with my son - my prayers will be with you as you decide what to do - blessings
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
(((SBD))) I am so sorry to hear about your eldest son. I am sorry you have to deal with your middle son. I have no advice but just want you to know you, your children and your precious little grandchild are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
I am so sorry to hear about your eldest son. You certainly have had your share of sadness due to addiction. So glad to hear you have a beautiful healthy grandchild.
No you will not have to babysit him the rest of your life, he has choices. I have no advice,just wanted to welcome you to SR. You and your family are in my prayers.
No you will not have to babysit him the rest of your life, he has choices. I have no advice,just wanted to welcome you to SR. You and your family are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
SBD
No wonder you are overwhelmed. You have lived through he77 and back with addiction in your life. The operative word here is "lived". You have survived a horrible situation and you will live through this as well. Breathe deep.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your eldest son. I can't even imagine dealing with something that traumatic. My prayers are with you, your family, and your dear son as he struggles to overcome his own addiction. I also have an addicted son who has struggled for some time with his demons. I also have a sweet grandson (my son's child) who brings amazing joy to my life.
When dealing with addiction, I find that I have to take it one day at a time. To think too far in the future begins my "stinking thinking" and I imagine the worst of outcomes. I worry and stress and can't sleep. And sleep deprevation makes me a nut case. Sometimes, taking it one day at a time is too big of a chunk.....and I need to take it one hour or one minute at a time.
You must be a very strong woman. But even very strong people need support to make it through really tough situations. I hope that you are reaching out to a group like Naranon to help you. All of us here on SR are here to support you and share our experience, strength and hope with you. You are not alone. We will walk with you.
gentle hugs
No wonder you are overwhelmed. You have lived through he77 and back with addiction in your life. The operative word here is "lived". You have survived a horrible situation and you will live through this as well. Breathe deep.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your eldest son. I can't even imagine dealing with something that traumatic. My prayers are with you, your family, and your dear son as he struggles to overcome his own addiction. I also have an addicted son who has struggled for some time with his demons. I also have a sweet grandson (my son's child) who brings amazing joy to my life.
My concerns at this point have to do with him moving back to Maryland once he gets through the program. I know he wants to be with his girlfriend and his little boy. But all he knows there is the party lifestyle and his only friends are the ones he does drugs with. I am mortified to think of him going back there. But do I want him here? Will I have to babysit him for the rest of his life?
You must be a very strong woman. But even very strong people need support to make it through really tough situations. I hope that you are reaching out to a group like Naranon to help you. All of us here on SR are here to support you and share our experience, strength and hope with you. You are not alone. We will walk with you.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Let the rehab help him decide where to go..I know I for one highly reccomend sober living after as a transition.No, you should not babysit him, and it won't work anyway..some people can return and start over, some need to physically remove themselves from the area..but let him get some recovery under his belt and see what his team advises..even then it's his choice..
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
This disease does devastating things to families as you well know. I second the notion of you trying to get help through NARANON or counseling. I know some treatment centers have family week?
You sound a lot like my mom before she passed away 6/6/09 in that she didn't want to make the mistakes she made with me with my sister so she went to great lengths to try and save her cause she couldn't save me.
I am so glad you found SR there are great loving & wise people on here so I urge you to continue to reach out. Peace & blessings
You sound a lot like my mom before she passed away 6/6/09 in that she didn't want to make the mistakes she made with me with my sister so she went to great lengths to try and save her cause she couldn't save me.
I am so glad you found SR there are great loving & wise people on here so I urge you to continue to reach out. Peace & blessings
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Your son's rehab program is just the first step, because if he's truly ready to stop, he'll work some kind of recovery program for the rest of his life no matter where he lives. Nothing will get in the way of his sobriety, but only if he's ready.
I can't imagine the fear you must live with, especially after losing your firstborn (may he always RIP). Please consider working your own recovery program ("work the program you wish he would") as Kindeyes suggested. It will help you find a way to manage those fears.
God bless you and you're in my prayers.
I can't imagine the fear you must live with, especially after losing your firstborn (may he always RIP). Please consider working your own recovery program ("work the program you wish he would") as Kindeyes suggested. It will help you find a way to manage those fears.
God bless you and you're in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: St. Paul, MN
Posts: 8
HI everyone. Just wanted to provide an update on where we are.
My middle son completed his inpatient rehab program here in Minnesota. Before he went in I discovered that he had been using the entire time he was living in my house and then discovered that my youngest son was smoking pot on an almost daily basis. That's when I really thought my life would fall apart. I found a great counselor who is an addiction specialist and she really has helped me.
Anyway, the rehab program was amazing. I saw my son truly sober for the first time in years. He was happy and a leader in the program. He realized he was happier sober than stoned. When it was time for him to leave he wanted to come back to my house. I talked with my counselor and the lead counselor at the rehab. We agreed that he could, but he had to sign a contract that listed the rules. Here are the rules:
A. I will not use any illegal or prescription drugs or any legal substance used to get high.
B. I will not drink alcohol.
C. I will not bring drugs or alcohol into my mom’s house.
D. I will complete the outpatient program through Haven.
E. I will attend AA/NA meetings on nights when I am not working. I will get a sponsor and keep in touch with him.
F. I will work to find a job as soon as possible after leaving Paul’s Place.
G. I will pay my mom rent in the amount of $300 per month beginning two weeks after I begin work or on June 1, 2011, whichever is later, and on that same date every month thereafter until I find my own apartment.
H. I will pay my mom $60.00 per month for my cell phone beginning on the date I first pay rent and every month thereafter.
I. I will pay my mom $215.00 per month to repay the car loan beginning on August 1, 2011 and on the 1st of every month thereafter for a total of 22 months. These payments will be deferred if I am enrolled in college on at least a half-time basis and will begin again once I have completed college.
J. I will keep my room clean and will help with other household chores as needed.
K. I will agree to a drug or alcohol test at any time.
L. I will study for and take the driver’s exam to get a Minnesota driver’s license within the first month after leaving Paul’s Place.
M. I will not drive any car without a license. I will not drive either of my mom’s cars without her express permission.
N. I will work with my attorney in Maryland to take care of all legal issues there.
O. I will abide by any curfews my mom imposes.
P. I will not engage my brother or any of his friends in drugs or alcohol in any way.
Q. I will let my mom know if my brother is engaged in using drugs or alcohol.
R. I will not invite friends to my mom’s house without her express consent.
S. I will pay for any damage I do to my mom’s house.
T. I will open a bank account and get my financial affairs in order.
The contract further states that if he breaks even one rule he will be immediately evicted from the house -- no second chances -- and that I will call the police if I have to.
In the past two weeks since he's been here he has had three job interviews (I think he'll have a job by the end of this week), has applied to and been accepted at college, and has been a real help around the house. He is in outpatient treatment three nights a week and goes to meetings almost every other night. He has decided that there is no way he can go back to Maryland. So far so good.
His girlfriend is apparently still using and refusing to let him see his son. That's the next hurdle for him and I worry that the stress of that might trigger him using again. But it is one day at a time, and today he is clean and life is good.
My youngest son has also faced consequences and is no longer doing any drugs. I purchased at home UA tests (in bulk) and they both know they are subject to random tests at any time. They have both been clean every time.
I know this isn't over, it's only just beginning. But I have hope now like never before. I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement as we were getting started in all this.
My middle son completed his inpatient rehab program here in Minnesota. Before he went in I discovered that he had been using the entire time he was living in my house and then discovered that my youngest son was smoking pot on an almost daily basis. That's when I really thought my life would fall apart. I found a great counselor who is an addiction specialist and she really has helped me.
Anyway, the rehab program was amazing. I saw my son truly sober for the first time in years. He was happy and a leader in the program. He realized he was happier sober than stoned. When it was time for him to leave he wanted to come back to my house. I talked with my counselor and the lead counselor at the rehab. We agreed that he could, but he had to sign a contract that listed the rules. Here are the rules:
A. I will not use any illegal or prescription drugs or any legal substance used to get high.
B. I will not drink alcohol.
C. I will not bring drugs or alcohol into my mom’s house.
D. I will complete the outpatient program through Haven.
E. I will attend AA/NA meetings on nights when I am not working. I will get a sponsor and keep in touch with him.
F. I will work to find a job as soon as possible after leaving Paul’s Place.
G. I will pay my mom rent in the amount of $300 per month beginning two weeks after I begin work or on June 1, 2011, whichever is later, and on that same date every month thereafter until I find my own apartment.
H. I will pay my mom $60.00 per month for my cell phone beginning on the date I first pay rent and every month thereafter.
I. I will pay my mom $215.00 per month to repay the car loan beginning on August 1, 2011 and on the 1st of every month thereafter for a total of 22 months. These payments will be deferred if I am enrolled in college on at least a half-time basis and will begin again once I have completed college.
J. I will keep my room clean and will help with other household chores as needed.
K. I will agree to a drug or alcohol test at any time.
L. I will study for and take the driver’s exam to get a Minnesota driver’s license within the first month after leaving Paul’s Place.
M. I will not drive any car without a license. I will not drive either of my mom’s cars without her express permission.
N. I will work with my attorney in Maryland to take care of all legal issues there.
O. I will abide by any curfews my mom imposes.
P. I will not engage my brother or any of his friends in drugs or alcohol in any way.
Q. I will let my mom know if my brother is engaged in using drugs or alcohol.
R. I will not invite friends to my mom’s house without her express consent.
S. I will pay for any damage I do to my mom’s house.
T. I will open a bank account and get my financial affairs in order.
The contract further states that if he breaks even one rule he will be immediately evicted from the house -- no second chances -- and that I will call the police if I have to.
In the past two weeks since he's been here he has had three job interviews (I think he'll have a job by the end of this week), has applied to and been accepted at college, and has been a real help around the house. He is in outpatient treatment three nights a week and goes to meetings almost every other night. He has decided that there is no way he can go back to Maryland. So far so good.
His girlfriend is apparently still using and refusing to let him see his son. That's the next hurdle for him and I worry that the stress of that might trigger him using again. But it is one day at a time, and today he is clean and life is good.
My youngest son has also faced consequences and is no longer doing any drugs. I purchased at home UA tests (in bulk) and they both know they are subject to random tests at any time. They have both been clean every time.
I know this isn't over, it's only just beginning. But I have hope now like never before. I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and encouragement as we were getting started in all this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am so sorry for the loss of your first son. I can't imagine how painful this has been for you.
I am exhausted just reading the house rules. The amount of focus on him and his issues overwhelms me. It reads like the job description for a prison warden, not a mom of an adult child.
Was a sober living enviornment considered.
I am exhausted just reading the house rules. The amount of focus on him and his issues overwhelms me. It reads like the job description for a prison warden, not a mom of an adult child.
Was a sober living enviornment considered.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
SBD,
So sorry about the loss of your son. My heart hurts for you.
I am in a similar situation, new grandson, who is now 2 years old, living with his mom, who's living with HER mom. She won't let my son see baby, but that is because he is so threatening, and somewhat crazy. I am not sure if he's back to using, or not. He WAS in prison. But has done some positive life style changes while being out.
Youest son is currently in prison in Florida, where he decided to move. He is doing time for selling, and manufacturing Meth.
Meanwhile, I am holding tight to detaching (with love) and boundaries.
We have to let them fly, or else we are enabling.
Let go, or be dragged.
Hugs and hugs....
So sorry about the loss of your son. My heart hurts for you.
I am in a similar situation, new grandson, who is now 2 years old, living with his mom, who's living with HER mom. She won't let my son see baby, but that is because he is so threatening, and somewhat crazy. I am not sure if he's back to using, or not. He WAS in prison. But has done some positive life style changes while being out.
Youest son is currently in prison in Florida, where he decided to move. He is doing time for selling, and manufacturing Meth.
Meanwhile, I am holding tight to detaching (with love) and boundaries.
We have to let them fly, or else we are enabling.
Let go, or be dragged.
Hugs and hugs....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
I am also a world class contract writer. I have written dozens.
Problem is, I always finish last in enforcement.
There is always some small reason (excuse), some small glimmer of hope(denial), some worry (codependecy), that keeps me from properly pulling the trigger on the consequences.
Good luck.
Problem is, I always finish last in enforcement.
There is always some small reason (excuse), some small glimmer of hope(denial), some worry (codependecy), that keeps me from properly pulling the trigger on the consequences.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Never give up hope. But consider giving up trying to control his choices... It's a losing battle.
What I've learned is that trying to control other people's behavior (ie... setting rules) doesn't work. I can only control myself and my reactions to other people. Instead I have learned set and enforce boundaries for myself about the kind of behavior I am willing to accept in my life.
Have you considered attending Al-anon? Addiction is a family disease. Even the family members who aren't on drugs need some kind of support group and recovery program. Al-anon is for YOU!
Keep reading and posting!
What I've learned is that trying to control other people's behavior (ie... setting rules) doesn't work. I can only control myself and my reactions to other people. Instead I have learned set and enforce boundaries for myself about the kind of behavior I am willing to accept in my life.
Have you considered attending Al-anon? Addiction is a family disease. Even the family members who aren't on drugs need some kind of support group and recovery program. Al-anon is for YOU!
Keep reading and posting!
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi SBD. I am so extremely sorry that you've had such a devastating loss as losing your eldest son, just 15, in such a very terrifying way. I can't even imagine going through something like that. I admire you for being such a strong survivor.
I also want to say that I don't want to douse your hopes with how well your son is doing. No one can tell you for sure how this will turn out with him. I know that you're trying to save his life & the life of your youngest son as well. I do so understand all of the feelings that go with that from experience. And now that you have a beautiful grandson that you would love to have in your life & in your son's life. And just maybe, miraculously, he's hit his bottom & really will work his recovery program to get his life back. I sincerely hope that will be the case.
Now here's what I've learned, or some of it anyway. The contract is very good & those are some good boundaries to protect you & your home & family, but it's only going to make things alot worse for everyone if you aren't willing & able to follow through. We learn in Alanon & Naranon, that 'You didn't cause the addiction, You can't control the addiction & You can't cure the addiction'. ONLY the addict himself can decide to do that & to do that, he has to be so desperate that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be clean & sober & to stay clean & sober. Please remember to go into this with eyes wide open. As others have said before me, you would do well to find AlAnon & NarAnon Meetings in your area & attend them often. They are for you & you need them more than you could ever know. I hope that you'll keep coming back here often & keep us updated, as we here do care & understand completely what you are dealing with. Keep coming back. (((((((Caring Hugs)))))))
I also want to say that I don't want to douse your hopes with how well your son is doing. No one can tell you for sure how this will turn out with him. I know that you're trying to save his life & the life of your youngest son as well. I do so understand all of the feelings that go with that from experience. And now that you have a beautiful grandson that you would love to have in your life & in your son's life. And just maybe, miraculously, he's hit his bottom & really will work his recovery program to get his life back. I sincerely hope that will be the case.
Now here's what I've learned, or some of it anyway. The contract is very good & those are some good boundaries to protect you & your home & family, but it's only going to make things alot worse for everyone if you aren't willing & able to follow through. We learn in Alanon & Naranon, that 'You didn't cause the addiction, You can't control the addiction & You can't cure the addiction'. ONLY the addict himself can decide to do that & to do that, he has to be so desperate that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be clean & sober & to stay clean & sober. Please remember to go into this with eyes wide open. As others have said before me, you would do well to find AlAnon & NarAnon Meetings in your area & attend them often. They are for you & you need them more than you could ever know. I hope that you'll keep coming back here often & keep us updated, as we here do care & understand completely what you are dealing with. Keep coming back. (((((((Caring Hugs)))))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
SBD, thank you for updating and I'm glad you're all on the recovery road 
The greatest advantage to my daughter and I using similar recovery paths (AA and Alanon), is that it provides us common concepts and language we both understand. We do this for ourselves but it benefits our relationship. When either of us has had to remind the other to stay off our side of the street, we both know what that means and how to do it.
We both also have separate therapists (whose specialties are addiction), because we've found we need more one on one time. Our codependency cycle goes back 4 generations and it's effects are a lot to unravel. The awareness we've both gained is phenomenal
The greatest advantage to my daughter and I using similar recovery paths (AA and Alanon), is that it provides us common concepts and language we both understand. We do this for ourselves but it benefits our relationship. When either of us has had to remind the other to stay off our side of the street, we both know what that means and how to do it.
We both also have separate therapists (whose specialties are addiction), because we've found we need more one on one time. Our codependency cycle goes back 4 generations and it's effects are a lot to unravel. The awareness we've both gained is phenomenal
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