staying sane, peaceful and grounded . . .
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
staying sane, peaceful and grounded . . .
Because of what has been going on & my inability to attend meetings - I have been trying to really read some of my literature to help me stay grounded, sane and peaceful -thought I would share some of the Highlights of my readings - hopefully it will help y'all as much as it has helped me . . .
Readings are from How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics
Step One pg 45.
Each of our lives has been devasted by someone else's drinking. We cannot change that fact. . . . . Our self-esteem suffers, our relationships suffer, and our ability to enjoy life suffers. . . . . Whether or not we live with active drinking, life is unmanageable whenever we lose perspective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense at actions that have nothing to do with us. Or we intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others. Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, ressented and doomed to failure.
Instead of helping those we care about, we demonstrated a lack of respect for them and create discord in our relationships.. . . .
we admit that we did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure the alcoholic, the disease of alcoholism, or the fact that we have been affected by this disease.. . .
We confuse caring with controlling because we don't know how to allow others the dignity of being themselves.. . . .
Al-Anon does not promise that every alcoholic will get sober or that sobriety will solve our problems or fix our relationships. We may never have the family of our dreams or win the love of those who have no love to give.. . . . We let go of the illusion that kept us imprisioned in an endless cycle of repetitious, self-defeating behavior and inevitable disappointment. . . .
We move toward hope.
I just typed a few of the sentences that I have highlighted in this section - this is my favorite recovery book - it is filled with wonderful information that opened the doors of my soul to freedom! I pray the little snips I post help you too! It seems like every time I read it I learned more ways of handling the affects of this disease.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Readings are from How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics
Step One pg 45.
Each of our lives has been devasted by someone else's drinking. We cannot change that fact. . . . . Our self-esteem suffers, our relationships suffer, and our ability to enjoy life suffers. . . . . Whether or not we live with active drinking, life is unmanageable whenever we lose perspective about what is and is not our responsibility. We take offense at actions that have nothing to do with us. Or we intervene where it is inappropriate and neglect our legitimate obligations to ourselves and others. Our misplaced concern for others becomes intrusive, meddling, ressented and doomed to failure.
Instead of helping those we care about, we demonstrated a lack of respect for them and create discord in our relationships.. . . .
we admit that we did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure the alcoholic, the disease of alcoholism, or the fact that we have been affected by this disease.. . .
We confuse caring with controlling because we don't know how to allow others the dignity of being themselves.. . . .
Al-Anon does not promise that every alcoholic will get sober or that sobriety will solve our problems or fix our relationships. We may never have the family of our dreams or win the love of those who have no love to give.. . . . We let go of the illusion that kept us imprisioned in an endless cycle of repetitious, self-defeating behavior and inevitable disappointment. . . .
We move toward hope.
I just typed a few of the sentences that I have highlighted in this section - this is my favorite recovery book - it is filled with wonderful information that opened the doors of my soul to freedom! I pray the little snips I post help you too! It seems like every time I read it I learned more ways of handling the affects of this disease.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We let go of the illusion that kept us imprisoned in an endless cycle of repetitious, self-defeating behavior and inevitable disappointment. . . .
Thanks Ms. Pink for sharing this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Wonderful, MsPINK! This truly spoke to my heart and was just what I needed this morning....
Reminded me of something I read a while back:
:ghug3
Thank you!
Hunny
Reminded me of something I read a while back:
Forgiveness is giving up
the hope that the past
could have been any different.
the hope that the past
could have been any different.
Thank you!
Hunny
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
I am still struggling to understand the nexus between controlling and setting boundaries. When I set up a boundary, isn't that an attempt to control the A's behavior? It seems to be to simply be a reframing in Alanon terms. Codies should stop trying to control, but should establish boundaries. Contradiction? Paradox? I'm having a hard time reconciling the two.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Ana,
Boundaries and control ~ such a tough thing for me -
It took me a while to get balance and understanding of it too -
What I learned (and reading this book several times helped) is I could set boundaries and then I had to be ready to ACT if these boundaries weren't honored.
I couldn't MAKE the A's or anyone else respect my boundary but I could ensure that they knew I was serious about that boundary.
Example:
For many years, I said "I don't want to be around you when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol" to my now ex ah. But yet I did nothing about it when he was using. He continued to use in front of me, in our home, and at functions we would attend.
Then it occured to me that I had a choice, I had options.
The last few years we were together, I started driving my own vehicle to any function we attended. When I started noticing "using behaviors" I simply excused myself and left.
When he would ask "What's your problem?"
I said "My healthy boundary is to not be around you when I feel like you are under the influence or in an unhealthy place (like most he always denied using) so therefore rather than make a scene, I'm simply going to leave."
I had no control over whether he used or not - but I stated my boundary - he didn't honor it - I took action to make sure my boundary was honored. He still used but I removed myself from his presence.
I ended up leaving functions, family gatherings, our living room, our bedroom and eventually our home & marriage -
he's still using and now I'm Happy, Joyous and Free
I set a boundary - he couldn't honor it and I didn't try to control him or make him.
That's just one way to explain it.
Doesn't mean YOU have to follow my path - just thats I how started setting boundaries.
PINK HUGS to you!
Rita
Boundaries and control ~ such a tough thing for me -
It took me a while to get balance and understanding of it too -
What I learned (and reading this book several times helped) is I could set boundaries and then I had to be ready to ACT if these boundaries weren't honored.
I couldn't MAKE the A's or anyone else respect my boundary but I could ensure that they knew I was serious about that boundary.
Example:
For many years, I said "I don't want to be around you when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol" to my now ex ah. But yet I did nothing about it when he was using. He continued to use in front of me, in our home, and at functions we would attend.
Then it occured to me that I had a choice, I had options.
The last few years we were together, I started driving my own vehicle to any function we attended. When I started noticing "using behaviors" I simply excused myself and left.
When he would ask "What's your problem?"
I said "My healthy boundary is to not be around you when I feel like you are under the influence or in an unhealthy place (like most he always denied using) so therefore rather than make a scene, I'm simply going to leave."
I had no control over whether he used or not - but I stated my boundary - he didn't honor it - I took action to make sure my boundary was honored. He still used but I removed myself from his presence.
I ended up leaving functions, family gatherings, our living room, our bedroom and eventually our home & marriage -
he's still using and now I'm Happy, Joyous and Free
I set a boundary - he couldn't honor it and I didn't try to control him or make him.
That's just one way to explain it.
Doesn't mean YOU have to follow my path - just thats I how started setting boundaries.
PINK HUGS to you!
Rita
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
What if the situation is like this: I want to set a boundary between my family, particularly my father, and myself but it seems like in order to do so, I need to control them/him. I do not want my father to rely on me to help him or my brother with their problems. I do not want either of them to call me for advice or to do anything for them anymore. This is a boundary but in order for it to be in place, it requires that they act a certain way (in my control!) and only say things to me that I want to hear. I don't want to sever my ties with them but my brother only calls me when he needs something from me, so it seems like setting this boundary will, in effect, sever our tie. My father also calls me mostly when he needs something as well. I know I can't control them, so how can I set this boundary???
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Well it's your boundary and you have to enforce it ~
and that's the hard part . . .
Here are some suggestions of things you could possibly do when YOU are ready. . .
Your Father calls - he needs this or that
well your response could possibly be
"Dad I understand you have a need, and I'm sure that you will figure something out"
or
"Dad I hate you are going thru that - I wish you the best at working that out"
when your brother calls - starts talking about his issues, asking for advice, or such
you could say
"Sounds like you are going thru some really tough stuff, well like we have talked about - I don't think I am the best person to help you with this - I'll pray for you to find the best solution."
or
"I'm really overwhelmed with my own issues right now - but I have faith that you can figure it out."
They probably won't just stop doing what they have always done - just because you ask them to. We have to show them that we are going to do things differently.
Most of the time you can't set a healthy boundary and worry about other people's feelings.
But in recovery we learn, as long as we aren't vindictive, revengeful and mean - it is OK to take care of US!
Hope this helps!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
and that's the hard part . . .
Here are some suggestions of things you could possibly do when YOU are ready. . .
Your Father calls - he needs this or that
well your response could possibly be
"Dad I understand you have a need, and I'm sure that you will figure something out"
or
"Dad I hate you are going thru that - I wish you the best at working that out"
when your brother calls - starts talking about his issues, asking for advice, or such
you could say
"Sounds like you are going thru some really tough stuff, well like we have talked about - I don't think I am the best person to help you with this - I'll pray for you to find the best solution."
or
"I'm really overwhelmed with my own issues right now - but I have faith that you can figure it out."
They probably won't just stop doing what they have always done - just because you ask them to. We have to show them that we are going to do things differently.
Most of the time you can't set a healthy boundary and worry about other people's feelings.
But in recovery we learn, as long as we aren't vindictive, revengeful and mean - it is OK to take care of US!
Hope this helps!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Rita
Thanks for sharing that. I always love when people share exerpts that touch them because they often touch me as well. It is always a pleasure to read about your recovery. You have such a lovely perspective.
gentle Irish hugs!
ke
Thanks for sharing that. I always love when people share exerpts that touch them because they often touch me as well. It is always a pleasure to read about your recovery. You have such a lovely perspective.
gentle Irish hugs!
ke
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
