BeavsDad

Hello all
I've been reading here for a few months and I've learned quite a bit. I have big-time codie issues and I've been working really hard on them. Read the book, went to a meeting, but here is where I find what I'm looking for because of the vast amount of experience available.

Anyways...RAS, 20, lost scholarship, law issues, currently on probation. Started up the drug chain at 17. DOC ended up being Heroin (smoked). We have kicked him out twice and he bottomed out within a month or 2 each time. Has put together several 4 month "clean" streaks.

Halfway through month 5 he doesn't come home last Saturday (says vid games). Been steadily going to AA meetings ("better than NA") for 4+ months and doesn't go the last 2 days. Broke up again with GF which is always a bad sign.

I've had this feeling that he's "slipped" because of these indicators so I decide to straight up ask him tonight. He asks why I'm asking this and I say I'm worried. He admits to getting high a few nights back and feeling "shame/guilt" as a reason for missing meetings. I told him that this very moment is a huge crossroad and that he's taken the wrong path every time so far. I told him that his "big 3" are back. GF issues, money saved, and a recent taste. If he can put aside his pride and call someone he trusts (AA) tonight it just could save his life.

I thanked him for being honest and told him I loved him before I went to my room. The codie in me was screaming to get out and call/text all of his AA friends right now so I could be in control once again. I wanted to hide the keys, disable the vehicle, stay home from work tomorrow, etc... I share these feelings with my wife and she instantly hits me with "you can't control it, why don't you go check in with your online "peeps"".

I come out to write this and he is on the phone. A paragraph ago he told me that he is going to talk to David (AA couple years clean) and will hit his usual meeting tomorrow. I said "excellent choice, you don't want to go back huh?" He said "no" and headed out...

So here I am, preparing for a familiar night of tossing and turning and a morning full of wondering. We've been saying that this time it feels and seems really different. Now we get to find out...

Thank you all for posting your experiences and wisdom. I've found peace and strength here and I'm ready to enforce my boundries if need be...

rose

Welcome to SR BeavsDad,

So glad you found us, being surrounded by others who understand can lift some weight and help with the raging mind full of thoughts and seneros. My husband (ex) was the addict in my family. Many others here though are parents dealing with the addiction of a child, someone will be alone soon. I know it feels more comforting when you first come in here to have someone in more of your own shoes.

It is very understandable that you want to run around and dismember anything to get him to stop, believe me, we have all thought it and done it to only end up no where and they just keep on. It makes it so hard to get any type of break when they are living with us so we get the front row seat day and night.

In time though, you will start to understand that you have to look out and take care of yourself and there is tons of support here.

Again, Welcome to SR!

Rose

litehorse

welcome,beavsdad, sounds like you have prepared yourself as best you can - it is all in your son's hands at this point - i have a 28 year old AS who is doing time right now for drug related crimes - he looks better than he has in years and admits being locked up saved his life - i also found that every time i put my son out he spiraled to his bottom pretty quickly - this whole process is so difficult especially for us parents who are hard wired to "help" our children - but helping in this situation looks alien to us because the best thing we can do is nothing for them and "everything" for us - by everything i mean we do all the things for us we wish they would do for them - my prayers are with you as you travel this road - glad you found this source of strength, encouragement and experience -

Ann

I know that feeling of watching a relapse in the making and being helpless to stop it.

I hope your son connected with his support. I hope he doesn't repeat the pattern.

I am glad you stepped out of the shadows and joined us, it's a good place to be here at SR.

Hugs

outtolunch

I could relate to the front row seat and constant worry and how easy it was to sustain my own fantasy that I could control my daughter and her choices.

I eventually realized that I had no boundaries unless I enforced them. I eventually made the decision to not have an active addict living in my house. My daughter was about the same age as your son, at the time.

Seren

Hello BeavsDad, Welcome to SR!

I hope your son will decide to "do the next right thing". Ann is right, it is such a powerless feeling to watch a relapse happening knowing there is nothing we can do.

I hope, too, that you and your wife were able to get some sleep last night!

HG

BeavsDad

Thanks for the responses.
You know, I'm not ready to consider him an active addict. That is boundary #1. Illegal substance use is not welcome in our home. We also know that relapses are bound to happen. I seem to know immediately when he's slipped and I'll definitely know when it's becoming a slide. He will then be asked to make his choice. Work an active recovery at home or move out and do drugs. I'd like to say that if he chooses plan B and goes, that he will be out for good, but only time will tell...

He is great to have around and isn't any problem when sober. He works hard and is setting up for EMT school. The boy has demons though and that "stinkin thinkin" got to him recently.

He told mom that he would be hitting his noon meeting as usual today. We'll see...

I still am resisting the overwhelming urge to text his sponsor.

mooselips

Hi Beavsdad,
Just to et you know, I think I received the gold medal for awfulizing, (or did they give me all 10's) gosh, I can never remember.



One thing I CAN say for sure, it's gets SOOO tiring, the worry, the restlessness, the waiting up at night, the listening, the fretting, the aging.....good grief, I've done them all...still do sometimes...


The hard part is when you're so close to the action, it's hard not to...want to...DO SOMETHING!!! lol

I fully understand, but you know, and I know, the ball is in our kids court, not ours. And you're right, time will tell.

I'm praying for your son, and your family.

hugs........

(P.S. I love being called a "Peep" ha ha ha)

Kindeyes

BeavsDad
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find support and comfort here. I do.

I also have an adult son who is addicted. I understand the screaming codie thing....sometimes I have to play music REALLY loud to drown out that screaming codie noise.

The only thing I can say to anyone who has an addicted loved one is "work the program you wish they would". It works and helps on those restless nights.

I will keep you and your family, particularly your son, in my prayers.

gentle hugs

keepinon

I have a recovweing heroin addict daughter 6 mo. clean...she does not live with us.she lives in sober living ..I personally can't be up front and center to her addiction OR her recovery..she really needs her peers and the responsibilites of being quasi self sufficient..have you thought of sober living?

BeavsDad

UPDATE
Had to ask AS to leave again about a month and a half ago. Says he just wants to be "normal", drink on the weekends, get high occasionally etc...

I told him "I wish you could be "normal" like that, but you are an self admitted addict. If you let drugs back into your life, they will consume you. I wish you well." Told him this time when he leaves, his childhood officially ends because I'm painting his room purple and giving it to my niece who recently moved in.

It's been awkward to say the least when he does come around. The codie in me is screaming to tell him what to do and provide unsolicited advice. He isn't doing too well, but he's making his own decisions. When I see him high I get so sad and all the "what should have beens" get all stirred up. Sometimes he comes by right after work, straight as an arrow and it's a pleasant visit.

I'm trying really hard to detach from his addiction, but it's so hard to see around the elephant sometimes...

Thanks

Kindeyes

beavesdad
I'm sorry that you've had to come again to the point of asking your son to leave. I do understand as I have done it several times myself....the last time with police involvement.

My AS is ten years older than your son. He unfortunately has not had much in the way of extended sober time during his adult life. Four months was the max about 4-1/2 years ago.

It's very hard to let go. It's hard to see them struggle. I am currently no contact with my son because I just can't sit in the front row anymore. It's just too painful to watch.

Detaching for me has been difficult but I'm there now. I love him......but there is surrender and acceptance that my son has a higher power.....and I am not it.

gentle hugs
ke

BeavsDad

Thanks Kindeyes, I have been following your story and ingesting your wisdom for months. I can't imagine dealing with this 10 years from now. My mom does it (enables) with my brother who is 41 and it drives me nuts.

I don't think I'm ready to go no contact yet as there hasn't really been a whole lot of "drama". My wife is almost to the point of not wanting to see him because of the anxiety it creates.

I could stand to work on my boundary of "I won't be around you if you are high". I usually just try to ignore it.

He probably thinks I don't notice, but I can tell in a millisecond if my brightest star is dim...

I miss him.

Kindeyes

Just to touch on Cynical One's comment......I agree. It took me a lot of years to get to this point. I understand so well your thoughts Beavsdad regarding seeing that "brightest star dim". That really touched me because I have been watching as drugs have snatched away my brightest star.

We all have to deal with our situations individually and as much as they sometimes seem the same, they are also different. No one could have ever told me when my son was 20 that I would at some point feel that it was best if we didn't have contact for a while....or longer. It is heartbreaking.

There is always hope though. I occasionally go in and read the stories of addicts here on SR who are one year or more clean and sober. Some of them have been where my son is and worse, but they have found sobriety. I will always love my son and keep him in my prayers while I step back and allow his HP to do his job.

I'll keep you, your family and particularly your son in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

mooselips

Beavsdad,
I'm keeping your son and your family in my prayers.

Even though I have 2 As sons, (32 and 37) I always have hope.

For me...it took a very long time to have NC with my oldest son, I just can't take the drama anymore. He still calls on occasion, and I do tell him we love him.

hugs......

hope2be

Hello BeavsDad:
I too used to wish my adult children could be "normal". Now, I wish I could be normal

I recently attended a CODA meeting and one of the parents states he agreed with his adult child that life sucks. Stated he wished he didn't have to attend meetings and deal with Codie issues...would like to just be normal. However, the alternative of not going to meetings and working the steps are too painful. I totally agree with him.

Just wanted to say welcome to SR family,
Huggs

coffeedrinker

welcome to soberrecovery. i hope you find the comfort and guidance contained here worthwhile. there are so many smart and kind people here. and we never close.

BeavsDad

We just had a couple of his paychecks delivered to the house yesterday. I can only assume it's because he lost his job and hasn't mentioned it yet. I'm sure there will be some crazy reason (excuse).

My pre-meditated response will be "That sucks, maybe it wouldn't have happened that way if you were still in recovery, what are you going to do now?"
This usually happens around the 2 month point of his relapses...

What a crazy cycle.

outtolunch

Is he asking for your opinion? Unsolicited advise and commentary is all about us and goes in one ear and out the other of the subject.

" Bummer" is a terrific alternate response in these kinds of situations.

Chino

"You're very smart and I'm sure you'll figure it out" is another one.

I learned that from this forum