letting go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
letting go
Hi there, I'm new to these forums, but have already found a wealth of information in an area that I wish I didn't know anything about.
I was with my AH for 7 years in total, 4 of which we were married. I had no clue that entire time that he was an addict. That being said, looking back I am now quite certain that he was using throughout our relationship. I was very naive to drugs and addiction and had no idea that some of the behaviours he was displaying were indicative of drug abuse. I did know that he smoked pot from the beginning, but he was very low-key about it and gave me no indication that I should be concerned or that he may be doing something(s) more serious.
To cut a very long story short, in the final year of our marriage things started going downhill in a hurry. We'd always had our issues, but I had written them off as things that were fixable. But in the last year things got extreme. Out of nowhere he started accusing me of cheating on him and became incredibly irrational and paranoid. I thought he was either having a nervous breakdown (he was in the middle of tax audit at the time) or schizophrenic. Things got very, very bad and I had to move out. I went to his house one day to get some of my things and he was in complete meltdown. The police were called, he had a seizure in the middle of the street and the police had to take him straight to the hospital. This was when I found out it was drugs. The police officer came to to talk to me and asked if he had a history of drug abuse. I said no, and the officer produced a crunched up piece of tinfoil they had found beside him. He said that it's a good indication that he was using. I went back to his house later that night and in his car I found dozens and dozens of rolled up balls of tinfoil. In the days that he was in the hospital we found all the drug paraphernalia.
I left him. Pretty much as soon as I knew that this was the cause of all the terrible things that had transpired I was done. I know that I am extremely lucky in that we did not have children. But I want children and knew that I needed to walk away. It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done. And it was messy and I believe to this day he hates me for divorcing him.
I did try to reach out to him when things ended. I very much wanted to maintain a friendship, to be there to try to get him help, but any contact I had with him was very negative. He was so resentful of my leaving, conversations were ugly. Then he stalked me and scared me to the extent of having to move. So at that point I realized that contact was just not an option. I have not spoken to him in almost 3 years.
I still worry about him and think about him all the time. But I know that any contact I have is negative. How do you let go? Can you? I am now with a wonderful man and feel incredibly lucky. But this still haunts me every day and I really wish I could just accept what happened and let go.
I was with my AH for 7 years in total, 4 of which we were married. I had no clue that entire time that he was an addict. That being said, looking back I am now quite certain that he was using throughout our relationship. I was very naive to drugs and addiction and had no idea that some of the behaviours he was displaying were indicative of drug abuse. I did know that he smoked pot from the beginning, but he was very low-key about it and gave me no indication that I should be concerned or that he may be doing something(s) more serious.
To cut a very long story short, in the final year of our marriage things started going downhill in a hurry. We'd always had our issues, but I had written them off as things that were fixable. But in the last year things got extreme. Out of nowhere he started accusing me of cheating on him and became incredibly irrational and paranoid. I thought he was either having a nervous breakdown (he was in the middle of tax audit at the time) or schizophrenic. Things got very, very bad and I had to move out. I went to his house one day to get some of my things and he was in complete meltdown. The police were called, he had a seizure in the middle of the street and the police had to take him straight to the hospital. This was when I found out it was drugs. The police officer came to to talk to me and asked if he had a history of drug abuse. I said no, and the officer produced a crunched up piece of tinfoil they had found beside him. He said that it's a good indication that he was using. I went back to his house later that night and in his car I found dozens and dozens of rolled up balls of tinfoil. In the days that he was in the hospital we found all the drug paraphernalia.
I left him. Pretty much as soon as I knew that this was the cause of all the terrible things that had transpired I was done. I know that I am extremely lucky in that we did not have children. But I want children and knew that I needed to walk away. It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done. And it was messy and I believe to this day he hates me for divorcing him.
I did try to reach out to him when things ended. I very much wanted to maintain a friendship, to be there to try to get him help, but any contact I had with him was very negative. He was so resentful of my leaving, conversations were ugly. Then he stalked me and scared me to the extent of having to move. So at that point I realized that contact was just not an option. I have not spoken to him in almost 3 years.
I still worry about him and think about him all the time. But I know that any contact I have is negative. How do you let go? Can you? I am now with a wonderful man and feel incredibly lucky. But this still haunts me every day and I really wish I could just accept what happened and let go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I had an old BF who eventually became a poly-substance abuser after we broke up, he was already on the road towards that. I still care about him because I honestly loved him, and real love to me means forever. It took me many years to stop wondering about him. You used the word 'haunt' and that's what happened in my dreams. I had haunting dreams about him and they were all terrible.
I don't know how you feel about a Higher Power, but it was prayer that finally freed me. I prayed for both of us.
I don't know how you feel about a Higher Power, but it was prayer that finally freed me. I prayed for both of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Thanks Chino. I guess it's probably something that I will come to terms with in time. I send him good wishes and hope only the best for him. I just wish I could reach out to him without the negativity. There's been no closure on this and I'm terrified that something will happen to him and he'll never know how much I cared about him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi thailand,
Welcome to SR! This is a great place for sharing experience, strength, and hope (ES&H).
Although my current qualifier is my A stepson and I have never dated someone with addiction, I do know how hard it is to just forget someone you have loved. I hope that time will heal the hurt and quiet the "wondering" thoughts.
HG
Welcome to SR! This is a great place for sharing experience, strength, and hope (ES&H).
Although my current qualifier is my A stepson and I have never dated someone with addiction, I do know how hard it is to just forget someone you have loved. I hope that time will heal the hurt and quiet the "wondering" thoughts.
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Hi hydrogirl, I'm sure you're right. Time is usually the answer isn't it? I really don't want to forget him. I just wish I could come to terms with everything and accept the fact that he made his choice and given that choice, I made mine. But it's easier said than done.
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