New here, and in love with a recovering addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1
New here, and in love with a recovering addict
Hey yall. My name is Kimberlee and I am fixing to be 25 years old. I have been with my boyfriend, 30, for over 2 years now.
Heres my LONG story...
When we met, he was open and honest about his past with drugs and he was fresh out of rehab. He was clean and sober and doing well. Had left a bad marriage a year prior to me. He has 2 little girls that I love dearly.
His DOC is crack cocaine. He recently fell off the wagon. He stole some money from me, and he stole from an ex friends fiance and they pressed charges and he was in jail for 5 days.
This is NOT the man I love.
Anyway, I told my mom who was at first very sympathetic and felt bad that I was hurting so bad and that I was completely confused as to what to do. She told me if I stayed with him, hes "family" and we will support him. She then convinces me to tell my father. Oh God. And see my parents did like him, my mother even asked me last week when we were going to get married and shes ready to be a grandma, etc.
Anyways I did tell my dad. That didnt go well. At all. Then my mom changed her attitude. Its been hell.
Well when he finally got out, and mind you when he was there he was constantly trying to get his mom to let me speak to him on the phone but I refused, I of course came over to talk to him. We talked etc, he was so distraught and so ashamed of what he did. He said he had nothinh but time to think about everything and he was certain he never ever ever wanted to hurt me or touch a drug ever again. He got on his hands and knees and swore on his grandfather bible he would never put this on me or anyone again, that he had too much to lose, and it was very emotional and brught me to tears bc I do love him with all my heart. I saw something in him and it made me have a little hope. He even called my dad to apologize and tell him how much he loved me and how he didnt want to lose me. That was hard for him and my dad basically told him he doesnt want me having anything to do with him and that he wishes him personally all the best. he tried to call my mom too but she didnt answer.
well last night he came out to my entire family, my aunts (moms sisters) and my cousins. told them everything, what he done how he felt. it was a veryy hard step for him bc he is not an open person at all buut he did all the talking and i said not one word. my aunt then tells him she considers him a part of our family and asks what we as a family can do to support his recovery. it meant alot to me and it meant a whole lot to him. and my aunt has struggled with this bc her own kids have had children woth drug addicts and they NEVER apologized and came clean. she said she respected him for it and i should atleast give him a chance to prove himself.
he already had a job interview today, goes in monday for drug test (which yes, he will pass) and possibly starts tuesday. making decent to start ($500 a week and they have an education program where they will send you to school).
it feels good to have the support of my family, but the lack from my parents. dads reaction was expected but my mom is in a relationship with a guy who drinks way too much, smokes week like crazy and has actually laid his hands on her. my mom isnt an alocoholic but when she drinks she is uncontrollable and that is why i do not live with her (mom is in tx, dad in ga and me in ms). shes even caught him red handed with another woman and hes insulted her family in front of her. and NEVER apologized and she chooses to stay with him and swears today "hes changed". also, her step brother robbed a bank and when he got out of prison she wanted him to come stay with her to get his life on track.
what makes me upset is they arent treating him like a human being. i love him and ive thought alot about this and i know he is capable of doing this. hes going to a very good outpatient rehab next week (my cousin went to the same one and it did very well) and he is also going to talk to a psychologist and take counseling classes. all that stuff is over at the rehab and his appointments are set.
anyone had this happen with any GOOD outcome, and where their parents thought negativley but now dont?
HELP.
Heres my LONG story...
When we met, he was open and honest about his past with drugs and he was fresh out of rehab. He was clean and sober and doing well. Had left a bad marriage a year prior to me. He has 2 little girls that I love dearly.
His DOC is crack cocaine. He recently fell off the wagon. He stole some money from me, and he stole from an ex friends fiance and they pressed charges and he was in jail for 5 days.
This is NOT the man I love.
Anyway, I told my mom who was at first very sympathetic and felt bad that I was hurting so bad and that I was completely confused as to what to do. She told me if I stayed with him, hes "family" and we will support him. She then convinces me to tell my father. Oh God. And see my parents did like him, my mother even asked me last week when we were going to get married and shes ready to be a grandma, etc.
Anyways I did tell my dad. That didnt go well. At all. Then my mom changed her attitude. Its been hell.
Well when he finally got out, and mind you when he was there he was constantly trying to get his mom to let me speak to him on the phone but I refused, I of course came over to talk to him. We talked etc, he was so distraught and so ashamed of what he did. He said he had nothinh but time to think about everything and he was certain he never ever ever wanted to hurt me or touch a drug ever again. He got on his hands and knees and swore on his grandfather bible he would never put this on me or anyone again, that he had too much to lose, and it was very emotional and brught me to tears bc I do love him with all my heart. I saw something in him and it made me have a little hope. He even called my dad to apologize and tell him how much he loved me and how he didnt want to lose me. That was hard for him and my dad basically told him he doesnt want me having anything to do with him and that he wishes him personally all the best. he tried to call my mom too but she didnt answer.
well last night he came out to my entire family, my aunts (moms sisters) and my cousins. told them everything, what he done how he felt. it was a veryy hard step for him bc he is not an open person at all buut he did all the talking and i said not one word. my aunt then tells him she considers him a part of our family and asks what we as a family can do to support his recovery. it meant alot to me and it meant a whole lot to him. and my aunt has struggled with this bc her own kids have had children woth drug addicts and they NEVER apologized and came clean. she said she respected him for it and i should atleast give him a chance to prove himself.
he already had a job interview today, goes in monday for drug test (which yes, he will pass) and possibly starts tuesday. making decent to start ($500 a week and they have an education program where they will send you to school).
it feels good to have the support of my family, but the lack from my parents. dads reaction was expected but my mom is in a relationship with a guy who drinks way too much, smokes week like crazy and has actually laid his hands on her. my mom isnt an alocoholic but when she drinks she is uncontrollable and that is why i do not live with her (mom is in tx, dad in ga and me in ms). shes even caught him red handed with another woman and hes insulted her family in front of her. and NEVER apologized and she chooses to stay with him and swears today "hes changed". also, her step brother robbed a bank and when he got out of prison she wanted him to come stay with her to get his life on track.
what makes me upset is they arent treating him like a human being. i love him and ive thought alot about this and i know he is capable of doing this. hes going to a very good outpatient rehab next week (my cousin went to the same one and it did very well) and he is also going to talk to a psychologist and take counseling classes. all that stuff is over at the rehab and his appointments are set.
anyone had this happen with any GOOD outcome, and where their parents thought negativley but now dont?
HELP.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, Kamyette, gald you found us.
I'm sorry for your pain, it must be hard for you dealing with him and the entire family joining in on what's right for "you".
This may be a slip that will help him grow and become more secure in his recovery....or, it could be the beginning of a long road of active addiction that leads through hell and back. Many addicts find and embrace recovery, others struggle for years and years. Thing is, we never know how it will be for the addict we love.
Right now might be a good time to take notice of the "red flags" and let his actions determine what you decide for the future. Words, as sincere as they may be at the time, mean nothing unless the actions that follows confirms the truth. And maybe give this lots of time to unfold. Marriage and children can add complications if this all goes south. And if it goes well, you can make future plans without fear of tomorrow.
Something that has helped many of us regain our balance is live meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about us, not their substance, and taking care of ourselves through life. They are good programs for all areas of our lives, and I know that what I learned at my meetings has helped me many times when I was confused or distressed. Maybe check your area and give them a try?
Make yourself comfortable, others will be along to welcome you also and to share their experience, strength and hope.
Hugs
I'm sorry for your pain, it must be hard for you dealing with him and the entire family joining in on what's right for "you".
This may be a slip that will help him grow and become more secure in his recovery....or, it could be the beginning of a long road of active addiction that leads through hell and back. Many addicts find and embrace recovery, others struggle for years and years. Thing is, we never know how it will be for the addict we love.
Right now might be a good time to take notice of the "red flags" and let his actions determine what you decide for the future. Words, as sincere as they may be at the time, mean nothing unless the actions that follows confirms the truth. And maybe give this lots of time to unfold. Marriage and children can add complications if this all goes south. And if it goes well, you can make future plans without fear of tomorrow.
Something that has helped many of us regain our balance is live meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about us, not their substance, and taking care of ourselves through life. They are good programs for all areas of our lives, and I know that what I learned at my meetings has helped me many times when I was confused or distressed. Maybe check your area and give them a try?
Make yourself comfortable, others will be along to welcome you also and to share their experience, strength and hope.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 13
Hi Kamyette,
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My initial reaction was similar to yours - to turn to my family to help. I hope that things get easier for you.
I've struggled a lot with my wife who is addicted to Meth and support from my family - some who seem to understand addiction and be more supportive than others. I've felt really sad sometimes at the hurtful things some of my family members have said about my wife and wondered why they aren't more compassionate. I've found it a lot easier to talk and learn from people at Alanon and Naranon, they seem to be more understanding about what I'm going through - because they've been there!
Overall what I've learned matters most is what I know and learn about the wild world of addiction and recovery - recovery for my wife and for myself. When it all comes down to it I am going to have to make the decisions on my own, when I am ready, and I am going to be the one living with her and the decisions that I make. Everyone else - both of our familys, and our friends will have their own opinions. But we will be living the paths we choose.
My dad initially just wanted me to move back home and was really upset with my wife, and since then has become more supportive and taken a step back. I also have stopped sharing a lot of details with him and talked more about how I am doing and less about how my wife is doing. I've done that with my sister too - that way they get updates about me and know I'm ok - but are less focused on my wife.
I hope this has been of some help to you and that things get better!
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My initial reaction was similar to yours - to turn to my family to help. I hope that things get easier for you.
I've struggled a lot with my wife who is addicted to Meth and support from my family - some who seem to understand addiction and be more supportive than others. I've felt really sad sometimes at the hurtful things some of my family members have said about my wife and wondered why they aren't more compassionate. I've found it a lot easier to talk and learn from people at Alanon and Naranon, they seem to be more understanding about what I'm going through - because they've been there!
Overall what I've learned matters most is what I know and learn about the wild world of addiction and recovery - recovery for my wife and for myself. When it all comes down to it I am going to have to make the decisions on my own, when I am ready, and I am going to be the one living with her and the decisions that I make. Everyone else - both of our familys, and our friends will have their own opinions. But we will be living the paths we choose.
My dad initially just wanted me to move back home and was really upset with my wife, and since then has become more supportive and taken a step back. I also have stopped sharing a lot of details with him and talked more about how I am doing and less about how my wife is doing. I've done that with my sister too - that way they get updates about me and know I'm ok - but are less focused on my wife.
I hope this has been of some help to you and that things get better!
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