I left!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: AZ
Posts: 2
I left!
Hello all,
SO happy to find this site! I need support right now...
I have a crazy story, but sounds absolutely normal after reading the threads. I got back back with an old boyfriend from my teens (first love). Im 25 he is 28 now. He told me when we got together he used to have a drug problem and so I was so naive I believed it. Two months later he confesses he has a problem and needs to get help. So he went to rehab. Of course I stayed and supported his decision to get clean, I could respect that. I still had no idea about addiction. he told me it was Oxys and heroin he would sniff. Eventually I got it out of him that he used to shoot heroin. So lad-de daa I think hes clean from July till the end of December. We made plans to move from Boston to Arizona for the heck of it.
Now that we were driving across the country I was spending a lot of time with him. There were so many signs of his use that I didnt realize but I actually started to get suspicious. He was spending soo much time in the bathroom and waking up early (sick). SO the night we arrived in Arizona I was sitting near the bathroom unpacking clothes and hear plastic falling on the floor (needle or needle cap) and I ask what are you doing?? "Nothing" I bust open the door and caught him with the needle in his arm. OOO man did my world crash. Here I am away from all my comfort.he had no heroin(actually shot a suboxone) and was planning on making a connection the next day. I took him to the methodone clinic bc he was having bad withdrawals and this was the quickest option I could think of at the time and he agreed.
I had all the money for the past two months and then he started making money, opened up an acct.
I know he put in some clean time( not really recovery just abstinent) I watched him like a hawk (exhausting) but him having money gave me anxiety. The past few weeks I was getting suspicious. Remember I gave him the ultimatium so ultimately he was only stopping for me and not his decision. I was unsure of this but I gave it a chance.
I was getting suspicious bc he started sniffling a lot, finding pens with missing tops, and he told me his friend offered him a vic at work. We were fighting a lot now bc I was accusing and questioning and he was very impatient with this getting defensive.
He passed the heroin drug test. I thought he was using painkillers so I bought one that tests for them two weeks later. Then we got in a huge blowout one night because he agreed to take the test and after several hours of just asking him to do it and drink water he refused and said hes not taking it bc I kept nagging him (hmmmm)
So he left that night to sleep in his truck. The next day I said if you dont take the test I am leaving. How can I build up trust with you if you cant cant **** in the damn cup? So theeeeeeeeeeen he admitted he took a vic the day before bc we were arguing and I was threatening to leave. But to him it was just a little pill. It doesnt count!
Thennn his phone rings in the middle of the night and then the following night. I ask who it is..Oh just a friend from back home. Who? No coherent explanation then I see its an AZ number. OK who the f### is it? Admits its a drug dealer. REDDDD FLAG goodbye.
I really love this kid! I always have. He was not an addict back in the day. It broke and still breaks my heart. I just left in the middle of the night without much warning. he knew it was coming. He is still in denial and does not really understand why I left. He thinks he didnt really mess up (bc he wasnt doing heroin or something) It was going down there. The past two months started becoming a living nightmare of worries, anxiety, insecurities. I couldnt accept my life like that. Walking away was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Since I left he has made minimal effort to get back but he thinks it was my decision to leave and he did everything he could, the best he could he says. Maybe that is his best. He did say I deserve better after I caught him shooting that night. It is a shattered dream. I do not believe he is the one, and I knew that from the beginning. We are on different levels. I am a very spiritual person into improving my life, positive attitude, he is just not!
but he is still very special. Some days I just want to run back to his arms. He is a loving sensitive man. But really angry since being off drugs even holding resentment towards me because I took it away.
My instincts tell me his is not ready to change. He is a functional heroin addict. Makes decent money. But I can not go down that road with him. The damage and trust is gone it would take me years to build up.
I plan on moving on from this. It hurts to lose him to drugs but I think I left at a good time. He keeps saying he is clean, but I doubt it. i told him to call after a year of clean time and then we will talk.Truly I just want to move on with my life and maybe in time Ill find someone like me.
Somedays I cant even hold it together. Its so dissapointing and feels pathetic to loose someone to a silly drug. But I remember its a disease. I hope he stays safe out here and I wish him well. I do not keep contact and have told him to stay out my life, too painful to talk.. I saw him on Sat to give him the key back and sign the room mate release form. He looked horrible- he said hes clean and if that meant annything to me?
I cant imagine a life like that and I can see how it goes on for years. Its so hard being so far away from all of my friends and fam but I do have things that are working out for me here so I hold on to those tight. I can start to build my self esteem back up and do me things. Still dont feel like a whole person. I really just want to move past my pain but I know it takes time.
Thank you so much for listening and lots of healing to anyone suffering from this.
SO happy to find this site! I need support right now...
I have a crazy story, but sounds absolutely normal after reading the threads. I got back back with an old boyfriend from my teens (first love). Im 25 he is 28 now. He told me when we got together he used to have a drug problem and so I was so naive I believed it. Two months later he confesses he has a problem and needs to get help. So he went to rehab. Of course I stayed and supported his decision to get clean, I could respect that. I still had no idea about addiction. he told me it was Oxys and heroin he would sniff. Eventually I got it out of him that he used to shoot heroin. So lad-de daa I think hes clean from July till the end of December. We made plans to move from Boston to Arizona for the heck of it.
Now that we were driving across the country I was spending a lot of time with him. There were so many signs of his use that I didnt realize but I actually started to get suspicious. He was spending soo much time in the bathroom and waking up early (sick). SO the night we arrived in Arizona I was sitting near the bathroom unpacking clothes and hear plastic falling on the floor (needle or needle cap) and I ask what are you doing?? "Nothing" I bust open the door and caught him with the needle in his arm. OOO man did my world crash. Here I am away from all my comfort.he had no heroin(actually shot a suboxone) and was planning on making a connection the next day. I took him to the methodone clinic bc he was having bad withdrawals and this was the quickest option I could think of at the time and he agreed.
I had all the money for the past two months and then he started making money, opened up an acct.
I know he put in some clean time( not really recovery just abstinent) I watched him like a hawk (exhausting) but him having money gave me anxiety. The past few weeks I was getting suspicious. Remember I gave him the ultimatium so ultimately he was only stopping for me and not his decision. I was unsure of this but I gave it a chance.
I was getting suspicious bc he started sniffling a lot, finding pens with missing tops, and he told me his friend offered him a vic at work. We were fighting a lot now bc I was accusing and questioning and he was very impatient with this getting defensive.
He passed the heroin drug test. I thought he was using painkillers so I bought one that tests for them two weeks later. Then we got in a huge blowout one night because he agreed to take the test and after several hours of just asking him to do it and drink water he refused and said hes not taking it bc I kept nagging him (hmmmm)
So he left that night to sleep in his truck. The next day I said if you dont take the test I am leaving. How can I build up trust with you if you cant cant **** in the damn cup? So theeeeeeeeeeen he admitted he took a vic the day before bc we were arguing and I was threatening to leave. But to him it was just a little pill. It doesnt count!
Thennn his phone rings in the middle of the night and then the following night. I ask who it is..Oh just a friend from back home. Who? No coherent explanation then I see its an AZ number. OK who the f### is it? Admits its a drug dealer. REDDDD FLAG goodbye.
I really love this kid! I always have. He was not an addict back in the day. It broke and still breaks my heart. I just left in the middle of the night without much warning. he knew it was coming. He is still in denial and does not really understand why I left. He thinks he didnt really mess up (bc he wasnt doing heroin or something) It was going down there. The past two months started becoming a living nightmare of worries, anxiety, insecurities. I couldnt accept my life like that. Walking away was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Since I left he has made minimal effort to get back but he thinks it was my decision to leave and he did everything he could, the best he could he says. Maybe that is his best. He did say I deserve better after I caught him shooting that night. It is a shattered dream. I do not believe he is the one, and I knew that from the beginning. We are on different levels. I am a very spiritual person into improving my life, positive attitude, he is just not!
but he is still very special. Some days I just want to run back to his arms. He is a loving sensitive man. But really angry since being off drugs even holding resentment towards me because I took it away.
My instincts tell me his is not ready to change. He is a functional heroin addict. Makes decent money. But I can not go down that road with him. The damage and trust is gone it would take me years to build up.
I plan on moving on from this. It hurts to lose him to drugs but I think I left at a good time. He keeps saying he is clean, but I doubt it. i told him to call after a year of clean time and then we will talk.Truly I just want to move on with my life and maybe in time Ill find someone like me.
Somedays I cant even hold it together. Its so dissapointing and feels pathetic to loose someone to a silly drug. But I remember its a disease. I hope he stays safe out here and I wish him well. I do not keep contact and have told him to stay out my life, too painful to talk.. I saw him on Sat to give him the key back and sign the room mate release form. He looked horrible- he said hes clean and if that meant annything to me?
I cant imagine a life like that and I can see how it goes on for years. Its so hard being so far away from all of my friends and fam but I do have things that are working out for me here so I hold on to those tight. I can start to build my self esteem back up and do me things. Still dont feel like a whole person. I really just want to move past my pain but I know it takes time.
Thank you so much for listening and lots of healing to anyone suffering from this.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, Bella, I'm so glad you joined us.
Even when leaving is the right thing to do, it can be painful. Often it means the end of a dream that can't come true.
Be good to yourself and take time to grieve, just don't hang out there too long. And know that you will find lots of support here. We're all walking with you as you move forward.
Hugs
Even when leaving is the right thing to do, it can be painful. Often it means the end of a dream that can't come true.
Be good to yourself and take time to grieve, just don't hang out there too long. And know that you will find lots of support here. We're all walking with you as you move forward.
Hugs
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