helplessinvan

Hello SR!

I have been a lurker for a few months, and this is my first real post.

This place has been great, reading that I am not the only one in my position is comforting (and sad too, knowing that so many are going through this b/s).

I'm living with my abf, who's doc is crack. He had been clean for 5 years, then relasped last year in April.

Apparently, I am the reason for the relapse, or, as he puts it - "He lit the pipe, but I put it in his hand". Whatever guilt I felt for him relapsing is fading, and I do realize that relapsing was a CHOICE he made.

The past year has opened my eyes to addiction, which is something I never thought I would have to learn about. I came upon this site in December, and have started to see a counsellor, but have not yet had the courage to go to a Naranon meeting. I've discovered throughout this process that I am a huge codie, and have other issues that never occured to me before (that have to do with ME and who I am, not my abf, but of course, since we are together, would affect our relationship) and my counsellor is making me question everything about what I thought about myself for my whole life...and that in itself is very hard. Throw in the abf, and I'm going crazy!!

I am slowly getting to the point where I know I have to put my foot down and let him go to either choose rehab or me, but I'm not quite there yet. In my mind I know what I shouldn't let him do, but my heart won't let me enforce it yet.

Anyways, don't want to make this too long, I just have a question. I'm trying to set up boundaries (and hopefully sticking to them, as I know that setting them and not sticking to them is useless) - can anyone suggest some that worked for you? I understand that they have to be my boundaries as I am different from everyone else, but I'm just needing some help.

One that I've set is I'm not going to give anymore money to ABF, NO MATTER WHAT. (I'm still paying the bills and food etc so maybe it's only half a boundary?!) This is where I need help....is that a good enough boundary, or not? And of course, the big one is, if he uses again he has to leave....that boundary has been said, but I get manipulated into letting him stay.

What boundarys worked for you, and how did you find the strength to keep it?

Chino

I originally found this list in the FFA forum and I refer to them all the time:

http://www.health.msstate.edu/scs/pd...boundaries.pdf

outtolunch

It's easy to confuse boundaries with attempts to control other people. A boundary starts with I as in:

"I will not financially support someone who is capable of supporting himself."

"I will not live with someone in active addiction".

" I will not associate with anyone in active addiction"

Boundaries let go of the outcome. He is free to freeload elsewhere. He is free to love the pipe. Those are his choices.

A control starts with you, as in:

" You go to rehab or I am out of here".

Attempts to control other people backfire. He chooses the pipe and then you get to play the poor victim, and do the "he loves the pipe more than me" thing. Just a lot of BS.

He's an addict doing what addicts do. Rehab does not cure addiction. At best, they can teach a highly motivated addict some of the tools of recovery. Someone who is blaming you for picking up the pipe is not highly motivated.

He's got you, a free financial ride and the pipe. It's working for him.

If, for whatever reason, you choose ( and it is your choice) to stay in this situation ( not a relationship) please protect your assets and credit and routinely get yourself checked out for STDs. Stealing and promiscuity go hand in hand with crack addiction.

No such thing as manipulation, short of gunpoint. He blames you for his addiction. You blame him for manipulating you. Two toddlers throwing sand at each other, in the sandbox. No one is taking responsibility, here.

We either allow others to use/blame us or we don't. It's a choice. Adults take responsibility for their choices and the consequences. We can spend a lifetime in therapy figuring out why we are the way we are or we can jumpstart our own recovery from codependency and make better choices, because frankly, we are worth it.

helplessinvan

Thanks Chino for the post, I will take a read!

And thanks Outtolunch, for the frank but kind words of advice...it was something i need to hear, although to be honest, it may take awhile for me to listen....but i am slowly getting there.

you said "rehab does not cure addiction" - does anything cure it?!

thequest

outto said it best- As an adult take responsibility and consequences.

Which many an addict or abuser won't do. I think that's the problem. The more sober tend to think about this much more often and incorporate it into daily life.

I say keep the boundries very practical and doable. No money IS a biggie. Make sure the addict does basic chores. Alot here say be very carefull not to get into a negotiation or bargin with the addict. Especially as an adult because they will feel you are trying to control them. Kids will rebel(expected)The problem one here basically thinks were persecuting him for denying him 'loans'(money)-he's an adult and knows were not thrilled with his lifestyle- has said & thinks were judging or trying to control him.

After seeing the recent post about the mom buying back stolen merchandise from a criminal I'd say use this as an example NOT to get involved the addict's habit in anyway. You might not be giving them the drugs but you're shielding them from the consequences they must suffer.

Good Luck

Rooberri

Still learning something new everyday......

I understand that setting boundries is very hard especially with someone that you love. But I do have to say that after you set them and then use them for the first time - it's the best feeling in the world. I kick myself in the butt everytime I use one because I look back and say "man...I wish I had done that back then".

I think boundries are the healthiest thing that I can do for myself. It's gives me strength that I have never felt before.

It's kinda lilke jumping off a cliff....scarey during the fall....but when you hit the ground.....you hit the ground running!!!! It's great!

It's a lot like being "alone" with yourself....and it feels good!

Sending prayers for strength~

Roo

anaserene

Thanks so much for posting this link. Every single descriptor of collapsed boundaries applies to me except one. It's incredible how much I am learning from you all.

coffeedrinker

hey there, helplessinvan,

WELCOME to sober recovery. since you have "lurked" for awhile, you already know what a great group this is here. this forum has helped me more than i can say.

all the boundaries advice posted are great. it does take awhile to get your head around it. and then to set them and enforce them....takes practice. use us as your sounding board. and we'll forgive you if YOU relapse!

you are stuck right now in the hope cycle. you get disillusioned, then something sparks a hope in you - which frankly is probably more about fear than anything - then you get disgusted or angry again. it can be never-ending.

keep questioning what's going on inside of you. evaluate why you think it's a good idea to keep your roommate who is using a street chemical that eats up tons of money, self esteem, and pretty much every thing else that is important in this life.

jalapenolover

We all must have boundaries in place, I am learning as well. However; as horrible as it sounds... I don't even want to talk to my AS. Seems when I do.. I just get worked up. I do shoot a text every few days saying I love him but; man its tough! Is that so bad? Not even wanting to talk?

helplessinvan

Thanks to all of you for your welcomes and replies, I feel better having finally posted something, and getting back such kind words and advice.

Cynical One - thanks for sending actual examples of some boundaries... it's easier now to think of ones I need to set, now I just need to actually put into practice.

Why is it so easy to think about boundaries, write them down, actually say them out loud to myself while driving home from work, but as soon as I walk in the door - they get stuck in my throat? I know, I'm such a scardey cat - and that worries me too because I have never thought of myself as one who would not stand up for myself, however, this situation has made me realize how much crap I put up with!! Why? Now I am questioning who I am...where did that come from?

Funny how if I were an observer to this situation, say, if my friend was in the same situation i am in, I would tell her what she should be doing and how she should be doing it etc - but when the shoe is on my foot - I can't do anything at all...I know WHAT i should do, but CAN'T do it, or i guess, WON'T do it?

Makes me realize that I should never judge anyone and/or their situations or tell them what to do - which I am guilty of doing, until I've lived in their shoes, I can't say anything.

Chino

That reminds me of something else I read in the FFA forum:

"You don't have problems, you have solutions you don't like."

I'm going to create something from that quote, like one of those motivational posters or something like that. I need the reminder.