thequest

If you don't enable but others do is it all for nothing?


After I thought the problem one was shut down for awhile he's asking for money again. I wouldn't but right away in hissy fit huff he said never mind I'll go to the softie in the family-the one who canNOT afford it the most! He tried using that as leverage against me so I would relent and give him the loan. I warned the others but their sympathies ly in the argument of keeping him out of bankruptcy for his own good. He's tested me several times for money with the same result. The softie is undecided for now.

If nothing else I think I convinced the softie to really push him on details of his plans for the money and himself, really put him through the ringers. Don't think it will do squat to them or the problem one. The problem one hates bureaucracy so I'm hoping begging might disuade him at least for the future.

Ann

Ahhh yes, I too have felt a need for an Anon-anonymous meeting to help me let go of other codies who haven't found recovery like me.

Once I finally learned to set boundaries and stop enabling, it would make my teeth hurt when someone else just stepped up to the plate and took over.

Warning them is fair game. Trying to control them is futile.

I am powerless over enablers and my life can still be manageable if I step back and let them learn their own lessons.

Big hugs because I used to be them and now I am you and it all looks different today.

mooselips

morning,
My in-laws are enablers.
I gave my best definition of enabling to them a long time ago, so now they're on their own.

They HAVE stopped enabling the oldest son, but are now sending money to the youngest in prison.



Most people, after they get burned enough, take their hands out of the fire.

Kindeyes

That's a tough one......luckily there are not any enablers available for my AS except other addicts. I definitely don't have any control over them. I agree with Moose on this one. When one gets burned enough times, they'll pull their hands out of the fire.

Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully others will follow your lead.

gentle hugs

thequest

I've been thinking if I can at least get the softie to pay for one of the problem one's bills directly rather than give him money. I can only do so much as far as changing stance/opinion but would keeping cash out of the hands of the problem be effective at all?

Chino

The only thing that accomplishes is keeping cash out of their hands, when the greater issue is this person not owning their own life. They have no incentive when cash is given and/or bills are paid.

It is not all for nothing for YOU when YOU are no longer an enabler

jalapenolover

I love this thread! My mom has been calling me telling me that my AS has asked her for a ride to get groceries, asked for a mop, etc. She asks me, "Jalapeno - is this enabling". I told her that I have MY boundaries and she will learn to create hers as well. I do stress for her NOT to give him money.

jalapenolover

I meant to add that - the 'softie' will EVENTUALLY get it. Lets all hope anyway. Hugs to you.

fourmaggie

enablers...hummm., well, there is none in my close family...but when my NA tried to "get into" my family (for some sabatoge work, i figured) it never worked...so none of us are enables...and that i have to say, I am proud of me for that...others see clearly too....

Ann

Oh I just love that saying. Thanks Moose, you're a wise lady.

Hugs

coffeedrinker

Quest,

I think, no, it is NOT all for nothing.

You saying "no" is not only to assist your addict in his discovery, but IT IS FOR YOU, honey! You don't have to wake up with that "oh, I shouldn't-a done it" hangover, and you don't have to worry that you were an enabler and took part in his sickness, and you are establishing boundaries and other behaviors to take PRIDE in.

Peace, sweetheart, it's not for naught.

sojourner

I second Coffeedrinker. It is not all for nothing.

Not only is not enabling good for you, it is good for your addicted loved one. Our message is like a light in a dark room to all who hear it. I too have felt the pain of seeing other enablers step in where I left off (along with their negative judgement of me for having done so).

When you think about, the world is full of enablers. The line never ends, so when one enabler quits, another one just steps up to the plate. If and when an addicted person moves into recovery, it is not because they ran out of enablers. It is because something inside them happened.

thequest

Just some venting but the problem got his "loan". After heading for a bottom including a much more subdued personality his attitude picked right up again almost coinciding with the loan. Almost textbook results of enabling when you think you're helping.

I tried explaining to the older family members about enabling, he's playing you etc they came back with the same keep him out of bankruptcy pity party. To top it off I think the enabler is lying about how much he gave him. He says just a loan for legal trouble but I think he gave more.

I tried explaining he really hasn't hit bottom or lived a peasant life etc. But the elders look at us young uns even with gray hair as a 20 year old that need their two cents and then some.

thequest

vent II, less than a week after the enabler was getting ready/waiting to sign the check the problem one doesn't ask for it. Long story short found out after looking at his court case online he owes double what he said. Apparently he's complaining the debt holder's lawyer lied, not his lawyer but the debt holder's lawyer-huh? He's also complaining his buddy & free advice lawyer steered him in the wrong direction. He thinks he can make a deal with anybody-residue from his days in management negotiating from a power position. The funny thing is when looking online his debt holders have a history of winning cases. Found out he was trying to renogiate numbers from previous court order which is why the numbers don't match(lied from the begining on the numbers). The enabler's attitude has gone from staunch ally to begining to resent him-they see the real deal-finally.

The problem is more miserable than ever, his current steroid or growth hormone cycle agitates him as is. He doesn't get his way he already becomes a bomb . Also realized his drinking increases during steroid/supplement use.

Freedom1990

I find it interesting, if not disconcerting that you refer to this human being as "the problem" and talk about him as if he were an inanimate object like a rock or something.

Addiction is ugly, and devastates family and friends. It's a painful disease.

My 33-year-old AD is not "the problem."

The problem was me and how I chose to stay in the dysfunction of her disease. I can still be the problem if I'm not careful to work a program of recovery for myself.

She's still an active addict.

That's no longer my problem.

thequest

I use "the problem one" is for confidentiality as much as anything since several of his friends have gone through rehab, counseling etc and they very well might be lurking here. They are much more likely to seek help and/or want to change have changed. Another reason is he has so many different issues, addictions or problems they all add up to one big problem. I have other names and descriptions but I don't think they're allowed.

I mentioned that finally I think the relatives that have been financially enabling him finally realize they're not just helping him out with money problems. Once the family money is cut anyway he will be forced to deal with those problems on his own including that fact just because we're family we don't owe him anything at this point.