HowManyChances

My ex is an opiate addict. I have been on here before seeking advice and what not. It finally ended. He came to my house with a gash on his head saying he got jumped. With me being in school for nursing I fixed it up for him. Stupid me had to look at his phone when he was sleeping. That gash was from another girls tooth. A girl, that i learned from the text messages, is not only his "babe" but they get high together. I let him get the best of me. I attacked him. All the built up anger and stress. I put up with him through everything, every stint in rehab, and this is what i get? To be cheated on with a girl that is a drug addict. Sure she may be skinnier from the drugs, but she doesnt hold a flame for what i got, and thats a future. Im now dealing with the guilt on myself. Why did i do that, why did i let him get to me like that. why did i take him back so many times. why?

Ann

Sometimes we just have to keep repeating the lesson until we learn it. Personally, I'm a slow learner too, but when I know better, I do better.

Don't beat yourself up, don't beat anyone up.

Move forward knowing that you can rise above all this and find a better way to live...because you deserve better.

Al-Anon meetings helped many of us find a better way. Maybe give them a try, you have nothing to lose and lots to gain.

Hugs

Kindeyes

You are a kind, compassionate person....that's why you let him get the best of you. And those are wonderful qualities to have. I'm like Ann......I'm a slow learner too but I'm getting there and you will too.

gentle hugs

HowManyChances

Brian passed away on 3/30/11. 5 days shy of his 25th birthday. We broke up the beginning of march because of what happened in this post. Tuesday march 29th, i was out at the bar and i needed a ride home. He picked me up. Came to my house. We got in an argument about some girl that thought he was trying to talk to her. I took him back to his car at 330. Call him as soon as i got home and said sorry and asked him to come back over, he said he couldnt bc he had to be up at work at 530. He wasnt high that night. I can tell he wasnt. I said mean things in text messages bc i was intoxicated and he wouldnt come back. I told him i hoped he nodded out wrecked and died. 8am brians mom called me to tell me he was life flighted to a hospital. I went to be by his side. He didnt make it. He was brain dead. They kept him on the vent a day longer bc he was an organ donor. Hardest thing i will ever expierence in my life. The driver behind him told his mother he was driving in the opposite lane of traffic and didnt even break. Im haunted with the guilt of the things i said, or the things i should of done. If only i was still in his life. If only i didnt call him over and he wasnt tired driving. or was it that he did it bc he knew we were over and i wished that upon him. i hate god. its not fair. my world is upside down. one big blur. this isnt the way its supposed to be. i was only broken up with him to teach him a lesson and get back together with him and get married and have babies and live in the type of house we always talked about. i was gunna be a nurse and he would of eventually opened up his own concrete business. Now there is no brian, there are none of those dreams. I cant even stand walking into hospitals now, so there is no me being a nurse. I want to rewind time. i want to be in his arms again. i need help. my doctor gave me ativan for my panic attacks i have constantly. sometimes i think about taking all of them. or when im driving down the road i think about driving off the road or just driving in front of a tractor trailer. i try and push those thoughts out of my head, but they keep reoccurring. i want him back. thats the only way to get him back.

suki44883

I'm so sorry. But, hon, killing yourself won't get Brian back. He's gone and you're still alive. Please, if you feel suicidal, call the suicide hotline.

1-800-273-8255

They can help you. Please, take care of yourself.

Kindeyes

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so very hard to lose someone you love and for the circumstances to be so difficult makes it even more heartbreaking.

The midst of grief is not the time to make any major life decisions. It's a time to take care of yourself.....to be kind and gentle with yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you and lean into their love for you.

When we lose someone we love, there is always the "should haves" or "shouldn't haves" if "if onlys".......and those thoughts cycle through our minds over and over. It's very debilitating.

If you can, I would like to suggest that you seek help with grief counseling. This is a terrible trauma in your life and it's ok to ask for help.

Brian was an opiate addict. You didn't cause his addiction, you couldn't control it and you couldn't cure it. And loving an addict affects those who love them so profoundly and can make us say or do things that we don't mean.

Please....be gentle with yourself. Take the time you need to grieve the loss of your dear Brian. But please....don't give up....

gentle hugs
ke

357girl

I'm sorry to read about this incredibly sad and tragic event in your life. Please reach out for daily support to help you deal with your grief. Remember, you are not to blame for his death, not at all.

Praying for you to find some much needed comfort and peace in your life. You have been through a lot.

Claudia

stacylove

I am so sorry Howmanychances, there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, there is nothing harder to deal with than death, especially the death of someone so young. I guess God (sorry for the reference if your beliefs are different) has different plans for him. You will have to live on and remember the good times you shared. And if you believe it, his spirit is still here with you. There will never be anyone to replace Brian, and you will always have a special place for him in your heart, he came into your life for a reason, and now life must go on without him. It doesn't seem fair but you will grow from this and become a wonderful woman. I will think of you and pray for you.

Peace <3

Scoots826

Sooo sorry, Howmanychances. It's terrible. And it could have happened to any of us who have loved an addict. I remember screaming at my ex that I hoped he overdosed and died. It was not your fault you were driven to say things like that. Take care of yourself---it's such a shock. You never know, maybe he had a hit of drugs waiting for him in his vehicle that he took, maybe he was headed somewhere else--you can't blame yourself for it--but I know that's easier said than done. I used to wonder why God allowed horrible things to happen to people or especially kids....but in recent years I got to thinking.....wouldn't our parents always welcome us home with open arms? I believe we have choices and maybe some destiny??....but that He always welcomes us home since we are His children, even though it leaves the hurt & pain down here but He sends us comfort for that, too. Hang in there...prayers & thoughts coming to you....

tam

I am so sorry, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. may you find peace and heal from this trajedy. this is so sad, I feel for you.

god bless you and hugs

cristalyn

This is so heartbreaking, but it is not your fault. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain. Lean on your friends and family and allow them to comfort you in your grief. My prayers and love are with you.

newnormal4me

This is such a tragedy. I am so, so sorry. For most of us, this is our worst fear. I am so sad that you have to go through it. Please stay strong and realize that it is not your fault. None of us can predict what can happen in the chaotic world that we go through with our addicted love ones. ****{HUGS}}}

Soco88

I am so sorry!

CanfixONLYme

How Many... my heart is breaking for you right now. Please keep coming back here and just post post post... vent and someone will be here to keep you company. This is a tragic loss and it sounds as though you loved him very deeply.

I know this is easy to say but please don't beat yourself up about what you texted him (about wanting him to die). I have thought these thoughts many times about my AH recently and have really wanted to say the words to him. Yeah, part of me does just want it to all be over so that I can finally live my life without this insanity, but a huge part of me of course would be devestated. It sounds as though your loved one KNEW you loved him... he KNEW. He was wrestling with his own demons that had nothing to do with you and unfort. he made a dumb decision that made him leave this world early.

Please keep coming here, seeking out friends and family and call help lines etc., if you are feeling desperate.

Big hugs and prayers your way,

CanfixONLYme

I've just come back from reading all your posts... words cannot express the deepest grief you must be feeling right now.

Just know this.... Brian would NOT want you to follow in his footsteps!!!! You are making something out of your life (being an RN). You may need to take a break for a bit to heal your heart... but try to be there for his brother, his family... LIVE in order to keep his memory alive and LIVE to show yourself that this is probably going to be the shittiest time of your life right now... BUT you can make it. Oh, I wish I was there to give you a huge hug...

Please... keep coming back k? Please post please vent please tell us about him and your relationship... just write. Just make a promise to yourself to not do any self-harm because again, if you were in his shoes, you would want him to live... and be happy.

For now, just try to get lots of rest, cry, vent and stay connected, k?

Big hugs,

CanfixONLYme

HowMany... I hope for you to come on here someday soon and see that so many (if not everyone) here wish you well and peace of mind, clarity of heart and forgiveness of yourself and your loved one. It's gonna take time... but you'll get there. Keep coming back!!

HowManyChances

thank you guys. its still super hard.

HowManyChances

I came back on here. This time not for brian. but for myself. Im admitting to the fact that i am/have become an alcoholic. My life is no longer the same. Its like im sinking into a hole and i keep looking for his hand to pull me back out. The alcohol numbs the pain. Makes me forget for a short while and smile. Its something to do with my friends so im not sitting at home by myself wallowing in my grief. Im always broke. I dont know what to do with my life anymore. I want to go back in time. This isnt the life i deserve. We were supposed to be something greater than a tragedy.

solost87

I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling. My RABF and I have sort-of broken up 3 weeks ago because he wanted "time and space" and lately I find myself just staring at the wall for hours feeling like someone died, or feeling like I'm dead. I really cannot express enough how sorry I am! you lived through his addiction with him and rehab and recovery, and everything else that comes along with a relationship with an addict. As much as we all would like to rewind time, we can't. You have to release the guilt that you have, and believe that he is in a better place now. On earth, he lived a hard life with addiction, but now he is free. You cannot numb your pain with alcohol- Think of how he would feel knowing what was going on. He wouldn't want you to live this pain and numb it with alcohol, possibly ruining your future. It is going to take time, but do it for him, and for yourself.

hello-kitty

Hi. I think you should change your name from HowManyChances to NoMoreChances. And focus on YOU. Work the recovery you wish HE would work. Attend an alcoholics anonymous meeting. Get some support.

Being clean is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Sure I couldn't imagine a life without drugs when I chose to quit using, but now I couldn't imagine ever going back.

You can have everything you ever wanted. First, you just need to quit drinking. And AA can help you do that when you are ready...