In Need of Sharing, Strength and Hope
 

My daughter is my qualifier and has been on meth for approx two years now. As soon as my fears were obvious I ran to the rooms of Al-Anon (up to two meetings a week) and Nar-Anon (one meeting a week- because there is only one locally). I have slowly, but progressively been improving myself. I immerse myself in daily readings and try to pray every day. I have a wonderful friend that introduced me to SR and am trying to figure out how to use it.
What I read and hear is that I need to detach. I have been very confused as to what that means and how to go about it.
My daughter doesn't live at home and chooses not to. She lives in a house with other addicts, some meth and others heroine. She lost her job. Lives off of others and food stamps. She has never stolen from me and doesn't ask me to give her anything. We talk occassionally and meet occassionally. I usually initiate it. An off-and-on boyfriend that introduced her to meth (and is in and out of jail) gave her a phone. Sometimes she doesn't answer the phone for days at a time. She has a pattern of saying she wants to get together but will call me in an hour and never calls me back. Is she trying to manipulate me? Is she trying to tell me she doesn't want to hear from me?
I thought instead of the "stinking thinking" I would go to the source. I called her.
She said she wanted to get together and would call me later. I let her know that trying to plan ahead doesn't seem to work for us and that I am confused. I don't want to call her if she doesn't want me to. She knows where I am and will figure out a way to get to me when she wants to. (Her car is broken down, she has no license and has DWL's and no insurance so she would be at the mercy of fellow addicts to get her to me). She started crying and said it's not me that it's her and she doesn't want me to stop calling her.
The qualifiers of other friends in my meetings are verbally abusive and seem to expect their loved ones to provide for them while they use. My daughter doesn't treat me that way...yet.
I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communication open. If I don't hear from her I am miserable. Do I make her life more miserable than it is already by staying in touch? How much of how I feel should I communicate to her. I have always had the notion that love will conquer all and that God is Love and the best way to show unconditional love is through kindness. That is one of the ways I am growing. In the past I would have tried to force her to behave the way I think she should because that is how I was treated growing up. I know she loves me and she knows I love her. I guess I just feel the need to reassure her by telling her.
I read in the SESH book (Nar-Anon daily reader) that addiction is a mental, as well as, a physical disease. It renders the addict incapable of receiving and processing the love and help we have to give them.
I have stopped trying to control or run her life.
She has never been in a recovery program but I have told her that when she is ready and needs my help to let me know.
I have learned the hard way to keep my expectations low.
I try to look for times to give verbal reinforcement for accomplishments, progress and growth...like I said before it is so easy for me to point out the failures. I've started today to make a "gratitude list". In everything give thanks. (not "for" everything).
I am so very thankful that I have a Higher Power to take care of my daughter and I pray that I can stay out of their way.
Is it wrong to call her if she tells me she wants me to? Does this make sense to anyone else out there?

There's a sticky forum up top and it has links to several topics you might want to read. In the Powerful Reading Posts topic, there are two references about detaching:

Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ment-love.html

When my daughter was deep in her addiction, she was very unreliable when it came to anything including phone calls. It's just the nature of the disease, it's the priority. I still called her or sent text messages saying I love you, but I learned to do it without expectation. I learned not to expect her to follow through with plans, and I didn't make any that would cause me anxiety.

I'm glad you're working your own recovery program :)

Thank you, Chino! I will read your recommendations right away. Thanks for your help.
I have learned not to expect my daughter to call me back when she says she will. I guess I'm just confused about what she is trying to tell me...if anything...by not calling me. Thanks for reminding me that it's just the nature of the disease and I could be caught up in the insanity...doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
Most of all thank you for telling me that you stayed in contact with your daughter, too. I'm not alone.

Good for you, sounds like you have done a great job so far! I try to text my AS but feel like when I do.. he keeps coming back for other stuff. He has no problems asking for things but we have told him we can only provide help when he asks for it. He says he feels abandoned, actually WE feel abandoned. Another person here on SR told me to never skip the opportunity to tell my AS that I love him. Which I have done but feel like when I do I am setting myself up for drama. Hugs to you and all the rest that are dealing with this nasty disease.

"I have always had the notion that love will conquer all and that God is Love and the best way to show unconditional love is through kindness. "



Hello ILovemydaughter,

Big hugs!!!

I have a 36 year AD. She has been in and out of rehab for 15 years. Awhile back, I sent her a NC e-mail.

I, too, believe that God is love. And, I do not love our AD any less than the day she was placed into my arms when she was born. But, we are exhausted and sick from dealing with all the lies, manipulation, and drama. Our kindness was not appreciated. She took it for granted. In fact it was attributing to her demise. You know the old saying..."kill them with kindness." The more we enabled her (at the time we thought we were being loving and kind), the sicker she became. Now, she is full of anger, resentment, and bitterness towards her Dad and me. She blames us for her addiction. Of course, we know we didn't cause it.

Our situation is different than yours. It was TIME for us to start working on our health. We couldn't do that until we set up the boundary of NC. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" ~ the Bible. I wrote her that I knew she was either going to get sober or that she was going to die. And, that is was her choice. We couldn't do it for her.

Sometimes, (I must confess) I relapse and look on Facebook at some of her friends' homepage to see if she has made any comments. It is so hard. We love her so!

I will be praying for you and your daughter.

God bless.

Sometimes I feel abandoned andother times I feel that she has been kidnapped. This is a dreadful disease...but I remind myself that it is controlable...just not my job to control it for her. She has to do it herself with the help that she chooses...when she is ready.
I wish the best for all of you.

I'm so very glad that I found safe places to go (Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and now SR) as soon as I realized my daugher was on drugs. I'm so glad I started my recovery when I did. Just wish I had done it a long time ago. I hope and pray my daughter will hit her bottom soon. Fifteen years of dealing with an addict is torture. I'm glad you still love her as much as you did the day she was born. And I'm glad you and your H are in your recovery program! I will keep your daughter in my prayers. Miracles do happen.
What does NC stand for? Sorry, I'm new to this.
Thanks,
Also From the South

I was a bit confused too- especially when I noticed how others' were practicing detachment with their loved ones. I couldn't do things just like they did but I soon learned to use their ESH to find my own way. The idea behind detaching can apply to many situations in my life but in regards to the addict- I found that once I considered what I was really detaching from- it became easier to live it out.

In other words I took from what worked for others and adapted it to suit my own situation, using that old phrase: "Take what you like and leave the rest."


If that makes any sense- I struggled more with detaching mentally & emotionally rather than in a more physical realm. I could often do what I knew was right but would agonize and worry about it afterwards.

I was not detaching from my son- but from allowing his problems to overwhelm me or cause any other type of harm or even discomfort.

We always got along and I can only recall two times when things became unpleasant between us. I didn't keep calling him because of my fear- but tried to keep in touch to let him know I still loved him and knew he could beat the addiction.

Whenever I did have contact with him- I would search my heart to be sure I wasn't trying to change him or rescue him.

We did things like have breakfast out, go to a park or maybe to a store where I'd maybe buy him some pants or he would get them for himself. It really wasn't much different than how I would treat my other adult children.

I kept in minimal contact with my daughter when she was out using..kept things very quick..sometimes I dropped off cards just saying I loved her..I don't see anything wrong with it.She has chosen recovery now(almost 6 mo. clean!) and we still work on our relationship.Deatchment doesn't mean No Contact necissarily...it's not always enabling to have some kind of relationship

NC...no contact.

I am fairly new to SR also. It has been a life line for me!!!

ilovemydaughter - i could have written your post i would just have to change the name to ilovemyson - i never took what he did personally - i know my son and i know he wouldn't be uncaring without the influence of the drugs - he has always had the most tender heart - i have continued through it all to tell him that i know who he is and i will not let him forget that wonderful person - he is working his way back to being that person now - just a more mature, wiser version -

I'm there with you...the difference being my daughter's addiction to meth and heroin has been only a year (after a year of oxy).

It's so hard to detach when our mommy-heart is programed to save them from evil and pain and to provide security, comfort, and love.

I do believe there is a difference between loving and enabling...I'm still learning to NOT enable. My head knows I should, my heart not so much.

Our addicts are master manipulators and I'm glad to see yours hadn't started that in on you - the asking, begging, DEMANDING. They know exactly what buttons to push when they go about it. They know exactly where our weaknesses are and how much we love them. They know exactly what will send us running to rescue.

I've been wrapped around my daughter's finger and she knows it...I'm glad you are staying strong and learning how to handle it if and when it happens. Wish I'd done that sooner!

Loving them with all our hearts is about the ONLY thing we can do for them when they are so far down in the addiction, until they decide to get clean. We've told our girl that when she makes that choice there is nothing we won't do to help her accomplish it. But until then we can only pray that she doesn't self-destruct before that decision in made.

I'm sorry this is where you are at...I'm sorry this is where all of us are at. It seems a lonely, desperate road, even with so much company.

I'll pray for your child...

I am so sorry for your trials and tribulations with your addicted son. It sounds like you are on your road to recovery and I hope your son will find his way down the parallel road to his recovery, too.
I've seen parents come to meetings because their son/daughter is in recovery and they were asked by their addict to get into their own recovery for them. Then I never seen the parents again. What a small sacrifice to attend a meeting once a week for the one they love. But, I guess it's no different than me wanting my daughter in recovery. She has to be ready and want it for herself. And I accept that. I'm so glad God gives me mercy and grace.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannont change (my daughter), the courage to change the things I can (myself) and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thank you for your heart-felt sharing.

CMC, Thank you so much for your beautiful words. You have really helped me today! It does help to know "what" I'm detaching from. It turns out I did the right thing for this situation. Instead of worrying about whether I should contact my daughter I found out I just needed to be honest and up-front and ask what was going on with her instead of building a scenario in my own mind. She was honest with me and basically explained that she feels guilty and puts off contacting me. She isolates. I told her that I understood and did the same thing before getting help. She discussed her very co-dependent relationship with her boyfriend (ex for the moment) and I pointed out that it was similar to my relationship with her--before getting help. So, I was able to sympathize with her and just tell her I'm sorry she is having a hard time and that I love her. I can deal with the nature of the disease if I know that's what I'm dealing with.
You mentiioned that you let him know you love him and that he can beat the disease. I love the way you follow the 5th Tradition by understanding and encouraging. You are truly inspirational!

ILMD,

Some days I have a difficult time with this.

Detachment is my releasing my sons, to be responsible for themselves and to bear the responsibility of their own actions.

It's stopping the worry and changing my focus, from my sons, to what is good for me in my life. (easy to say, hard for me to do sometimes)

Right now, I have a NC with my oldest AS, he is verbally, and emotionally abusive.
My youngest son is in prison, and we are writing, but he is not to phone, only write.


hugs.........

mooselips (interesting name),
I'm sorry you have to endure two sons that are addicted. I hope and pray they will find their way back to normal soon.
Stopping the worrying and changing the focus from my qualifier is easier some days than others. It's more like the thoughts are quieter some days...on other days they are yelling and screaming in my brain.
What does ILMD stand for?

Litehorse,
I'm so glad to hear your son is working on his recovery! Thank you for sharing your journey with me. We're not alone.

Youwillbe,
I see that I posted the wrong message to your message earlier. OOPS.
Thanks for sharing from your heart. I've been good about not enabling. Before drugs she was a very demanding child so it's interesting to see the difference.
I will also be praying for our girls that they don't self-destruct before they get help. Thank you for your prayers!

Mooselips shortened your name I think.
I
Love
My
Daughter.
;)

Beth

I am glad you are here, I Love My Daughter.
Beth

Yep I shortened your name .....


(((ILMD))))