Phwew! Glad Yest is over
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Phwew! Glad Yest is over
My AS came over yesterday, as I thought he would. I had spent the night at work dealing with him showing up at my in-laws and being texted that he was there and talking out of his head/needing help. I texted them back stating that I can't help him anymore and they could tell him to leave (this is not the first time this has happened).
Anyways, yest, I told him I couldn't help him anymore, that only he could help himself. I did not do this with dignity...cried a lot. But, I set my boundary! Told him he could not come over unless it was for an adult to adult visit. This was not easy for me since he was always the one that tugged at my heartstrings.
Then, my AD called and wanted to come and see her daughter. I wouldn't answer the call, but texted her that it was not a good night for me. That began a string of text of how horrible I was, etc, etc. I wouldn't respond and the text got nastier and nastier. I finally texted her back and stated "do what you need to take care of yourself because I'm going to bed to take care of myself..goodnight". Then she called my brother and he called me. I had had it! I ended up apologizing for the manner in which I spoke to him, but he understood after I told him what kind of 24 hrs I just went through.
I am holding onto my boundaries, no matter how unfamiliar this is to me. I have pretty much decided that my dream of having a family unit is just that...a dream. I have so much work to do on myself that I must dissassociate from my ACs to accomplish anything right now.
There are so many lessons for me to learn from all of this that I have decided to distance myself in order to do this. I know I will fall sometimes, but I'm ready to dust myself off and stand up tall.
Thanks for listening and being here.
Anyways, yest, I told him I couldn't help him anymore, that only he could help himself. I did not do this with dignity...cried a lot. But, I set my boundary! Told him he could not come over unless it was for an adult to adult visit. This was not easy for me since he was always the one that tugged at my heartstrings.
Then, my AD called and wanted to come and see her daughter. I wouldn't answer the call, but texted her that it was not a good night for me. That began a string of text of how horrible I was, etc, etc. I wouldn't respond and the text got nastier and nastier. I finally texted her back and stated "do what you need to take care of yourself because I'm going to bed to take care of myself..goodnight". Then she called my brother and he called me. I had had it! I ended up apologizing for the manner in which I spoke to him, but he understood after I told him what kind of 24 hrs I just went through.
I am holding onto my boundaries, no matter how unfamiliar this is to me. I have pretty much decided that my dream of having a family unit is just that...a dream. I have so much work to do on myself that I must dissassociate from my ACs to accomplish anything right now.
There are so many lessons for me to learn from all of this that I have decided to distance myself in order to do this. I know I will fall sometimes, but I'm ready to dust myself off and stand up tall.
Thanks for listening and being here.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((hope2be))) Wow....what an evening...
It has been my experience that when Mr. HG set a boundary with his AS, the fireworks would start. I've realized that it actually means we are doing something right. Your AC have benefited from your enabling for so long that now that you are taking that away from them, they are pushing back. They are trying to get you to return to your former role as their enabler.
I know that it is hard, but stay strong and take good care of yourself. I'm sorry your brother had to get involved and I'm glad he understood once you explained the whole situation to him. Perhaps that will teach him NOT to get involved in the future?
Hugs, HG
It has been my experience that when Mr. HG set a boundary with his AS, the fireworks would start. I've realized that it actually means we are doing something right. Your AC have benefited from your enabling for so long that now that you are taking that away from them, they are pushing back. They are trying to get you to return to your former role as their enabler.
I know that it is hard, but stay strong and take good care of yourself. I'm sorry your brother had to get involved and I'm glad he understood once you explained the whole situation to him. Perhaps that will teach him NOT to get involved in the future?
Hugs, HG
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Whoa.....what a day! You are taking care of yourself and allowing your adult children to be the drivers in their own lives and that's ok.
Sometimes....when I really get down about my AS.....I picture myself as a mother bird. My chick has flown off but now wants to come back to MY nest and have me continue to bring him worms and fluff my warm feathers around him. Would a mother bird do that? I don't think so. She's too busy taking care of herself and just trying to survive. Nature sometimes provides me with answers that I couldn't see otherwise.
I hope today is a better day.
gentle hugs
Sometimes....when I really get down about my AS.....I picture myself as a mother bird. My chick has flown off but now wants to come back to MY nest and have me continue to bring him worms and fluff my warm feathers around him. Would a mother bird do that? I don't think so. She's too busy taking care of herself and just trying to survive. Nature sometimes provides me with answers that I couldn't see otherwise.
I hope today is a better day.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted by hope2be 
I am holding onto my boundaries, no matter how unfamiliar this is to me. I have pretty much decided that my dream of having a family unit is just that...a dream. I have so much work to do on myself that I must dissassociate from my ACs to accomplish anything right now.
.
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That is huge.The good news for me was that when I let go of mY fantasy of how my family should be, how I desperatley WANTED it to be, backed off, set limits, and worked my program..things changed and I DO have really good relationships with both my kids now..it took time and committment, but when I stopped clinging to fantasies, it made room for real relationships....good for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Thanks to all the support. I truly need it right now.
My AD showed up again this morning and once again I had to ask him to leave. He was very grounded and made no fuss, just stating he's starting to see things clearer.
It was the hardest thing to do (again) and I told him I will do this every time until he comes visit like an adult. I also stated to him that I've done it the same thing for the past 10 yrs and things have only gotten worse. In fact not only have their lives gone down the drain, but mine was headed there too.
I just wish I had a switch I could turn off the Mother-Love Switch and not feel the pain. But, I know that I must muddle through my day and give him to God.
Big Huggs Back to All
My AD showed up again this morning and once again I had to ask him to leave. He was very grounded and made no fuss, just stating he's starting to see things clearer.
It was the hardest thing to do (again) and I told him I will do this every time until he comes visit like an adult. I also stated to him that I've done it the same thing for the past 10 yrs and things have only gotten worse. In fact not only have their lives gone down the drain, but mine was headed there too.
I just wish I had a switch I could turn off the Mother-Love Switch and not feel the pain. But, I know that I must muddle through my day and give him to God.
Big Huggs Back to All
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