New here and I know I'm not crazy..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 18
New here and I know I'm not crazy..
But I feel like I'm going crazy. Sorry, this is going to be long. An introduction to me I suppose...
I've read so many posts here and can definitely relate as a wife of an "oxy user". All the signs are there and have been for a few years. I went from dealing with a teenage daughter that put me through the ringer with her drug use (diagnosed bipolar, ODD, etc) to a teddy bear of a husband turned addict. Or so I think... says he.
His use started a few years back when addict friends of his helped him build his garage. Since then one of these guys has been to rehab and the others wife and kids left him. I noticed my dh apparently on something and would question it and he would deny. After being together 15 years it was pretty obvious that he was on something (talking funny almost slurring, appears tongue is swollen, full of energy to get things done, quick to anger to name just a few). I did my best to ignore it but as the years have passed I've noticed it much more often.
About a month ago he asked me to put his coat in the wash with his clothes as he had forgot to. When emptying his pocket I found an oxycodone wrapped in a piece of paper. My first actual proof! I didn't say anything right away, but left it on the counter. When I returned it was gone and he said nothing about it. After a few moments I asked him about it. Said a friend gave it to him for his hip.
So all this time I've tried to ignore it, but at times I seek proof for my own sanity and will question him only to be told he's sick of being accused. I checked our cell phone bill last week and saw that 8 blocked number calls were made to his phone. I looked at his phone and all but 2 were deleted. I asked him about it and he swears he deletes no calls from his phone and that I should call verizon. So I did... they said if the calls are on the bill, they were made to the phone. He then says, "I think we're getting billed for calls to someone elses phone." I am not stupid! When asked about the pill I found in his pocket and went over his behaviors that show me he's using, he actually admitted to taking pain killers with alcohol to increase his sexual drive. Course there are problems in that area. Aha.. I though. Funny... because I remember asking him if he was using at those times and he denied it. I'm not interested in having such relations with someone that I "don't know". And when he's on them, he isn't the man I married. So to me, proof has been made. And he still tells me I've f-in crazy and he's sick of me accusing him of doing something he is not.
Last night was the biggest fight we've had. Our youngest daughter was not at home. He actually mentioned divorce and told me I was crazy. I was so upset and angry that I put my wedding band on the kitchen counter. I got so upset that I actually swung at him
He pushed me and I thought he was going to hit me. I packed a bag for the night and went to a friends (someone who has also noticed a change in him). I didn't end up staying the night and came home the doors locked. He had to let my dog out cuz she knew I was home and going nuts so I guess he decided to leave that door open. I don't believe he would've locked them if we hadn't had a fight as he typically doesn't.
So I slept on the couch, got up this morning and took my shower. I noticed my wedding band and engagement ring was gone when I got out. I questioned him about them and he "put them away" because I just threw them. If I had thrown them they would've bounced off the counter. I actually set them down calmly. He asked me if I had anything left to say and I told him I didn't know what to say anymore. So he left on his snowmobile. I noticed he locked his truck before he left. Very weird. We just don't lock doors where we live.
Sooooo.. I just had to finally vent to someone who's been where I am right now. I am so confused, hurt and broken hearted. I know that I need to take care of myself, but that has never been easy for me. I always put those I love ahead of my own needs.
We've spent 20 years together, built our beautiful home and raised one beautiful daughter who is grateful for my not giving up on her. And we have another daughter still at home.
I feel like I'm going to completely lose it. I don't want to lose him
I've read so many posts here and can definitely relate as a wife of an "oxy user". All the signs are there and have been for a few years. I went from dealing with a teenage daughter that put me through the ringer with her drug use (diagnosed bipolar, ODD, etc) to a teddy bear of a husband turned addict. Or so I think... says he.
His use started a few years back when addict friends of his helped him build his garage. Since then one of these guys has been to rehab and the others wife and kids left him. I noticed my dh apparently on something and would question it and he would deny. After being together 15 years it was pretty obvious that he was on something (talking funny almost slurring, appears tongue is swollen, full of energy to get things done, quick to anger to name just a few). I did my best to ignore it but as the years have passed I've noticed it much more often.
About a month ago he asked me to put his coat in the wash with his clothes as he had forgot to. When emptying his pocket I found an oxycodone wrapped in a piece of paper. My first actual proof! I didn't say anything right away, but left it on the counter. When I returned it was gone and he said nothing about it. After a few moments I asked him about it. Said a friend gave it to him for his hip.
So all this time I've tried to ignore it, but at times I seek proof for my own sanity and will question him only to be told he's sick of being accused. I checked our cell phone bill last week and saw that 8 blocked number calls were made to his phone. I looked at his phone and all but 2 were deleted. I asked him about it and he swears he deletes no calls from his phone and that I should call verizon. So I did... they said if the calls are on the bill, they were made to the phone. He then says, "I think we're getting billed for calls to someone elses phone." I am not stupid! When asked about the pill I found in his pocket and went over his behaviors that show me he's using, he actually admitted to taking pain killers with alcohol to increase his sexual drive. Course there are problems in that area. Aha.. I though. Funny... because I remember asking him if he was using at those times and he denied it. I'm not interested in having such relations with someone that I "don't know". And when he's on them, he isn't the man I married. So to me, proof has been made. And he still tells me I've f-in crazy and he's sick of me accusing him of doing something he is not.
Last night was the biggest fight we've had. Our youngest daughter was not at home. He actually mentioned divorce and told me I was crazy. I was so upset and angry that I put my wedding band on the kitchen counter. I got so upset that I actually swung at him
He pushed me and I thought he was going to hit me. I packed a bag for the night and went to a friends (someone who has also noticed a change in him). I didn't end up staying the night and came home the doors locked. He had to let my dog out cuz she knew I was home and going nuts so I guess he decided to leave that door open. I don't believe he would've locked them if we hadn't had a fight as he typically doesn't.So I slept on the couch, got up this morning and took my shower. I noticed my wedding band and engagement ring was gone when I got out. I questioned him about them and he "put them away" because I just threw them. If I had thrown them they would've bounced off the counter. I actually set them down calmly. He asked me if I had anything left to say and I told him I didn't know what to say anymore. So he left on his snowmobile. I noticed he locked his truck before he left. Very weird. We just don't lock doors where we live.
Sooooo.. I just had to finally vent to someone who's been where I am right now. I am so confused, hurt and broken hearted. I know that I need to take care of myself, but that has never been easy for me. I always put those I love ahead of my own needs.
We've spent 20 years together, built our beautiful home and raised one beautiful daughter who is grateful for my not giving up on her. And we have another daughter still at home.
I feel like I'm going to completely lose it. I don't want to lose him
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to send you a note as I know the feeling. You have a hard road ahead of you. And loving an addict is scary, unpredictable, unstable for your home and your finances, and so very hurtful. After all, you knew him before this change.
Wishing you the best!
Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Sorry for what brings you here but glad you found this site. I am married to a heroin addict and you are correct you know the changes in behavior. The addict always thinks they are so sly in hiding what they are doing. My AH is making another attempt at recovery and it is trying on me and my emotions are all over the board. You are not crazy but yes living with an addict can make you feel that way. You are also not alone. I will tell you that I see a counselor every week and do online meetings along with this site. I also journal my thoughts daily and have done so much reading about myself and about addiction. Please remember to take care of yourself and your child that is still at home with you. Sending out hugs and prayers to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 18
Thank you very much for your replies. I visited a counselor when I was dealing with my daughter's troubles and the start of my husbands. She was a very strong woman and told me that I needed to start putting money away and get out of the situation. I didn't want that. I've considered calling her to set up an appointment as it would be great to listen to her encouragement again. It's been a long long time.
I think being here will be of great help.
Thanks again
Jo
I think being here will be of great help.
Thanks again
Jo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
welcome to SR teddybear, sorry you had to find us, but just want to let you know you will be grateful for the wonderful support and knowledge you receive on here and also at the meetings.
my story is almost exactly like yours, reversed though as in dec.2009 me and my AH had a huge argument regarding his pill addiction, he and I both indicated we wanted a divorce. the next day I came home from work and he and his belongings were gone, his ring was on the table.
teddybear, we were married 26 years. I tried everything to help him. I
felt lonely, angry and like you I not only felt crazy but I think I went crazy. I had no clue it was from addiction,
I knew it was causing it, but I had no clue how to cope with it, how to detach, how to move on.
we are currently divorcing. just another battle to fight. But I want you to know there is hope, hope for you. give yourself alot of credit your reaching out and you know what you want, its just hard to do I know.
as much as you think your lonely you arent, I am amazed at the people who have come forward to support me, I had no clue how people reconized our situation yet I thought I was hiding it well.
I do get lonely, but its lonely living with it too.
I also go to therapy which is a tremendous help, please go back.
go with your head and not with your heart, take it slow, relax and take care of yourself nothing has to happen over night afterall this didnt happen to us overnight either but make sure you protect yourself in the meantime.
take care of yourself teddybear you have been through alot and you will heal and survive this, trust me.
hugs!
my story is almost exactly like yours, reversed though as in dec.2009 me and my AH had a huge argument regarding his pill addiction, he and I both indicated we wanted a divorce. the next day I came home from work and he and his belongings were gone, his ring was on the table.
teddybear, we were married 26 years. I tried everything to help him. I
felt lonely, angry and like you I not only felt crazy but I think I went crazy. I had no clue it was from addiction,
I knew it was causing it, but I had no clue how to cope with it, how to detach, how to move on.
we are currently divorcing. just another battle to fight. But I want you to know there is hope, hope for you. give yourself alot of credit your reaching out and you know what you want, its just hard to do I know.
as much as you think your lonely you arent, I am amazed at the people who have come forward to support me, I had no clue how people reconized our situation yet I thought I was hiding it well.
I do get lonely, but its lonely living with it too.
I also go to therapy which is a tremendous help, please go back.
go with your head and not with your heart, take it slow, relax and take care of yourself nothing has to happen over night afterall this didnt happen to us overnight either but make sure you protect yourself in the meantime.
take care of yourself teddybear you have been through alot and you will heal and survive this, trust me.
hugs!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
TeddyBear -
I don't know where your heart lies, or what you have planned at this point, but if you have any hope of saving your marriage you may want to start looking into doing an intervention for your husband. You can start by reading intervention books and then contacting people who would be appropiate for your "team". I don't know what its like to be married to an addict, but I do know what its like to be addicted, and I do have people close to me who are sick from addiction.
I am an avid reader. Whenever I have a problem, my first step is always finding the literature that can help me learn more about it. I encourage you to do the same. Look for books that can empower you and that are based on sound research. There are a lot of outdated self-help books out there.
I don't know where your heart lies, or what you have planned at this point, but if you have any hope of saving your marriage you may want to start looking into doing an intervention for your husband. You can start by reading intervention books and then contacting people who would be appropiate for your "team". I don't know what its like to be married to an addict, but I do know what its like to be addicted, and I do have people close to me who are sick from addiction.
I am an avid reader. Whenever I have a problem, my first step is always finding the literature that can help me learn more about it. I encourage you to do the same. Look for books that can empower you and that are based on sound research. There are a lot of outdated self-help books out there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Jo, your story is a lot like mine. I have been with my husband for 20 years also. We have been married for 18 and have two young children. His addiction didn't surface until about 6 years ago. At the time of course I didn't even know what was going on. When I found evidence, I actually refused to believe it to be what it was and spent another year and a half or so in denial. It has been such a long process for me. About 2 years ago I finally started to realize that nothing I did was helping and I began to face the facts that it might never change. This past year has been hell for me and we are actually separated right now.
I too didn't want to lose my husband. But the reality is that somewhere along the way I did anyway. He is not the same anymore, and his denial is so deep that it is going to take something drastic for him to wake up I believe, if that even happens. This has been so devastating to me and I still feel lost most of the time. We were best friends for so long! I really, really, really miss that guy...my soulmate that I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Our separation will be finalized in court next week and he has already said he is not coming. Since we have been officially separated (since early Dec), he has made no attempts to correct or change anything. I had hoped with all my heart that this might be a bottom for him. He has had some very tough "bottom" moments, but nothing lasting, nothing that has caused a desire to change. It is really hard for me to believe. People here have said drugs have no mercy. It is so true. How a person could choose such a life over their wife and kids is beyond my comprehension. It is simply horrible.
I wish I had answers for you, but all I can do is share that I have been exactly where you are (I'm still in it) and offer support. I hope someday life will have the same sparkle it used to for me, but at this point I am not seeing it. I just keep holding on to faith that things will get better for me, with or without him, someday. The only advice I can offer is to read as much as you can, go to counseling if that is something you want to do, attend meetings, etc. Eventually you will start to come to some realizations that are for you. ****{HUGS}}}
I too didn't want to lose my husband. But the reality is that somewhere along the way I did anyway. He is not the same anymore, and his denial is so deep that it is going to take something drastic for him to wake up I believe, if that even happens. This has been so devastating to me and I still feel lost most of the time. We were best friends for so long! I really, really, really miss that guy...my soulmate that I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Our separation will be finalized in court next week and he has already said he is not coming. Since we have been officially separated (since early Dec), he has made no attempts to correct or change anything. I had hoped with all my heart that this might be a bottom for him. He has had some very tough "bottom" moments, but nothing lasting, nothing that has caused a desire to change. It is really hard for me to believe. People here have said drugs have no mercy. It is so true. How a person could choose such a life over their wife and kids is beyond my comprehension. It is simply horrible.
I wish I had answers for you, but all I can do is share that I have been exactly where you are (I'm still in it) and offer support. I hope someday life will have the same sparkle it used to for me, but at this point I am not seeing it. I just keep holding on to faith that things will get better for me, with or without him, someday. The only advice I can offer is to read as much as you can, go to counseling if that is something you want to do, attend meetings, etc. Eventually you will start to come to some realizations that are for you. ****{HUGS}}}
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 18
"I too didn't want to lose my husband. But the reality is that somewhere along the way I did anyway."
Brings tears to my eyes. So true. Thank you.
I've often said it's just like cheating. He's cheating on me with a freekin' pill. He wants her more than I.
Brings tears to my eyes. So true. Thank you.
I've often said it's just like cheating. He's cheating on me with a freekin' pill. He wants her more than I.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Welcome Teddybear!
I was married to an addict as well for 17 years when I went crazy too! That is sure how I felt and he confirmed it. So much was changing in our marriage and I just couldn't put my finger on it, his behaviour and what is happening. Arguements turning into terrible fights, him leaving for a night or two, just not him at all. It all came to a head, he was using crack. The 1st thing that I thought when he finally told me was "Oh thank heaven I am not Crazy"!
I feel for you and hopefully you find support and peace with us.
Rose
I was married to an addict as well for 17 years when I went crazy too! That is sure how I felt and he confirmed it. So much was changing in our marriage and I just couldn't put my finger on it, his behaviour and what is happening. Arguements turning into terrible fights, him leaving for a night or two, just not him at all. It all came to a head, he was using crack. The 1st thing that I thought when he finally told me was "Oh thank heaven I am not Crazy"!
I feel for you and hopefully you find support and peace with us.
Rose
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by teddybear 
I know that I need to take care of myself, but that has never been easy for me. I always put those I love ahead of my own needs. (
teddybear,
All of us Codependents have the same issue, others come first.
There is a wonderful book, "Codependent No more" by Melody Beattie" that can help you. It's an older book, you may be able to get it at a used book store.
Have you ever thought of attending Alanon meetings? They have a wonderful support system for you.
Hugs........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Welcome to SR. My RABF's DOC is codeine. He used for 7 or so years, plus a relapse of about 5 months. Addiction is terrible, and it is true that the pill becomes more important than anything else. It is no reflection on you. You are not at fault--you didn't cause it, you can't control him, and you can't cure him. I also recommend the Codependend No More book. This website is great to help you have a clear head. Have you read the stickies at the top of the page?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
I want to welcome you to SR. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found it. My ah & I were married 20+ yrs. The last 6-7 have been hell. He was different, strange, making bad decisions, angry. I accused him of having an affair on many occasions. Our lives were hell & our sex life too. The 4 mos ago he admitted to a serious opiate addiction that had been going on for years. He went to rehab & clean over 90 days. Our lives are better, but there is a new normal. And the last few days, I feel they "honeymoon" period is over. We have 4 children together & a very large business. So leaving is very complicated. And I don't want to. I want my life back!
My husband admitted his addiction after numerous fights/rages, leaving, etc. I had planned to leave at the beginning of the year for good. Leaving town. Couldn't do it anymore. I don't know if he figured it out or could tell by me attitude, but that's when he confessed.
I am being supportive as long as he is clean. But I'm always waiting on the other shoe to drop.
There is a lot of support here. And sad to say, several of us in almost identical circumstances. If I can ever help, yell.
My husband admitted his addiction after numerous fights/rages, leaving, etc. I had planned to leave at the beginning of the year for good. Leaving town. Couldn't do it anymore. I don't know if he figured it out or could tell by me attitude, but that's when he confessed.
I am being supportive as long as he is clean. But I'm always waiting on the other shoe to drop.
There is a lot of support here. And sad to say, several of us in almost identical circumstances. If I can ever help, yell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
I'm so sorry for your pain. I just finalized my divorce with my AH. I hope that your story ends better than mine. He needs to get help and he needs to WANT to get help for himself. The hardest thing I had to learn was that my love was not enough to make him want to change. Even though we did love each other very much and I will always love him. I didn't want to lose him.
Know one thing, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. I went through the same situation and I'm sure everyone else here did as well with the lies and the defensiveness. Don't ever forget that addicts live by this phrase "do not underestimate the power of denial". It is what keeps us, those that love addicts, wondering and just hoping that all the denial denial denial is in fact the truth. Often and most times, it is not the truth. My AH would get so angry when i accused or questioned him that he would yell and tell me how horrible it made him feel that I thought everything was a lie. He'd always ask me "how do you think it makes me feel?" It made me feel bad but now in hindsight, it was just another denial tactic.
I wish the best for you and hope that your AH gets the help he needs and that you do as well.
Know one thing, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. I went through the same situation and I'm sure everyone else here did as well with the lies and the defensiveness. Don't ever forget that addicts live by this phrase "do not underestimate the power of denial". It is what keeps us, those that love addicts, wondering and just hoping that all the denial denial denial is in fact the truth. Often and most times, it is not the truth. My AH would get so angry when i accused or questioned him that he would yell and tell me how horrible it made him feel that I thought everything was a lie. He'd always ask me "how do you think it makes me feel?" It made me feel bad but now in hindsight, it was just another denial tactic.
I wish the best for you and hope that your AH gets the help he needs and that you do as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 18
Your stories are soooo helpful. I will be sure to get the book "codependent no more".
Question
Is it common that they play games in an attempt to make you feel even more crazy?! It's like he knows he finally screwed up; gave me evidence and admitted to using a few times. So now he's gonna treat me like !@#$
Considering this is our really big blowup I'm not sure what to expect here. But he still has my wedding band & engagement ring somewhere, he's been locking his truck (NEVER has), and now he's deleting all calls from his cell phone. If there's nothing to hide then why delete? Just to **** me off? This is only pushing me to move on with my life... to start anew. I will become grateful for his childish behavior.
I'll learn to not let it get to me, but for now it is...
Question
Is it common that they play games in an attempt to make you feel even more crazy?! It's like he knows he finally screwed up; gave me evidence and admitted to using a few times. So now he's gonna treat me like !@#$
Considering this is our really big blowup I'm not sure what to expect here. But he still has my wedding band & engagement ring somewhere, he's been locking his truck (NEVER has), and now he's deleting all calls from his cell phone. If there's nothing to hide then why delete? Just to **** me off? This is only pushing me to move on with my life... to start anew. I will become grateful for his childish behavior.
I'll learn to not let it get to me, but for now it is...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I bet most of us can say we have been made to feel crazy. My AH used to tell me I had pscychological issues. I would laugh at him, then say something like..."You are not sober, under the influence and you are going to tell me I'm the one with a pscychological problem?" It is par for the course, and it does work for a while...until we get smart enough to realize that the person we love is no longer "there" and they are playing mind games. It is a combo of deflection (too much pain to bear, so give some to the closest person to me), minimization (the problem is not that big of a deal), blaming. My AH's biggest tactic has always been my lack of intimacy. I would question/ask/comment on his drug problem, then he would always turn it around to my "intimacy issue", like he was comparing apples to apples. For a while I allowed that to manipulate me, until I woke up. The reality is what he was doing could land his butt in jail/prison. Not to say intimacy is not an issue that shouldn't be dealt with. But the reality is that my intimacy issues stemmed from his drinking and drugging...which doesn't bode well for warm and fuzzy loving feelings! It was a serious turn off to me in so many ways.
Anyway, over the past 2ish years my AH started locking his truck, locking his toolbox, and deleting all calls. Last summer, when I began my real detachment from him, we had an incident and he got a track phone. The issues get so big and broad they have to protect their secrets...we were married for almost two decades and never had that kind of behavior. People don't just lock everything from their spouses...blaring sign of major issues on both parts. I don't mean this disrespectful to you, but the reality is, why did I put up with that? He would have never with me. That is where our sickness shines through. We accept lots of bad behavior in the name of saving the marriage, hoping for the old guy to return, having faith that this thing is gonna turn around.
I'm so sorry this is where you are too.
Anyway, over the past 2ish years my AH started locking his truck, locking his toolbox, and deleting all calls. Last summer, when I began my real detachment from him, we had an incident and he got a track phone. The issues get so big and broad they have to protect their secrets...we were married for almost two decades and never had that kind of behavior. People don't just lock everything from their spouses...blaring sign of major issues on both parts. I don't mean this disrespectful to you, but the reality is, why did I put up with that? He would have never with me. That is where our sickness shines through. We accept lots of bad behavior in the name of saving the marriage, hoping for the old guy to return, having faith that this thing is gonna turn around.
I'm so sorry this is where you are too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
so sorry.....you are not crazy, even if you feel that way. Trust your gut!
I have said so many times I feel like Alice in Wonderland & I just fell down the rabbit hole. Everything is crazy.
For me it went on for years & there was always a new reason/excuse. Always my fault! I was crazy! I don't know how many days I questioned my sanity. But when it all came out & to a head, I wasn't. I was the only one using a real brain.
Be strong. Be safe. Thinking of you!
I have said so many times I feel like Alice in Wonderland & I just fell down the rabbit hole. Everything is crazy.
For me it went on for years & there was always a new reason/excuse. Always my fault! I was crazy! I don't know how many days I questioned my sanity. But when it all came out & to a head, I wasn't. I was the only one using a real brain.
Be strong. Be safe. Thinking of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by newnormal4me
But the reality is that my intimacy issues stemmed from his drinking and drugging...which doesn't bode well for warm and fuzzy loving feelings! It was a serious turn off to me in so many ways.
He was always such a patient and kind person to all. Now he has no patience for anyone. You can tell he tries so hard to hold back his irritability, but he can't.
We haven't spoke to one another since the blow up wednesday, until he got home from work tonight. He actually started a conversation. It didn't take long to notice he was near the end of his high and it didn't take me long to become distant. Then he copped an attitude. I haven't yet forgotten our recent fight. He hurt me more than he ever has and still has my rings!! The fact that he told me I was f-in crazy and he called me the worst thing a woman could be called.... grrrr. All because I love him. I think that was my sign that things will not change. I can't help him.
I'm getting stronger and being here is helping.
Reading others stories helps to relieve the alone feeling.
I'm so thankful for this forum
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