No contact w/daughter question
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
You are not cold hearted at all. You are a mother who loves her child. Addicts are extememely manipulative. You are stepping out of the way and letting her hit her bottom.
(((( hugs and prayers))))))
(((( hugs and prayers))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
I responded "Call the police" and she responded back, "So, is that a no??"
I am doing ok but my boys are having a hard time dealing with her. She has not contacted them at all. They are sad.
Other family members have stopped talking to me because they say I am being too hard on her. They still believe her lies. They don't understand just how bad her addiction is because they believe her when she says she isn't using. YET, none of them have offered to let her come live with them.
I feel like they just want to put it back on my shoulders and I am not willing to do that until she shows me she wants to get right. Not just SAY it, but show me.
She even told me herself (when we first asked her to leave) "I have no way of proving to you I am straight-how can I prove I am serious?". I told her time would tell...
How DOES one tell when they are serious? I just feel like I will know...But, I don't know...
I am doing ok but my boys are having a hard time dealing with her. She has not contacted them at all. They are sad.
Other family members have stopped talking to me because they say I am being too hard on her. They still believe her lies. They don't understand just how bad her addiction is because they believe her when she says she isn't using. YET, none of them have offered to let her come live with them.
I feel like they just want to put it back on my shoulders and I am not willing to do that until she shows me she wants to get right. Not just SAY it, but show me.
She even told me herself (when we first asked her to leave) "I have no way of proving to you I am straight-how can I prove I am serious?". I told her time would tell...
How DOES one tell when they are serious? I just feel like I will know...But, I don't know...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm not sure I can answer that question either....because it hasn't happened yet with my A stepson. But, we do know that he has no program of recovery, no counselor, no job, mooching off of others, trying to mooch off of us (his last letter to his dad was a grand scale of manipulation---well attempted, anyway).
I believe it will be when he completely takes ownership of his life and the choices he makes. When he grows up enough to not believe that the world owes him everything. He seems to think his father should completely pay his way because he has some mistaken idea that Mr. HGs mother is paying for Mr. HGs way (98 year old with dementia living on a fixed income who only ever gave her son socks for Christmas once he was an adult).
Actions, I guess, not just words.......Hugs, HG
I believe it will be when he completely takes ownership of his life and the choices he makes. When he grows up enough to not believe that the world owes him everything. He seems to think his father should completely pay his way because he has some mistaken idea that Mr. HGs mother is paying for Mr. HGs way (98 year old with dementia living on a fixed income who only ever gave her son socks for Christmas once he was an adult).
Actions, I guess, not just words.......Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Real recovery looks humble, there will be surrender , a willingness to listen to others..follow directions, ask for help.People who really want to get sober will walk barefoot to meetings, beg for rehab, seek help for themselves.
After my RAD went to 1st rehab..kinda willingly, thought she could drink and smoke pot when she got out, hang out with same friends, etc..I knew what recovery didn't look like.I began to trust myself that I would know it when I saw it..a couple of times she wanted to come home..I said she had to be completely sober..well..what about pot.There was my answer..not ready.
Ready was when she called us one night saying she was done, could we get her..we said "in the morning" I fully expected her to have changed her mind. said are you willing to go to the hospital..yes. At hospital..are you ready to go to rehab?..yes at the hospital she refused suboxone and methadone treatment..another good sign in my opinion.
She had surrendered..her way hadn't worked and she wanted to live, so she was willing to do whatever it took.
You are completely right about actions, not words..of course she'd like to be off drugs, but is she ready to do the work..I would like to be a size 2, but as long as I shove candy bars down my face, I am not taking action.
I truly think you are really seeing things clearly..as for the family members..again, they don't mean to cause harm, but they are.I maintain that if they would like to help, they would take the advice of the proffessionals at her rehab and go to al or nar anon..until they do that, it's all white noise..same goes for them, actions, not words will show you thier real intent.
Hang in there, have hope, things appear to be getting tough for your AD which can be a really good thing..hugs
After my RAD went to 1st rehab..kinda willingly, thought she could drink and smoke pot when she got out, hang out with same friends, etc..I knew what recovery didn't look like.I began to trust myself that I would know it when I saw it..a couple of times she wanted to come home..I said she had to be completely sober..well..what about pot.There was my answer..not ready.
Ready was when she called us one night saying she was done, could we get her..we said "in the morning" I fully expected her to have changed her mind. said are you willing to go to the hospital..yes. At hospital..are you ready to go to rehab?..yes at the hospital she refused suboxone and methadone treatment..another good sign in my opinion.
She had surrendered..her way hadn't worked and she wanted to live, so she was willing to do whatever it took.
You are completely right about actions, not words..of course she'd like to be off drugs, but is she ready to do the work..I would like to be a size 2, but as long as I shove candy bars down my face, I am not taking action.
I truly think you are really seeing things clearly..as for the family members..again, they don't mean to cause harm, but they are.I maintain that if they would like to help, they would take the advice of the proffessionals at her rehab and go to al or nar anon..until they do that, it's all white noise..same goes for them, actions, not words will show you thier real intent.
Hang in there, have hope, things appear to be getting tough for your AD which can be a really good thing..hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
My daughter just emailed me and said she wants to go back into rehab "as soon as <her friend's> mom gets into town". She is staying with this friend this week while her mom is on vacation.
I'm afraid she isn't still serious, that she just knows she has no where to live when the mom gets home.
I'm afraid we are going to pay thousands of dollars again for her to basically walk out (she's already done that twice).
I told her we will back her when SHE is serious. She hasn't responded back.
What do you guys think? It just happened, so I haven't even told my husband yet.
I am so afraid we will be wasting money again...
Help~
I'm afraid she isn't still serious, that she just knows she has no where to live when the mom gets home.
I'm afraid we are going to pay thousands of dollars again for her to basically walk out (she's already done that twice).
I told her we will back her when SHE is serious. She hasn't responded back.
What do you guys think? It just happened, so I haven't even told my husband yet.
I am so afraid we will be wasting money again...
Help~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
This is my response and hers:
-----Original Message-----
Subject: Re: (no subject)
>That would indicate you aren't ready. You need to call when you are READY
>for change.
It's not that. I can't leave <her friend> and <friend's baby> alone for five days. Her mom wants me to stay here with them.
-----Original Message-----
Subject: Re: (no subject)
>That would indicate you aren't ready. You need to call when you are READY
>for change.
It's not that. I can't leave <her friend> and <friend's baby> alone for five days. Her mom wants me to stay here with them.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I guess in 5 days you will see..alot can happen in heroin time..Personally it was a MUCH different rehab for round two..no Malibu Barbie playhouse with the massuse and personal chef..It was one our ins. covered and they ate cafeteria style and made theri own beds..serious 12 step stuff..counselling 1 x a week vs. 3 x's a day at the fancy place...we went broke on the first one..Salvation Army works too..doesn't have to break the bank.The Camp in Scotts Valley is where my RAD went..it's really pretty, but bunks in little cabins..it's not a vacation.
If she really wants rehab, she will still want in 5 days..If you are going to do it, you can make her make all the arrangements..that will tell you how serious she is...she's got an ins card right?
If she really wants rehab, she will still want in 5 days..If you are going to do it, you can make her make all the arrangements..that will tell you how serious she is...she's got an ins card right?
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