Single mom with adult AS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 18
Single mom with adult AS
Well, my story is long, but here is a condensed version., I was married for 20 years and have been divorced for 10. My oldest son, 28, got hooked on prescription pain killers about 6 years ago after cracking his ribs. It's been a long road so far...oxys, xanax, muscle relaxers... He has been in jail numerous times for stupid things he did while messed up. Then a few more serious offenses. Went to court ordered rehab, which he left at level 2 because "the director had it out for him and wasn't being fair". Was then sent to a halfway house, which lasted a week before he violated. And ultimately opted to finish the sentence in prison (2 months) instead of continuing in rehab or drug court. The few months he did in rehab did help some. Since then he hasn't been to the point of falling over and barely breathing. And has probably had more sober days than not. But still is under the influence at least a couple of days of the month. This has been going on for 7 years. In this last year I couldn't take it any more and I got educated (somewhat). So I started the tough love thing and made him leave my home. Since then he has lived here and there...his dad's for a month, friends couches, got a place with his then girlfriend (until she was arrested). And, yes, he did show up at my door twice during the year after getting out of jail because he did not have anywhere to go. So, I tried again to see if I could help him get better. Didn't work out. He has been living away from my house for the last 5 months. He called me Friday night to tell me he had to leave his friend's house that night and wanted me to come get him. I said no. Well, sure enough, Saturday evening he walks into my house with his bags. He was sober. We argued. He did the whole "please,just one night" thing. Feeling sick and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I just went to bed thinking I would just deal with it in the morning because I was so exhausted. Well,you guessed it. One night turned into two and then three. He was settling in. In the past I gave in because of several things...I was tired of arguing, I thought maybe this time he was serious, blah blah blah... Recently, I feel dealing with this has affected my health. Anxiety symptoms I'm guessing. I don't sleep well, I get ringing in my ears, grinding my teeth, and when I get angry with him I feel so angry that I could have either nervous breakdown or stroke or heart attack. So this time, when he came home, I would start to feel that way and then back off to try to calm myself...for my own health and well being. I actually started thinking that maybe we could do this and maybe I could help him. We could start walking together, which would be good for both of us, go to the beach and watch the sunset, talk, do productive things. I thought maybe, since he was sober and remorseful and wanting to better his life, and crying that he had no one else in this world but me, his mom, that maybe I could and should help. I was fooling myself. Last night he came home under the influence. Not bad, but I could tell. His mindset and his way of life is still at a low level even when he is not on pills. He is 28 but even when he is sober, he seems to have the mind of a teenager. He compares how I treat him as to how I treat my 19 and 20 year old kids, saying I favor them and miss them when they are not here. I try to explain to him that he can't compare because they are drug free, working, and not taking advantage of me. He doesn't seem to get it.
Well, anyway, I have wanted to make him leave my home for the last couple of days, and although I said the words, I didn't persue the issue. I am a single mom and, as much as I hate to say it, I guess I was kind of afraid. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me. But, who knows when they are under the influence or so upset that they have nowhere to go. He is an adult male, bigger and stronger than me. It's an awful thought, and, like I said, I really don't think he would ever hurt me. But really, we never really know. So, today, he left for a few hours. I told him that I did not want him to come back and he had to find somewhere else to go. I suggested a local shelter. He did come back with a friend of his, who I have known since they were kids. He's okay, not great, and always polite to me. I guess I felt more courageous with his friend here (not alone) and I got his bags and put them outside and told him he had to go. Of course, he acted shocked and "I'm your son, how can you put me on the street. I got a job today and I start tomorrow. I will help you with money." You know the routine. I told him he had to go. He threw a little fit, then left with his things. I know this is probably not the end. It never is. And I'm not feeling relieved yet, because I keep thinking that he may still try to come back tonight or when I am asleep.
I am so tired of this stress and I am so afraid for my own health. I have to detach. It's hard when they just keep showing up. I know some of you will say to get a restraining order or call the police when he comes. He is my son and I do know that underneath all this crap somewhere is the son I remember, that is a loving and caring and hard working person. He is still loving towards me. So I guess I am not at the point where I can take that step to get a restraining order or call the police. I just keep wishing he will find somewhere to live, get his life straight and become a responsible adult that doesn't keep asking his mother, siblings and family for money and shelter. It's been a long road...and I'm afraid the long road continues...
I am glad that I found this forum. It helps to read that others are going through the same things and how they are handling them. That is partly what gave me courage today to send him away. He keeps calling right now. I haven't answered... Good luck to all of you.
Well, anyway, I have wanted to make him leave my home for the last couple of days, and although I said the words, I didn't persue the issue. I am a single mom and, as much as I hate to say it, I guess I was kind of afraid. I don't think he would ever physically hurt me. But, who knows when they are under the influence or so upset that they have nowhere to go. He is an adult male, bigger and stronger than me. It's an awful thought, and, like I said, I really don't think he would ever hurt me. But really, we never really know. So, today, he left for a few hours. I told him that I did not want him to come back and he had to find somewhere else to go. I suggested a local shelter. He did come back with a friend of his, who I have known since they were kids. He's okay, not great, and always polite to me. I guess I felt more courageous with his friend here (not alone) and I got his bags and put them outside and told him he had to go. Of course, he acted shocked and "I'm your son, how can you put me on the street. I got a job today and I start tomorrow. I will help you with money." You know the routine. I told him he had to go. He threw a little fit, then left with his things. I know this is probably not the end. It never is. And I'm not feeling relieved yet, because I keep thinking that he may still try to come back tonight or when I am asleep.
I am so tired of this stress and I am so afraid for my own health. I have to detach. It's hard when they just keep showing up. I know some of you will say to get a restraining order or call the police when he comes. He is my son and I do know that underneath all this crap somewhere is the son I remember, that is a loving and caring and hard working person. He is still loving towards me. So I guess I am not at the point where I can take that step to get a restraining order or call the police. I just keep wishing he will find somewhere to live, get his life straight and become a responsible adult that doesn't keep asking his mother, siblings and family for money and shelter. It's been a long road...and I'm afraid the long road continues...
I am glad that I found this forum. It helps to read that others are going through the same things and how they are handling them. That is partly what gave me courage today to send him away. He keeps calling right now. I haven't answered... Good luck to all of you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Welcome to SR. So sorry to hear what you are dealing with. It's so much more difficult when it is our child hurting. I can fully understand the heartbreak you go through when he makes such bad decision. There is something called the three "Cs" that are...
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Have you considered attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? You will find many people who are dealing with the same issues you are and are learning how to detach from the madness.
Again, welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Have you considered attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? You will find many people who are dealing with the same issues you are and are learning how to detach from the madness.
Again, welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi SS
My experience is very similar to yours. I could have written some of it. We love our kids so much and all we want to do is help them and them have the best in life, of course.
You are doing well and have taken some steps. Youve probably heard it all before but yes, your health is affected by all of this and he needs to do this himself, away from you.
I told my son that it was totally unfair of him to expect me to live in his destructive life, that was something he could do himself. I made sure that he knew I would not put up with it anymore. Ohh, and it took me along time to get to that point. My body and mind just had enough. Once my son absolutely knew I was not going to hand out money etc anymore and listen to his emotional cr_p he gradually grew up and now is a responsible adult, thank god.
Hugs and best wishes JJ
My experience is very similar to yours. I could have written some of it. We love our kids so much and all we want to do is help them and them have the best in life, of course.
You are doing well and have taken some steps. Youve probably heard it all before but yes, your health is affected by all of this and he needs to do this himself, away from you.
I told my son that it was totally unfair of him to expect me to live in his destructive life, that was something he could do himself. I made sure that he knew I would not put up with it anymore. Ohh, and it took me along time to get to that point. My body and mind just had enough. Once my son absolutely knew I was not going to hand out money etc anymore and listen to his emotional cr_p he gradually grew up and now is a responsible adult, thank god.
Hugs and best wishes JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 18
Thank you all so very much for your support. It means alot to me. I am alone, really. I hope our end is like yours, Justjo. I have trouble seeing that right now though. With felonies on his record and no driver's license, it will be hard for him to move forward in his life. I know that he has to want it and do it. But I am not confident he will do it.
Just yesterday I looked to see if there is a Naranon meeting near me, and there is. I am trying to get the courage to go. Hard for me. I have a hard time with embarrassment. I have tried for so many years to pretend to everyone that we are all just fine. But I know I have to stop feeling that way. I know I need Naranon.
Just yesterday I looked to see if there is a Naranon meeting near me, and there is. I am trying to get the courage to go. Hard for me. I have a hard time with embarrassment. I have tried for so many years to pretend to everyone that we are all just fine. But I know I have to stop feeling that way. I know I need Naranon.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I get that SS. The embarrassment thing and not believing my son would cope on his own. I didnt tell anyone about it for years because I saw it as a reflection on me. Bad parent stuff you know. I thought Id raised my kids differently, you know, not drug or alcoholics. That part though I have thought about alot. I did raise my kids with my values and goodness. It was when they started hanging around with other kids who were using - I was going through a divorce (preoccupied I guess) I didnt want to think that my son was taking drugs until.....
Its ok though, once I accepted I had no control over it (that took along time and alot of research) and that he did have control it started to take shape.
I think I thought of my son too much as a (child), he needed me, he needed my advise, he needed a home. He needed to grow up, be responsible. I had given him all the goods and bads all his life. He knew right from wrong but chose to do what he wanted anyway. Thats not my fault. Now today at 27 he hugs me and tells me he loves me. It was only the other day he told me I should look after myself and do what ever I want to do. You see his brother is now addicted to drugs (blahhhh) help! Ive been there before and as hard as it gets, I have to do the same with him.
You will do this in your own time, keep reading in here and help is on its way.
Love JJ
Its ok though, once I accepted I had no control over it (that took along time and alot of research) and that he did have control it started to take shape.
I think I thought of my son too much as a (child), he needed me, he needed my advise, he needed a home. He needed to grow up, be responsible. I had given him all the goods and bads all his life. He knew right from wrong but chose to do what he wanted anyway. Thats not my fault. Now today at 27 he hugs me and tells me he loves me. It was only the other day he told me I should look after myself and do what ever I want to do. You see his brother is now addicted to drugs (blahhhh) help! Ive been there before and as hard as it gets, I have to do the same with him.
You will do this in your own time, keep reading in here and help is on its way.
Love JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 18
I questioned myself as to what I could have done wrong raising him too. But then I see that my younger two have turned out to be good kids so far. And I know I was a good mom. My oldest is 8 years younger than my second and 9 years older than my third. So they were still preteens watching their older brother nodding out, passing out, acting stupid, stealing, etc... I think seeing that kept them from it. So far anyway. Prescription drug abuse is an epidemic here in the area/state where I live, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
That embarrasment can keep you sick..please go to Naranon..I got to alanon and it basically saved my life..(well I saved myself thru the program) My daughter is a recovering heroin addict...It didn't take long for me to really "get with the program" and COMPLETLEY stop enabling her..because I didn't want to love her to death.PAIN is what pushes us all to recover..when I hit bottom I went to alanon and did whatever the suggested I do..if we get between the addict and their PAIN we prolong the illness, robbing them of feeling the very consequences that may have them seek recovery.You will find the meeting a sanctuary..everyone there loves an addict..I hope you go
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
SunriseSunset
Welcome to SR. I, too, am the mother of an addicted adult son (he's 29) so I understand all of the feelings and emotions that are pushing around inside of you. It's heartbreaking.
I would also highly recommend that you seek comfort in a Naranon group. There is no need for embarrassment--everyone there is dealing with the difficulty of loving an addict. They understand. And just like here on SR, there are many who can share their experience, strength and hope.
For me, the most important thing I have learned is that I can control my actions and reactions and interactions with my son. I find that if I can stay calm and say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean....it helps....both of us.
I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. We are all here for you.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR. I, too, am the mother of an addicted adult son (he's 29) so I understand all of the feelings and emotions that are pushing around inside of you. It's heartbreaking.
I would also highly recommend that you seek comfort in a Naranon group. There is no need for embarrassment--everyone there is dealing with the difficulty of loving an addict. They understand. And just like here on SR, there are many who can share their experience, strength and hope.
For me, the most important thing I have learned is that I can control my actions and reactions and interactions with my son. I find that if I can stay calm and say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean....it helps....both of us.
I just wanted to welcome you and let you know that you are not alone. We are all here for you.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 47
SS its not just pain that keeps us holding on to them its the guilt we feel. That somehow its our fault. People from all walks of life have addiction in their families. When you work through the guilt, that no matter what you did not cause him to become addicted, he chose. Then say to yourself everyday you are a good Mom and leave that guilt behind. You cannot make him better only he can do that as you know, wipe your tears my dear and stand your ground, it might be a long road so work on you and the strength you will need. My son is into oxys and heroin and is still after 2 years denying he has a problem. My son is a big boy too and there were times I thought he might lose it with me but he always backed down, he wasnt overly nice to me, I really didnt exist. He only took, stole and used me. I am working on me now and praying he will choose the right path. Yes I am sure my old son is in there somewhere, but the addicted son I dont like and dont want to be around. Be strong, unplug that phone. Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Sunset: I too know what you are going through as i have a 25 y/0 son & 24 y/0 daughter who are now living in the horrid world of drugs. You are not alone. Our stories are all similar & the pains are familiar.
This forum & it's members have been a lifeline to me. I try to read as much on codependency as possible... It keeps me sane when facing insanity.
I will keep you in my prayers.
This forum & it's members have been a lifeline to me. I try to read as much on codependency as possible... It keeps me sane when facing insanity.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 18
You are all so very right.
Kindeyes, when you say "I find that if I can stay calm and say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean....it helps....both of us", this is SO very true. I struggle to not be mean, but it is so hard when I am so frustrated. I hate when I say mean things. I need to learn control myself as I know this does not help at all. It's really hard to bite my tongue sometimes...
Kindeyes, when you say "I find that if I can stay calm and say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean....it helps....both of us", this is SO very true. I struggle to not be mean, but it is so hard when I am so frustrated. I hate when I say mean things. I need to learn control myself as I know this does not help at all. It's really hard to bite my tongue sometimes...
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
SS,
Welcome to SR. I am the mom of a 30 yr old RAS.
It is hard to look at him as the 30 yr old man that he is, I see him as a 5 yr old kid. He has warrants outstanding now, but that is his problem. It will have to be dealt with sooner or later . . . Life isn't "easy", for any of us, all we can do is just keep taking the next "right" step forward.
I attend both AlAnon and NarAnon - the people in those rooms are like family to me and the out pouring of experience, strength, and hope here on SR has saved me many times over.
Welcome to SR. I am the mom of a 30 yr old RAS.
It is hard to look at him as the 30 yr old man that he is, I see him as a 5 yr old kid. He has warrants outstanding now, but that is his problem. It will have to be dealt with sooner or later . . . Life isn't "easy", for any of us, all we can do is just keep taking the next "right" step forward.
I attend both AlAnon and NarAnon - the people in those rooms are like family to me and the out pouring of experience, strength, and hope here on SR has saved me many times over.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
SS,
I am the mom of a 32 and 37 years old AS's, and I sure can identify with the feeling of being afraid that you are experiencing. Once upon a time, my husband put a bolt lock on our bedroom door, because we were scared of our oldest son, although he never raised a hand to us, he did intimidate us with words.
They do their best to scare us as a form of manipulation to get their way.
Although we can never be sure what an addict will do.
Just make yourself safe. Do you have someone who can stay with you for a few days until it's sorted out?
Have a backup plan.
Also, Alanon, which I attend, is completely confidential.
You will make many friends there, like you will here at Sober Recovery.
Hugs.....
I am the mom of a 32 and 37 years old AS's, and I sure can identify with the feeling of being afraid that you are experiencing. Once upon a time, my husband put a bolt lock on our bedroom door, because we were scared of our oldest son, although he never raised a hand to us, he did intimidate us with words.
They do their best to scare us as a form of manipulation to get their way.
Although we can never be sure what an addict will do.
Just make yourself safe. Do you have someone who can stay with you for a few days until it's sorted out?
Have a backup plan.
Also, Alanon, which I attend, is completely confidential.
You will make many friends there, like you will here at Sober Recovery.
Hugs.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 18
Diane,
My 20 year old son lives here with me, but he is not here that often. He works 2 jobs as well as a social life. He is here during sleeping hours and sometimes mornings. However, during conflict, I just worry more if he gets involved because he is such a defender of me, and hates this situation so much, that I am afraid it will end up in a fist fight between the two. And that will just stress me out even more. I don't like violence. I don't have anyone else that can stay with me. At times I feel like I am being ridiculous thinking that he could ever hurt me. Or his brother. But really we never know with an addict, I guess. I believe it is manipulation. At this moment, I feel like he won't hurt me. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. You know? I actually have thought about putting a deadbolt on my bedroom door. Guess it's not such a silly idea after all!
My 20 year old son lives here with me, but he is not here that often. He works 2 jobs as well as a social life. He is here during sleeping hours and sometimes mornings. However, during conflict, I just worry more if he gets involved because he is such a defender of me, and hates this situation so much, that I am afraid it will end up in a fist fight between the two. And that will just stress me out even more. I don't like violence. I don't have anyone else that can stay with me. At times I feel like I am being ridiculous thinking that he could ever hurt me. Or his brother. But really we never know with an addict, I guess. I believe it is manipulation. At this moment, I feel like he won't hurt me. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. You know? I actually have thought about putting a deadbolt on my bedroom door. Guess it's not such a silly idea after all!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
